The New York Times printed this ludicrous article yesterday about a hugging epidemic in America's high schools. It filled me with the kind of outrage that blogging was invented to channel, so, here I am, back at the grindstone, my first post in over a week.
(Yeah, yeah, yeah...)
10. “We’re not afraid, we just get in and hug. The guy friends, we don’t care. You just get right in there and jump in.”
This sounds eerily similar to how some people talk about orgies. Or gardening work.
9. “No hi, no smile, no wave, no high-five — just the hug. Witnessing this interaction always makes me feel like I am a tourist in a country where I do not know the customs and cannot speak the language.”
"...and I only have American dollars and American candy bars and American match sticks. And the natives all speaking in a click-clacking tongue... 'Do you Twitter?' they say! 'Facebook me!' I pray to my American god... it begins to rain."
8. “Touching and physical contact is very dangerous territory.”
It might lead to {BRISTOL PALIN JOKE}!!!
7. “It was needless hugging — they are in the hallways before they go to class. It wasn’t a greeting. It was happening all day.”
...said Assistant Principal Stuffy McNeverbeentouched.
6. “We like to get cozy. The high-five is, like, boring.”
Jesus Christ, the younger generation is lame.
5. “We display bodies more readily, there are fewer rules governing body touch and a lot more permissible access to other people’s bodies.”
"...Which brings me to the matter at hand--we need ACTUAL laws governing body touch and a lot LESS permissible access to other people's bodies! And so, meet our proposed amendment to the Constitution!"
4. “It’s something you grow up doing. But you don’t come up to a dude and hug, you start out with a handshake.”
Note: the best part about this quote is that in the Times article, it's followed by, "said Mazi Chiles, who is black." Amazing. What if every time there was an Obama quote, it was followed with, "who is black." Apparently, we NEED to be reminded of this stuff.
3. “Hugging is more common in my opinion in people who act like friends. It’s like air-kissing. It’s really superficial.”
Ohhhh, air-kissing. Up until that analogy, I was so confused. I just needed a point of reference. Thanks, Amy Heaton of Bethesda, Maryland.
2. “And it gets to that core that every person wants to feel cared for, regardless of your age or how cool you are or how cool you think you are."
Actually, I kind of buy that. Hugs are cool. It's just... a hug epidemic? In my day, it was pain pills and cough syrup and BJs in the art room. (Eds. note: Mostly lies.) The youth of America have lost their collective balls.
1. “I hug people I’m close to. But now you’re hugging people you don’t even know. Hugging used to mean something.”
Shit, man. Have we really reached a point where friggin' hugging is passé? Well, like disco, Beanie Babies, and that naked dude from the first Survivor, we can always look back on hugging and smile.
Showing posts with label the ridiculous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the ridiculous. Show all posts
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Top 10 Fictional Entries
10. Goblu and Beatosu
Two fictional Michigan towns inserted into a state map by an overzealous UMichigan alum, who happened to chair the State Highway Commission. For some (bullshit) reason, Michigan got mad about this and made him get rid of the towns. They later recanted, when it turned out that the cartographical lobby was just the extra push the Wolverines needed to beat OSU. (That last part is false. It is my own version of a fictional entry.)
9. Trap Streets
Nonexistent or radically misrepresented streets depicted on maps to dissuade copyright infringement... y'know, because map-fraud is a billion-dollar industry. These are all over the UK, in fact, I would hazard a guess that 85% of streets in London are fake. (Also, there's one on a German map that's called "Gallows Pathway". STOP BEING CREEPY, THE GERMANS.)
8. The Stone Louse
A small insect found in Germany that eats stone... almost 30kg a day, apparently. First documented in 1976 on the German television show A Place for Animals. Later on, Germans found HILARIOUS application for their made up bug, when they claimed that it played a huge role in the fall of the Berlin Wall. Y'know, it was bugs that killed Communism, not... um... economics.
7. Appleton's Cyclopedia of American Biography
The motherlode of fictitious entries. Apparently, some dudes decided to write an encylopedia of famous Americans, and halfway through, they were just like, "Fuck it, let's make up some peeps." Kinda like Wikipedia. OH SNAP YOU KNEW THAT WAS COMING.
6. The words that show up on the white board of my lab
Okay, do you guys remember this list? Of course you do, because you are loyal PaRMLotters. (A thought: Parmloteers?! Like, Mousketeers?! Yeah, maybe?!) Well, the same handwriting has returned. Today, on the same whiteboard, totally unconnected to anything else, were these two words: "orientated" and "bilateralizationism". They're too cleverly wrong to just be the work of some misguided idiot!!! Someone is trying to tell us something.
