Top One President that Would've Been Aborted by Richard Nixon

1. Barack Obama

From the linked article:

“There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white,” he told an aide, before adding, “Or a rape.”

Seriously, Millie Nix? (That is what I am calling Richard Milhous Nixon from now on, by the way.) Like, seriously? Now, I'm not claiming never to have said something that seems prettybigoted in retrospect--most people have, I think--but implying that a black man consensually impregnating a white woman (or white man/black woman) is as bad as or worse than a white man raping a white woman? SERIOUSLY?

SPECIAL NOTE: I declined to include the possible second member of this list, as I don't believe that many people agree with my completely unfounded theories about James Buchanan being the product of a rape.

Top 2 Articles You Should Read Written By People I Know and Love

Hey PaRMLotters. It's an early morning. You know why I got up so early? JUST BE-FRIGGIN'-CAUSE, THAT'S WHY. That's what I bring to the team, America... unpredictability. 

In other news, their are people--you might call them Friends of This Blog--who write very well about interesting subjects. These writings have appeared on highly reputed web-logs recently, and the sphere-of-web-logs (someone oughta come up with a shorthand for that) is buzzing up a storm about them! Or storming up a buzz. Either one, really. In any event, READ THESE, THEY'RE GREAT!

1. Obama and the Science of Altruism, by Mr. Jamil Zaki (published on 1/26/09, on The Huffington Post)

2. Gossip Girl Deathwatch, by Ms. Caitlin Shure (published on 2/6/09, on The Daily Beast)

Local boy and local girl do well! Hooray for the internet! Hooray for friends! Oh, also, PaRMLoT had its 5,000 visitor yesterday! That is like a large number or something! As mayor of this town, I declare this pizza to be awesome!

Top 6 Mistakes on C-SPAN's Closed Captioning of the Inauguration

Hooray, America! And, as I was reminded watching C-SPAN on a Jumbotron, hooray C-SPAN for having 30 years of coverage! (Did you really need to leave that on while actually historic things were happening?) But most of all, hooray for whatever robot or idiot was doing the closed-captioning, because there is nothing more satisfying than watching a huge crowd laugh at a serious event because somebody was screwing up. Also, there were so many mistakes that there's no way I could get all of them, so feel free to submit your own if you were watching the Jumbotron or captioned C-SPAN at the time.

6. "Thy kingdom come, the will be done"

Note that I said "robot or idiot" in the prologue to this. That's because, well, what actual person wouldn't recognize this phrase, right? The Lord's Prayer has to be one of the most frequently-recited bits of English--how could you screw this up? It has to be some voice-recognition program, right? On the other hand...

5. "We have brought unnecessary change to Washington."

This one--what was really said was "a necessary change"--sorta convinced me that the captioning guy was in fact a guy and had an agenda.

4. "Senator Joseph R. Brighton"

You'd really think that the program or person would recognize the second-most important name in the ceremony today. You'd be wrong.

3. "A rock Hussein Obama"

You'd be very, very wrong.

2. "Land of teh pilgrim's pride"

A typo is a little pedestrian and nitpicky, but that doesn't change the fact that imagining Aretha Franklin using "leet" is hilarious.

1. "We can be sure that Dr. King and a great cloud of witnesses are shopping in heaven."

Rick Warren actually said "shouting," but I think we can all agree that this image is better.

Top 15 Things Obama Should Do Right Now

Sittin' awful pretty right now, aren't you, Barack WHOSE-PAIN Obama? (I don't know what that means.)  Anyway, yeah, he is more or less on top of the world right now, which means he would be super-awesome if he did any of these things.

15. Appear in front of a crowd and, without announcement, attempt to set the Guiness World Record for length of time holding one's breath.

14. Release a press statement in which he swears himself in as "President of Awesome" with each hand on a pair of sunglasses then puts both of them on at the same time.

13. Flip off an old white lady.

12. Eat a BLT.  With no mayo.  Fuck mayo.

11. Demand an apology from George W. Bush.  Not for his presidency, but for that one time he cut in front of Obama in a line.  Even if he never did that.  He will be so confused.

