Top 9 Trails

You guys! It is another one of those lists where I take a word that has multiple (maybe?) meanings and write my favorite examples of it in real-life (or maybe fake ones too!). And also, it is another one of those lists that Laksh came up with when I was complaining about how hard it is to come up with ideas for lists!

9. Trail of Tears

Let us not mince words, friends. This was not a good trail. This was not a fun trail. In fact, there was, as is implied by the title, a decent amount of crying on this trail. Legend has it that so many Native American tears were shed during this trail, that they carved a mighty chasm into the earth and flooded it, thus forming the Mississippi River. Some braves jumped in and became bull sharks. Other turned into gambling boats.

8. Happy trails

I hear these are cool? I dunno... mine is not a trail, mine is like if there were a bunch of settlers who got separated while going through a valley and decided to go off in separate directions. Maybe a few of them run into each other again, but then they branch off again because they have weird pasts and even though they are lost in the wilderness, they're better off on their own, frankly.

7. Campaign trail

Question: What is the easiest way to get free Vermont maple syrup, Idaho potatoes, and Kentucky whiskey? Answer: Run for president. Also, you get to kiss babies from all 50 states. It's like collecting the 50 State Quarters, but with babies instead of change!

6. Apple trailers

Hey! Do you want to be that kid who quotes the new Batman/Coen Brothers/EpicDateDisaster movie before all the other nerds on the playground? Well then, this is the site for you! I mean, chances are, a lot of these trailers will play for 2 days at the Angelika and like, .1 days anywhere else, but you guys, one day I saw my friend's face RIGHT NEXT to Steve Carrell's! Hannah Takes The Stairs and Dan in Real Life were totally in kissing distance!

5. Trailhead

Wait. Peter. Are you saying that blogosphere coverage of the presidential campaign is actually cooler than the campaign itself? UH HUH. Witty, incisive coverage from Columbia University's own Chris Beam. (He even got made fun of on The Colbert Report! Way to go, Chris!) They recently had a naming contest for Bristol Palin's unborn child... of the entries received, I think "Puck" is a good one, because I like hockey and recently played the part in Midsummer. (Although I'd go even further with the hockey-imagery: "Two-way Forward"! Wait, no... that sounds kinda... gay.)

4. Tractor trailers

My uncle drives one of these. He also a) owns a fez, b) smokes fine cigars, c) appreciates The Third Man on a deep level, d) is married to my awesome aunt, e) is the proud owner of two Siamese cats and a horse, and f) lives in a log cabin. Okay, admittedly, this makes a better case for my uncle being one of the coolest guys on the planet, than it does for tractor trailers being the fourth coolest trail-related thing... but I ask you, America. Would a cool guy like my uncle hang out with tractor trailers if they weren't at least as half as cool (read: VERY cool) as he is? I rest my totally unimpeachable case.

3. Trail mix

Also known as GORP! Oh man. This stuff has it all... granola, oatmeal, raisins, AND peanuts. And if your counselor/mom is really nice, there's gonna be M&M's and maybe cranberries, too! It'll fuel you up right for that 8-mile hike! And remember, when you make camp, REMEMBER TO BEAR-BAG YOUR SHIT BEFORE YOU GO TO THE VISTA LOOKOUT. Seriously. Those guys are everywhere. 

2. Appalachian Trail

Hey! You know what a good place to eat Trail Mix is? The Appalachian Trail! This is a sweet trail, because with most national monument/park-type things you can meet someone whose been there and say something, "Oh, yeah yeah yeah, Mammoth Cave... that place is tight, totally. Oh man, right, that video at the beginning--that shit was intense. Wait, did you have that one tour guide? Kendra... Kenley... Kennifer? YEAH! Kennifer! That lady was bat-shit. Any chance she told you that story--SHE DID?! HAHAHA THAT'S AMAZING!" Yeah, that doesn't happen on the Appalachian Trail. It's almost 2200 miles long. "Oh, hey, did you happen to see this one little lodge? Oh right, you were in Maine, I was in Georgia. Hah. Well, whatever, let's keep kissing." (You guys, that hypothetical story got sexy at the end!!!)

1. Computer game trails

Clearly the only reason I did this list was so I could debate the various merits of the following real-life trails (and whether or not their virtual counterparts stack up.)

Oregon Trail: The Video Game vs. Oregon Trail: The Actual Thing

The Game: This is the Legends of the Hidden Temple of mid-90s MAC games. "Hahaha I have to ford the river to go shoot some buffalo but oh no you died of dysentery and now I'm going to raft down the Dalles hahaha!" Yes. Yes, you made some references there, and in some way, I suppose that that constitutes a joke. (DUDES, I am poking my own ribs here, not yours!) 

The Trail: The reality is that dysentery, broken axles, capsized wagons, rotting meat, malaria, dead oxen, snakebites, and Indian attacks are not fun. Maybe we shouldn't make fun of these things? (Okay, but I am still going to, though. Check out this shirt!!!)

The Verdict: THE GAME!

Yukon Trail: The Video Game vs. Yukon Trail: The Actual Thing

The Game: Mostly spent just walkin'... oh, and if you pick the hot Inuit guide, sure, she gives good directions and knows her way around the Alaskan wilderness, but guess what--she'll get ya to the Gold Rush, but you'll never get to second base with her. There's some classic raftin' action and at the end, you get to dig for gold, which is neat. I dunno, though... I mostly just killed time playing the Euchre mini-game at one of the General Stores.

