OSCAR LIVE BLOG! YOU KNOW IT, SUCKA!

11:53pm - Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire. The absolutely right choice. Great! Great Oscars. Couldn't be happier. (Spoiler alert: Meh, I probably could...)

11:47pm - HOLY SHIT! Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke are brothers!?

11:42pm - And the gays are cheering in Hell's Kitchen! I'm totally onboard with this selection. Rourke was phenomenal, but Sean Penn was Harvey Milk. Actor: Sean Penn, Milk.

11:37pm - Sweet A-Team music... there goes my next joke. Also, this blog post may be longer than the actual telecast. My dad is probably in need of freak-out control for the love Adrien Brody is throwing at Richard Jenkins.

11:35pm - We's officially over time. Young David Niven looked kinda like Current Hugh Jackman.

11:32pm - The Eiffel Tower is sending so much love to Kate Winslet. "Why hasn't Winslet won one", no more. Somewhere, Ricky Gervais is smiling. Who are we kidding, he's always smiling. Fucker. (Kidding.) Actress: Kate Winslet, The Reader.

11:30pm - Presenting Meryl Streep... Medusa.

11:28pm - Yo, I'm sooo tired. (The Reader = funniest movie evvvver.) Marion Cotillard is an alien...

11:20pm - Best Director: Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire. Danny is right, the show has been bloody good to look at. He has the happiest face and the spikiest hair. Also, I think he thanked me.

11:18pm - Reese Witherspoon apparently assumes that "the people at home" don't know what a director is. I gotta go with Danny Boyle on this one, but Gus Van Sant is equally deserving. (It's a shame Aronofsky wasn't nominated.)

11:17pm - Death is sad, sadder still with Queen Latifah singing behind it.

11:08pm - Another upset... Caitlin is telling me that I won, because The Departed just won best Foreign Language film. She is mistaken/drunk. Foreign Language Film: Departures.

11:04pm - Wow. I totally thought Peter Gabriel was all over that... well. So much for that indie-letdown. Original Song: "Jai Ho", A.R. Rahman.

11:02pm: This is all really wonderful, but I would have killed to have seen how they worked Bruce Springsteen into this.

11:01pm: Hi, I'm John Legend, I'll be your Peter Gabriel tonight.

10:57pm - SWIFFER CONTINUES!!! Original Score: A.R. Rahman... and then he gets to do his best MIA impression. PS, MIA congrats on your baby!

10:55pm - Caitlin just did a beautiful interpretive dance during the original score selections. Tom burned himself trying to pop a kernel with a lighter.

10:46pm - Wow, that was a pretty tight speech.

10:45pm - Are they playing "Wonderwall" over this Jerry Lewis montage?

10:41pm - Oh great. Now we get to listen to Jerry Lewis talk for a while.

10:39pm - Caitlin wants you to follow this chain of thoughts... Slumdog Sweep -> Slumdog Swiffer -> Swiffers in general -> "Baby, come back!" I get it... I think.

10:34pm - Editing: Slumdog SWEEEEEP.

10:31pm - Sound Mixing: Slumdog Yay!

10:29 - Sound Editing: The Dark Knight. Eh... fair. I woulda picked Slumdog. Whatevs.

10:28pm - Visual Effects: Benny Buttons. Honestly, no one would have seen it if that's what it was called.

10:25pm - Ah, Mr. Will Smith. Do action movies really need more respect? I actually think Iron Man and Dark Knight are pretty well-respected, blood. Just 'cause they didn't get Oscars... oh, wait. That was kinda bullshit.

10:17pm - Well, Jackman promised us more show and less biz. I'd say they're pretty much delivering. Documentary Short: Smile Pinki.

10:16pm - Documentary Feature: Man on Wire. SWEET MAGIC TRICK, DUDE WHO WALKS ON HIGH-WIRES!

10:15pm - HERZOOOOOOOOG!

10:08pm - To Heath. Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight.

10:06pm - WHOOOOOA. Michael Shannon looks crazily like Walken.

10:04pm - Alan Arkin basically just said, "I'm Alan Arkin and I don't need to know people's names." Seymour Philip Hoffman... heheh. Two first names, y'all.

9:57pm - The musical, apparently, is back.

9:52pm - Call answered. America is getting gayer by the second. BEYONCE ALERT. (Caitlin hit her head on the wall when Ms. Knowles showed up.) Tom and Caitlin are now hyperventilating... this is a good time for me to note that the Wild beat the Blackhawks 2-1 tonight.