10. Abolish the Senate.  Replace it with the Black Panthers.

9. Stage an event where he fights like 100 people in John McCain masks Matrix Reloaded-style.  Appear to lose, but then have Joe Biden come in and save the day.  Joe Biden has an Uzi.

8. Start forwarding links to Youtube videos to all his e-mail lists.  Like gorillas peeing in their mouths and stuff.  Only one video per e-mail.

7. Call up Sarah Palin pretending to be Nicholas Sarkozy.  Listen to her fall for it again just because she is desparate for the attention.

6. Vote again.  For himself.  In 2012.  Right now.  If anyone tries to tell him that he can't, step on their toes HARD and scream, "AMERICA!!!!!"

5. Order a Public Enemy poster to be delivered to the White House.

4. Make a public appearance wearing nothing but an adult diaper.

3. Comment on this blog entry.

2. Reveal to the world that he was actually a stealth Muslim the whole time.

1. MAKE AL FRANKEN WIN THE MINNESOTA SENATE SEAT GOD DAMMIT PRESIDENTS HAVE SPECIAL POWERS

Top 7 Reasons Not to Vote

Well, according to Peter's last post, he wants you to vote. Peter is stupid. I don't want you to vote. Voting sucks. You voting especially sucks. Here is why:

7. You might have to stand in a long line

Voter turnout is probably going to be pretty high, which means that you will have to wait for a lot of other people to vote before you do. What is the longest line you've ever stood in? Double that, then triple that, then add like two, then double that. The line might not be that long, but seriously, think about that line you just thought about, it's really long.

7. If you are between 18 and 21, voting is basically saying "I'm okay with getting drafted"

In 1971, a few rather intelligent people realized that 18- to 21-year olds could get drafted to fight in the military but not vote for the political leaders of that military. If you are at all sane, you realized that they FIXED THIS THE WRONG WAY. I WOULD LET ONLY SIXTY YEAR OLDS VOTE IF IT MEANT I WOULD NEVER GET DRAFTED GOOD LORD I AM SCARED OF DEATH ALSO I AM A HUGE PUSSY.

5. Your vote probably won't make a difference

Here are the chances of your vote deciding the presidential election: 1 in 10,000,000, and only if you live in one of five swing states. What if you spent the same time and money (I know voting doesn't cost money, shut up) on 15 Powerball tickets? Because if you did, you'd have the same chance of winning the jackpot. Answer this honestly: would you rather have your preferred candidate win, or win the Powerball jackpot? No matter who is going to tax you more, the difference will NOT be TWENTY MILLION DOLLARS. Play the lottery, you pathetic loser.

4. It's just a popularity contest

Actually, weirdly enough, it would just be a popularity contest if the presidential election process made any sense.

3. I am sick of people telling you to vote

I'll admit that this is more of a personal gripe than an even mildly legitimate reason, but where does um, every single person on television, the internet, my phone, public restrooms, and the moon get off telling me how to spend my Tuesday? What if I always watch The Price is Right on Tuesday mornings, and then spend the afternoon reading Garfield anthologies and drinking Fanta? What if I like that more than voting, huh?? THEN what?

2. You might accidentally vote for the wrong person

You will feel so stupid if you do this. It's not guaranteed to happen--in fact, it's not even probable--but seriously, you will feel SO STUPID if you do it. And if you do, you won't even realize you did. Imagine living the rest of your life never knowing if you might have accidentally voted for Bob Barr. That will tear you up inside. I voted absentee and I am so fucking worried I might have voted for Bob Barr now.

1. Your vote will make my vote count less

If I was the only person voting in all elections, then all of the people I voted for would win. I think we can all agree that this is an ideal system, that is, as long as there is only one vote to agree and it is mine.

The Top 13 Grilled Cheese Cheeses

Oh my gosh, everybody! I have to tell you this before I start on my list for the night. Today, during Barack Obama's acceptance speech, he totally looked right at me and smiled! When our eyes met, my heart died a little (in a good way) and my soul peed a lot (in a great way). It is time for us to America once again! I just used America as a verb... I have been waiting so long to do that!

Therefore, it makes sense that tonight's list is about grilled cheese sandwiches, specifically the best cheeses with which to make them!