The Trail: Gold rushes are friggin' sweet. Step one: Someone finds gold. Step two: Someone tells everyone. Step three: Everyone rushes to the gold! It sounds like Spring Break crossed with an awesome game show but without cameras! 

The Verdict: THE TRAIL!

Amazon Trail: The Video Game vs. Amazon Trail: WTF?

The Game: This shit was a co-option of my youth. After OT and YT, they gave me this shit. "OH! Why don't you go take pictures of animals! Maybe you can pike some fish if you are hungry? Is there a way to actually win this game? We forgot to make one!!!" This game is bullshit.

The Trail: Um... there was no Amazon Trail. I mean, there were some people who trailed into the Amazon to a) set up plantations, b) enslave native tribes, or c) do ayahuasca... but none of that stuff is in the game, and rightfully so. Except for the ayahuasca. That'd be a fun... game... to play.

The Verdict: BULLSHIT.

The Top 25 Best Things About 1998

So, I wanted to do a list about all the good things that have happened so far in 2008, but then I realized that I would just be one more guy talking about how awesome Batman and Barack Obama are. Well, I hate being "one more guy", so I decided instead to do a list about all the awesome things that happened in 1908. 

Turns out 1908 was a shitty year for awesome. 1998, on the other hand, was basically the best year ever. Aside from the Clinton Impeachment, and El Nino, and Osama bin Laden issuing afatwa, and the abortion clinic bombings, and Windows 98, and Titanic, and George Michael getting arrested. (Leave him alone, people! The man is an artist!) Yep. Great, great year. 

For these reasons!

25. John Glenn, 77 years old, goes to space

See, if John McCain wanted to change people's minds on this whole John-McCain-is-older-than-Methuselah thing, he'd have the courage to go into space. Of course, McCain's idea of space is probably straight out of La Voyage dans le Lune, complete with astronauts in hoop skirts belaying down to the Sea of Tranquility with parasols and picnic baskets.

24. Bear Grylls, 23 years old, is the youngest to climb Mt. Everest

Nine years later, he became the youngest man to drink his own urine on national TV, on his much-lauded adventure/survival program "Man vs. Wild".

23. Bulworth

There was a long time when I just assumed this movie had not aged well, but after catching it on cable a while back, I was really pleased to see that it's alive and well, in fact. What was awkward about Warren Beatty rapping in 1998 is still awkward, and to some degree, I think that's kind of the point. More importantly, WHERE HAVE YOU GONE, WARREN BEATTY!?

22. Lauryn Hill - The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill

Goddamn, this is a groundbreaking album. Not groundbreaking in a "Oh my gosh,ladies rapping!" sort of way, but a "Holy shit, that girl-rapper just won five Grammys and actually deserved it sort of way." And I know it's semi-sexist when people focus on the production values of a female artist's work--as if to say, "Well, sure it's good, she had help... and the help was all dudes"--but the collaborations with Julian Marley, Carlos Santana, D'Angelo, and a then-unknown John Legend are pretty damn good.

21. Craig Kilborn leaves The Daily Show

And though Jon Stewart wouldn't officially join the show until January of 1999, Kilborn's departure was a ridiculously good thing for the show. It set the ball rolling for The Daily Show to transform from an arrogant 22-minutes that showcased the ego behind the desk, toactually focusing on the hypocrisy and humor behind the headlines.

20. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

My memories of this movie mostly consist of listening to the soundtrack over and over and quoting it incessantly in the religion office of my high school, and if you know me, you get that that's a pretty sound endorsement of a film. PS: Terry Gilliam's third-best film? MAYBE?

19. The Minnesota Vikings go 15-1, set NFL record for points scored, Randy Moss is a freak of nature/Rookie of the Year

This is entirely a partisan inclusion, but I have very little problem with that. 556 points in 16 games! Can you comprehend that? That's almost 35 points a game! More than a touchdown a quarter! DAMN. Patriots fans: YEP. I know you broke the record last year. You also broke it with relatively the same team that won three Super Bowls, the same golden-boy quarterback, the same bulldog-in-a-hoodie coach... The Vikes did it with a quarterback everyone said wasway past his prime, a coach perennially on the hot-seat, and, oh-by-the-way, no one saw it coming. Um... but they ended up losing in the NFC Title Game. Shut up shut up shut up.

18. Pleasantville

You simply could not have this cast together in one film today. It's too good. Tobey Maguire, Reese Witherspoon, William H. Macy, Joan Allen, and Jeff Daniels. (Oh, and Paul Walker. You go, Paul Walker!) I'll forgive the semi-heavy-handedness ("Get it, see, they're ostracized because they're in color... they're coloreds. Right?") and I'll applaud the masterful To Kill A Mockingbird court scene homage and frankly, I'll come out and say it, why the hell weren't the art direction and costume design for this film recognized with the Oscars they deserved! This film is a beautiful, complex meditation on how our values shape television and how television shapes our values.

17. Bulls win NBA Finals on Jordan's last second shot

So what if he pushed off... this was friggin' iconic. 