9:50pm - There has been a call for more dance numbers.

9:46pm - Excellent Comedy montage. And Janusz Kaminski is a comedy-genius. ("Suck on that, Anthony Dod Mantle!") James Franco thinks Toyland's German name is hilarious, apparently. Live Short: Toyland. I am always partial to films from and about Germany.

9:39pm - Jessica Biel (who is not Jessica Alba, as originally posted) luvs Tom Edison 4ever. (Two days later edit! Thanks Charlotte, you're absolutely right. And Jessica Alba is way cooler than JBiel.)

9:35pm - Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire. Brief Slumdog v. Dark Knight squabble in the apartment. I am soundly backing Slumdog on this. There were some crazy shots in Dark Knight, but Anthony Dod Mantle is loooooong deserving. Seriously, Millions, 28 Days Later, Last King of Scotland... that's a solid resume.

9:32pm - We were due for a Joaquin Phoenix joke. Way to go, Ben Stiller. Also, way to go, whatever writer came up with "Hasidic meth lab". Also, way to go, Greta Gerwig.

9:28pm - Nice Romance montage. This whole Oscars-video-yearbook thing is a nice way to get movies like Forgetting Sarah Marshall a tiny slice of Oscar pie. (Um, and the same goes for Marley and Me, I guess.)

9:23pm - Seriously great year for Makeup. Not sure why The Reader wasn't nominated. Makeup: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. SOLID. New Orleans says your welcome. (I don't actually speak for New Orleans.) Tom needs freakout control because that angular pale dude from Twilight is talking.

9:19pm - Wow, this section is draaaaagging. Costume Design: The Duchess. Laksh says this film was great, and I believe her implicitly. Costume Design always goes to the film with the most dresses.

9:16pm - Art Direction: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I'm actually very down with this. I enjoyed the second two hours of this movie. (I was eating a sandwich at Lenny's during the first hour.) Tom thinks Marley and Me was snubbed.

9:10pm - Animated Short: The one about an old man with cubes. Caitlin and I have noted that there is always an animated short about an old man collecting small things. PS, the dude who accepted ACTUALLY made a "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto" joke.

9:06pm - Animated Feature: Wall-E. Yeah! (To be fair, the fact that Jack Black was presenting was a pretty good sign that Kung Fu Panda wasn't going to win.)

9:03pm - Janniston and Jables are dronk. Caitlin claims that the cockroach at the end of the Animated Feature montage was a reference to the insignificance of all of this.

9:01pm - FIRST SLUMDOG WIN OF THE NIGHT!!! Adapted Screenplay: Simon Beaufoy, Slumdog Millionaire. I wanna read the book. Mr. Beaufoy is very grateful for the opportunity to have learned about India.

8:58pm - Great speech from Dustin Lance Black. Here's hoping.

8:56pm - In the words of Tom, SCORE ONE FOR THE GAYS! Original Screenplay: Dustin Lance Black, Milk. Totally deserving.

8:53pm - Tina Fey/Steve Martin bit. Sean Penn loved that joke about aliens and made up religions. SUCK IT, SCIENTOLOGY.

8:47pm - Supporting Actress: Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona... wait, wait, wait; Woody Allen writes great characters for women? If your idea of a woman is a thing with breasts that talks exactly like Woody Allen. Eh. Boring choice.

8:46pm - Sweet Sister Act ref, Whoopi. Also, this format is going to make the night last forever.

8:45pm - BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS ROBO-TEAM ACTIVATE!!!

8:42pm - Shitty curtain work, nerdos.

8:39pm - Oh, hey, James Franco... looks like you're not studying in Butler Library tonight.

8:38pm - I will see Wolverine solely based on that opening.

8:35pm - Billy Crystal, eat your heart out. This opening is fantastic. (Anne Hathaway has a voice.) Billy Crystal, actually, though... please don't eat your own heart.

8:33pm - Milk-by-way-of-The-Music-Man... nice.

8:32pm - Hugh Jackman, you know that Australia wasn't good, right? Sweet DIY set, btw.

8:31pm - Apartment is full of gays. Hugh Jackman is on stage. Apartment is now full of wah's and oh's.

8:24pm - Now Tim Gunn is making a move on Marisa Tomei's pleating. Also, that Jack Black by-the-bar interview was a train crashing into a plane crashing into the sun. Also, Seth Rogen believes that Jerry Lewis is some sort of eternal.

