Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things

Top 2 Dakotas

2009-11-03T10:37:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was the 120th anniversary of North and South Dakota's entrances into the Union. I know this because my mom sent me an email to that effect. I have always had an affinity for these two venerable Midwestern states, but I've shamefully never taken the opportunity to rank them in terms of their excellence.

2. North Dakota

Is North Dakota the worst Dakota? No. Definitely not. It is the second-best Dakota, and a close, close second it is. North Dakota has many wonderful attributes... for instance, it's home to a huge number (percentage-wise, at least) of Vikings fans. It also has Fargo, without which, there would be no Fargo. Its state slogan is "Legendary", which means it must be Barney Stinson's favorite state ever. Sacagawea was from North Dakota, as are Lawrence Welk and Chuck Klosterman. (...Who, at the very least, are very fun to make fun of. Did you ever hear about the Chuck Klosterman Soundalike Contest? Oh man, that was a fun joke that Rob and I invented once. It all started when Rob said that "The Thong Song" lacked the ironic posturing of "Baby Got Back" and thus, should be heralded as the true 90s ode to the posterior. Anyway.) Also, the Red River Valley is there, as in that song I like, "Red River Valley". And their state beverage is MILK!!! North Dakota, you're doing JUST fine.

1. South Dakota

But South Dakota has to be my number one. When I was 7, my parents asked where I wanted to go on our summer vacation. Naturally, I chose South Dakota, mainly because its state capital was Pierre, which is like, the French version of my name or whatever. What followed was a mad-cap half-cross-country adventure that involved a lot of iterations of the license plate game, a brief stop in Minnesota to watch the Twins play the A's, a terrifying encounter with a prairie rattlesnake, camping in the Black Hills, playing Teddy Roosevelt in a weird, spontaneous-presidential-passion-play at Mt. Rushmore, hanging out with some German tourists, refusing to walk with my parents through a buffalo herd, and, best of all, visiting the Corn Palace in Custer, South Dakota. Yeah. It was epic.

Anyway, aside from all that, Deadwood happened there, Thomas Vanek of the Buffalo Sabres was born there, as was Tom Brokaw, um, what else... oh, their state beverage is ALSO milk, and to top it all off, the state fossil is the Triceratops (WHAT!? You can have a state fossil!?!). Suffice to say, South Dakota is pretty much the best Dakota ever.

Top 5 Mountain Goats Love Songs

2009-10-29T18:41:00.000-07:00

I promised several lists about Mountain Goats songs, and I make good on promises, albeit days later and dollars shorter. (What?) Also, Rami, you are absolutely right about "Sax Rohmer #1". That song is a million bloody fists of fury hurling themselves at the door of heaven itself.
Anyway.
5. "Going to Queens" (from the album Sweden)
Going To Queens - The Mountain...
John Darnielle is just plain, damn-good at writing all the possible kinds of love songs. One of his real strengths is the "new love" love song, and for me, this song is the perfect example of that. This song captures that moment when everything speeds up and you realize, goddamn, I really do love this person. And it's never when you expect it--and it's never why or how, either. For this narrator, it's his lady coming out of a shower, dripping wet, while kids outside on the street are jumping rope and singing songs. Something singularly beautiful happens in that moment and the lover becomes "all [he] ever wanted", "all [he'd] ever need".
4. "Broom People" (from the album The Sunset Tree)
Going To Georgia - The Mountai...
Another kind of love song that John can really knock the hell out of is the "Oh God, there is nothing in this ridiculous world that makes any sense, except for you" variety. This song always reminded me of my aunt and uncle, mainly because of the '36 Hudson he references in the first line. According to the man himself though, it's about a kid who gets terrorized in school, but falls in love with this life-changing girl--so even though he still gets the hell beat out of him by the jocks, he can handle it, 'cause he's got his girl. (That's nice, too.) I just love how triumphant it is... despite all the shit and mess and pet hair and "good reasons to freeze to death", this guy knows that when his woman comes over and they close the door, they get to share something that no one else has or understands. If that ain't love, well... I'd say "then I dunno what is", but come on, there's no question here--that's friggin' love, man.
3. "Going to Georgia" (from the album Zopilote Machine)
Going To Georgia - The Mountai...
OH MAN. Then, there is the I-am-an-unpredictable-explosive-force-but-I-know-that-you-will-keep-me-safe love song. "Going to Georgia" is basically a perfect song. It's also the first Mountain Goats song a lot of people here. There is such raw, desperate power in this song--both the lyrics and the vocals--that you cannot help but give it your full attention; it commands you to listen, frankly. "Two big hands and a heart pumping blood and a 1967 Colt .45 with a busted safety catch" is one of the most terrifying-yet-gleeful images I can think of. Fun fact time: Pitr and I have a sweet Mountain Goats faux-cover band called Wolves in the Walls, in which we introduce ourselves as "Two Big Hands" and "A Heart Pumping Blood", respectively. (Was that fact not fun? Oh well, sorry. No refunds.)
2. "International Small Arms Traffic Blues" (from Tallahassee)
International Small Arms Traff...
Honestly, I could have put on all of Tallahassee, an album so earth-shatteringly, mind-bogglingly, noun-adverbially good, that it should be a required course in all US high schools. This is not pretty love. This is not sweet love. This is not lovely love. This is a painful, destructive, watch-the-hell-out, I-will-take-you-down-with-me love that has no respect or regard for anything but its own consummatory force. The cutesy-at-first-glance similes are the hook of this song ("our love is like the border between Greece and Albania", obv), but is there anything that sums this album up better than the bitter-and-yet-disarming admission "the way I feel about you, baby, can't explain it / you've got the best of my love"? Spoiler alert: Fuck, no!
1. "There Will Be No Divorce" (from the album The Coroner's Gambit)
There Will Be No Divorce - The...
This is... this is just... gah. I can't even say anything. I am gushing, I know. This is why I don't write about the Goats that often, I get to this place where I want to jump up and down on people's faces, screaming "Why don't you love this the way I love it!" (Also, pause for a moment and notice that all these songs are less than three minutes long. The sheer amount of poetry-per-second is baffling.) Anyway. This is a simple song. There were hard times, the end was in sight, but at five in the morning, the narrator watches her sleeping and knows it's going to be okay, it's going to work out. Perfect.

Top 17 Tracks on Abbey Road, After Many Iterations of Google Translate

2009-09-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

Hey, no more sad lists for a while, okay? I am settling in at Princeton, where there are so many raccoons and where the Health Services nurses hit on you shamelessly while administering immunizations.

So, apparently, it is "Oh Man, Weren't The Beatles Great!?" Week or something. As I have stated before (though not in itemized fashion), I was never huge into those guys. My favorite Beatles song was "Rocky Raccoon". That probably speaks volumes. Whatever, y'all--I was too busy learning life lessons from John Prine and Judy Collins and Bob Dylan. Lush harmonies, perfect pop songs? Eh, okay. John Prine swears in a song about Christmas. That was cool.

This being said, it's also the birthday of that kid Pat Higgiston, one of the Okay Guys of All-Time. And he just loooves those Beatles. So in honor of all that, here is the tracklisting to Abbey Road, after being translated from English to Chinese to Norwegian to Polish to Hindi to Thai to Welsh to Yiddish to Chinese and back to English. Or something like that.

1. Together We Come

...re-contextualize that sexually!

2. Things

...from the people that brought you Stuff.

3. Maxwell Yinchui

...art, plain and simple.

4. Oh! Expensive

...sounds like a T. Rex song.

5. Octopus Gardens

...from the makers of Squid Forests.

6. How To (This Will Be Difficult)

...sounds like a Talking Heads song.

7. When You Are In the Sun

...you should wear some sort of protective gear or lotions.

8. Because

...oh, come on. LAME.

9. He Has Meant That Money

...sounds like an Of Montreal song.

10. Sea-King

...oh, come on. BORING.

11. Average Mustard Man

...from the folks who brought you Ketchup Lady on the Street.

12. Polythene Palm

...sounds like a Pavement song.

13. She Went To the Bathroom, Through the Window

...oh, come on. GROSS.

14. Gold Sleep

...is what happened to the dude sleeping outside her window. ZING!

15. To Carry Such a Weight Of

...sounds like a Smiths song.

16. Final

...oh, come on. LITERAL.

17. Her Pi

...oh gosh, I don't even know. You guys, other languages are ridiculous.

Top 15 Things I Will Miss About New York

2009-09-03T23:24:00.000-07:00

I am no longer a New York City resident. This is how I feel about that.

15. Buying groceries at 4AM

This is as good a place to start as any. Maybe this was just me, maybe I didn't even do this all that frequently, but even really early on, this was one of the things that gave me that "Goddamn, I love this place" feeling. You're up too late, you need a soda or some milk or some soup or something, and you end up walking away from the bodega with a pineapple, just be-fucking-cause.

14. Watching NY games in NY bars

I will tell you a story. Once, I was watching a Giants-Vikings game at Mercury Bar on 9th. The Vikes had the block on lock; they'd picked off Eli Manning five times. The old guy next to me had the craggiest face I'd ever seen, and he was hitting on the 20-something Emory grad next to him by talking about his ex-wife. (They were still close as close, he begged her to understand.) I'll never forget what he said after the fifth interception--"Fuckin' Giants," he goes, "Born losers." They won the Super Bowl six weeks later. People get down on NYC fans--too hard, too much pressure, too fair-weather. I think it's a different story. They want to convince themselves they're rooting for the underdog. Nothing wrong with that.

13. Getting to know people you've never spoken to

For us, it was Gutter Rockstar--a scraggly, ex-roadie-type who played his guitar (terribly) for all the street to hear. Or Pigeon Kicker--a guy who looked vaguely like Tommy Davidson and kicked pigeons. Or the guy who masturbated by the basketball court every once in a while. Or the bouncer outside of Mixed Emotions, the most poorly titled strip club ever. Or the Sam-the-Eagle lookalike guy who always took the subway at the same time as me, even when I was late, or (god forbid) early. Or those Bryant Park couples you'd always somehow end up next to... and you never go, "I'm sorry, didn't we sit together last week during 'The Thing'?" 'Cause that would have been weird! It's like being the guy who notices the live lobster pinching the passed out drunk's toe on the A-train, and saying, "Oh gosh, what has gone wrong?!" It's New York. Nothing has gone wrong. Don't mention it. If you do, it all falls down.

12. Running by the river

All throughout my six years in New York, the best bet was always Riverside. When I lived up in Morningside, I'd cut into the park at 116th and head down to 86th or so; for the past few years, I'd run up from 47th to 86th... either way, that was always my place. I never got a gym membership; the treadmill idea just didn't seem right. There is nothing in the world like turning a corner through a clearing and seeing the sun explode across the condos on the Jersey shore. Not even kidding. And sure, the water smells like sulfur and pain--the pain comes from Jersey--but there's just something so perfect about that run.

11. Those things you never really intended on doing

I never went to the Statue of Liberty. I never climbed the Empire State Building. I never saw a Mets game. I never visited the Bronx Zoo. I don’t even think I went to the Central Park Zoo. The only time I was in FAO Schwarz was waaay back in 8^th grade. It gets easy to wear these things as cynical badges of honor, but that’s probably taking it too far. It’s almost more like, “Well, I haven’t been to the Statue of Liberty… but I can pretty much guess, ya know?”

10. Adaptability

That's the thing about cockroaches, they know how to make do. Invent a new kind of Raid, the thirty percent of them that are immune to it will run off into some dark corner and breed like hell. New Yorkers--for all their anti-roach vitriol--are just like that. Our freezer door broke off, we jimmied it back on. Our toilet broke, we invented a way to flush it without the lever. They killed the 9-train, we all said, "Oh, okay." Buildings collapsed, cranes fell, bombs went off, kids got shot, we just turned the page and said, "Well, you know." Maybe this is not the best way to go about things, but I won't forget it.

9. The outer boroughs, goddammit

We had a long-standing and unfortunate dispute in my apartment about whether or not the outer boroughs were worth a damn. I can say, without qualification, I have had time(s) of my life (TM) in all five beautiful landmasses that make up New York City. I just want that to be known, and understood, and accepted.

8. Christmas

This is a horrible, horrible cliché, but it’s goddamn true. There is no better city in which to spend Christmas than New York. It just heightens every little emotion, every bit of cheer. It’s not just the iconic things—the Rockefeller tree, the mad crush of humanity at Macy’s—it’s dopey little moments… walking back from the corner with your Starbucks holiday cup, past the porn store window with mannequins dressed up as slutty elves… then, holding the apartment door for some mom carrying five thousand presents, saying your genuine-non-obligatory Merry Christmases, and heading on in, somehow thrilled that there are pine needles all over your too-tiny-common-room-floor.

--LIST INTERRUPT: ONE THING I WON'T MISS--

1. NYC Duck Tour Ducks

Oh Jesus, these scare me so much. I don't know why. I am not that scared of people in costumes, even big puffy, foam/felt anthropomorphizations. But there's something about that friggin' duck that would stand at the end of our block, almost daring us to pass… that just shivered me to the core. Anyway. I can’t say anything more about this or I will have nightmares.

--END LIST INTERRUPT--

7. How seeing celebrities never gets old (...until your friends start to get famous)

Nathan Lane’s regular order at Starbucks. David Hyde Pierce stalking Caitlin. Laksh making Judy Gold laugh in the elevator at BMI. The double-whammy of David Schwimmer and Noah Emmerich on Columbus and 72^nd. The party that evaporated to go see Rachel McAdams and Eric Bana outside the Barnes&Noble on 66^th. Tom pissing off Janeane Garofalo at the Wet Hot American Summer screening. And, oh man, the best one… running smack into Tracy Morgan on 50^th: “I’m so sorry, Mr. Morgan!” “Think nothing of it! Be on your way!” (As far as the parenthetical goes… I kid, I kid. Sure, it’s a weird feeling when classmates end up on magazine covers. But at least you get to pull the whole, “Oh, him? Yeah, I knew him” deal. Which is nice.)

6. Becoming a local at a chain

No one really likes going to Duane Reade. It’s too bright, they sell Valentine’s Day shit in December, and the aisles are arranged in the most arbitrary manner possible. It’s easy to loathe this part of New York living. But you guys, how cool are the Duane Reade ladies on 47^th and 8^th. Spoiler alert: the coolest. Like, cool enough for one of them to have been convinced I was Pacey from Dawson’s Creek. To be honest, for a few minutes, she made me believe I was. Oh, and how about the stand-up fellas at the Subway on that very same corner? Heroes. Heroes, all of them.

5. Being in love

As if “Christmas in New York” wasn’t too much of a cliché already. (Talk about heightening an emotion…) Being in love in New York is tough, because you’ve got to play up to a certain level. It is not, for instance, like being in love in Portland, Oregon. In New York, you almost have to get wrapped up in it, in this crazy, spinning feeling of there-are-eight-million-people-here-but-all-I-want-is-you, so-let-me-take-a-taxi-through-the-rain-to-you, I-hope-you're-wearing-my-favorite-dress-but-I-will-settle-for-anything-as-long-as-it's-you. It’s not too hard to lose perspective—this is both a comfort and a cause for concern. Joan Didion wrote about the boundless possibility of New York; nowhere is that possibility exemplified than in New York love.