16. Black Star - S/T

I guess you can't say that a classic touchstone of so-called "conscious hip hop" is a fun listen, but dammit, I didn't apply that title in the first place, so I'm going to say it. This a fun album to listen to, and that doesn't take away from its insight or its social commentary. And I'm going to bring production up again, because Hi-Tek is seriously skilled. Too bad there was never a follow-up...

15. Fond TV farewells: "Seinfeld", "The Larry Sanders Show"... to a much, much lesser extent "Family Matters"

14. Silver Jews - American Water

Aaaah, this should even be higher, really... you start off with one of the all-time great album openers, "Random Rules"--seriously, amazing first line: "In 1985 I was hospitalized for approaching perfection"--and then you careen off into a wild, sprawling desert of stories, stories full of characters you half-already know, as if they are tumbling out of your dreams. For a moment, you want to ask David Berman and Stephen Malkmus why they know so much about your dreams, but by the time you get the courage, you are humming along and it's too late.

13. The Truman Show

I don't think it's any coincidence that this film and Pleasantville came out in the same year. Far be it from me to peg 1998 as the first year that Hollywood became aware of television's potential for reality-engineering--I'm looking at you, Network--but they sure tapped into some kinda zeitgeist. And I'm not usually one to commend typically comedic actors for aberrantly successful dramatic performances, but goddamn is Jim Carrey good in this film.

12. Elliott Smith - XO

Let me first say that this is by no means my favorite Elliott Smith album. However, I think it deserves inclusion on a Best of '98 list simply for the shift in tone that it marks. As Smith's first major-label release, it is a snapshot of an artist moving away from his guy-plus-guitar image to a more intricately orchestrated, ambitious sound. This transition was catalyzed, in part, by Smith's contributions to the Good Will Hunting soundtrack, but you get the sense on this album that he could only say so much in lo-fi; he was searching for a new sound.

11. Good year for books looking to be made into films -- About a Boy, The Hours, Election, Holes, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

10. Also like every 90's song ever: "Jumper", "Sex and Candy", "The Way", "Closing Time", "Torn", "Iris"...

9. Sports Night debuts

It may have only last two seasons, but I defy you to find snappier dialogue, more carefully-crafted characters, or a more engaging comedy-drama on TV today. AND let us not forget, Aaron Sorkin followed up the critical success of Sports Night with the 7-season triumph that I am watching as I write this list, The West Wing.

8. Outkast - Aquemini

I read something Chris Rock wrote awhile back about Erykah Badu's influence on this album. His thesis was that she was with Andre 3000 during the making of Aquemini and it turned out to be amazing, and further, that she was with Common during the making of Like Water for Chocolate, which also turned out to be amazing, so, basically, Erykah Badu is the grand muse of hip-hop. Anyway. This is a seriously great album, start to finish, but more importantly, it signified that Southern Hip Hop was just as important a player as the hip hop coming from either of the coasts. 

7. Can't Hardly Wait

I have said as many words on the subject of Can't Hardly Wait as Harold Bloom has on Shakespeare, so I don't intend to load you down with more. I don't need to sell you on this movie, because chances are, if you are reading this blog, you were already sold on it in 1998.

6. Billy Bragg and Wilco - Mermaid Avenue

The history of entertainment is full of stories about landmark team-ups that should have been amazing but somehow crashed and burned. For some reason, A + B does not always equal brilliance. This was not one of those times. What is so blindingly apparent about this album is how well the poetry of Woody Guthrie compliments the voices of Billy Bragg and Jeff Tweedy, how well the melodic sensibilities of Bragg work combined with the ragged Americana of Tweedy, and vice versas all around. You hear genius-as-a-whole on this record way, way, way before the individual geniuses come to the surface. Oh, yeah... and Guthrie-as-rabid-socialist-Catholic/Robin Hood is a hell of a good time to listen to.

5. 1998 in baseball: Home Run Chase, Cal Ripken ends his streak, Yankees win 125 games

It is difficult to look back on the 1998 Major League Baseball season without the aid of some biased frame of reference, whether it's the rosy-tinted glasses of 1998-made-baseball-America's-game-again or the bitter-realism aviators of 1998-was-fueled-by-steroids-and-commissioner-indifference. Be that as it may, the images are enduring nonetheless.

4. Google founded

And now we can all google ourselves! It's as fun to say as it is to do. (When you google me, you get some reviews I wrote for Amazon, the homepage of my lab, and some interviews regarding various Columbia theatrical productions. Oh, and the WikiCU page that Rob wrote for me!)

3. Rushmore

I've gone back and forth on this film over the years. Sometimes it's my second favorite Wes Anderson film, sometimes it's my least. Then, I came to a realization--my least favorite Wes Anderson film is still likely to be quite a marvel. This film is like that perfect diorama that your rival brings in for the 6th grade science fair... painstakingly designed yet somehow effortlessly tossed off. This is the work of an auteur before he realizes that he's an auteur.

2. Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

This is not merely an album, it is a symphony. It has a) the best lyrics of any album from the 90s, b) the best horn section of any album from the 90s, and c) the best closing track of any album from the 90s. You here the opener, you have to sit for the whole thing. Plain and simple.

1. The Big Lebowski

I will never get tired of this film. In thirty years, if someone asks me, "Hey, do you want to watch The Big Lebowski?" I can guarantee you that I will say yes. There is always something new to laugh at, and even when there isn't, there is always something familiar and wonderful to delight in. It is always a pleasure and a joy to see good actors having fun with their material and that's what makes the Coens so special, they absolutely infuse their films with FUN. This is the kind of movie you make when first and foremost, you flat-out love movies. 