5. Agloe, New York
A small town in Upstate New York. First documented in the 1930s as a copyright trap, this town then began to show up on Rand McNally and Esso maps, because someone named a general store after it. (Classic example of life imitating the ridiculous.) The town was later popularized by a young adult novel entitled Paper Towns. And let's face it, how many things have really been popularized by young adult novels, aside from angst and finding out that you have a lot left to learn.
4. Apopudobalia
A Greco-Roman sport resembling soccer, enjoyed by Roman legions and later revived in 19th century Britain. This sport was documented in the German Encyclopeida of Antiquities, yet another great example of that dry, near-nonexistent German wit. I kid, I kid. Honestly though, if you're going to write a bald-faced lie in a respected (I assume?) publication, why wouldn't you make it huge and ridiculous? Roman soccer? At least give me Mayan hockey, guys.
3. Zzxjoanw
A Maori word meaning "drum", "fife", or "conclusion". First documented in 1903, in a dictionary of musical terms entitled The Musical Guide. According to the guide, it's pronounced "shaw". Aside from being a potentially bad-ass scrabble play, this word is batshit insane, as is the fact that it was basically accepted for 70 or so years, until someone said, "Hmm, the Maori language doesn't have z's or x's or j's." Not to mention that fact that words don't just mean three totally different things (aside from "smurf")... "Hey, I invented a word that means 'dentist', 'testicle', and 'Gary'!" You know what happened to the guy who said that? He's dead, that's what happened.
2. Esquivalience
Defined by the New Oxford American Dictionary as "the willful avoidance of one's official responsibilities". No one would have found this word, had the NOAD not leaked the fact that they put a fake e-word in, presumably because the folks at the NOAD are really, really desperate for attention, since e'rbody knows that the NOAD ain't no OED. Later publicized in this excellent New Yorker piece.
1. Lillian Virginia Mountweazel
The queen mum of all fictitious entries, possibly deserving of her own movie/Pynchon novel. Here's her dossier: born in Bangs, Ohio... worked as a fountain designer and a photographer... best known for her collection of rural American mailboxes entitled "Flags Up!"... died in an explosion while on assignment for Combustibles, a magazine presumably about combustion and combustible items. You cannot make this stuff up, and by that I mean, you cannot make up the fact that someone made up Lillian Virginia Mountweazel and put her in the New Columbia Encyclopedia. The world is too much with us.
Two fictional Michigan towns inserted into a state map by an overzealous UMichigan alum, who happened to chair the State Highway Commission. For some (bullshit) reason, Michigan got mad about this and made him get rid of the towns. They later recanted, when it turned out that the cartographical lobby was just the extra push the Wolverines needed to beat OSU. (That last part is false. It is my own version of a fictional entry.)
9. Trap Streets
Nonexistent or radically misrepresented streets depicted on maps to dissuade copyright infringement... y'know, because map-fraud is a billion-dollar industry. These are all over the UK, in fact, I would hazard a guess that 85% of streets in London are fake. (Also, there's one on a German map that's called "Gallows Pathway". STOP BEING CREEPY, THE GERMANS.)
8. The Stone Louse
A small insect found in Germany that eats stone... almost 30kg a day, apparently. First documented in 1976 on the German television show A Place for Animals. Later on, Germans found HILARIOUS application for their made up bug, when they claimed that it played a huge role in the fall of the Berlin Wall. Y'know, it was bugs that killed Communism, not... um... economics.
7. Appleton's Cyclopedia of American Biography
The motherlode of fictitious entries. Apparently, some dudes decided to write an encylopedia of famous Americans, and halfway through, they were just like, "Fuck it, let's make up some peeps." Kinda like Wikipedia. OH SNAP YOU KNEW THAT WAS COMING.
6. The words that show up on the white board of my lab
Okay, do you guys remember this list? Of course you do, because you are loyal PaRMLotters. (A thought: Parmloteers?! Like, Mousketeers?! Yeah, maybe?!) Well, the same handwriting has returned. Today, on the same whiteboard, totally unconnected to anything else, were these two words: "orientated" and "bilateralizationism". They're too cleverly wrong to just be the work of some misguided idiot!!! Someone is trying to tell us something.