4. Brunch

The New York City Sunday Brunch is a lazy, boozy tradition as old as Sunday itself. (Probably.) The reservation that you always eclipse by about fifteen minutes; the friends who will “definitely be showing up in like, twenty—thirty tops—we hope…”; the menu which is always some variation of the same damn thing, wherever you go; the bottomless Mimosas, which hours later leave you pleading for a retroactive bottom; the bill… AAAH, the fucking bill, which you are now too gone to pay sensibly, so you throw in $7 or $50—one or the other, there’s no in-between. Yes. Brunch. Unforgettable.

3. Stoops

Living on the ground floor of our Hell’s Kitchen apartment made the stoop an inevitability. And a glorious inevitability it was. Pound for pound, there is no better hang-out-drink-a-beer-talk-weird-to-strangers place in the world than a stoop. If that’s what you’re into. If not, I dunno, man. Try a library, I guess. I’ll be on the stoop if you need me.

2. The fact that every street has some memory tied to it

My dad and I were pulling onto the Henry Hudson and driving north up the West Side; it was like we weren’t even passing streets, every two hundred feet was just the beginning of another “Oh man, remember that time…” This makes New York problematic. It’s hard to run from your own story if every single intersection, every subway stop is a reminder of something that happened.

1. The fact that all my friends lived there

In the end, it’s always the same. The best part of New York or San Fran, or Paris or London, or Cleveland or Tallahassee, or Perth or Peoria—it’s always going to be the people you lived with, the people who became your family. You won’t find the moments on the bus tours. (It’s a sappy thing to say, but after six years, I think I’ve earned my sap.) To me, New York wasn’t Times Square or Derek Jeter or the Brooklyn Bridge. It was running down and back the 72^nd St. pier with Tom. It was every time Laksh cooed at that scene in Goodfellas where Paul Sorvino cuts garlic with a razor blade. It was falling asleep on Frank’s couch in a plate of Big Nick’s French toast. It was every “Jaws isn’t the name of the shark!” exclamation from Caitlin. It was playing snow-means-we-can-tackle football with Mike and Colin on the Amsterdam overpass. It was Rob walking over to McGee’s and saying, “Hey, what if we had a blog?” It was all the little things that could have happened in any city, but somehow meant so much more because they happened here, to us, now.

And now now is then.

Of course… there’s no law saying I won’t be back.

Top 4 Fictional Characters Named "The Greek"

2009-08-19T19:05:00.000-07:00

I am a guy who notices patterns. I'm what you'd call a pattern-noticer. Here's one I noticed today. If you ever want to give a character a name that is enigmatic, imposing, and ethnic, you'd do very well to go with "The Greek". Here are just SOME (ie, I stopped thinking of others) examples!

4. The Greek in Guys and Dolls

We don't know a lot about this The Greek. We know two things, in fact. We know he is a high-rolling gambler and we know that he is in town. (This is established in the opening dialogue to "The Oldest Established", in the first act.) In my high school production, they had this kid named Yanni play The Greek, on account of he was Greek. Race-casting! I feel like there was so much more to know about this character. In fact, if I were some sort of editor and the script to Guys and Dolls crossed my desk, I would have circled this line and written the note, "But who IS the Greek... what does he WANT!?" This is why I am not some sort of editor.

3. Zorba the Greek

Alexis Zorba is the protagonist of Zorba the Greek, written by Nikos Kazantzakis. I have never read this book, nor do I intend to before posting this list. I will tell you, instead, what I imagine Zorba the Greek to be about. I bet there is a guy named Alexis Zorba, who realizes that his last name is way cooler than his first name (which is actually a girl's name?), so he tells everyone, "Nah, blood... just call me Zorba, okay?" Anyway, Zorba's just hanging out on a hillside, eating olives and figs and stuffed grape leaves, when one day, his mom goes, "Zorba, you can't just lead this life of leisure, eating traditional Greek foods and probably looking after sheep. You've got to go to town and make a man of yourself, learn the truths, and build a family worthy of your name." He does this, in accordance with his mother's wishes, but he finds much pain. He meets a woman and they fall in love, but she isn't true to him. He learns many truths, but comes to realize how much he can never know. He becomes a man, but at the cost of his innocence. He returns to his mother and his hillside and his sheep. He weeps, and he is once again whole.

That is kinda what I figure Zorba the Greek is about.

2. The Greek in “Black Diamond Bay” by Bob Dylan

Oh man, have I told you guys how underrated Desire is? For an artist like Dylan, there's a lot of the catalogue that you might never really get to appreciate, so I am sure thankful that my dad was like, "Hey kid, you should listen to Desire, okay? It is a for-real good album, and 'Black Diamond Bay' is as good a story-song as just about anything." Anyway, the Greek is this diplomat/spy/criminal (these things are never clear...) who's doing business on this tiny island, and after things go awry, spoiler alert, he hangs himself, but the wacky thing is that just after he does, the volcano explodes and the island sinks under ocean. Honestly, it doesn't make much more sense than that, but the song is super-tight and has excellent violin accompaniment.

1. The Greek on The Wire

You guys, this The Greek is pure-bred, factory-bottled Evil. And he's OLD, too! (Old guys can be evil!? I was not aware!) He's into drug trafficking, sex trafficking, stolen goods trafficking, air trafficking, kitten trafficking, pants trafficking... basically any kind of trafficking. ALSO, he might not even be GREEK!?! What!? C-c-c-c-come on! That's just deliberately confusing. Oh, and way to have a mole inside the FBI, you weird, old, evil, maybe-not-Greek dude. All in all, he's terrifying, he's enigmatic to a fault, and he's certainly ethnic--even if we don't really know what kind. Yeah. That's why he's the best The Greek there ever was.

Top 1 Things That Get Me Every Time

2009-08-17T22:26:00.000-07:00

1. "I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen." (Lloyd Dobler, played by John Cusack in Say Anything...)

There was a time in my life when I thought every word of this movie was truth. I had the poster on my wall and everything. I didn't think twice abut boomboxing a girl to win her back. "In Your Eyes" wasn't just a good song, it was a romantic endgame. John Cusack wasn't just an actor, he was a walking Bible. There was a time in my life when I was eighteen.

Relationships don't end because your dad says so, and they don't get fixed because he's started stealing money from old people and he gets caught. No one wears those ridiculous Ione Skye sundresses. Kickboxing is not a future. Lili Taylor will never give you advice, and even if she did, it'd probably be bad. You will never, never, ever have a substantiative relationship with your sister's five-year-old... kickboxing or not. Yes. The past few years have been an education.

And yet.

There's something in that line that always gets me. Every few years, it will continue to get me out of nowhere. Breaking things down to the most reductivist, economic level possible. Perhaps past the relevant, sure... but sometimes, that's the only way that makes sense. Anyway. It gets me every time.

Top 8 Snarky, Jaded Websites

2009-08-16T20:10:00.000-07:00

8. Cake Wrecks

Oh man! These cakes suck! We gotta let someone know! I wanted to order a sweet cake and instead I got a suck cake! I bet it tastes like a day old bag of cake shit! (Eds. note: What is that? {My note: ED, GET BACK TO WORK!}) Look, so some renegade baker/mom put George Michael on a cake. That's a pretty baller act of confectionery if you ask me. I'm not gonna hurt anyone's feelings over that. I might have a piece though. Like, the cheekbone.

7. FMyLife

Oh, here's the other thing about a lot of these websites... they showcase this new, weird trend of people making their failures super public. To me, this is both hilariously humble and staggeringly self-absorbed. (Eds. note: Too much consonance in this post. {My note: NO ONE ASKED YOU, ED.}) Wow... you have enough confidence to tell the world that your girlfriend broke up with you over the phone while sleeping with your brother. That's awesome. But you also feel the need to anonymously tell everyone. That's weird. And you don't really get anonymous pity in return. It's like howling "A DOG SHIT ON ME!" into the abyss. Where's the catharsis here? Oh my god, is catharsis dead!? All this time we were worried about irony...

6. Texts From Last Night

FMyLife to the next level, and by "next", I mean drunk. (Eds. note: Need to limit the "and by x I mean y" usages... {My note: WHO THE FRIG DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, ED!? STRUNK AND/OR WHITE!?}) And again with the weird, anonymous bravura thing. Entries usually fall into one of three categories: 1) Here is how poorly/confusedly I am texting... I am having an amazing/awful night; 2) Here is how little I remember and how many weird things I found in my room... I must have had an amazing/awful night; 3) I slept with an amazing/awful person. Okay, cool.

5. Look At This Fucking Hipster

It's at this point that I'll say... look, I obviously check all these sites semi-daily. I'm not hatin', I'm just trend-spottin'. (Eds. note: Really? {My note: THE SAME COULD BE SAID FOR YOU, EDWARD.}) I actually dig this site pretty hard, and this one time, at a party in Williamsburg, a dude turned to me after a particularly ridiculous-looking person entered, and that dude said to me, "Oh man, LATFH," and I laughed so hard Yuengling came out my nose and we high-fived. I'm fine with hipster-directed e-vitriol. That being said, it's 2009. This is no longer a difficult target. What's next, taking pot-shots at David Schwimmer? (Actually, can we?)

4. Fuck You, Penguin

Because there were too many Cute Animal Websites, they had to invent Fuck You, Penguin. It's a simple concept--cute picture, angry blurb about how the animal is annoying. It is as though the internet is screaming, "Look, we got Obama elected, can we just screw around with unimportant stuff for a while?!" (Eds. note: You sound silly when you speak for the internet. {My note: YOU SOUND SILLY WHEN YOU SPEAK!)

3. Awkward Family Photos

Yep, the 80s were a rough time for hair and clothing. So were the early-to-mid-and-okay-sure-the-late 90s. During this time period, there were some photos taken. Now it is time to laugh and thank god that we are all wearing Mad Men suits and sipping the finest brandy and shooting our bad-ass glocks into the air just because we feel like it. Oh wait. We are all still broken. Time has not healed us. The future will be awkward. Awkward is the only certainty. (Eds. note: I feel like we got off on a bad start. {My note: You're right, Ed. OH WAIT, NO, ACTUALLY, YOU BLEW IT.})

2. FailBlog

In theater, the rule is that when you cannot express yourself sufficiently through words, you sing, and then when song fails, you dance. On the internet, when you cannot express your awkwardness through texts, you tweet... when tweets fail, you post embarrassing photos. When you still haven't proven yourself to be worthless, you post videos of your friends trying to dunk by jumping off of rooftops and missing the rim completely. I'm not going to link. Search for it yourself. While you're doing so, meditate on how fun it is to be part of the New Lost Generation. (Eds. note: Preachy much? {My note: DICK MUCH, ED!?})

1. Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things

WE'RE BACK(ISH!), FOLKS! Yep, the other day, Rob was like, "Hey, it's our 1 Year Anniversary, except, actually, it was like, two weeks ago. Yay?" Then we cooked a sumptuous meal and watched a rom-com together, because that's what you do on anniversaries. Anyways, who's snarkier than us, right!? Heck yeah! (Well, except when I'm all, "Hey, here is a list of some things I made up.") And don't expect it to stop any time soon! 1 MORE YEAR! 1 MORE YEAR! 1 MORE YEAR! (Eds. note: You can't make me say it.)

Top 10 Most Underrated Films

2009-08-06T16:04:00.000-07:00

10. Reign of Fire (2002)

Instead of writing why I love this movie so much, I just want to ask you all for a moment of silence for the fact that this was released in 2002. 2002! @))@!?! (That was 2002 in all-caps.) Gosh, seven years is a while.

9. The Party (1968)

This movie got a little forty-years later buzz recently, when it was mentioned in like, every review of The Love Guru. (Either in the form of "This is not as good as The Party" or "Didn't we decide this sort of thing was a bad idea after The Party".) Well, forget it, because this movie is in another league. Peter Sellers (as Hrundi V. Bakshi) deserves every single Oscar ever for this performance, including the ones he didn't win for Dr. Strangelove. Far from the obviously awful, obviously awful route that British-guy-in-Indian-face could easily go, this film is sweet, subtle, and absolutely friggin' hysterical. Also, the original tagline was "If you've ever been to a wilder party than this... you're under arrest." Um, this movie has some sort of legal jurisdiction over similarly-wild parties? Double points!

8. Beautiful Girls (1996)

Aaaaah, I have dropped so much "OMG BEST MOVIE EVER" praise on this film, ever since two minutes into my first viewing of it. What can I say... get a cast of that-guys and that-girls, get the dude who wrote Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead to write the script, set it at a high school reunion in upstate NY, throw in Matt Dillon and a baby Natalie Portman... yeah, there's no way I'd go crazy for that movie. What, there's a "Sweet Caroline" singalong? Oh god, tell me where to go, I am already going crazy for this movie.

7. Starship Troopers (1997)

Really just for that moment when Neil Patrick Harris touches the gigantic bug's brain and yells, "IT'S AFRAID! IT'S AFRAID!" and everyone cheers. Oh, also, how did America not get that this was a satire on jingoistic recruitment films from the 40s and that the basic message is war makes fascists out of even the best people. I read a nice bit on CHUD.com that basically said, "This is the best 9/11 film ever made, even though it came out in '97." Yup.

6. Return of the Secaucus 7 (1980)

Okay, so it's basically The Big Chill before there was a The Big Chill. (Yes, I know, five thousand other people have made this connection already, but it's just true.) But here's my whole deal on that. They both have their merits. Secaucus 7 has long, rambly, banter-packed scenes that feel like actual conversations--ie; there's a 50/50 chance between brilliance and boredom. Chill has the laser-refined script and and the perfect score and the gift-wrapped ending, where even the heartache is the good kind. This last bit, incidentally, is my favorite thing about Secaucus 7--it deeply appreciates the "So... what next?" aspect of life. You can't just reconcile your loves, losses, and old ideals in one weekend at the lake.

5. Dog Soldiers (2002)

So, by now, it's pretty cool to like Shaun of the Dead. And I see why... I mean, it's a perfect movie, after all. But if you want to make a deeper foray into very bloody, very funny films from the British isles, Dog Soldiers is a great place to start. The laughs to screams ratio is off the charts--which director Neil Marshall kind of abandoned on his next film, The Descent, but whatevs. I like werewolves more than cave-monsters, anyway. (As a grad school-bound 23-year old, that is exactly the kind of sentence I should stop writing.)

4. Kicking and Screaming (1995)

Again, this is a film I give pretty regular laudations to... for good reason. Yeah, you've got your "End of high school/college is crazy!" movies. Yeah, you can find a Baker's dozen of "We are adults for the first time!" films. Oh, and don't get me started on the billion and one movies that follow the "We have drifted for so long..." plot. This is the in-between of the three. A perfect triangulation. Oh, sure... all of these characters will be totally fine in a year. But there's that brief but crushing time period immediately following graduation and lasting until you decide that you are actually a real person--that's a killer. (A killer for wealthy-ish white kids who can always teach at their high schools, sure... but, I mean, we're people, too. Right?) Endlessly quotable, eternally watchable. Also, Parker Posey.