8:22pm - Robin Roberts, maybe don't be a dick to Richard Jenkins? "People will be more familiar with your work now?" Eh... mean.

8:21pm - Meryl Streep alert. Also, Tim Gunn has a friggin' huge crush on Penelope Cruz.

8:20pm - The PriceWaterhouseCooper accountant dudes are tole dating.

8:18pm - Caitlin thinks that the cartoon bee from the Nasonex commercials is probably voiced by a "nice guy", who'd be "interested to talk to you".

8:17pm - Guest of the Eiffel Tower Matt (also known as Lord Matthew) gets in the first contender for Comment of the Night: "Miley Cyrus looks like a cartoon beaver."

8:14pm - Viola Davis is absolutely adamant that her stress tabs are homeopathic. The girl does NOT pop pills. Only weird, herbal shit.

8:12pm - Weird Zac-Efron-to-Dev-Patel backhanded compliment. Vanessa Hutchens is not sure if Meryl Streep is there? Wow. WOW.

8:11pm - Mickey Rourke's love for his dog Loki is actually heart-breaking. Apparently only for me though, as Tom and Caitlin shit all over it. Wipe your asses, guys. I have to live here.

8:10pm - WHY ARE NONE OF THE SLUMDOG KIDS NOMINATED!!! Also, Dev Patel and Freida Pinto win cutest couple by default.

8:09pm - Obligatory Cher/Bjork fuck-you! "Obligatory" Valentino nice-job? Hahah, none of these people have first names.

8:04pm - Taraji P. Henson, you's adorable. I gotta slow this down, PS. There's like, a billion hours left.

8:03pm - It is apparently not funny that Amy Adams is competing against topless stripper Marissa Tomei. PS: Matthew Broderick forgot how to talk.

8:02pm - Josh Brolin is in a daze. Diane Lane is in a fox suit... that is to say, she is a fox. (Her dress was nice, too. Tim Gunn is explaining why.)

8:00pm - This is ON. Tim Gunn and Robin Roberts are in full effect on the red carpet. Tom thinks Kate Winslet needs work on her eyes. The night is off to a snarky start! (Tom, you need some work on your HEART.)

ELECTION LIVEBLOG LIST! RIGHT? TIGHT!!!

6:52 PM: Question - Is it on? Answer - IT IS ON. Brief realization about the remaining eleven presidents I have to write blurbs for... this might not happen. Watching CNN. James Carville looks more Skeletor-ish than usual. Love him even more for it. Waiting for Frank to show so I can ship off to the BK.

6:54 PM: Frank's on the way! Indiana is tight! Liveblogging is hard! Caitlin is talking about the time this summer than her baby toe fell off! Jordy is endorsing Keith Olbermann as the hottest! Erin is trying to think of that one Geena Davis movie!

6:56 PM: TOOOOOOOOOOOOOBIN! J-Toobs gives props to Obama's money game, Gerg's reps the ground game. None of this is news. Translation: there is no news yet.

7:01 PM: CNN calls Vermont for Obams. We have a mini-dance party to George Michael's "Faith" in celebration.

7:09 PM: Hells yeah, Mark Warner. Although please never, never, never give a the keynote speech for the DNC again. Your weird, semi-autistic diatribe about cellphones? Yeah, that didn't make you the next Barack Obama.

ALSO!

Next president!

33. Harry S. Truman

Hey, Andrew Johnson. This is how you follow up a hugely successful president who dies in office. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He dropped two atomic bombs on Japan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't have a middle name. GUESS THE HECK WHAT. Tru coined such phrases "the buck stops here" and "if you can't stand the heat, you better get out of the kitchen"... that's what you need in a president. Plus, he was the 9th inning rally personified--Dewey defeats Truman? Pshaw! Note to John McCain--DON'T. Just. Don't.

7:16 PM: WHAT. Wolf Blitzer just beamed in Jessica Yellin, hologram-style. Help me, Jessica Yellin, you're our only hope.

7:17 PM: Yellin makes Leia joke. Blitzer lauds the "intimate" nature of their exchange. This got strangely cyber-sexual.

7:18 PM: This is pure absurdity and I don't care for any bit of it.

7:24 PM: I GOTTA GO TO BROOKLYN!!!

8:28 PM: Y'all, I am currently in Brooklyn, that hotbed of Democracy. Wolfie is talking to Axelrod, and the Rod looks confident. I bought a bottle of Heaven Hill and am claiming I am dressed as a Bourbon Democrat. Sweet ref!