The Top 12 Best Articles I Wrote for the Fed

Okay, so I'm lazy and feel like recycling some material I already wrote a long time ago.  This was mostly inspired by the fact that I wrote a comedy article for the Blue and White/Bwog that I thought turned out decently well, and I was reminded of a time when I wrote a lot more comedy articles.  And yeah, this is a bunch of navel-gazing, but whatever, my navel is pretty.

(NOTE: This is going to be a long note.  Part of the reason I wanted to mention the Blue and White article is that based on the comments, at least a few people seem to think that it sucks/isn't funny.  It's hard to tell, of course, since people have stronger negative reactions than they have positive reactions--that's just the way we're built--but I do actually think that anonymous slams are kind of useful, and if you thought the article was a waste of time and unfunny, I'm sorry, and I'm glad you posted and gave your opinion.  I think the idea that "all critics should be creators" or "if you can't do better, don't criticize" is basically grade-A idiocy, because by writing and publishing anything at all, you are also making an implicit statement that it deserves to be read.  Ergo, if you spend five minutes reading something and feel like your time was wasted, well, your time WAS wasted by the author, who put it out there in the first place.  Also, the argument of "if you don't like it, don't read it" is dumb as disabled rocks for obvious reasons--how would you know if you'll like it until you read it?  Anyway, for as much as I hate the internet sometimes, I do like the fact that you can get unfiltered feedback, so that way I can learn that not a ton of people enjoy Button Down Mind of Bob Newhart-style written articles as much as I do.  Or just not that one.  For the record, I thought the article was pretty funny, though.  You dick.)

So, here are my favorite Fed articles of my own, out of the thirty or so I've written:

12. 10-Year-Old Reviews IMDb’s Top Ten Movies of All Time

This is the one I was on the edge about including and almost didn't, so I'll make it last.  Here is why: I think 4, 5, 7, 8, and 9 on that are really funny.  I think the rest aren't.  I should've just made it a ten-year-old reviews "some" movies on IMDb and chosen other classics that I could make good jokes about to fill it out.

11. It is Imperative that You Spoon This Fruit Indiscriminately

I think overanalysis is really funny, but I rarely think that I have a good enough comedic concept to make it work.  I like this article--and I especially like that the combinatorics are right, I'm pretty sure--but at the same time I feel like it's not at all funny to people who a) don't flip out at the jerks who take all the berries from the fruit salad ('cuz I do) and b) don't like math a lot (I do).  Anyway, overall I'm happy with it because I think it has a markedly different feel than any other article I've written, but runs in that direction in a funny way.

10. What Are Your Plans for That Junk?

When I wrote this, I definitely remember feeling like it was one of the best articles I had written.   It's a little worse for time ("My Humps" jokes...and an article that is one massive "My Humps" joke...are pretty dated), but I think it's really good concept and execution of something entirely pop-culture based.

9. Hipster Ironic Since Age 14

During the summer between my freshman and sophomore year, I wrote a ton of Onion-style fake-news articles about Columbia, and I think almost all of them are some of my best stuff, probably because I had so long to edit and rearrange them.  Anyway, I published them at intervals throughout the year, and this was one of the later ones, I think.  A few people have called me on this article basically being a thinly-veiled parody of myself.  They're right.

8. Best of Times, Worst of Times in Manhattanville

This is another one of my Onion-style articles, and it was basically my attempt to do the darker satire that the Onion does with global issues with a local issue and people who think art has the purpose of changing the world.  I thought it came out well, if a little dependent on "hehehehe liberals get stoned."

7. Congrats, You're Fucked

This was actually the second article I ever wrote for The Fed, and I think it was one of the best.  I was a little annoyed with school and stuff at the time, I think (though I'm very happy here now thanks for asking!!!), and reading it now I think the rage channeled turned out to be definitely funny rage instead of just rage.  I couldn't have gone on writing all of my articles in that voice--that would have gotten old fast--but I'm glad I came in and hit one hard early on.  Actually, the idea of being tired of that angry voice (which is kind of a voice that comes through in The Fed in general and can get pretty grating when reading an entire issue) is the reason I decided to write a bunch of Onion-style articles.

OH!  One other thing.  I wrote a ton of points for this article, and cut a lot of them down, and there are a couple I still have somewhere because I really liked them even though I had to cut 'em (read the article first to get the idea):

FIGHT THE GOVERNMENT

Struggle to inform the citizenry about the government brainwashing them, then fail to notice the irony as you take many, many mind-altering drugs.

JOIN THE GOVERNMENT

Brainwash people.

6. Real Parties for Which You're Not Voting

I just like this one because it's tight.  Very basic, setups and punchlines, but the punchlines are good.

5. The Fed Interviews Jon Voight

Maybe it's cheating to include this, since most of the funny was brought by Jon Voight, but this was just absurdly entertaining to do.  Many thanks to Kareem Shaya, then editor-in-chief of finding out that Jon Voight was in town to be interviewed on WKCR, after which I swooped in and took him for 20-30 minutes or so, which was fun as hell, especially because I was, in retrospect, pretty ballsy and out-there with my questions (YEAH THAT'S RIGHT I'M COOL).

