Top 6 Things that are Great about the California DMV

The Department of Motor Vehicles in most states really takes it on the chin. It's a place that gets stereotyped as a bureaucratic nightmare with impersonal employees and inefficient processing. But when I made my visit to the California DMV today (to register a vehicle in-state and get an in-state license), I instead found it delightful! Here's why:

6. The employees were all charming and helpful

They didn't just want to collect a paycheck and go home--they wanted to help the people there. They kindly presented all of the people waiting with literature in all possible languages, not only the common ones like English and Spanish, but rarer ones, like Tagalog, Esperanto, and that language from the Isle of Man for which there is only one living speaker. They spoke calmly and encouragingly, and they even waived a fee when my card didn't work!

5. The forms were straightforward and streamlined

I only had to fill in the basic information of my name, address, and SSN once--their computers transferred it from the first form onto all the rest! Also, at the touch of a button, the employees brought up all my past motor vehicle and automobile histories. At the touch of another button, they brought up a CGI rendering of my mother's face telling me that I was a wonderful son. Thanks, DMV!

4. The lines were nonexistent

I was the only person there. When other person showed up, he was immediately teleported to one of the other DMV locations that was empty so that he wouldn't have to wait for me.

3. They took a great picture of me for my license

It looked so nice because first they gave me free plastic surgery to make me look more beautiful. I am now 1000x sexier than I was previously (and let's be serious, I was pretty sexy before) and I've got the license picture to prove it!

2. The drivers' test was completely sensible and weighted questions reasonably

Thankfully, basic and useful driving knowledge was weighted as more important than insane trivia like, "How much would you be fined if you dumped an animal out of your car on the freeway?" When I saw that latter question, I was at first worried, because I thought that I would be judged as a driver on whether I knew the dumbest most fucking worthless numerical factoid imaginable. But of course, common sense and the power of the DMV prevailed, and that wasn't the case!

1. I got free fireworks with my new license, nine hot girls there asked me for my phone number, and my three wishes were granted by the DMV genie.

Yeah okay the DMV is a shithole.