8:31 PM: New Hampshire is called! Post-graduates deliver! Memo to Soledad O'Brien--heaven is missing an erudite angel! Dance Party!!!

8:35 PM: How fun is it to say "Shaheen"? Answer: THE FUNNEST. Way to win Manchester County, Jean... according to CNN, "that's where the people live."

8:40 PM: A guy on Telemundo on a show called "Destino!: Noche del Elecciones" just called the election for Edward James Olmos. Also, I don't speak Spanish.

8:44 PM: Was just speaking to my friend Julia about how good it feels to actually pull the lever in the voting booth? I gotta admit--it's a terrific feeling. Kind of like thrusting a spear into the heart of sadness. What? Bias? NO! NEVER! Seriously, though... I full-on Marv-Albert fist-pumped when I voted.

8:50 PM: Took a break to watch the kids from Ron Clark Academy get their election/TI on. Still heart-warming. Looked up and saw Gergen monologuing... in the background, Carville was on his cell. CLEARLY SAYING HI TO HIS REPUBLICAN BOO. You know what's hot? Reaching across party lines... to touch someone... sexually.

8:54 PM: Turned to FOX News so we could say "Fuck you!" to FOX News. Turned to BET. Be Heard is on. "Women of the hip hop generation" are at risk apparently.

8:57 PM: EISENHOWER UPDATE!

34. Dwight D. Eisenhower

FACT. After winning the war and before winning the election, Ike was president of a little something called Columbia University. I like to think that he and I have thrown up on a few of the same street corners.

9:03 PM: A bunch of projections in on CNN. New York, Michigan, Minnesota, and Wisconsin all called for our boy. I helped you guys! (Also, clearly all of the Minnesota Vikings and Minnesota Wild voted for Obams. PS: BIG game tonight for the Wild against the Sharks.)

9:05 PM: Senate lookin' good for the Dems... 51-33 at this point! Anderson says Louisiana is the best chance for a pick-up, the big Tom Wilkinson-lookin' fella says nay on the Bradley Effect, the country has grown up, and race relations are A-okay. Um, we won, guys!? (That is the second Tom Wilkinson reference on this blog in as many days.)

9:08 PM: WHOA WHOA WHOA HOLD UP PROGRESSIVISM (AND CHAMPAGNE). D-Gergs says that prejudice is alive and well in the US. Well, shit, guys.

9:10 PM: Hey, does anyone want to watch Maverick starring Mel Gibson and Holly Hunter? No? Okay. (Next day note: You're right, Frank... I meant Jodie Foster.)

9:13 PM: Georgia called for McCain. Anti-dance party. We are sitting around and glaring. Frank wants to draw a mustache on that smirking McCain photo CNN has. Good news, though. Big O ahead by 4% in Florida with 50% reporting. Frank is beaming. Momentarily.

9:15 PM: REFILL! (Also, if anyone wants to write my JFK blurb, go ahead. How can I say anything new/interesting about our best-looking president ever?)

9:19 PM: According to QVC, the customer has won the election! You heard it hear first (or, second, I guess...), folks... you won. If you bought something on QVC.

9:28 PM: Pat brought out some sick cheese. Sam Donaldson looks more and more like Sam the Eagle.

9:29 PM: OHIO! What's high in the middle and an orgasm on either side? OHIO! (BTW: Dear Cleveland Browns, PLAY BRADY QUINN, YOU WILL MAKE MIKE MOLINA SO HAPPY. LOVE, A CONCERNED RUST BELTER.)

9:35 PM: "No Republican has ever lost Ohio and won" is the political equivalent of football's "Defense wins championships", but I don't give a damn. We are high in Park Slope, my friends. Candy Crowley calls it a bigger loss for McCain than a win for Obama. WHATEVS, CANDY. I'm psyched.

9:38 PM: Dana Bash has gotten no less reptilian. We are no less excited. This is Matt Santos-level furor.

9:42 PM: Anyone bummed about Mitch McConnell winning Kentucky? Um, well, obviously. But I'm not going to stress for now. The brie is too good.

9:52 PM: Tom Wilkinson invokes the Perfect Storm! BET just made me sort of cry (well, the head of the SCLC did...)! Here in Park Slope, we discuss whether or not there are Republicans we love. Here in my head, I wonder if the American political landscape is changing in parallel to the NFL. Obama's groundgame = the trick-play-prone Wildcat offense?

9:59 PM: We're switching over to Stewart/Colbert coverage. Because we are patriots. We just caught the tail end of South Park. We were just reminded why South Park is no longer a viable source of cable satire.