This was the first and probably last interview with a celebrity I've ever done. I'm pretty happy with it, since I got Jon Voight to say "I'm crazy about babies."  I have it recorded somewhere, too.

(Oh, and for the record, I didn't ask anything about Angelina because I was told not to.)

4. CU Football Confesses Losing Streak "Never Actually Ended"

I'm really happy with this one.  It's a little tought to take on something as tired of a concept as "Columbia's football team is bad" and make it funny, and I really think I did.  The development of the article is, I think, really solid...it just gets more and more absurd every paragraph, but still probably without providing you with some way you can refute it as truth.  Why isn't this one higher?  Oh, right, becuase I'm fucking hilarious and have written three articles even funnier.

3. Point-Counterpoint: My Roommate Keeps Having Sex in My Room While I'm There

Aping another Onion idea, that of fake point-counterpoints (especially the way that the first one is often relatively reasonable and realistic, and the second one totally impossible to actually end up in article form).  This one got reprinted in at least one orientation issue, so other Fed people apparently liked it, and that's good.  It's funny.  Roommate drama is funny.  I don't have much else to say about this.

2. What Goes On In My Head While I Get Paid to Pick Pine Needles Out of the Gravel At My Local Country Club

There are actually a lot of similarities between part two of that Point-Counterpoint article and this entire one.  I guess I just think that stream-of-consciousness is really funny.  This article probably got more personal compliments from other people than any other one did.  And yeah, it's real.  I thought this whole thing basically verbatim in a few minutes at work.

1. Fake Bwog

I put more time into this article than I have into any other I've written, and it shows.  Honestly, I'm so willing to openly brag about this.  Read everything on all the sidebars to see how much time I DID put into it.  There was a lot of attention to detail, and the Feddies who helped me with the look of the layout (mostly Russ and Arnold, if I recall correclty) are great.  It looks just like the Bwog, and I think it reads an awful lot like the Bwog, except you're supposed to laugh at everything ABOUT it instead of WITH it.

What can I say?  Mom was wrong: it's better laugh at people than with them.

Top 6 Things I've Learned in a Month of Having a Blog

I know we haven't actually been doing this for a month yet, but it just changed months or whatever you call that, and I've learned enough in August to fill three lifetimes (really short ones where the babies died like right as they were being born though).

6. You end up investing way more of yourself in it than you would like to admit

Honestly, blogs are really stupid, and I'm pretty stupid for having one.  But that doesn't change the fact that I spent a decent amount of idle time wondering what a good list to make soon might be, or doodling on my math notebook ideas for "Top 34 Gay Porn Movies Inspired by Classic Literature" (#3 Lord of the Guys, #2 The Gay Fatsby, #1 Moby Dick)

(Alternate #1 for that last one: Brave New World)

(Another alternate: Uncle Tom's Cabin Where He Rapes You)

5. A lot of blogging is giving shoutouts to other blogs

I discovered that in this post, and with that idea in mind, I would like to direct your attention toward Dregslist, where Alex W. and Jeff J. have been making sport of posting ridiculous things on Craigslist and collecting responses.  Sample bit of inspired brilliance: "Looking for Someone to Recite Pledge of Allegiance While I Masturbate."

4. Peter and I Do Each Other Sometimes

http://www.peterandrobdoeachothersometimes.blogspot.com

3. Producing this much content is a bitch

We're basically trying to write 6 lists a week, each of which is based in a more or less coherent comedic or cultural-criticism idea (or probably both), so we're pretty  much writing six articles a day for our own amusement.  Part of the reason I wanted to do this was to challenge myself to produce lots of content, but it's f'in hard.  And...

2. When I can't think of anything funny I usually just get angry

See pretty much everything with this tag.  A lot of my written sense of humor is pretty heavily influenced by Something Awful, which is one of the best comedy publications going right now, and it's all online.  SA is probably what influenced me to be as aggressive as I am sometimes, but I do think it can be a pretty major fallback and (ironically) very lazy.  This gives me even more appreciation for someone like Ryan North, who is consistently hilarious without really ever going on the offensive with anger/rage.

1. This is ours and not a ton of people read it so I can do whatever I want

Poop poop suede archipelago suicide poop

The Top 25 Things That Went Through My Head While Riding the Amtrak Train Home from NYC (With Minimal Commentary)

I wrote these in red pen in my little steno-pad while taking an Amtrak Acela across the great state of New York from NYC to Buffalo. After-the-fact commentary included!

25. Finally out of New York City, huh? Yeeee-ikes. Let's stretch those legs, huh? Feels good to be livin' free, out in the country.

Commentary: This is an emotion that only lasts so long. I guess you can't call yourself a New Yorker if you don't have those Oh-man-I-need-to-leave-this-rat-infested-island feelings every once in a while, but as that one LCD Soundsystem song says of New York, "You're still the one place where I'd happily drown." (PS: That video is ridiculous.)

24. New York is amazing! There are trees and lakes and I saw a golden eagle just now!

Commentary: I am pretty sure I was lying about the golden eagle. That's right, I am the kind of person who will lie to a steno-pad. (And also the kind of person who feels the need to come clean about his victimless lies on his blog.)

23. New York is big... and repetitive.

Commentary: Wow, don't hold back, guy.