3. The Monster Squad (1987)

I don't think you get how much I watched this as a kid. If you are my parents, I don't think you get how much I snuck away to watch this in secret as a kid. THERE ARE KIDS. THERE ARE MONSTERS. THERE IS A BATTLE BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL. End of story. This was a winner from the pitch.

2. My Name is Nobody (1973)

A baby-faced blond gunslinger goes out in search of his hero, so that he can make sure his hero goes out in style, "style" being a hail of bullets. Henry Fonda plays the hero, the baby-face is maybe the first gay cowboy of cinema, Sergio Leone is producing, does the rest even matter? Blurring the lines between slapstick and Western, homage and parody, pathos and bathos, this is a film I will always love. And thanks AMC for showing it at 3 AM like, five years ago...

1. The Long Goodbye (1973)

This film is a drug in and of itself. It takes a while to kick in... suddenly, it grabs hold of you and knocks you clear of your feet before you even see it coming... finally, it spits you out on a dirt road in Mexico, as a whistling man dances away from you. (That is what all drugs are like, right?) You want pedigree, you got it: Directed by Robert Altman, shot by Vilmos Zsigmond, scored by John Williams, based (ugh, loosely) on Raymond Chandler novel, and led by a mumbly, brilliant, tongue-so-far-in-his-cheek-it-hurts Elliott Gould. You want supporting cast, you got it: out-of-the-park performances from Nina Van Pallandt, Mark Rydell, Henry Gibson, and Sterling "Big fucking bear of a man" Hayden, as well as hey-look-at-that-guy cameos from David Carradine and baby Arnold Schwarzenegger. Oh, and Jim Bouton, the pitcher who wrote Ball Four. The 70s, LA, noir, drugs, thugs, booze, money... just watch it.

Top 10 Next Todd Phillips Movies

2009-08-03T00:02:00.000-07:00

Hey!!! Were you aware that this one film entitled The Hangover has done very well? Oh, good for you, Todd Phillips, director of movies. I like how all your movies have plots that approximate your titles as follows... The Hangover: Hey, what if there was a hangover! And now he's doing a movie with Robert Downey Jr.!? Cool! What next... I WONDER:

10. Cover Band

What if there was a cover band! These three guys have been seen it all... except fame! Zach Galifianakis plays the bassist with an unpredictable streak.

9. Blackout

What if there was a blackout! These three guys have seen it all... except electricity! Zach Galifianakis plays the ConEd engineer with an unpredictable streak.

8. Day in Court

What if this dude had his day in court! These three guys have seen it all... except justice! Zach Galifianakis plays the baliff who streaks unpredictably.

7. Moving Day

What if it was moving day! These three guys have seen it all... except home. Zach Galifianakis plays the unpredictable Streak, a dude lives his life and gets what's his.

6. The DTs

What if these dudes had the DTs! These three guys have seen it all... except sobriety. Unpredictably, Zach Galifianakis plays the 12-step member streaking towards Step 11.

5. Summer League

What if there was this summer league! These three guys have seen it all... except victory. Zach Galifianakis plays the unpredictably corruptible umpire.

4. Fixer-Upper

What if there was a fixer-upper! These three guys have seen it all... except the I-beams in the basement. (MORE LIKE WHY-BEAMS!?!) Zach Galifinakis plays the house, unpredictably.

3. Cross Country Flight

What if there was a cross country flight! These three guys have seen it all... except Utah! Zach Galifinakis plays all of the other people on the plane. With beards. Unpredictably?

2. Out of Milk

What if these dudes were out of milk! These three guys have seen it all... except more milk! Zach Galifinakis plays the milk.

1. The Dark Knight

What if there was a Dark Knight! These three guys have seen it all... except a dark knight! Zach Whatever plays the Bearded Whatever. You love it. Shut up.

Top 22 Under-the-Rader MLB Deadline Deals

2009-07-31T19:11:00.001-07:00

OH MAN WE NEVER POST ANYMORE!

Well, we here at PaRMLoT are all about bucking trends little by little, AKA, when I'm supposed to be finishing a chapter for work, I write lists about fake things that happened in baseball today (but not really).

Anyway, we've all heard that story about the baseball player who got traded for an expensive dinner or a handful of bats... well, guess what. THINGS LIKE THAT STILL HAPPEN. For instance, today--the date of the Major League Baseball trade deadline--the following trades happened:

22. Gary Matthews Jr. traded from the Angels to the Astros for a relatively sizeable hunk of cheese

21. Marco Scutaro traded from the Blue Jays to the Oriolies for four screws, a thumbtack, and a sheet of paper with a crudely drawn penis on it

20. Heath Bell traded from the Padres to the Mets for the Asian Jonathan Papelbon

19. Eddie Guardado traded from the Rangers to the Twins for some twine and a particularly sharp chicken bone

18. Stephen Drew traded from the D-Backs to the Mariners for the entire Internets

17. Rocco Baldelli traded from the Red Sox to the Braves for a DVD copy of Entrapment

16. Nick Johnson traded from the Nationals to the Rays for two DVD copies of Entrapment, plus a VHS of Youngblood

15. Huston Street traded from the Rockies to the Brewers for a sturdy 50 year-old oak

14. Boof Bonser traded from the Twins to the Dodgers for the farm, and all its residents

13. Ricky Nolasco traded from the Marlins to the Nationals for the philosophical idea of the Washington Nationals

12. Grant Balfour traded from the Rays to the Tigers for a potato alarm clock and Eva Mendes, who is a lizard

11. Khalil Greene traded from the Cardinals to the Yankees for the gay Jonathan Pabelbon

10. Vernon Wells traded from the Blue Jays to the Cubs for the island nation of Papau New Guinea

9. David Eckstein traded from the Padres to the Rangers for Jupiter’s moon Io

8. Fausto Carmona traded from the Indians to the D-Backs for the naming rights to the next Farrelly Brothers' comedy

7. Willy Aybar traded from the Rays to the Cardinals for the blind Jonathan Papelbon

6. Mark Teahen traded from the Royals to the Rockies for a handful of grapes and $150,000

5. Dennys Reyes traded from the Cardinals to the Rangers for a high plains drifter with nothing to lose but his past

4. Marlon Byrd traded from the Rangers to the Mariners for a can of wasabi peas and a “Kick me!” sign

3. Homer Bailey traded from the Reds to the Yankees for whatever the Native Americans sold Manhattan for

2. A.J. Pierzynski traded from the White Sox to the Indians for window-mounted AC unit and Jhonny Peralta

1. Jonathan Papelbon traded from the Red Sox to the Tigers for the female Jonathan Papelbon

Top 10 Best Sitcom Episodes of the 2008-2009 Television Season

2009-07-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I had meant to do this before the Emmy nominations were out, but now they are, so that ship has sorta sailed. I'm still offering my opinion, even when there is a much more respected one out there!

10. 30 Rock - "Kidney Now!"

I think I was more into this year's 30 Rock finale than most people--I thought it was far better than last year's finale, scattershot Emmy winner "Cooter." A lot of my enjoyment came fromm the fact that I'm a sucker for satirical points about the division between medium and message, which two of the three plotlines (1. a charity song to selfishly get one person a kidney and 2.a catchy but relationship-destroying catchphrase) dealt with.

9. Flight of the Conchords - "Prime Minister"

Of all the fun things in this episode--the guest starring roles of Art Garfunkel-obsessed Mary Lynn Rajskub and self-important Elton John impersonator Patton Oswalt to start, not to mention the cameo of Garfunkel himself--the one that pushes this episode into the sublime is the parody of Korean karaoke. The whole bit, sung by Bret, complete with both-languaged subtitles and marvelously weird stock footage, is the most consistently hilarious straight two minutes on TV since Alec Baldwin's therapy session last year on 30 Rock.

8. South Park - "The Ring"

I've knocked South Park before here, but man, when they get it right, they get it right. Calling out the Jonas Brothers' purity rings not for being lame but for being an elliptically dirty marketing trick--THAT is satire.

7. The Big Bang Theory - "The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis"

This is a show that started with a terribly lame pilot, but has grown into one of the best sitcoms on TV, centered on Jim Parsons playing an self-important Aspegian asexual (and getting an Emmy nom for it, huzzah!). I wouldn't pick this episode to start with (for that I'd recommend either the first season's "The Loobenfeld Decay" or this season's "The Vegas Renormalization") but once you've familiarized yourself with Parsons' character, his every move in this episode is gold.

6. How I Met Your Mother - "The Naked Man"

Television critics smarter than me have pointed out that at HIMYM's best, it often recalls Seinfeld's social-deconstruction-via-term-invention but with more heart, and this episode is a prime example of that, in what is almost certainly the show's best season to date.

5. 30 Rock - "Gavin Volure"

I was a lilttle underwhelmled by this episode at first, but I kept thinking about it and remembering lines from it, and when I watched it again and realized that it's exactly the groove that 30 Rock has settled into--in a good way. It's not as mind-blowingly surprising as, say, last year's "Secrets and Lies," but it's just an excellent and consistent half-hour of comedy, with jokes like, Steve Martin: "This is my expert on fine art and yelling," John MacEnroe: "Why isn't there any good art in this house!" that I can only describe as perfect.

4. How I Met Your Mother - "Intervention"

Maybe my favorite episode of HIMYM to date, this just has callbacks building on callbacks building to an earned climax--this is like great sitcom writing 101. And something as wacky as old-man makeup as a plotline could only be sold by Neil Patrick Harris.

3. 30 Rock - "Generalissimo"

As I indicated before, I don't think that 30 Rock quite had the highlights of its best episodes last season, but was overall more consistent. That was helped out by a pair of reliably good-quality romantic storylines, Baldwin with Selma Hayek and Fey with Jon Hamm (whose good looks and serious comedic chops make him my biggest man-crush in a long while). This stellar episode is kind of a stand-in for how the several episodes with those characters were for me--brought over the top by Baldwin playing his gay Mexican doppelganger.

2. The Office - "Broke"

Even more so than 30 Rock, this one is a stand-in for The Office's superb 6-episode storyline about the clash between Michael Scott and Charles, the stuffy suit played by Idris Elba. This whole season saw Michael Scott shouldering not only the comedic weight that he always had on the show, but also the dramatic weight--with a major love interest early on and a major professional conflict later. Together they made this season of The Office the best yet, though it was more about the consistency in arc from episode to episode than it was about individual 22-minute chunks. I elected this one the best (over other close calls like "Heavy Competition," which may have the best Office line of all time in, "The meatball parm is their worst sandwich!") in part because all of the wonderful subtle details about Michael that appear when this show is firing on all cylinders. The fact that he has been drinking milk and sugar--JUST milk and sugar--every morning for the past six years, is too perfect for words.

1. Better Off Ted - "Racial Sensitivity"

Well. I have waxed poetic about this episode already. Suffice to say I thought it was the best half-hour of TV this season. Watch it, already.

CAVEAT: I have yet to see more than the pilot of Party Down. Also, there are other shows that I didn't watch, but they're shows that for the most part I don't like.

Top 18 General Hospital Spinoffs

2009-07-13T08:47:00.001-07:00

(...not including Port Charles.)

18. Typical Firehouse

17. Nonspecific Police Station

16. Regular Ol' Post Office

15. Conventional Airport

14. Everyday Cancer Treatment Facility

13. Humdrum Law Firm

12. Commonplace Commons

11. Normal Widget Factory

10. Ordinary Department of Sanitation

9. The Usual Supermarket

8. Vague Federal Building

7. Run-of-the-Mill Dental Practice

6. Just Your Average Bank

5. Literally Any Bus Depot

4. Your Basic After Work Hangout

3. What You'd Expect Of A Veterinary Clinic

2. Ill-defined Struggling Coffeeshop That Caters To Local Artists

1. Indistinguishable From Every Other Performing Arts High School

Top 17 Things I Texted Rob While Watching "The Dark Knight" Tonight

2009-07-12T21:13:00.000-07:00

Hi, all. Hi, dears. Hi, friends of the blog.

On Sunday nights, I like to kick back and relax while watching a fine, fine film. This tradition is known in Hell's Kitchen as "Sunday Night Movie", or SNM for short. (IT SOUNDS LIKE S&M, WHAAAAT!?!) Anyways, tonight, Caitlin and I were all, "Oh, hey, The Dark Knight... haven't watched you since, um, ever." AND WATCH IT WE DID!

But for me, watching a movie is a multimedia experience. As in, I was texting Rob the whole time. About a movie we've both seen. A lot.

1. 10:01pm

"Watching Dark Knight. Forgot how baller this movie is."

2. 10:09pm

"'D-did yer balls drop off!?' ...brilliant."

3. 10:33pm

"You have been cast as Commissioner Gordon in The Dark Knight."

4. 10:57pm

"Oh hi I am The Dark Knight I am so fuckin good."

5. 10:58pm

"I am the Batman!"

6. 11:05pm

"Oh shit you are not dead, you just arrested The Joker (cast as Jordy)..."

7. 11:09pm

"Dude the good cop bad cop shit is not gonna work on Jordy!!!"

8. 11:14pm

"Morgan Freeman (as played by Caitlin) is gonna hook me up with some sonar shit."

9. 11:16pm

"Jordy is wearing waaaaay too much makeup."

10. 11:20pm

"Oh fuuuuuck there goes half your face Aaron Eckhart! You didn't need it, to be fair... All you need is that chin dimple, the source of all your power."

11. 11:22pm

"Whoops Rachel (Dawes slash Leopold) is dead... Bad info! (I originally typed 'bad indo', lol...)"

12. 11:35pm

"Hospital fail!!!"

13. 11:43pm

"OMJerz don't blow up the (two) Staten Island Ferry(s)!"

14. 11:53pm

"Why does this movie keep being the best ever!?!"

15. 12:00am

"Rob, you thought we could be decent men in an indecent time! WRONG, BRO!"

16. 12:05am

"Not Deniro we deserved, but Deniro we needed... (Caitlin made that joke.)"

17. 12:07am

"Oh! The Dark Knight! THAT's the name of the show!"

Top 6 Lines of Criticism that I Find Stupid

2009-07-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

Like most irritable, pretentious jerks, I read a pretty good amount of criticism--especially criticism of newly-released movies, books, and TV shows. Sometimes I find it enlightening, sometimes I find it engaging but disagree with it, and sometimes it makes me really, really angry. Mostly, it makes me angry when one of the following happens:

6. Defending something by saying, "You couldn't have done better."

Okay, this isn't something that any professional critics actually say, so I'm starting off with it. I don't know who came up with the ridiculous idea that you have to be good at something in order to recognize when it's terrible, but that person is terrible at coming up with critical ideas (and I'm no good either). Do you have to be Steven Speilberg to know that the movie Bride Wars is terrible? Do you even have to see the movie Bride Wars in order to know that Bride Wars is terrible? Or even better is extrapolating this to other things: can only the greatest rodeo clown tell you when a rodeo clown is terrible? Do you have to be an excellent prop comic in order to find this incredibly unfunny?