10:07 PM: Colbert has a cockatoo on his shoulder. Stewart throws McCain into the back of a Jersey Oldsmobile. Anderson Cooper wants to talk fiscal responsibility. Pat wants more wine. 538 is calling it. Pinstripe Guy on CNN is writing a post-mortem on the previous 8 years. This is the best night since that time the Twins won the World Series. (Al Franken = Jack Morris?)

10:11 PM: NBC calls Iowa for Bobamack. (That was a thing I just made up. I'm trying it out. It's not working for me. I'l be honest.) Why does tomorrow feel like Sunday? It isn't! There is no football tomorrow, only joy. Buckets and bucket of joy. And blankets.

10:13 PM: Hey, remember Sarah Palin? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

10:18 PM: Arizona yet to be called. WACKY. Jon Oliver says "shit" live on Comedy Central. PUERILE. Frank is taking responsibility for the Democratic turnout in Florida. Soledad O'Brien can take credit for all of my affection.

10:21 PM: Aged Aaron Eckhart impersonator on CNN with a touch map says that the Republicans are no longer a nationally viable party. Yike. Colbert makes a Mike Vick joke... didn't land too well, bro. PERHAPS YOUR AUDIENCE BE FULL OF DOGS, YO.

10:26 PM: Steve Forbes' advice to McCain: be nice to Ms. McCain, read Forbes Magazine. Steve, stop being old and cute.

10:27 PM: By the way. Do you really expect me to say something cogent about JFK?

35. John F. Kennedy

Do you remember that scene in The Rat Pack where all the Rat Packers are screwing around with babes, including JFK and Marilyn Monroe... then they cut to Dino drinking a glass of milk. Anyway. That's all I need to know. By the way, I will never forget the moment in 9th Grade History when Mr. Zygaj told us about the day he gave up on politics. He'd spent two years campaigning for Bobby and then Sirhan Sirhan said hi to him with a bullet at the Ambassador Hotel. I'll never forget that. Hope is fragile.

10:33 PM: Stewart/Colbert discuss the Bradley Effect. Make Milton Bradley joke. Former Indians centerfielder Milton Bradley has no comment.

10:47 PM: I had to find some Red Stripe. Charles Ogletree says that racism isn't over. DAMMIT.

36. Lyndon B. Johnson

Man, his Great Society was great, right? I remember catching a lot of shit in AP Government for my blind support of LBJ. Then again, it was pretty blind. (It was also mostly based upon a story in which someone asked him what his foreign policy was and then his whipped his presidential donger out onto the table and that, "There it is, dudes.") Also, Ladybird Johnson--neither a lady or a bird. Little known fact.

10:50 PM: Fox is calling Virginia. Fox is the ONLY network calling Virginia. This is either awesome, hilarious, or something else. Stewart/Colbert just made hilarious Ellen Cleghorne and Tyler Perry jokes within a span of three seconds.

10:54 PM: Pat just noticed that I was live-blogging. Frank is enamored of the new Dodge Ram. I am humming "Mr. November" in my head. I am fearing the up-coming Nixon blurb.

10:57 PM: Colbert blames the plumbers and the hockey dads. The Wild are up 1-0. No single parent hockey families to be found there, bucko. Just a whole bunch of proud hockey Dems. (I MADE THAT UP JUST NOW, PEOPLE.)

11:00 PM: The eleventh hour! (Well, the 23rd, really...) Julia wants Virginia! Frank wants Florida! Colbert has feelings! I have seven presidents left to blurb!

11:01 PM: Comedy Central calls it for Obama. (Well, NBC and CNN did too, but fuck that.) Spontaneous Yes, We Can chant. Pat's sinuses cleared. Rami's on the phone to Frank. 297, baby! Julia is running for the champagne. I'm tearing up. This is good times.

11:04 PM: The champagne is aged 8 years. That's right, kids. It's pre-Bush champagne. He won't fuck us over, he's Mr. November.

11:21 PM: Watching the concession, after a teary, joyous Mom/Dad phone conversation. The Times headline says it all: "OBAMA: Racial Barrier Falls in Heavy Turnout".

11:30 PM: Tight, gracious concession speech. We won McCain back too! (McCain = Denethor? Back me up, nerds!) (Next day note: I think I meant Theoden... like when he's all gross and crippled and controlled by Saruman.)

11:31 PM: And Chris has the quote of the night: "It's like America has won the World Series."