22. I am getting tired of looking out the window. And sort of motion-sick.

21. But not because I am weak or anything! (But I should eat something.)

20. These cookies that Laksh gave me are awesome! Sugar cookies are better than I expected.

Commentary: They were seriously really good. They come from a secret bakery in Shaolin where people shoot each other over who gets the cookies--BECAUSE THEY ONLY BAKE SO MANY BATCHES PER DAY!

19. I don't know why I didn't expect much. I like sugar, I like cookies... what could go wrong?

Commentary: Um, a lot, if they're not baked properly or contain poisons. OBV.

18. WAIT. That's not actually a great metric (Good Thing A + Good Thing B = Better Thing C)... the perfect example is Coffee-flavored Vodka. That shit is a crusade against good taste.

Commentary: That's no lie. Alcoholic beverage manufacturers! Listen. Infusing things with other things is weird and shady. Plus, it kind of says, "Our actual product is maybe not that tasty, so we need to mix it with other tastier things for you to buy it." For shame, alcoholic beverage manufacturers!

17. Two people on this train are watching Unbreakable. Really? Two?

16. I'm not saying it's a bad movie, it's just... okay, I have this theory that there is a secret syndicate of folks who place this film high, high on a pedestal, above all others. To these people, I say... really?

Commentary: To be totally fair, it was on while I was home and I watched most of it. Sam Jackson gets on my nerves (not surprising), but Bruce Willis is pretty tight, which is not always the case.

15. Why are there no monsters in the woods?!

Commentary: To be totally fair, it would be totally sweet if you were on a train, and all of a sudden, there was Bigfoot.

14. The mile-high club is cool. The steel riders club is... unsanitary.

Commentary: I shudder to think what inspired me to write this.

13. Trains have the same effect on texting as alcohol.

Commentary: I think this means that I texted a lot of people while on the train... I think there's a confound here, though. It's not just that I was on a train, it's that I was bored. Boredom causes texting. Why am I analyzing this?

12. Everything on Amtrak either smells weird or strangely has no smell.

11. Madden 08: Cellphone Version is bullshit!

Commentary: Okay, this is totally true. On defense, all you have to do is set your players up in a goal-line stand situation ON EVERY PLAY. The quarterback AI is so shitty that he will always get sacked. Then, on offense, one out of every four hail mary's will end up in a touchdown. (Either that or run a fake field goal. Gets 'em every time.) Okay, so I expect a lot out of 16-bit graphics that cost me 6 bucks.

10. Train bread is clearly rubberized, somehow.

Commentary: No argument there.

9. Train coffee is clearly cocaine-ized, somehow!!!

Commentary: No comment there.

8. Five dollars for a Jack and Coke is... reasonable?

Commentary: Well, yeah, when you live in New York and it costs $7 for a watered-down V&T.

7. Some of my friends in Buffalo are getting married... I have opinions about this!

Commentary: It takes a turn for the worse here. It's not the drink, it's just that when you're on Amtrak for seven hours or so, you get a little delirious.

6. Maybe... I don't want to get married?

Commentary: I think marriage is a really wonderful thing when it's done right. Same as divorce.

5. No, no. Maybe I really do.

4. Or maybe I just want one shining knight of a child.

3. Or a whole baseball team!

2. Remember in Little Big League when that kid owned a baseball team?

Commentary: It's a phenomenal movie. Plus, they lose in the end! How's that for turning the cookie-cutter genre formula on its head. (Although, it's the Twins losing, so... that's sad.)

1. Oh, cool... we're here.

Commentary: All in all, I'd say it was a pretty productive trip! 

Top 6 Screenplays I Wish I Had Written

6. The Naked Gun

As fare as pure great jokes-per-minute, The Naked Gun is certainly in contention for greatest comedy ever made. I know that it's boring and obvious to bash the recent rash of "X Movie" comedies (the most recent of which, Disaster Movie, SURE LOOKS LIKE ONE HUH???), but if you really want to see how to do spoof right, look at The Naked Gun. When it does direct parody of other detective/spy movies, like it does of Telefon and Casablanca (not really a spy movie but whatever), it actually just lifts direct plot elements from those and puts them in the movie. See, Disaster Movie? It's funny because it emphasizes what's ridiculous about the original movies by restating those lines in a context where you're supposed to laugh. Juno breakdancing does not emphasize what is ridiculous about the movie Juno, which is plenty of stuff. Anyway, this movie has more specific gags that make me go "LORD I wish I had thought of that" than perhaps any other film.

5. Hot Fuzz

As this and #2 elucidate (no peeking!!!), I strongly believe that an underutilized genre combination is the action-comedy. Hot Fuzz is great because it is both a good comedy and a good action movie, and it doesn't make any sacrifices of one towards the other. Often times, even at a good action movie that isn't as much of a comedy (like, say Die Hard), you'll find yourself laughing in a sort of "this is ludicrous and I approve" way, so why not take that a step further and make a true comedy out of it? One thing I really like about Hot Fuzz is that for the significant amount of genre-parody they do, they never are insulting towards the action genre; they never condescend to the audience as to tell them they shouldn't be enjoying the somewhat mindless action parts of this movie for the sake of getting a cheap laugh.

Anyway, yeah, I love Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright and company, and I think this movie absolutely destroyed Shaun of the Dead (which I really liked) in all areas. This is maybe the only movie I have ever seen in theaters, and afterwards thought, "Well, maybe I shouldn't even try to go into the entertainment industry, because these guys are basically already doing what I would want to do, and really well."