(P.S. If you are going to claim that there is no such thing as an excellent prop comic, you are wrong)

5. Praising a movie/show/book for "subverting convention"

There are times when "subverting convention" can be good--if a joke or situation is well set-up to resolve in a more realistic or different way than it frequently would in fiction. But I think it's often really much lazier to defy fictional convention for the sake of defying it--there's a reason that, say, the original ending of Clerks (with Dante getting shot for no reason) is unsatisfying and stupid, and it's the same reason why the two main characters HAVE to get together at the end of Eternal Sunshine, and that's the same reason why episodes of The Sarah Silverman Program feel pointlessly nihilistic at their end whereas How I Met Your Mother provides normalcy and relative closure. Convention, especially in structure, is there in the first place because it usually dictates good storytelling. Altering it doesn't mean you're doing something good, and it often means you're doing something bad.

4. Turning a critical essay into a showcase for the critic's own intelligence and humor

I'll admit, I do this sometimes. But I don't have any pretensions to being a real critical source, and the few things I've ever written with the intent of being a real, critical article (rather than something for yuks), I try to avoid self-indulgent jokery. The buzzword for this kind of stuff is "snark," and I would say that this excellent essay by Heidi Julavits is about the first and last thing that needs to be read on the subject.

3. Praising comedy as meaningful for its dramatic elements

This is one that REALLY gets me. There is some cultural value that we place on things only when they are dramatically weighty, and as a result, we get reviews for things like Superbad that say something like, "It's often hilarious, but what really makes Superbad a great movie is the friendship between the two main characters." I'm paraphrasing, but you get my point. Yes, Superbad is hilarious. Yes, it has an honest and positive depiction of male friendship. But why is it the latter that makes it great? Doesn't the latter serve the former rather than the other way around? Why do reviewers thing something is inherently meaningful when it tugs at their heartstrings but not when it makes them laugh?

2. Reviews where "judgment" is passed definitively, but only in the last sentence or two

The purpose of criticism should be to identify the audience that would enjoy a movie, let the members of that audience know that they would, and let those who wouldn't know that they wouldn't. That's easier said than done, but it's often not even attempted, especially with criticism written by non-professionals (read: students). I can't tell you how amateur reviews I've seen that consist of 1) three sentences of plot summary 2) one "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" sentence of passing judgment.

1. Criticizing a work for the possibility of it being misunderstood

Okay, this is the reason I wrote this list. I saw Bruno yesterday. It's great, well worth seeing, and I personally liked it a whole ton more than Borat for reasons that don't need to appear on this list. But while Googling criticism of it online, there was one anti-Bruno refrain that I found troubling: "What if the people watching and interacting with Bruno don't understand that the vast majority of gay people are nothing like that?"

This is, to me, a wholly worthless line of thought. Should Sacha Baron Cohen stop doing Bruno for fear that people might not get that it's an absurdly cartoony characterization? Should we include title cards that explain the "real" meaning of what someone is doing? Should we stop making any sort of art for fear that it might be misunderstood? If you can argue that Baron Cohen shouldn't have made Bruno because it might be fodder for homophobes, it's a slippery slope down to arguing that Saving Private Ryan shouldn't have been made because it could be seen as glorifying war, or that Huck Finn shouldn't have been written because it can be completely misread to be seen as endorsing racism. If Baron Cohen had stopped himself from creating something as intelligent, hilarious, daring, and deep as Bruno because he was worried about making bigoted people more bigoted, the world would've lost a great movie.

The Top 19 Things Your Dentist Won't Tell You

2009-07-10T15:54:00.000-07:00

19. "I'm just not that great when it comes to incisors."

18. "Honestly, plaque doesn't bother me that much. I just like judging you."

17. "Floss is for little girl-men."

16. "Though I routinely sanitize my instruments, I myself have not been sanitized in years."

15. "I've won far more awards for my cat-juggling than my dentistry."

14. "I secretly take X-rays of my dental hygienists... because I get off on skeletons."

13. "Once, I cooked an egg in the autoclave."

12. "Once, I punched a chicken in the heart."

11. "You're going to die someday."

10. "I have this thing on my foot that just won't go away."

9. "I have killed far more men than mosquitos."

8. "My favorite song is 'Waiting for Tonight' by Jennifer Lopez."

7. "My office's toybox is full of garter snakes."

6. "I pull for the Toronto Blue Jays. In every sport."

5. "I am a world renowned scrapbooker."

4. "You know that song, 'Your Love'? Y'know... 'Josie's on vacation far away...' etc, etc. Yeah, I wrote that."

3. "I still use America Online."

2. "I invest all my money in Nuva rings and Pez."

1. "I sometimes confuse my wife's Nuva ring for Pez."

The First 10 Things I Tweeted on Twitter

2009-07-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

So, I have a job as of late, which keeps me quite busy. So busy, in fact, that I have taken up "microblogging," where I "tweet" "posts" 140 "characters" "at" "a" "time." That's right, I'm using twitter. Follow me! www.twitter.com/getcialis4free.

As you can maybe guess from that name, my original idea was to have a Twitter account that was a fake spambot and make all of my "tweets" in some way about Viagra or meeting horny singles in your area or making money from home by posting links on Google. So before I quit that, here were my first few tweets:

1. hey there just thought i would let people know about some really great deals on name brand prescription drugs #iranelection

2. wasn't trying to spam there just letting those rebels know that i support their politics with rock bottom deals on viagra act now

3. michael jackson's heart stopped the way your heart will stop when you see how low our prices on levitra are #ripmichaeljackson

4. @aaroncarter7 love your work just letting you know you could be longer and stronger act now save $$$$ please her tonight

5. this shall be a twitter of news and politics and savings we pass on to you

6. just got back from going out and let me say our savings have just "gotten back" from being really good and now are really really good

7. @Viagra2Shop you are my arch-nemesis. my lex luthor. my waterloo. but god damn it if i don't love ya for it

8. proposed bill on climate changed passed the house but still no news on my proposed PILL on CLIMAX change act fast (you always do)

9. i'm not sure how much longer i'm going to be able to keep up this shitty premise for a twitter

10. if you who want to know what employed adult life is like it's like this: i just watched 20 minutes of how i met your mother bloopers

And so the experiment ended. But the experiment in LIFE and hashtags and character limits continues at www.twitter.com/getcialis4free

Top 16 Tranny Movies

2009-07-01T07:52:00.000-07:00

Guess what?! A dear friend-of-the-blog Jordy "Tranny" Lievers is in town! In honor of her visit, we've compiled a list of the best tranny movies that I made up just now at work. It should be noted... true friendship is the ability to repeatedly call someone a transsexual and genuinely mean it in the most kindhearted way possible.

16. When Harry Became Sally

15. No Country for Almost-Men

13. Boys Don't Cry... During Their Sex Change Operations

12. Strangers on a Tranny

11. Quick (Sex) Change

10. Tranny Given Sunday

9. Girl, Operated

8. Tran

7. About a Girl-Boy

6. Monster's Balls

5. Trannyformers

4. When a Man Loves a "Woman"

3. While You Were Sleeping... I Became a Dude

2. Man Girls

1. Transamerica

Top 15 Other Best Picture Style Changes We Have To Look Forward To

2009-06-29T19:05:00.000-07:00

Hey, some crazy shit went down re: The Oscars! I BET THE WORLD HAS CHANGED FOR FOREVER, RIGHT?! Like, for instance, I hear there are more changes on the way, SUCH AS:

15. The Tonys are now open to any random 'mo who yells loudly enough between 40th and 50th

14. The Grammys are now ten times more pointless

13. The Man Booker Prize can now be awarded to phonebooks and textbooks

12. Seven teams will play each other in the World Series

12. The Super Bowl is now fought with swords

11. The annual NCAA college basketball tournament has been expanded to include the entire National Hockey League

10. You can now only buy cats in pairs

9. Every dog in the world has now tied for "Best in Show", according to the Westminster Kennel Club

8. Christopher Guest has now officially written five movies titled Best in Show

7. The 1964 Best Picture has been re-awarded to Dr. Strangelove

6. The 1965 Best Picture has been re-awarded to What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

5. Grapes are now $5.99 a pound

4. A pound is now equal to two and a half shirts

3. Two and a Half Men is now being televised on UPN, on Tuesday mornings

2. A new day has been inserted between Tuesday and Wednesday--Glorvsday

1. The Oscars have been stripped of all their austere professionalism and are now, for the first time, a silly popularity contest that doesn't actually matter

Top 11 Suggestions of Things to Do with Iran

2009-06-25T20:42:00.000-07:00

First off, I would like to talk about two very, very sad and important deaths today. The deaths of TWO MORE IRANIANS WHOSE NAMES YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW OH MY GOD YOUR MIND IS BLOWN AND LIFE RECONTEXTUALIZED. Actually though at least two probably did die in Iran if not in protests at least of old age so there.

In any case, and in all seriousness, we have all now seen that Obama is far too weak in his rhetoric and action to support fledgling democracy abroad. What more could he do, you ask? Well, let me tell you. He could do any of these things:

11. Nuke the fuck out of them

10. Fly planes over them blasting at 1000 decibels the sounds of loud gay orgies

9. Sell weapons to Iraq and tell them to fight Iran

8. Send a bunch of shirtless guys with their bodies painted American colors to yell "AMERICA!!!!!!" really loud until Ahmadinejad's eardrums bleed really bad and he thinks he has an ear infection

7. Declare support for the Ayatollah Khomeni (get Britain to do this also, and his head will explode)

6. Invade Iran for oil

5. Fight communists

4. Depose their leader and instate some outdated monarchial figure whom absolutely no one likes (credit to Ernest Hererra for this excellent idea)

3. Elect Ahmadinejad as President of America so he has to resign from Presidency in Iran (it's a rule that you can be president of two places at the same time)

2. Send Farrah Fawcett over there...OHSHIT I guess we will have to just send an actual faucet instead

1. Invade Iran on the side of Moussavi, then declare "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" after 2 weeks of combat

Top 1 Twitter Versions of Hamlet

2009-06-24T19:16:00.000-07:00

Hello ladies. Sooo... I'm in a production of Hamlet this weekend, playing the character named "Hamlet". You could even come, if you wanted... it's Friday (8pm), Saturday (8pm), and Sunday (3pm), up at Columbia, in the Schapiro Hall Studio Space. (Email these folks to reserve the FREE tickets: invisible.theatre@gmail.com)

Anyway, I was working on a list titled "Top 14 References to Hamlet in Pop Culture" and I stumbled upon this, a retelling of Hamlet via Facebook news feed events. Pretty brilliant. But that was 2008. This is 2009. We are of the Twitterverse, not the Facebook-o-sphere. (What?) In any event, I updated the bard's classic text for even more modern audiences.

...with equally weighted apologies to William Shakespeare and Sarah Schmelling:

1. The Twitter Hamlet

RIP Old Hamlet (aka Dad)... looks like i'm gonna be back at elsinore sooner than I thought

7:30 PM Oct 2nd, from txt

Um... @queen_g, @claudius_rex Srsly? wtf...

2:35 PM Oct 4th, from txt

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHDSGSDFGFGDSFGSDFGSFFFF

2:56 PM Oct 4th, from txt

@flower_gurl Did u not get my letters?

3:45 PM Oct 4th, from txt

@my_sisters_keeper Have fun in France, doucher! PS Did ur sis not get my letters?

3:49 PM Oct 4th, from txt, in reply to my_sisters_keeper

@danes_best_friend Say what?

4:15 PM Oct 4th, from txt, in reply to danes_best_friend

@danes_best_friend Yo, meet me tonite upon the platform where you watch

4:22 PM Oct 4th, from txt, in reply to danes_best_friend

You guys, major shit went down. I'm all of a sudden feelin kinda revengey! (Is that a word... lol)

1:03 AM Oct 5th, from txt

@danes_best_friend Be cool, k?

2:19 AM Oct 5th, from txt

@claudius_rex @queen_g @flower_gurl AAAAAH I SO CRAZY LOLOLOLOL

5:52 AM Oct 5th, from txt

SOTD: "Suicide is Painless" - that song from MASH... actually, I dunno though, u guys...

3:12 PM Oct 5th, from txt

@flower_gurl You might wanna check this out: http://is.gd/nunnery, Spoiler alert... you'd look great in a habit

4:31 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to flower_gurl

HEY @just_polonius FISHMONGER!

6:24 PM Oct 5th, from txt

@rsncrntzNgldnstrn Why r u here?

7:01 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to rsncrntzNgldnstrn

@rsncrntzNgldnstrn Srsly why r u here?

7:02 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to rsncrntzNgldnstrn

@rsncrntzNgldnstrn I DON'T BELIEVE YOOOOOOOOOU

7:04 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to rsncrntzNgldnstrn

@rsncrntzNgldnstrn LOL u rly wanna know? I'm just so f*ckin tired of all of this...

7:07 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to rsncrntzNgldnstrn

AAAAAH u guys I have been a f*ckin chump lately... no worries, I got a sweet idea that'll change everything. I'ma make you proud dad!!!

7:26 PM Oct 5th, from txt

@claudius_rex, @queen_g, @just_polonius Busy tomorrow nite? The players are in town! SO EXCITED!!!

11:22 PM Oct 5th, from txt

@flower_gurl Girl, if u want me to calm down, u know what to do... lol

7:34 PM Oct 6th, from txt

OH MAN I LOVE WHEN I AM RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

8:11 PM Oct 6th, from txt

@queen_g WTF DO YOU WANT WOMAN

9:42 PM Oct 6th, from txt

@my_sisters_keeper Yo my bad...

11:09 PM Oct 6th, from txt

@my_sister_keeper Nvm you'll see. PS Btw no worries about your sis and those letters.

1:32 AM Oct 7th, from txt, in reply to my_sisters_keeper

@king_of_england Yo I need you to do a few dudes for me

4:22 PM Oct 9th, from txt

@danes_best_friend Attacked by pirates! Never even made it to England... home soon, shit is CRAZE

4:46 AM Oct 12th, from txt

@claudius_rex Hey hey hey look who you were totally not expecting to come back to your castle... see ya in a few

4:48 AM Oct 12th, from txt

@flower_gurl I know this is a lil late but... <3

5:21 PM Oct 13th, from txt

@my_sisters_keeper THIS SHIT IS ON

8:35 PM Oct 13th, from txt, in reply to my_sisters_keeper

I know I'm not the first one to say it or nothin, but u guys... we're ALL gonna die someday

10:05 PM Oct 13th, from txt

@queen_g LATER MOMS (i forgive you kinda...)

11:24 AM Oct 14th, from txt

@claudius_rex Peace f*cker!

11:25 AM Oct 14th, from txt

@my_sisters_keeper Srsly? F*ck...

11:26 AM Oct 14th, from txt, in reply to my_sisters_keeper

@danes_best_friend Yo tell my story, aight? The rest is silence... lol

11:28 AM Oct 14th, from txt

Top One President that Would've Been Aborted by Richard Nixon

2009-06-23T23:16:00.001-07:00

1. Barack Obama

From the linked article:

“There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white,” he told an aide, before adding, “Or a rape.”