13. Brie
These first few cheeses do not come without some qualification. They need accompaniment, they need assistance; in fact, these cheeses need so much help to make a good grilled cheese, one might ask if such a sandwhich can still be classified as a grilled cheese sandwich. Nevertheless, let's continue. Brie is a soft cheese. When you melt it, it's gooey and borderline runny. It makes for a weird consistency on grilled bread. This is why you throw on some meat (turkey or ham will do nicely) and some condiments with bite. Mustard--good, sharp, yellow mustard--does the trick real well. But isn't this like, some sort of grilled cheese welfare system? Aren't we just giving brie handouts to supplement its flaws? The beauty of the grilled sandwich is its brevity, its ease of composition, not some with-a-little-help-from-my-friends song and dance routine.

12. Gruyere
Gruyere is polar opposite of brie when it comes to its potential as a grilled cheese cheese. It's hard, it's taste is complex--mixing sweet, salty, nutty, and... earthy? THX WIKIPEEDS. Throw this cheese on a sandwich, and it becomes the frontliner. It's the Reggie Jackson of cheeses. The French put it on their croque monsieurs. I say, good for the French. I want to be able to appreciate the jambon, guy. (That means ham in Frenchman-talk!) The best thing I ever had gruyere on was a burger. To really balance out this cheese, you need to slam it up against a big-ass, beefy burger patty. That really says something.

11. Manchego
UM, YOU GUYS. There is a fantastic creation being manufactured at the 9th Avenue Vinter's Beer and Cheese Annex. Manchego + chorizo + quince paste + panini = your mouth just died and went to heaven. Buuuuuuuuuuut... again, we have the cheese-welfare argument. Is that a grilled cheese sandwich or some other taste creation that happens to use cheese and some sort of grilling/pressing procedure. (PS: Anyone who knows/gives a damn about grilled cheese actually fries their sandwich.) It's too hard and cranky to throw it on alone, ya need the chorizo and the quince!!! Still, though. It's amazing.

10. Swiss
This is not my first choice of cheeses. I'm not a Swiss kind of guy. But I understand the appeal. It's like Lars Von Trier movies, I guess. I know they're well-made and, to borrow a phrase, at least there's an ethos. (OMG, Lebowski fans, did I just equate Dogme films to Nazism?! PLEASE ADVISE!) What I'm trying to say is that if you're ordering swiss on your grilled cheese, you probably know what you're doing. You like subtley. You crave minimalism. That's cool. I don't. (But I'll admit that Swiss reaches towards the right kind of consistency, and more important, the stand-alone nature, that potentially makes for a good grilled cheese.)

9. Havarti
Hi, Havarti. It's time we had a little chat. I think you're a good, semi-soft cheese with an interesting buttery flavor. You go really well with Pinot Noir, and that's great. You have these neat, little wholes and I think that's both iconoclastic and iconic. But I think you have a little bit of an inferiority complex. You don't think the cool kids will like you as you are, so you try to gussy your shit up with additives... dill, cranberry, jalapeno, carraway. What even is a carraway?! (Dear The Carraway Caucus. I know what you are, it was something called a joke. Why don't you look up http://www.humor.com/.) Please, Havarti. "To thine own self, be true." I'm pretty sure that's from High School Musical, so... y'know.

8. Jarlsberg
Rob lobbied for Jarlsberg's inclusion and I totally support his choice. According to Wikipedia, the Jarlsberg we eat today is actually a re-invention of a recipe that died out, begging the question--if it's so good, why did it go extinct? As Jeff Goldblum says in Jurassic Park (because really, in every movie, isn't he just "Jeff Goldblum"), "Dinosaurs, they they they, they had their chance!" Jarlsberg, I'm glad you're back in the land of living cheeses but I see why people let you slide beyond the pale. You're kind of a weird Swiss-Havarti mix. And that's cool, y'know, nothing against mixing different things. You managed to improve on both cheese, frankly. But, um, couldn't we have just put two different cheeses on one sandwich and given that a try instead?