4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Boy, is this a well-written movie. It uses a backwards-told narrative, but does not at all feel derivative of Memento? It involves extended trips into the head of one character, but doesn't feel like rehashed ideas from Kaufman's earlier Being John Malkovich? It's about a technological procedure to erase the memories of someone with whom you've had a bad romantic relationship? Sign me the fuck up (NOT FOR THE PROCEDURE GUYS FOR THE LIST TO WATCH THIS MOVIE).

Really, Kaufman makes every scene in this movie count doubly. Watch the movie again and notice how basically everything comedic also has a dramatic purpose, and vice versa. It's a pretty tight movie, too (about 1:45) for all that it does. And wow, I'm not sure if I've ever really genuinely cared about a romantic relationship ending well in a movie as much as I did about Carrey's and Winslet's at the end of this. This movie is imaginitive in all the good ways without ending up having the pretension of other "extremely creative mind" movies. It's got something to say, but it tells you through fidelity to the characters and concept.

3. The Big Lebowski

When I was planning this list out a little bit ago, I was very seriously considering leaving the Coen Brothers off it entirely. Not because I don't wish I could write as well as they do--obviously, I do--more because I think of them as seriously on a different plane as me and most other people, such that it's almost insulting to them to imagine that I wish I had written one of their movies.

I know this sounds like near-religious idolatry, but yeah, I have near-religious idolatry for the Coen Brothers. Once I have seen the four of their twelve movies I still haven't seen (really, 8/12 seems like a pretty lame record for someone who considers themselves as big of a fan as I am), I'll do a list of their best movies, and I'm pretty sure Lebowski will be number one.

What I mean when I say that I don't think I could have written one of their movies is I tend to be a pretty formulaic writer, questioning myself pretty hard if beats or plotlines don't go in the "traditional" place. The Coen Brothers somehow both flaunt convention and make movies that are entertaining in the most classic way imaginable. Lebowski is basically a shaggy-dog story, where a man is being battered around by both his friends and enemies, taking very little initiative for himself, and just trying to get by.

So...why is Jesus in the movie? I don't fucking know. And what's the deal with the specific choices made in the acid flashback scenes, like Sadaam Hussein? I don't fucking know. And why does the film work as one of the greatest adventure/mysteries ever created? I don't fucking know.

It helps that the Coens have about the best ear for dialogue and the best sense of visual comedy of anyone ever making movies, but it's probably something more than that, something that I just haven't got. I watched this movie today, and god DAMN it is so good, and now I'm depressing myself becuase I'm not a fucking prodigy like the Coen Brothers are and will never create anything this amazing.

Also the best character is Walter and if you disagree you suck.

2. True Lies

By contrast, I feel somewhat more secure in imagining that maybe I could be able to write True Lies or something similar and good like it someday. It doesn't hurt that probably relatively few people think that True Lies is a brilliant piece of film the way that people think that Coen Brothers movies are, but also...in True Lies you can see the seams better.

True Lies is basically an action farce. That's how I describe it to people who haven't seen it in order to sell them on it. You have Arnold Schwarzenegger (God is he fun to watch, I don't care what anyone thinks about his acting ability) as a governmental secret agent whose wife (Jamie Lee Curtis) doesn't know about his real job, so when he suspects her of having an affair, she doesn't know that he's surveying her. Needless to say, the entire thing goes WAY out of hand, and both hilarity and tag-team husband-and-wife ass-kicking commences.

The REALLY great thing about True Lies's comedy, even better than Hot Fuzz, is that it never even attempts references to action movies. It's just a really great farce comedy that happens to center on people who live action-filled lives, so there is action as well, and farce, and fucking farcical action. If you can watch this movie without smiling your ass off and laughing the whole time, there is something wrong with you.

1. Dr. Strangelove

Well, yeah. It had to be. As some people may recall from this list, I'm a big sucker for well put-together satire, probably more so than I am for any other subgenre. Dr. Strangelove is terrifying because all of the awful and hilarious things that go on seem way too plausible. It's really a very broad movie, but it manages to be both over-the-top and relatably poignant.

Once I read someone try to make the claim that Dr. Strangelove isn't relevant anymore. Not relevant anymore? You've got to be fucking kidding. Replace communism with Islamic fundamentalism, and this movie could probably be retooled and remade today, and it'd be the most relevant political satire currently being produced.

I might go so far as to say that my TWO favorite all-time scenes from any movie are both in Dr. Strangelove, the Muffley phone call to Kissoff (PETER WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT MERKIN MUFFLEY ON YOUR LIST OF FICTIONAL PRESIDENTS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH), and the Mandrake/Jack Ripper conversation about flouridation and purity of bodily fluids. Both of those are extremely good situational humor on their own, then made a thousand times as hilarious by both what hangs in the balance and the knowledge that there truly are people that stupid and loony in real life. God, this movie is good.

Top 15 Cards to Play

I owe this list, in concept and partially in content, to Lakshmi... you guys, this girl is clever. And I know that's a word people use in a sort of pejorative manner, but I don't mean it that way. I think cleverness is a great pastime! Possibly, the American Pastime? No, that is baseball.