Seriously, Millie Nix? (That is what I am calling Richard Milhous Nixon from now on, by the way.) Like, seriously? Now, I'm not claiming never to have said something that seems prettybigoted in retrospect--most people have, I think--but implying that a black man consensually impregnating a white woman (or white man/black woman) is as bad as or worse than a white man raping a white woman? SERIOUSLY?

SPECIAL NOTE: I declined to include the possible second member of this list, as I don't believe that many people agree with my completely unfounded theories about James Buchanan being the product of a rape.

Top 3 Comedies I Really Wanted to See But Then They Got Kinda Bad Reviews

2009-06-22T22:21:00.001-07:00

F the man, I still want to!

3. Whatever Works

A theme of this list: how could this NOT work? One of the funniest, most transformative figures in comedy stars in a film by his even funnier, even more transformative predecessor. Okay, I admit that the trailer doesn't look amazing, but seriously, this is the convergence of two of my personal comedy heroes. I AM SEEING IT ANYWAY.

2. Away We Go

How the hell could this have gotten bad reviews, whether or not it was any good? It's got all the hallmarks of that nobody-actually-laughs-at-it-but-it's-considered-a-brilliant-comedy type of indie movie: it's written by respected and literary figures (Dave Eggers and his wife), stars comedy actors taking an unexpected dramatic turn (John Krasinksi and Maya Rudolph), and it's directed by Sam effing Mendes. Apparently critics think it's lame. I AM SEEING IT ANYWAY.

1. Year One

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTNBwIAY9Zo (embedding disabled)

On the opposite end, this looks like one of those ACTUALLY funny, laugh-out-loud, broad but smart comedies based on the trailer. And, natch, it's helmed by the king of broad and smart, Harold Ramis. What's more, it's co-written by two of the Office writers responsible for a disproportionate amount of excellent episodes, and it stars Jack Black and Michael Cera--neither of which are absolutely amazing all the time, but when they get good material, they knock it out of the park. I AM SEEING IT ANYWAY.

Top 6 Things that are Great about the California DMV

2009-06-17T17:49:00.001-07:00

The Department of Motor Vehicles in most states really takes it on the chin. It's a place that gets stereotyped as a bureaucratic nightmare with impersonal employees and inefficient processing. But when I made my visit to the California DMV today (to register a vehicle in-state and get an in-state license), I instead found it delightful! Here's why:

6. The employees were all charming and helpful

They didn't just want to collect a paycheck and go home--they wanted to help the people there. They kindly presented all of the people waiting with literature in all possible languages, not only the common ones like English and Spanish, but rarer ones, like Tagalog, Esperanto, and that language from the Isle of Man for which there is only one living speaker. They spoke calmly and encouragingly, and they even waived a fee when my card didn't work!

5. The forms were straightforward and streamlined

I only had to fill in the basic information of my name, address, and SSN once--their computers transferred it from the first form onto all the rest! Also, at the touch of a button, the employees brought up all my past motor vehicle and automobile histories. At the touch of another button, they brought up a CGI rendering of my mother's face telling me that I was a wonderful son. Thanks, DMV!

4. The lines were nonexistent

I was the only person there. When other person showed up, he was immediately teleported to one of the other DMV locations that was empty so that he wouldn't have to wait for me.

3. They took a great picture of me for my license

It looked so nice because first they gave me free plastic surgery to make me look more beautiful. I am now 1000x sexier than I was previously (and let's be serious, I was pretty sexy before) and I've got the license picture to prove it!

2. The drivers' test was completely sensible and weighted questions reasonably

Thankfully, basic and useful driving knowledge was weighted as more important than insane trivia like, "How much would you be fined if you dumped an animal out of your car on the freeway?" When I saw that latter question, I was at first worried, because I thought that I would be judged as a driver on whether I knew the dumbest most fucking worthless numerical factoid imaginable. But of course, common sense and the power of the DMV prevailed, and that wasn't the case!

1. I got free fireworks with my new license, nine hot girls there asked me for my phone number, and my three wishes were granted by the DMV genie.

Yeah okay the DMV is a shithole.

Top 5 Reasons People Love "Don't Stop Believing"

2009-06-12T13:57:00.000-07:00

If you are a person, chances are you have been in a bar. If you have been in a bar, chances are you have heard this song. If you heard this song in a bar, chances are people started singing along. If you continue to be a person, chances are you sang along, too.

So... why?

5. The appeal to blue collar values

This is, in fact, a rock song. Rock heroes do not sip champagne or inhabit rooms unclouded by smoke. They cannot afford the early evening train; they are forced to travel at midnight. They don't even have concrete destinations... they will settle for anywhere, but more importantly, anywhere but here. They are everymen--city boys, small town girls--living in their Last Ditch Days, and for this reason, they are to be trusted.

4. The "boy meets girl" aspect

It's also a love song, of sorts--or at least enough of a love song to serve as the central narrative of the musical Rock of Ages. We pretty much abandon the city boy and the small town girl after the first verse, and if the following verses are to be taken at face value, their smile-sparked romance is a brief one. However, as the song says, these are people "living just to find emotion"--despite the brevity of their love, they have nonetheless achieved it. This is why we scream these words every time the song comes on in a bar. Anyone in a bar past 1AM is pretty much a passenger in the same boat--you don't stay out because you aren't looking for emotion.

3. The denial of finality

The movie never ends. The movie never ends. How beautiful is that? It's so so simple, but somehow it's a better approximation of the human condition than 95% of what else is out there. There will be victories, there will be tragedies, but there is no fade-to-black-and-roll-credits. No endings, just complications--good and bad complications. The song obviously chooses to spin this conclusion positively--since there is no "ultimate", there is always hope. There is always cause for belief. This is what you want to hear after seven beers and three shots. You want to be told that no matter what you have failed at tonight, this is not your last shot.

2. The acknowledgment of our brokenness

And yet, what is this quintessence of dust? Despite the soaring vocals, the driving piano line, what are we? Shadows, strangers... searching, hiding. We are not whole. We spend our nights in bars, searching for the missing pieces, and then, in the morning, they are gone. We are waiting for something that we know will not heal us, but we are willing to pay a smile and take the chance anyway.

1. The possibility of redemption

But as the song ascends towards the glorious explosion of its final chorus, we are reminded that every so often, things come together. Hope has its payoff. The city boy and the small town girl have their moment. Moments don't last, but you can still "hold on to that feeling". Somewhere between "Everything ends" and "Nothing ends", there is a kind of peace.

That being said, I kinda like prefer Asia's "Heat of the Moment". Though the cover of "Don't Stop Believing" on the pilot-cum-season-finale of Glee was pretty tight.

Top 24 Blogs That Were Discovered By Just Typing "[A Word Or Phrase Someone Thought Of].blogspot.com"

2009-06-11T12:19:00.000-07:00

A couple days ago, Mike Molina and I invented my new favorite game. Just type something--anything--into your browser, then follow it by ".blogspot.com." Chances are pretty high that it either exists or has been removed--and when they exist, they usually have a maximum of four or five posts, all of them in like 2001, and almost invariably end with "will write more soon!" The more you play this, the more it moves from kinda weird, to hilarious, to sublime. Here are some of our best discoveries:

24. sports.blogspot.com

Even better than the one beautiful post are the dozens of comments railing this poor little kid for "wasting" this domain name. They fail to realize that this is the best possible thing that would be at sports.blogspot.com.

23. dodrugs.blogspot.com

I don't know about you, but I trust the good doctor Borkenstein.

22. canada.blogspot.com

Sometimes it's hard to tell if the brilliant ironies in a few of the sites (like this one) are intentional. I'll chalk it up as great art either way.

21. monstercock.blogspot.com

Sometimes it's a little clearer (but no less brilliant).

20. fancypants.blogspot.com

If only it would've worked we could have learned why the pants are so fancy!

19. dogdeath.blogspot.com

At first it seems only pretty good. Then you see the username description, and you realize that this blog is a true great.

18. zzz.blogspot.com

YOU TOO MAN.

17. starwars.blogspot.com

That construction sure is taking a while! I'm hoping for another post in 2009 that just says the same thing again.

16. batman.blogspot.com

Welcome indeed.

15. world.blogspot.com

Seriously dude that is kinda messed up.

14. myvagina.blogspot.com

The top post on that. Oh. Oh God. Oh God.

13. lol.blogspot.com

I must ask about the name!!!

12. rapper.blogspot.com

A serious case of title + first sentence = brilliance.

11. punk.blogspot.com

Is rapper.blogspot a truer rapper or punk.blogspot a truer punk? A question for the ages.

10. peterandrobmakelistsofthingsisstupid.blogspot.com

Hey! And...

antirjt.blogspot.com

...HEY!!!!

9. preteen.blogspot.com

It's so easy to join the club!

8. boy.blogspot.com and girl.blogspot.com

Boy > girl

7. My favorite blogger

This guy has ten blogs and they are all equally amazing. For instance. In all of them, he promises that he will soon tell me why his current target "sucks." I am 10x on the edge of my seat for an explanation that may never come~

6. 42.blogspot.com

This one just sorta speaks for itself...mayTbe. I really have no idea what it says for itself if it does.

5. art.blogspot.com

While some of these are made better by having totally inappropriate names, this one is made better by having a totally appropriate name.

4. A mini-list of deathblogs

Mike Molina just kept finding what we termed "deathblogs," blogs of people that for all purposes seem to have probably died immediately after their first or second post. A selection:

a. good.blogspot.com

b. lonelygirl.blogspot.com

c. guitar.blogspot.com

d. rabbit.blogspot.com

e. imkillingmyself.blogspot.com

3. grandpaa.blogspot.com

Well at least we KNOW that person is dead.

2. ilovetheinternet.blogspot.com

Read every post on this one. A seven-minute piece of beautiful performance art.

1. diaper.blogspot.com

I really don't know why this one makes me laugh so hard. It's just so...perfect.

P.S. If you find some gems of your own, post them below!

Top 8 Things to Do When You're Unemployed

2009-06-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

8. Look for a job

I think we can all agree that this is the dumbest thing about being unemployed, and I'm going to skip it.

7. Listen to seminal mid-90s hip-hop while you clean your room

Similarly, I think we can all agree that this is the best. CAN'T KNOCK THA HUSTLE.

6. Surf Craigslist jobs, but cheifly looking for funny stuff

Jobs like M.D. that I will pay to prescribe me marijuana after fradulently confirming that I am ill through my weed-referencing yahoo address and person you talk to you before the person you talk to while you masturbate.

It feels so much better to realize that you are not as pathetic as some the people writing/taking these jobs.

5. Then seriously consider one of the ones you at first looked at because you thought it was funny

Oh, God. I might have even plausibly done it, even after I learned via phone that it was a 38-day never-leave-the-hospital affair, if I wouldn't have had to start on my birthday. That's right. The first day would've been my 22nd birthday. (TWENTY-TWO????)

4. Lose faith in everything and write a blog post begging anyone reading it to hire you

...please?

3. Ask anyone reading this to actually re-read that last one and take it seriously this time

...please?

2. Spill potting soil on a white carpet, put soap and water on it without realizing you shouldn't do that first, then borrow a neighbor's vacuum cleaner and spend an hour and a half trying to get the mud you just made out of the carpet

Guess what I did yesterday?

1. Read peterandrobmakelistsofthings.blogspot.com

You lucky bastard. I have already read every post on this website. But you--you are able to start at the start and enjoy every bit of brilliance within. Unless you have read every post. Then you're as fucked as me.

Top 13 Things I Learned About Moonshine This Past Weekend

2009-06-09T13:37:00.000-07:00

I went to another conference this past weekend! It was hosted by Tufts University and it was just about as awesome as you can imagine a two-day neuroscience conference in a suburb of Boston to be. I managed to make one little mistake while I was there, a mistake that was well observed by some friends/colleagues--let's go the nameless route on this, eh?--one of which I ended up owing a list to, by virtue of her BoltBus beating my Greyhound bus back to NYC.

Anyway. Here's what I learned about one particular spirit that I purchased at a Medford liquor store for the now-understandable price of $12.99.

13. If it comes in a mason jar and isn't pasta sauce or jam... it is evil.

12. If it says it's whiskey and yet, for some reason, it's clear... it is evil.

11. If it smells like a combination of gasoline, nickels, and Bosnia... it is evil.

10. If you buy it as a "joke" in Medford, Massachusetts... it is evil.

9. If the cashier warns you against your "joke"... he's not kidding.

8. If the cashier looks at you stone-faced and says, "Dude. SERIOUSLY. I know you think you're funny, but just don't,"... he probably knows what he's talking about.

7. If you mix it with orange juice and it tastes like a Tequila Sunrise that threw up in its own mouth... it is evil.

6. If it doesn't burn your mouth at first, but then you feel your tongue begin to bubble from the inside... it is evil.

5. If it seems like the sort of thing that normally comes in a jug marked 'XXX'... it is evil.

4. If four out of five neuroscientists refuse to drink it... it is evil.

3. If the fifth neuroscientist chooses to keep drinking it out of a sense of duty... he is an idiot.

2. If after several rounds of Dirty Scrabble, the fifth neuroscientist decides to sleep on a couch... it is for the best.

1. If the next morning, the fifth neuroscientist realizes, on the bus home to NYC, that there are a million tiny, banjo-pickin' moonshiners dancing around in his head and that he wants to make like that dude in Canada with the machete, except he's going to cut his OWN head off... HE FRIGGIN' DESERVES IT.

Top 14 Pictures of Otters (With Vulgar, Incendiary Captions That I Wrote)

2009-06-08T20:09:00.000-07:00

I am a fan of the internet. I am also a fan of multiplication. This is what happens when you multiply this by this, to the power of this.

14.

"Psst, get a load of this jag-off with the camera."

13.

"Go fuck yourself."

12.

"I am an OTTER, not a fucking BABY!"

11.

"AAAAGH, YOU'RE ALL BASTARDS!"

10.

"It's 7 AM, I'm hungover as fuck, what could you possibly want with me."

"Oh, you think you're so fucking clever..."

"I was just born--are you fucking starting with me already?"

"RRRRGHHHIFUCKINGHATEYOU!

"Get used to it. This never fucking ends."

"Go fuck yourself."

"That's it, I fucking give up..."

"I will literally tear the face off your face."

"Seriously, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

"Go fuck yourself."

Top 5 Things that Shakesperean Clowns Do and What Real Clowns Would Do Instead

2009-06-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

So, I've been pretty busy lately, what with moving to a different city and all, but before I did that, I was finishing up finals and making some plans to write a list on the last final I took. It was a Shakespeare final, and I was concerned particularly with the Shakespearean definition of "clown" and how they are totally not like what any normal person today thinks of when they think of a clown. For instance.

5. In The Merchant of Venice, upon seeing his blind father...

...the Shakesperean clown Launcelot Gobbo tricks his own father into thinking that he, his son, is dead.

...a normal clown would squirt his father with a trick flower.

4. In The Comedy of Errors, upon being accosted by a fat woman who mistakenly thinks he is her lover...

...the Shakespearean clown Dromio of Syracuse rejects her advances and compares her body to a globe of the earth.