5. Agloe, New York
A small town in Upstate New York. First documented in the 1930s as a copyright trap, this town then began to show up on Rand McNally and Esso maps, because someone named a general store after it. (Classic example of life imitating the ridiculous.) The town was later popularized by a young adult novel entitled Paper Towns. And let's face it, how many things have really been popularized by young adult novels, aside from angst and finding out that you have a lot left to learn.
4. Apopudobalia
A Greco-Roman sport resembling soccer, enjoyed by Roman legions and later revived in 19th century Britain. This sport was documented in the German Encyclopeida of Antiquities, yet another great example of that dry, near-nonexistent German wit. I kid, I kid. Honestly though, if you're going to write a bald-faced lie in a respected (I assume?) publication, why wouldn't you make it huge and ridiculous? Roman soccer? At least give me Mayan hockey, guys.
3. Zzxjoanw
A Maori word meaning "drum", "fife", or "conclusion". First documented in 1903, in a dictionary of musical terms entitled The Musical Guide. According to the guide, it's pronounced "shaw". Aside from being a potentially bad-ass scrabble play, this word is batshit insane, as is the fact that it was basically accepted for 70 or so years, until someone said, "Hmm, the Maori language doesn't have z's or x's or j's." Not to mention that fact that words don't just mean three totally different things (aside from "smurf")... "Hey, I invented a word that means 'dentist', 'testicle', and 'Gary'!" You know what happened to the guy who said that? He's dead, that's what happened.
2. Esquivalience
Defined by the New Oxford American Dictionary as "the willful avoidance of one's official responsibilities". No one would have found this word, had the NOAD not leaked the fact that they put a fake e-word in, presumably because the folks at the NOAD are really, really desperate for attention, since e'rbody knows that the NOAD ain't no OED. Later publicized in this excellent New Yorker piece.
1. Lillian Virginia Mountweazel
The queen mum of all fictitious entries, possibly deserving of her own movie/Pynchon novel. Here's her dossier: born in Bangs, Ohio... worked as a fountain designer and a photographer... best known for her collection of rural American mailboxes entitled "Flags Up!"... died in an explosion while on assignment for Combustibles, a magazine presumably about combustion and combustible items. You cannot make this stuff up, and by that I mean, you cannot make up the fact that someone made up Lillian Virginia Mountweazel and put her in the New Columbia Encyclopedia. The world is too much with us.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Top 10 Most Ridiculous State Mottos
The morning after writing a 1700-word Oscar-live-blog post, you probably were not expecting a follow-up. BUT THAT IS WHY I AM SOME SORT OF INTERNET SUPERHERO! (And also, your best friend.)
10. Kansas, "To the stars through difficulties"
Note: Do not trust the Kansas Space Program.
9. Maine, "I direct"
But what I really want to do is... produce?
8. Massachusetts, "By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty"
...but only liberty on Thursdays, and only Thursdays with a lunch special, and only if they have cheese fries, but actually, if the cheese isn't muenster, forget it...
7. Oregon, "She flies with her own wings"
The next big hit from Sarah McLachlan.
6. Alaska, "North to the future"
This sounds like the wackiest mashup of North and Back to the Future. Someone make that, immediately.
5. Texas, "Friendship"
Attention, Texas. "Friendship" is not a motto. It is a word. Aside from that, it is a song from Anything Goes. Maybe you should just take "Anything goes" as your motto. Seems more fitting. (Also, speaking of Texas... a big ol' "Well done!" to Texan friend-of-the-blog Grace Parra, who's writing about bakeries for The Examiner these days! If you live in LA, you should probably go to all these bakeries she writes about.)
4. Michigan, "If you seek a beautiful peninsula, look around you"
Incidentally, this is also the B-side to Britney Spears' "If You Seek Amy".
3. New Mexico, "It grows as it goes"
Leave it to the Land of Enchantment to have a statewide dick joke for a motto.
2. North Carolina, "To be rather than to seem"
I have been to North Carolina and can attest to the accuracy of this motto. You get there and it seems kinda lame... then you realize it is kinda lame.
1. Maryland, "Manly deeds, womanly words"
Welcome to Maryland, the Tranny State!
10. Kansas, "To the stars through difficulties"
Note: Do not trust the Kansas Space Program.
9. Maine, "I direct"
But what I really want to do is... produce?
8. Massachusetts, "By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty"
...but only liberty on Thursdays, and only Thursdays with a lunch special, and only if they have cheese fries, but actually, if the cheese isn't muenster, forget it...