15. Blockbuster card

With the advent of Netflix, this is basically irrelevant and I barely know why I included it at all. I guess it just reminds me of simpler times when my mom and I would go rent Mr. Mom over and over and over again. Michael Keaton + kids + renegade household appliances = WACKY!

14. The Arizona Cardinals

The Cardinals went a modest 8 and 8 last year, but no one outside of Arizona really noticed. They're going to start Kurt Warner at quarterback this year, which is unfortunate. It was cool in 1999 when Kurt Warner came out of nowhere to lead the Rams to the Super Bowl, but wasn't he like, already old back then? I predict a 5-11 finish this year, and that once again, no one outside of Arizona will notice.

13. Hallmark card

A fun (but also intolerant?) thing to do is to give special occasion Hallmark cards for birthdays. I like giving Bat Mitzvah cards to boys/men on their birthdays, because a) they are not girls and b) they are not participating in a Jewish rite of passage. See, it's funny on TWO levels!

12. Postcard (from Maine)

Preferably from Acadia National Park, created by Woodrow Wilson in 1916. Acadia National Park is located primarily on Mount Desert Island, Maine... which is probably the coolest name for either a mountain, a desert, or an island. Also, on the subject of postcard, I find them to be a very smug form of communique. If you really wished that I was here (or there, as it were) so

 badly, couldn't you just charter a goddamn jet? Jesus. Show a little initiative.

11. Wildcard

This guy... you don't know where he's coming from! He's cocky, he's inexperienced, maybe he has a wife, maybe he has a ferret--YOU DON'T KNOW. He's probably the demolitions expert on your heist team, and halfway through the movie, it looks like he's gonna double cross you, but then, in the closing minutes, it turns out he was A-OK all the while. BUT MAYBE IN THE SEQUEL HE WILL SCREW YOU?!!?!

10. Ace (in or out of hole)

Lots of great things are referred to as aces: tennis serves, star pitchers... there's even a Motorhead song about the Ace of Spades. Well, it's called the Ace of Spades; I don't think anyone really knows what it's about. But... then, there's that pesky debate about whether an ace is the highest or the lowest card. I guess it's a contextual thing, like whether or not you can make fun of foreigners at a party. If it's a Congratulations For Getting Your Citizenship party, then probably not.

9. American Express Centurion Card

I hear these things are like, a real status symbol or something. I think the reason that I'm unclear on this is because I have very little status. Well, whatever. Centurion is a neat word.

8. Library card

These things really exist! Do you ever forget that? What a silly joke of a card, I know, but the more I think about it, it's such a great idea! A little white and blue piece of laminated paper with your name on it that allows you to take books out of a big building for a certain amount of time. HAH! Ridiculous! If you don't have one, you can't take books out of that building! (You guys, I don't know why I am for something suddenly amused by libraries. My mom is a librarian, for crying out loud!)

7. Rookie card

When I was a little guy, my way of expressing adoration for an athlete was by screechily proclaiming, "I have his rookie card!!!" Um, I still do this, actually. Like, for real people who aren't athletes. For instance, if I was at a party and someone asked, "Hey, do you know Dan Erickson?" I'd go, "Yeah! I have his rookie card!!!"... even though he's never had his image printed on a trading card! I'm so full of lies, you guys.

6. Race card

I think it's a great idea to equate the race issue to a trump card, specifically because it reminds me of Rob Trump, the fella I write this list-blog with. He's a great guy, and he rarely plays the race card. In fact, the only cards that I know for a fact he plays are Magic cards. OH MAN. You guys. What if the way to counteract the race card was by playing a Magic card--but by that I mean a card that is ACTUALLY magic. Whoa.

5. Gender card

Played it!

4. Red card

This card is a badass, no? It is a piece of paper that says you have to go sit down and stop running around, but it doesn't even have words on it--JUST COLOR. That's pretty intense. Also, it's much cooler than the yellow card, mainly because red is such a more aesthetically pleasing color than yellow. (Although I still maintain that it's overrated.)

3. Uno

Lakshmi berated me pretty harshly for not making this the number one card to play. I understand the joke--one card left, you have to say Uno, etc.-- but I've always had problems with this game. It just seems... so arbitrary. And European. I know, I know, if I think I could make a better card game, I should just do that, but you guys, it is harder than it sounds and I lose things very easily. I have very fond memories of Uno, to be honest... they just aren't recent ones.

2. The Jack of Hearts

The reason this guy is so high on my list is that the Dylan song "Lily, Rosemary, and the Jack of Hearts" is so integral to my upbringing. It's about this cat the Jack of Hearts who shows up in Town to rob the bank--but also the love of Lily, the fairest girl at the cabaret? Of course, Lily is sleeping with Big Jim, the wealthiest guy in town, and his wife Rosemary is none-too-pleased with that little turn of events. ANYWAY. The eminent music critic Herman O'Wikipedia claims that there is an interesting debate as to whether or not the song is about criminal facades that hide romantic motives OR romantic facades that hide criminal motives. NICE! It also has my dad's favorite line in any song ever: "The only person on the scene missing was the Jack of Hearts."

1. "Race card" card

Hahahahahah, oh my friends. Sometimes I delight in my own jokes. But seriously, it is ridiculous when someone makes bigoted or racist statements and then uses the phrase "race card" to gloss things over. Oh, man... we ended on a downer! Um? Football starts next week. Go Vikings!