...a normal clown would shove her back into the car they both improbably came out of.

3. In As You Like It, in response to Rosalind's question, "Where learned you that oath, fool?"...

...the Shakesperean clown Touchstone says, "Of a certain knight that swore by his honour they were good pancakes and swore by his honour the mustard was naught: now I'll stand to it, the pancakes were naught and the mustard was good, and yet was not the knight forsworn."

...a normal clown would cover himself with mustard and fall into a pool filled with pancakes.

2. In Hamlet, when his recently-deceased skull is held up by the title character...

...the Shakespearean clown's skull Yorick does absolutely nothing.

...a normal clown's skull would start singing, "Dry Bones" and do a sweet little subdued dance like this:

1. In King Lear, when he must accompany the aged, mentally unstable title character to take shelter in a cave...

...the Shakespearean clown Lear's Fool will not shut the hell up about cod-pieces.

...a normal clown would not shut the hell up about cod-pieces.

Okay, he got that one right.

P.S. This didn't really have any place in this article but people who won't shut up about how they're afraid of clowns are annoying and lame.

Top 6 Greatest "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" Moments

2009-05-31T20:07:00.001-07:00

I friggin' love Conan O'Brien, and I am on the edge of my seat with excitement for him to take over The Tonight Show. To pump the rest of you up, let's take a look at a small selection of Conan at his most brilliant.

6. Conan Goes to Santa School

5. Triumph Interviews Star Wars Fans

4. Conan Forms a Boy Band

3. Conan Picks Apples with Mr. T

2. Conan Goes to Finland

1. Conan Plays Old-Time Baseball

25 EVEN MORE MEATBONES

2009-05-30T22:21:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, I've been real busy with graduating and jet-setting around the country and all sorts of shit that you don't care about. But what better way to announce my re-arrival with twenty-five more meatbones? If you don't feel like clicking that, "meatbones" are situations or visuals that frequently crop up in fiction--especially cartoons--but which have little to no bearing on reality! A lot of these came from other people, but I haven't documented that so scrupulously as I did last time. Suffice to say, if you pointed one or more of these out to me, thanks!

25. A performer is bombing onstage, and a cane grabs him/her from the side and suddenly pulls him off. His/her hat may be left behind.

24. Hunchbacks. Everything about them.

23. A person is wearing a barrel because they are too poor to afford any clothes.

22. A bomb goes off in someone's face, and the only apparent damage is that their face is now covered in soot and their hair stands on end. Optionally, they blink once afterwards.

21. A kangaroo wears boxing gloves.

20. Dogcatchers. Everything about them.

19. Parents lying to their kids after a pet dies, claiming the pet went to a farm.

18. A kissing booth at a fair. (Has anyone ever seen one of these in real life?)

17. A dunk tank, especially one where a figure of authority (read: high school principal) is the dunkee.

16. Stealing someone's secret recipe, especially to win a baking competition.

15. A person lathers up a ton of sunscreen on his/her nose, rendering only the nose white while the rest of the skin looks normal.

14. A man is not at work or home because he has "Gone Fishin'".

13. A kid stuffs a towel under his door so he can read comic books with the flashlight on and his parents won't notice.

12. A "kick me" sign is placed on someone's back.

11. Murder mysteries. Everything about them.

10. Someone at a party gets knocked into the pool, JUST at the point where everything is starting to get out of hand!

9. A lover throws a rock at a window to get the attention of his significant other. It works!

8. A bad kid gets a lump of coal in his/her stocking for Christmas.

7. An elegant man's monocle pops off in surprise.

6. The freezer breaks, so everyone has to eat all the ice cream before it melts.

5. Someone announces plans to dig a hole to China, or attempts this, or succeeds.

4. A car stops, a body is thrown out, and the car continues on its way.

3. The end of a date is announced with a disapproving party declaring, "Check, please!"

2. A drunk person sees pink elephants.

1. A girl complains to a nice, sensitive guy about how she wishes she could meet more nice, sensitive guys.

Top 10 Best Quotes In This NY Times Article About Hugging

2009-05-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

The New York Times printed this ludicrous article yesterday about a hugging epidemic in America's high schools. It filled me with the kind of outrage that blogging was invented to channel, so, here I am, back at the grindstone, my first post in over a week.

(Yeah, yeah, yeah...)

10. “We’re not afraid, we just get in and hug. The guy friends, we don’t care. You just get right in there and jump in.”
This sounds eerily similar to how some people talk about orgies. Or gardening work.

9. “No hi, no smile, no wave, no high-five — just the hug. Witnessing this interaction always makes me feel like I am a tourist in a country where I do not know the customs and cannot speak the language.”
"...and I only have American dollars and American candy bars and American match sticks. And the natives all speaking in a click-clacking tongue... 'Do you Twitter?' they say! 'Facebook me!' I pray to my American god... it begins to rain."

8. “Touching and physical contact is very dangerous territory.”
It might lead to {BRISTOL PALIN JOKE}!!!

7. “It was needless hugging — they are in the hallways before they go to class. It wasn’t a greeting. It was happening all day.”
...said Assistant Principal Stuffy McNeverbeentouched.

6. “We like to get cozy. The high-five is, like, boring.”
Jesus Christ, the younger generation is lame.

5. “We display bodies more readily, there are fewer rules governing body touch and a lot more permissible access to other people’s bodies.”
"...Which brings me to the matter at hand--we need ACTUAL laws governing body touch and a lot LESS permissible access to other people's bodies! And so, meet our proposed amendment to the Constitution!"

4. “It’s something you grow up doing. But you don’t come up to a dude and hug, you start out with a handshake.”
Note: the best part about this quote is that in the Times article, it's followed by, "said Mazi Chiles, who is black." Amazing. What if every time there was an Obama quote, it was followed with, "who is black." Apparently, we NEED to be reminded of this stuff.

3. “Hugging is more common in my opinion in people who act like friends. It’s like air-kissing. It’s really superficial.”
Ohhhh, air-kissing. Up until that analogy, I was so confused. I just needed a point of reference. Thanks, Amy Heaton of Bethesda, Maryland.

2. “And it gets to that core that every person wants to feel cared for, regardless of your age or how cool you are or how cool you think you are."
Actually, I kind of buy that. Hugs are cool. It's just... a hug epidemic? In my day, it was pain pills and cough syrup and BJs in the art room. (Eds. note: Mostly lies.) The youth of America have lost their collective balls.

1. “I hug people I’m close to. But now you’re hugging people you don’t even know. Hugging used to mean something.”
Shit, man. Have we really reached a point where friggin' hugging is passé? Well, like disco, Beanie Babies, and that naked dude from the first Survivor, we can always look back on hugging and smile.

Top 2 Boys Who Are All Grown Up Today!

2009-05-19T07:37:00.000-07:00

2. Rob Trump
Today is the day that Rob Trump graduates from Columbia College and enters the exciting-slash-crippling phase of real life they call "Real Life"! (If I were in his shoes right now, I'd probably go off and watch Kicking and Screaming a whole bunch. Also, if I were in his shoes right now, THOSE WOULD BE SOME CROWDED SHOES, HUH ROB!?)

Anyway, in honor of the man/the day/the moment, here is a brief history of Rob:

198? - Rob is born.
1989 - Rob learns to rant.
1991 - Rob makes his first million.
Later in 1991 - Rob loses his first million in a risky "exciting opportunity" investment.
1993 - Rob is drafted by the San Diego Chargers.
Later that day in 1993 - Rob refuses to play for the San Diego Chargers, his rights are traded to the New York Giants for two first round draft picks, a third rounder, and a fifth rounder in 1994.
1994 - Rob sweeps the Latin Grammys.
1997 - Rob publishes his first memoir, A BRIEF HISTORY OF PAIN.
1999 - Rob dies.
The next day, 1999 - Rob is buried.
The day after that, 1999 - On the third day, Rob rose again, in fulfillment of predictions made in his first memoir, A BRIEF HISTORY OF PAIN.
2000-2006 - Rob wanders the earth in search of one that is pure of heart.
2007 - Rob attends Space Camp, is granted his release from the New York Giants, and admits to using performance enhancing drugs. His Latin Grammys are forfeited.
2008 - Rob co-founds Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things.
2009 - Rob wins?!

1. My Dad
It's my Dad's birthday! Happy Birthday, Dad! This is the only time when it is okay for the Yankees to sweep the Twins. Also, congrats on beating surgery! Surgery came a-callin' and was all, "Hey Peter's Dad, I'm here to ruin your day." But my dad is too cool for that; he just goes, "LET IT BEGIN!" and then lightning crashed and everything. True story.

Here is a brief list of Medals of Excellence that my father has won:

1951 - Presidential Medal of Fitness Excellence
1957 - Town of Tonawanda All-Around Swell Guy Medal of Excellence
1964 - Our Lady of Czestochowa's Annual Pierogi Bake Medal of Piety (and Excellence)
1968 - The Students for a Democratic Society's Pancho Villa Memorial Medal of Excellence
1969 - The Beard Club of America's Medal of Barbaric Excellence
1972 - Medal of Honorary Excellence, presented by The Paratrooping English Professors' Brigade
1979 - The Ford Pinto Survival Club's Medal of Excellence
1982 - Medal of Fervor, presented by the National Congress of Poetic Ballplayers and Ballplaying Poets
1985 - Medal of Consistent Excellence, presented upon the birth of his fifth son by the National Society for the Protection and Promotion of Men
1989 - United Nations Medal of Diplomatic Excellence, presented upon his single-handed unification of Germany
1993 - The Western New York Mothers Against Youth Curveballs' Medal of Excellent Reticence
1995 - Snazzy Prof Mag's Annual Medal of Earring Excellence
1998 - The National Fiction Council's Medal of Excellence for Lifetime Achievement in Fiction and/or Story-Telling, presented following a month-long ruse regarding a pair of gold corncob holders I was supposed to receive for my birthday
2000 - The National Sawdust Council's Medal of Excellence for Lifetime Achievement in Pounds of Sawdust Produced
2003 - Rutherford B. Hayes Lookalike Club Medal of Excellence
2006 - Medal of Most Valuable Excellence, Buffalo Old Guy Hockey League
2009 - Medal of Total Friggin' Excellence, presented by Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things, for telling his class to visit our site.

Top 9 Resume Tips

2009-05-17T15:39:00.001-07:00

9. Pitch a narrative.

Say you're applying for a job in advertising. Don't just be some run-of-the-mill copy writer. Be the most hated man in advertising. Be the copy writer's copy writer. Be a copy writer with a dark, enigmatic past. Don't be afraid to be somebody.

8. Ancillary degrees.

Don't forget that hard work you've put in! Space Camp, Clown College, Snickers Chewniversity... it all counts!

7. Novelty fonts!

You're... different! Different is good. (Or awful, actually, in certain industries.)

6. Highlight your attributes.

Let the employers know the things your personal job history doesn't tell them. Vertical leap, head size, number of arms, kicking power, charisma, ball-handling abilities. You have no idea how many good firms out there are looking for a high-jumping big-head who can hold onto the ball.

5. Bring the hype.

With that in mind, it wouldn't be a bad idea to get ahold of NFL Draft guru Mel Kiper. Have him do a few spots on you on ESPN, let the people know about your upside potential and your muscular backside.

4. Extracurriculars.

Employers want to know what kind of person you are between the hours of 5pm and 9am, too. Do you do volunteer work? Were you in the army? Have you traveled? Kill three birds with one fictional stone; say you volunteered for the Mexican Marines.

3. Inflate your stats.

No one checks references on grades... Guess what, little Mr. or Ms. State School! Looks like you just graduated from The Genius University Institute with Ultra-Super Platinum honors and a 5.0 GPA

2. Which The Wire character are you?

Seriously. Are you a street-wise lone wolf with his own moral code? Or maybe you're an unorthodox alcoholic who puts his work before chain of command. This is all incredibly important.

1. When all else fails, a reference from an industry giant doesn't hurt.

I got this one from Ron Shortsweather:

"Peter Mandy-Shinflecky is the man you want to see about the job of a lifetime. He grifted me for 11 million, and then he told me the truth. His heart is in the right place (his chest) and his mind is on the right thing (his money). When he orders a cocktail, he tells you an epic. When he tells you an epic, he spins you a yarn. When he knits you a sweater, you're thinking, "OH MY GOSH DID THS GUY JUST SAY HE WOOD MAKE ME A SWEATHEART?!" But in facultiality, he's just making you a cocktale. Tat's what's so's great's about Pietor Mendel-Lesbecky... he's always one step ahead of the game, always one game ahead of the man, always one man ahead of the..."

Top 8 Short Plays I Wrote Because I Want To Be Like Rob

2009-05-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

Hey, so recently, Rob posted a list of short plays he wrote about important social issues. Well, I read it and was inspired (read: jealous), so I gave it a try of my own (read: will never be Rob). Pretty cool, right!?

8. "Infinity"

Stephen Hawking spins his wheelchair in place.

Stephen Hawking: Time lasts along time lasts along time lasts along time lasts along time lasts along time...

Continue until time is done lasting a long time is done lasting a long time is done lasting a long time...

7. "Human Cloning"

A Republican senator accidentally trips into the Human Cloning machine. A duplicate Republican senator appears.

Both Republican Senators: I suddenly feel compelled to change my position on gay marriage!!!

They embrace and the world explodes. Its flaming shards spin backwards through time. A single drop of water (a tear?) falls from Heaven.

6. "Net Neutrality"

Wikipedia founder Jimbo Wales enters, in a flowing cape and flowing wig.

Jimbo Wales: REEEEEEDAAAAAAAACTEEEEEEEED!

Jimbo Wales is devoured by a dinosaur.

5. "What Really Matters"

A man and a woman are in the midst of a heated argument.

Man: Sweet!

Woman: Salty!

Man: SWEET!

Woman: SALTY!

Dennis McIssues: (enters) Guys, guys, come on... peace in the Middle East.

The man and the woman knock out Dennis McIssues and enjoy a bag of Sweet n' Salty Chex Mix together.

4. "An Artist's Voice"

In front of a closed curtain, a woman dressed in black and wearing a beret writes feverishly in her notebook. She slams the notebook shut and pumps her fist.

The Artist: THIS is a truly original idea! I have found my place!

The curtain rises, revealing one million other artists, frozen in the same position. All break freeze and begin consuming each other to the sound of Train's "Calling All Angels".

3. "The Coming Technological Singularity"

All the robots in the world make love until they give birth to the new age.

2. "Steroids"

Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, and all those other bastards enter. They all have huge breasts under their baseball uniforms.

All: WE WON THE WORLD SERIES!

Barry Bonds: ...of having breasts!

Musical number: "There IS Crying in Baseball".

1. "The War on Drugs"

Two teens sit on a park bench. One smokes a joint, the other bounces a basketball.

Joint Teen: I am high on drugs!

Basketball Teen: I am high on life!

A DEA agent enters and shoots both teens.

DEA Agent: I am high on death!

Curtain.