7. Provolone
Provolone is like your boring friend with a great DVD collection. You go over to watch a movie, but then you have to talk to them afterwards and it is SO hard. You're always thinking, "Man, you sure do suck at conversations, but you wouldn't know it from all the Criterion Collection DVDs you own! Oh man, can I borrow The Third Man?" (In this analogy, Provolone's actual taste is the boring part, and I guess the hypothetical promise of Provolone is the DVDs.) When I see provolone, my gut reaction is, "I like that! It fuses bread together so well! It isn't messy! It has a subtle yet original flavor!" But then when I order it, I remember, oh wait, provolone has no kick, no zest, no flair! Practically, you've got it going on. But you're not a performer, provolone.

6. Sottocenere
This cheese is Rob's baby. (Wow, I needed a lot of help with my cheese list.) I will cut and paste our gchat on the subject, as I have no recollection of trying this cheese:

"Rob: it is a really really soft cheese that has like a mild-type flavor somehow without being mild

11:46 PM i feel like problems with other grilled cheeses are like...
11:46 PM cheddar - too overwhelming towards bread

11:47 PM provolone - better in that direction but without any bite
11:47 PM munster - similar, and one of the best, but still not enough bite and a little to hard to melt that nicely
11:47 PM sottocenere is somehow really soft and not disrespectful towards bread but with enough bite

11:48 PM "not disrespectful towards bread"
11:48 PM what the fuck am i saying"

I dunno, man. But I am legally bound to agree with you.

5. Cheddar
Oh, hi there, upset. Look at me, I'm Cheddar... I take it for granted that everyone loves me, I've been on top for soooo long that I've lost touch with what it means to be a cheese of the people, I've started to be composed of sub-standard ingredients and some pundits are suggesting that I'm losing my touch. LISTEN UP, CHEDDAR. You could easily have been up with too hard/too soft cheeses. I'm tired of your bullshit. You used to define cheese for me, sir. You used to be the obvious answer to the question "What kind of cheese do you want on that thing you ordered?" Now, you are in danger of becoming the t-shirt of cheese. Oh, you don't get that? Read my last list!

4. Monterey Jack
Doesn't this cheese sound like a cowboy pirate? And Pepper Jack is like Pepper Potts from Iron Man... she's the cowboy pirate's long-suffering secretary and sometime love interest. Wow, this is a spicy hypothetical second-life for Monterey Jack! Also, it goes well when toasted or fried between two slices of bread. My only complaint is that it is sometimes it is hard to cut you and arrange you on a sandwich such that you are fully melted into one integrated mass of cheese.

3. Mozzarella
Oh yeah, I'm going there. This is a stand-up cheese, ladies and gentlemen. You love it on pizza. You love it in little ball shapes with tomatoes and spices. And admit it, it makes a DAMN good grilled cheese. It's not always practical, it's certainly not my number one ungrilled cheese choice, but when you apply an open flame to this cheese, something magical happens. It's like a ballplayer who only seems to hit when the game, nay, the season, is on the line. Some may say you play when you want to play, mozzarella, but I am grateful for those moments!

2. Muenster
Ooooh, Muenster cheese. How I love you. You are salty, which I like. You are melty, which is great. You come in such a form that bread-sized slices of you are possible, which is convenient! You go well on any bread and always bring out the flavor in said bread. You have a funny-to-spell name--awesome. You remind me of "The Munsters"--great. Once, a deli-guy knew me as Muenster Man, which is cool, because that sounds like Monster Man, which makes me some sort of half-man, half-monster, who also is particular about his cheeses!

1. American
YOU GUYS. BARACK OBAMA IS GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT. BECAUSE OF THIS, I WOULD FEEL WEIRD AND FRANKLY, TRAITOROUS, IF I DIDN'T PICK AMERICAN AS THE NUMBER ONE CHEESE. And let's be honest. Two slices of bread and some Kraft singles are a heavenly combo. Throw in some milk and tomato soup and you have just America'd your stomach. Yes, we can! Yes, we can! YES, WE CAN!

Top 1 Persons Obama Actually Picked As His Running Mate

1. Joe Biden

Who knows why the fuck I'm up this late but it means that Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things is on the scene bringing you the news before everyone else because I just got a text message FROM BARACK OBAMA HIMSELF WE ARE GOOD FRIENDS.

NOTE: This was a bonus list.