Top 23 Other Baseball Metaphors For Sex

2009-05-10T12:21:00.000-07:00

It is May and baseball season is in full effect! You know that old thing about baseball being a metaphor for sex? Y'know, first base is kissing, second base is heavy petting, etc... Well, it kind of falls apart once you get to the shortstop. But I got to thinking, what about other baseball terms? They must have some sort of sexual analog too, right? Now, I'm not saying that I came up with the definitions or anything, but... well... just think of the possibilities!

23. a ground rule double

22. getting caught in a run-down

21. a ball in the dirt

20. a pinch runner

19. a throwing error

18. getting hit by the pitch

17. bringing in a relief pitcher

16. seventh inning stretch

15. arguing balls and strikes with the umpire

14. rolling out the tarp during a rain delay

13. fouling out

12. the mercy/slaughter rule

11. the infield fly rule

10. a fielder's choice

9. a sacrifice bunt

8. playing on astroturf

7. going into extra innings

6. a grounder through Billy Buckner's legs

5. a walk

4. a bases loaded walk

3. a bases loaded walk in the bottom of the ninth with the score tied

2. having sex on a baseball field

1. a balk

Top 24 Hours During Which Fruit Paunch Will Be Doing Improv In the Next Day

2009-05-08T12:57:00.000-07:00

Hey! Today is the day when the Columbia improv group Fruit Paunch begins the grueling, college-defining, and wholly unnecessary feat known as the 24 Hour Show. That means that if at any time between 5 o'clock on May 8th and 5 o'clock on May 9th you want to see some good improv comedy (performed by people who may be either drunk, hungover, or suffering from heatstroke), you should go over to the grassy area on the right side of Low Library (on the Columbia campus, duh).

24. 5pm-6pm
This is today, 5/8/09.

23. 6pm-7pm

22. 7pm-8pm

21. 8pm-9pm

20. 9pm-10pm
This will most likely be the qualitatively best hour of comedy during the entire 24 hours, as determined by science.

19. 10pm-11pm
I was lying about science. That claim was entirely arbitrary.

18. 11pm-12am

17. 12am-1am
This is tomorrow, 5/9/09.

16. 1am-2am
At this point, a herd of almuni will descend upon the improv group. The alumni will have just seen Obsessed at the Magic Johnson Theater on 125th and most likely will be wasted. They will also be totally ready to improv.

15. 2am-3am
At this point, only alumni will be improv-ing. Every time a current member of the group walks into a scene, they will be shot with an improv gun.

14. 3am-4am

13. 4am-5am
At this point, at least one alumni will be hooking up with a freshman. I'm looking at you, Caitlin.

12. 5am-6am
If you are actually here at this point--as an audience member--you are a hero. If you are actually here at this point--as a member of the group--you deserve every shake and shiver.

11. 6am-7am

10. 7am-8am
Bagels and coffee would be a nice thing to bring 'round about now.

9. 8am-9am

8. 9am-10am

7. 10am-11am
Despite a sense of rejuvenation, this hour will be inexplicably shitty, unless the group spends it team-shaving its hairiest member.

6. 11am-12pm

5. 12pm-1pm
Rumor has it that legendary director Ang Lee might show up! He can almost speak the language!

4. 1pm-2pm

3. 2pm-3pm
Group president and graduating senior Colin Drummond has sworn to eat at least one of his fellow improv-ers during this hour.

2. 3pm-4pm
IMPROV MUSICAL HOUR! (Kidding... maybe!)

1. 4pm-5pm
Give yourselves a hand, kids. You did improv for 24 hours, and not even for like, charity or anything.

10 Short Plays Engaging Serious Social Issues that I Just Wrote

2009-05-08T11:38:00.000-07:00

I recently shared with you my playwriting--a fun, goofy play about a murder mystery party. But I would like to let you all know that I'm not content to write only whimsy. I also write plays about serious social issues. Here are a few that I have just recently written:

10. "Consumer Culture"

A man stands facing away from the audience. He wears khakis and a red polo shirt with the collar popped.

MAN: Fuck L.L. Bean

A huge pile of diapers falls on his head.

9. "The War In Iraq"

Soldiers run across the stage. They run from stage right to stage left, then back to stage right. Then they run to stage left again, then back to stage right. Then they run to stage left and pause. Then they run to stage right and pause.

SOLDIER: War is tediou--

The entire stage explodes.

8. "Capitalism"

A rich-looking man with a top hat, a moustache, and a monocle walks onstage. On top his hat is a massive sign that says, "CAPITALISM" with an arrow pointing downward at him.

MAN: My name is Capitalism. I am unreliable, like capitalism.

7. "Sex Ed"

Five hundred actors have an orgy onstage. They don't stop until either the entire audience has left or all of the actors have died of starvation.

6. "We Have Raped and Pillaged the Lands of the Native Americans"

The actors perform the play "Our Town" in its entirety, but in place of every occurence of the word "the," they sing "On Top of Old Smokey" in its entirety.

5. "Suspension of Habeus Corpus"

An audience member stumbles onstage and vomits. There is no plant--this play just continues in silence until an audience member spontaneously does this.

4. "Red, White and Blue"

CHARLIE SHEEN: (singing) Men men men men manly men men men men men men men manly men men men--

JON CRYER: (joining in) Men men men men manly men, men men men men men manly men--

CHARLIE BROWN: (getting into it) Men men men men men men men--

JON FAVREAU: (licking his sneakers) Men men men men men men men manly men men manly men--

PIOTR TCHAIKOVSKY: (crying into a donut) Men men men manly manly men manly men--

JAMES GARFIELD: (pissing blood) Men manly men manly manly manly men--

ALL THE MEN IN THE WORLD: (silence)

3. "The American Family in the Age of Obama"

Footage of the Holocaust with fart noises.

2. "Proposition 8"

Three Asian men walk into a bar.

ALL THREE ASIAN MEN: Let's get married to each other!

ALL THREE ASIAN MEN: But we're already married to our jobs!

ALL THREE ASIAN MEN: I disagree!

1. "A World Without Abortion"

BRISTOL PALIN: (like a duck) MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Top Two Things My Friends Did That You Should Vote For Because They're In Contests

2009-05-06T19:29:00.000-07:00

2. Colin Drummond and Others Made a Video About Farts

Click here to declare this the funniest video about farts and fart machines (which it is)! The correct vote is 10/10 in all categories.

Now, with the classy one out of the way...

1. Dan Trepanier Dressed Like the Stylish Sexy Man He Is

If you are currently wearing clothes, Dan is currently wearing better ones and looking nicer. If you are not currently wearing clothes, Dan is currently wearing better ones but not necessarily looking nicer because naked people are pretty hott. In either case, you dont have to change your current state of dress or undress to vote for him as Esquire's Best Dressed Man!

Top 13 People Celebrating Birthdays Today

2009-05-05T14:31:00.000-07:00

Hey! Today is a great day to be born! There sure were some great people born on this day! And if by chance you happen to be turning 23 and are in any way doubting the fact that 23 is a great number, here is proof that it is, in fact, the GREATEST number!

13. Craig David
Hey, remember Craig David! (Craig David sure does...)

12. Bernard Pivot
This is the French journalist who inspired James Lipton to start using the Proust Questionnaire on Inside the Actors Studio. His last name is also basically the Russian word for beer.

11. Brian Williams
NBC Nightly News anchor, SNL host, frequent guest on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, makes $10,000,000 a year... dropped out of college. So, kids, if you're looking for a slam dunk closing argument to your "Mom and Dad, college and I aren't working out" speech, look no further than Brian Douglas Williams.

10. Tammy Wynette
Here is a secret. I have a deep love for country music. Like, real country. Like Hank Williams, Patsy Cline, George Jones. And the First Lady of Country Music, Tammy Wynette. There. I said it. I feel better now. PS, yeah, "Stand By Your Man" is iconic (and depressing), but it's not like Tammy didn't sing about the flip side of the coin in "D-I-V-O-R-C-E". Oh man, that song rules (slash kills me)...

9. Roger Rees
Wow, there's gonna be a bunch of Brits on this list. Brit-list. Neat. Roger Rees is an actor who I like for two reasons. Reason One: he played Robin, that British tycoon dude on Cheers. Reason Two: he played Lord John Marbury, that British ambassador dude on The West Wing. That alone is deserving of some sort of award/castle/castle-shaped-award.

8. Tina Yothers
Played the youngest Keaton daughter on Family Ties. (The one that wasn't Justine Bateman.) I have some thoughts. A) Family Ties had one of those once-in-a-lifetime casts... Baxter-Birney, Gross, Bateman, J. Fox, and Yothers? Yeah... try getting that together today. IN THIS ECONOMY!? B) Family Ties, as I was recently reminded, had a seriously great theme song. C) These sentences, from Tina Yother's wiki-article, are sad: "After a nine year absence from acting, Yothers was given the lead role in Lovelace the Musical, a 2004 stage show based on the life of former pornographic movie star Linda Lovelace. She followed that up with a stint as a stock player in the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater in Boca Raton, Florida from 2005 to 2007."

7. Michael Palin
Um, way to have the coolest career, Michael Palin. You were part of Monty Python, you wrote the Spanish Inquisition Sketch, you were in Brazil, and Time Bandits, and A Fish Called Wanda, and now you're a travel writer. PLUS YOU'RE IN TALKS TO PLAY DON QUIXOTE IN THE RELAUNCH OF THE MAN WHO KILLED DON QUIXOTE!?!?!

6. Danielle Fishel
You don't remember Danielle Fishel? What is wrong with you. Were you not alive in the mid to late 90's, while our nation had fallen madly in love with Topanga, the sometime-girlfriend/all-time-ridiculous-named-girl of Cory Matthews on Boy Meets World. This was our youth, America. (BTW, Tina Yothers was no Danielle Fishel.)

5. John Rhys-Davies
More Brits! John Rhys-Davies is one of those dudes who is constantly called upon to play things that he is not... like an Arab archaeologist (Sallah, Indiana Jones films), a Russian general (Pushkin, The Living Daylights), and a dwarf (Gmili, The Lord of the Rings trilogy). Well done, John, you ethnic chameleon!

4. Soren Kierkegaard
Sure, he was the father of Existentialism, but did you know that he was ALSO the uncle of Discordianism, the second-cousin of Libertarianism, and the great-great-great-grandmother of Emo? (I originally typed that as "Elmo" and considered leaving it that way for about four seconds.)

3. Karl Marx
Here are three things about Karl Marx. One of them is a lie. First, of the six kids he had, four were named Jenny. Second, Karl Marx invented the beard. Third, back in the day when I was a bigger loser than I am now, I would walk around with quotes in my wallet, things I found particularly true or incisive or whatever. Anyway, I always liked this one: "The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways—the point, however, is to change it."

2. Nellie Bly
Nellie Bly is legit one of the coolest people of all time. At the age of friggin' 23 (23!?!), she convinced Joseph Pulitzer to let her go undercover in the Women's Lunatic Asylum on Blackwell's Island to expose the injustices and atrocities being committed there. She PRETENDED TO BE INSANE for the sake of JOURNALISM! Then, she made a trip around the world--setting the record in the process, of course; she completed the journey in 72 days. THEN, she married a millionaire, became the president of a steel company, and invented a better steel barrel. Oh, also, Abby Bartlett gives a super-impassioned speech about her on The West Wing. (Because it all has to come back to The West Wing somehow.)

1. Lakshmi!
Happy Birthday, Laksh! We here at PaRMLoT hope you have both the best day and the best year!

Top 7 Reasons That the Original Tom Waits Version of 'Downtown Train' Is Better Than the Rod Stewart Cover

2009-04-30T19:18:00.000-07:00

Better like this?

Downtown Train - Tom Waits

...Or better like this?

Downtown Train - Rod Stewart

The right answer is the first one and here's why.

7. It's on Rain Dogs.

...and Rain Dogs is either the best or second-best Waits album of the 1980s. I know the classic critical opinion is that Rain Dogs is the dopest shit of the Reagan Era and I have nothing but love for it, but honestly, I kinda dig Franks Wild Years a tiny bit more. That being said, "Downtown Train" is a classic track on a classic record.

6. Authenticity, Pt. I.

Tom Waits IS a mad street poet, a junkie prophet, an alley-cat with a song to sing for the moon. Rod Stewart is a big blonde sex bomb. Don't get me wrong--Rod is one of England's national treasures. (OMFG, someone make THAT sequel RIGHT NOW! CALL NIC CAGE! National Treasure 3: The Treasure is Rod Stewart!!!) But there's just something off about him singing this urban paean of longing and loneliness.

5. It was originally released in 1985.

Hey! That's the year I was born! Nice! Rod Stewart's version was from 1989... when I was in Germany. So, ya know, guess I just wasn't around for it.

4. Authenticity, Pt. II.

"Downtown trains are full with all them Brooklyn girls"? What does Rod know about Brooklyn girls!? (What does ANYONE know about Brooklyn girls...)

3. It's more desperate and gritty.

The Waits version keeps its instrumentation true to its content. The Stewart version is all synthy and sheeny and jingly. It's still a great pop song, but it just can't compare to the gristle and grind of Waits. This isn't a song about a guy who gets the girl. He's never even actually talked to this girl. He's homeless and he sees her every night and he loves her and he will never have her. That's a beautiful story, right there. Rod Stewart gets to get the girl. Have you friggin' seen the video for "Hot Legs"? Trust me, he gets the girl. For this song to work, you need to believe that the singer doesn't get the girl.

2. Not only is it a great song, it's a phenomenal video.

1. It's Tom Fucking Waits.

I mean, really.

Top 15 Songs With Long Titles on My Computer

2009-04-28T20:18:00.000-07:00

The other night, I heard Tom and Caitlin discussing the current state of music while The Decemberists played on The Colbert Report. The general consensus was that Tom doesn't get music today and that musicians, The Decemberists especially, take themselves to seriously. I'm not entirely sure I agree, but I see where they're coming from. (I think it takes a certain amount of self-awareness and goofiness to write a folk-rock-opera, especially one about rakes and drowning and queens and... whatever the fuck The Hazards of Love is about. That being said, I dunno if we really needed a folk-rock-opera.)

Anyway, I think a good sign of a band taking themselves too seriously is the length of its song titles. But they could also just being having a good time... who knows, really. I don't, but that's not going to stop me from continuing to write this list.

(The opposite of really long song titles is rap skits. Oh man, the minute you record a rap skit, you are basically saying to the world, "Listen. We're only in it for the goofs." Like, "Where Are My Panties?" on Speakerboxxx/The Love Below. Good call on that one, Laksh.)

15. "You Are A Runner And I Am My Father's Son" - Wolf Parade

I have no way of evaluating the truth of this statement, but the boys in Wolf Parade are Canadian, and that’s as good as trustworthy. (They are Canadian, right? Did I make that up? “Oh, Peter… he thinks everyone is Canadaian.”)

14. "Up on Your Leopard, Upon the End of Your Feral Days" - Sunset Rubdown

You can make your own Sunset Rubdown song. It’s really easy. Just come up with a balls-to-the-wall ridiculous statement about another person, with a hint of nature-themed mysticism to boot. (For instance, “You Painted My Woods With Sunfire, I Cried ‘Nay!’”) Great, there is your title. Now, just drone anxiously and yelp for five or six minutes about childhood and wolves and maidens or whatever, and you are basically there.

13. "Oh God, Where Are You Now? (In Pickeral Lake? Pigeon? Marquette? Mackinaw?)" - Sufjan Stevens

Several of these are longer via the addition of parentheticals. (That is kind of cheating, but whatevs.) There were also a bunch more Sufjan songs with long titles, but I figured it would be overkill. Hey, by the way, it’s almost getting to be time for us to say, “Remember Sufjan Stevens?”!

12. "Final Countdown Of The Collision Between Us And The Damned" - Public Enemy

Really just a 49-second loop of beats and bleeps. And I guess at the end we collide with the damned? That part is less clear.

11. "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You" - Black Kids

Oh, Black Kids. If only you had like, two other songs that I liked.

10. "Listening to Otis Redding At Home During Christmas" - Okkervil River

It would be kinda funny to start an Okkervil River tribute band called like, Overkill Revir. Oh god, if I ever do that, just… beat me with a book or something.

9. "Nothing In This World Can Stop Me Worryin' Bout That Girl" - The Kinks

As featured in Rushmore! Man, how good were The Kinks. I mean, yeah, “You Really Got Me” and “Lola”, sure, fine. But those boys could range it from straight-up, boogie-down garage rock (the aforementioned) to giggly goof-ass college boy stuff (“A Well Respected Man”) to emo/indie bedrock (“Strangers”, “This Time Tomorrow”).

8. "Excuse Me While I Break My Own Heart Tonight" - Whiskeytown

You’re excused, Ryan Adams!

7. "Pigs That Ran Straightaway Into the Water, Triumph Of" - The Mountain Goats

The refrain of this song is “I come from Chino, where the asphalt sprouts!” so I always imagine that it is being sung by Ryan Atwood of The O.C. …I’ve said too much.

6. "Thank You Mario But Our Princess Is In Another Castle" - The Mountain Goats & Kaki King

Hey! Cool! Another Mountain Goats song. And one is about video games, no less.

5. "Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again" - Bob Dylan

Note: Back in the 60s, this sort of predicament was cool to joke about, now it’s a DSM-IV recognized psychological disorder.

4. "(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding" - Elvis Costello & The Attractions

Oh, hello, my karaoke song. Don’t believe me?! FEAST YOUR EYES! (Thanks for the video, Lauren.)

3. "Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis" - Tom Waits

This is maybe not so long of a title, actually, but… I mean… goddamn. That is a title. It’s got stuff we can ALL agree on as a family—Christmas, Minnesota, and prostitution. NICE.

2. "Rocket Man (I Think It's Going to be a Long, Long Time)" - Elton John

As previously mentioned, this was my favorite song for a little while when I was a little guy. (Maybe five or six or so.) Despite my early introduction to metaphors, it took me a super-long time to get that this was about the horrors of fame, not the horrors of space travel. Not gonna lie… I kinda like it better my way.

1. "This Is How You Spell 'HAHAHA, We Destroyed the Hopes and Dreams of a Generation of Faux-Romantics'" - Los Campesinos!

WHAT! That’s not a title, that’s a bowl of word salad. Los Campesinos!, you are on warning. (I kid, I kid… I like you guys. I’m still really sorry you didn’t make our Top 15 Albums of 2008 list—even after you basically wrote our theme song, “My Year in Lists”!)

3 Eloquent Defenses of Laugh Tracks on the Blogs of Television Writers/Critics

2009-04-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

While I was wasting a little time in between writing my paper, I found these today. I thought they all had something interesting and worthwhile to say, especially as I have often personally defended the laugh track as having its place and time and enhancing a show that is well-built with it in mind. Maybe some time I will share my own thoughts on the laugh track/studio audience laughter issue in full. Until then, THESE:

3. "Bring Back the Laugh Track!" by Jaime J. Weinman

A pretty full-throated endorsement of laugh tracks for single-camera comedies. Not sure if I fully agree, but interseting.

2. "Laugh Tracks" by Ken Levine

Probably more negative than positive in this one, but it contains an good defense of the laugh track's use in certain situations.

1. "Laugh Tracks" by Earl Pomerantz

The best of these, though it's more about studio audience laughter than laugh tracks per se. That's probably good, since very few people (other than #3 above) I know of actually think that canned laughter in single-camera sitcoms should come back. So the point about taped-live shows is more interesting to argue. Also, might I add that this blog, written by a former writer for Taxi among other shows (but it's Taxi that I care about because I LOVE TAXI) is absolutely delightful in general. I'm going to subscribe to it in Google Reader right NOW.

Top 12 Things To Do To Ruin 4/20

2009-04-20T20:44:00.000-07:00

Today was April 20^th, also known as 4/20. 4/20 was Hitler’s birthday, and now, it’s National Smoke Weed Day. This is an extreme case of correlation not equaling causation.

Not that I have any qualms with the day or anything, just because I enjoy being contrary…

12. Walk into one of the headshops down in the Village, and ring out in a sing-songy voice, “Helloooooo, is there any chance you happen to be selling any a-WEEEEED?!”

11. Rent every damn Sean Penn movie except for Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

10. Bike around with a boombox blaring “Truckin’” on repeat, and if anyone says anything to you, scream “NAH MAN, I’M STRAIGHT-EDGE!”

9. Insist that since possession is 9/10ths of the law, the real day of celebration should be September 10^th.

8. Invent a new sport: Frisbee skeet!

7. Go to White Castle and order a salad.

6. Send out the email reprinted in this blog post.

5. Watch Little Shop of Horrors, The Day of the Triffids, or The Ruins—really any movie with evil plants in it.

4. Actually, watching The Ruins will ruin just about any day.

3. Oh shit, that last pun was TOTALLY unintentional.

2. Write a list that devolves into unintentional puns.

1. Actually get arrested for marijuana drug possession.

54 "Band Interests" of Asher Roth, According to his Facebook Page

2009-04-19T20:25:00.000-07:00

Dear The World,

If you haven't heard of Asher Roth yet, please prepare to meet the worst human being alive. Are you mentally ready yet? Okay, here he is: no embedding, so click here.

I have some difficulties expressing exactly what disgusts me so wholly about Asher Roth, though I will attempt in a future post. Until then, please enjoy this vomit-inducing list of Asher's "band interests" on Facebook. I'm fairly certain that this is actually just a list of everything he has ever heard of.

1. happiness

2. health

3. 70 and sunny

4. good weed

5. good people

6. mario 3

7. water

8. breathing

9. walks

10. naps

11. starting chants

12. rock paper scissors

13. seeing

14. doing

15. making up words

16. people watching

17. dreaming

18. psychoanalysis

19. space

20. gambling

21. 4 am

22. battle dances

23. watching people hurt themselves

24. scares

25. teleporting

26. not paying attention

27. coincidences

28. pick up lines

29. hiding the fact that I'm a rapper

30. 11:11

31. trying to meditate

32. green tea

33. soft boiled eggs

34. making out

35. booty

36. cleavage

37. intelligent conversations

38. dares

39. patron shots

40. jack and ginger

41. singles up the middle

42. not washing jeans for months

43. 3 move checkmate

44. manipulation/mind control

45. turkey salsalito

46. mtv jams

47. ehonda's 100 hand slap

48. cloning

49. lunar/solar eclipses

50. prank calls

51. ruining pictures

52. smoothies

53. making vulgar rap songs

54. breakfast

The existence of 35-37 alone, whether or not it was intentionally ironic, should be enough to legally put this man to death. Also, everything else. Though I admit that I agree with 23 if that "people" is Asher Roth, and he hurts himself in a way that horribly disfigures him forever. No thanks to Lauren Glover, who discovered this abomination of a found art trainwreck.

Top 9 Childhood Influences

2009-04-17T13:28:00.000-07:00

I could, and therefore, probably will do another one of these that only covers sports-related influences. By the way, please continue to pardon our tardiness with the listing. Rob is like, graduating, and I am like, lazy.

9. Murder By Death
Oh gosh, I watched this constantly as a kid... didn't get half the references or the dirty jokes, didn't recognize a single person in the once-in-a-lifetime cast, but it flat-out killed me. Neil Simon is just a brilliant, brilliant guy, ya know? And casting Peter Sellers as a Charlie Chan parody? If that isn't an inspired bit of genius, I don't know what is.

8. Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young
I think these guys might actually have been the inspiration for writing this list in the first place. Last week, I started listening to their first few albums on repeat, basically... just out of the blue. All these memories flooded back--me in my living room, listening to my dad's vinyl copy of Deja Vu, my parents harmonizing on "Teach Your Children", getting the twenty-five-years-too-late gossip about Judy Collins and Stephen Stills. I could listen to "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes" a million times and never get sick of it. (Fun fact: in high school, Matt and I wrote a movie and a key plot point was one of the characters listening to "Love the One You're With" thirty seven times on repeat. Anyway.) That was kind of how I learned about love, as a kid. You fall for someone, you write a song. They break your heart, you write another. It just makes sense. Mr. Stills says it even better: "There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. I've had my share of success and failure at all three." God, I hope I say something like that some day.

7. Dr. Doolittle
There was a period of my life--it may have been a year or so--where I watched this every day. I actually don't remember a lot about it, to be totally honest, but at the time, I was convinced that Rex Harrison was a god. HE COULD TALK TO THE ANIMALS. (I had not yet fully grasped fiction.) The last act of that movie is the most ridiculous, drug-infused explosion of madness, by the way... friggin' huge snails?! An islander dude named William Shakespeare X?! A MOTH THAT FLIES BETWEEN THE EARTH AND THE MOON?! This was my childhood.

6. Elton John's Honky Chateau
This was the main casette in rotation in our car's tapedeck. Every song on it is perfect. I had "Rocket Man" memorized by the age of four or so. I fell in love with a girl named Amy in kindergarten, so "Amy" became my favorite song for like, a day. We had a cat named Honky, so "Honky Cat" was a big hit with me. For some reason, I loved "I Think I'm Gonna Kill Myself", too... which distressed my parents to no end. And John's delivery of the word 'shackles' in "Slave" always got me really psyched. The standout track is probably "Mona Lisas and Madhatters" though, which I rediscovered when it showed up in Almost Famous, and again when I moved to New York for college.

5. The Adventures of Robin Hood
I've already gone off on my love for this film a few times, most recently here... suffice to say, this is where I learned what heroism looks like. (Heroism looks like Errol Flynn throwing a dead deer onto the king's banquet table, incidentally.)

4. A Prairie Home Companion
I can't count the times that Garrison Keillor's voice was the last thing I heard before falling asleep. Okay, that sounded intensely creepy. Um, anyway... best living American story-teller? Maybe?

3. Into the Woods
Okay, so, I know I don't mention this a lot, but I'm kind of a musical theater person. And Into the Woods is why. I mean, for my money, there isn't a better musical out there. There also aren't many better examinations of parent-child relationships or morality or the concept of story or the idea of what consitutes a happy ending... I could keep going. The only thing that kills me is that I never got to play the Baker. (I played the goddamn Steward, just in case you're wondering. Don't. Get. Me. Started. This concludes the gayest rant on PaRMLoT.)

2. Bob Dylan's Blood on the Tracks
So whether this album is ALL about Sara or TOTALLY inspired by the short stories of Anton Chekov, this album takes that artist-plus-artist's-beloved-equals-art equation and runs with it to friggin' Mexico. (Not that it has a Latin vibe, or anything.) I remember one summer, after my high school girlfriend and I set a date for our break-up... I was working maintenance at my dad's college and she was running the new student orientation. I spent all day driving around in a truck, listening to this. My buddy Trey tried to steal it from me, I think, so I could move on... both to another album and to another girl, I guess. Sometimes you just have to listen to Blood on the Tracks over and over and over until you get it, though.

1. Cat's Cradle
Hands down, not-even-close, best book ever written. Changed me for good, and continues to change me every time I read it. When Laksh bought me a new copy for Valentine's, I was like, "This girl is golden." There is simply no other document that explores the interplay of science, religion, and humanity than this novel. And my dad gave it to me to read when I was eight.

Thanks, dad.

Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things

Top 2 Dakotas

Top 5 Mountain Goats Love Songs

Top 19 Excuses For Not Posting In Forever

Top 17 Tracks on Abbey Road, After Many Iterations of Google Translate

Top 15 Things I Will Miss About New York

Top 4 Fictional Characters Named "The Greek"

Top 1 Things That Get Me Every Time

Top 8 Snarky, Jaded Websites

Top 10 Most Underrated Films

Top 10 Next Todd Phillips Movies

Top 22 Under-the-Rader MLB Deadline Deals

Top 10 Best Sitcom Episodes of the 2008-2009 Television Season

Top 18 General Hospital Spinoffs

Top 17 Things I Texted Rob While Watching "The Dark Knight" Tonight

Top 6 Lines of Criticism that I Find Stupid

The Top 19 Things Your Dentist Won't Tell You

The First 10 Things I Tweeted on Twitter

Top 16 Tranny Movies

Top 15 Other Best Picture Style Changes We Have To Look Forward To

Top 11 Suggestions of Things to Do with Iran

Top 1 Twitter Versions of Hamlet

Top One President that Would've Been Aborted by Richard Nixon

Top 3 Comedies I Really Wanted to See But Then They Got Kinda Bad Reviews

Top 6 Things that are Great about the California DMV

Top 5 Reasons People Love "Don't Stop Believing"

Top 1 Teaser Videos About Mini Golf In Brooklyn

Top 24 Blogs That Were Discovered By Just Typing "[A Word Or Phrase Someone Thought Of].blogspot.com"

Top 8 Things to Do When You're Unemployed

Top 13 Things I Learned About Moonshine This Past Weekend

Top 14 Pictures of Otters (With Vulgar, Incendiary Captions That I Wrote)

Top 5 Things that Shakesperean Clowns Do and What Real Clowns Would Do Instead

Top 6 Greatest "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" Moments

25 EVEN MORE MEATBONES

Top 10 Best Quotes In This NY Times Article About Hugging

Top 2 Boys Who Are All Grown Up Today!

Top 9 Resume Tips

Top 8 Short Plays I Wrote Because I Want To Be Like Rob

Top 23 Other Baseball Metaphors For Sex

Top 24 Hours During Which Fruit Paunch Will Be Doing Improv In the Next Day

10 Short Plays Engaging Serious Social Issues that I Just Wrote

Top Two Things My Friends Did That You Should Vote For Because They're In Contests

Top Two Videos that Together Constitute a Play I Wrote and Directed

Top 13 People Celebrating Birthdays Today

Top 7 Reasons That the Original Tom Waits Version of 'Downtown Train' Is Better Than the Rod Stewart Cover

Top 15 Songs With Long Titles on My Computer

3 Eloquent Defenses of Laugh Tracks on the Blogs of Television Writers/Critics

Top 9 Videos From the Wisest Man On the Internets

Top 12 Things To Do To Ruin 4/20

54 "Band Interests" of Asher Roth, According to his Facebook Page

Top 9 Childhood Influences

Top 5 Links Rami Has Forwarded Me In The Past Few Days