7. Oregon, "She flies with her own wings"
The next big hit from Sarah McLachlan.
6. Alaska, "North to the future"
This sounds like the wackiest mashup of North and Back to the Future. Someone make that, immediately.
5. Texas, "Friendship"
Attention, Texas. "Friendship" is not a motto. It is a word. Aside from that, it is a song from Anything Goes. Maybe you should just take "Anything goes" as your motto. Seems more fitting. (Also, speaking of Texas... a big ol' "Well done!" to Texan friend-of-the-blog Grace Parra, who's writing about bakeries for The Examiner these days! If you live in LA, you should probably go to all these bakeries she writes about.)
4. Michigan, "If you seek a beautiful peninsula, look around you"
Incidentally, this is also the B-side to Britney Spears' "If You Seek Amy".
3. New Mexico, "It grows as it goes"
Leave it to the Land of Enchantment to have a statewide dick joke for a motto.
2. North Carolina, "To be rather than to seem"
I have been to North Carolina and can attest to the accuracy of this motto. You get there and it seems kinda lame... then you realize it is kinda lame.
1. Maryland, "Manly deeds, womanly words"
Welcome to Maryland, the Tranny State!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
33 Things George Orwell Didn't Write
33. The Life of Gargantua and Pantagruel (Rabelais)
32. Who Moved My Cheese? (Spencer Johnson and Kenneth Blanchard)
31. Wait, We Had Cheese? (Johnson Spencer and Blanche Ard-Kenneth)
30. I Totally Would Have Eaten That Cheese (Me)
29. Oh, The Cheese Moved Itself (Aldous Huxley)
28. Fucking and Punching (Hank Moody but also Mia Cross, kinda)
27. Who Fucked and/or Punched My Cheese? (William Makepeace Thackeray)
26. The Secret Lives of Cats (Val Lindahn and Ron Lindahn)
25. I'm OK, You're OK (Thomas Harris)
24. I'm OK, You're My Sworn Enemy (Hamas Terrorist)
23. I'm OK, You're Cheese (a person who is not cheese)
22. I'm Not OK With the Fact That You Are Cheese, But I Am Otherwise Pretty Good--You Continue To Be Cheese (the same person several days later, after their conscience kicked in)
21. People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It (Gary Leon Hill)
20. People Who Don't Know They're Cheese: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Sandwiches and What to Do About It (Leon Hill Gary)
19. You Can't Win (Jack Black, hobo)
18. "The Grand Inquisitor" chapter of The Brothers Karamazov (Fyodor Doestoevsky)
17. People Farm (some animals)
16. Street Talk: Da Official Guide to Hip-Hop & Urban Slanguage (Randy Kearse)
15. "Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail", Episode 2-16 of The West Wing
14. The Big Book Of Lesbian Horse Stories (a collective of lesbian horses, several of which may have also contributed to People Farm)
13. The Life of Samuel Johnson, LL. D. (James Boswell)
12. The Bro Code (Barney Stinson)
11. Deciding the Next Decider: The 2008 Presidential Race in Rhyme (Calvin Trillin)
10. The Master and Margarita (Mikhail Bulgakov)
9. "You Can Never Hold Back Spring", Track 2 on Disc Two of Tom Waits' Orphans
8. The St. Crispin's Day speech from Henry V (Shakespeare or Henry V, whichever one you believe actually existed)
7. The "Every Man a King" speech (Huey Long)
6. Wishful Drinking (Carrie Fisher)
5. A Hero Of Our Time (Mikhail Lermontov)
4. The Unauthorized Biography of George W. Bush (Webster Griffin Tarpley and Anton Chaitkin)
3. The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner (Ben Folds)
2. The Unauthorized Autobiography of Reinhold Messner (A drunk, conflicted Reinhold Messner)
1. We (Yevgeny Zamyatin)
32. Who Moved My Cheese? (Spencer Johnson and Kenneth Blanchard)
31. Wait, We Had Cheese? (Johnson Spencer and Blanche Ard-Kenneth)
30. I Totally Would Have Eaten That Cheese (Me)
29. Oh, The Cheese Moved Itself (Aldous Huxley)
28. Fucking and Punching (Hank Moody but also Mia Cross, kinda)
27. Who Fucked and/or Punched My Cheese? (William Makepeace Thackeray)
26. The Secret Lives of Cats (Val Lindahn and Ron Lindahn)
25. I'm OK, You're OK (Thomas Harris)
24. I'm OK, You're My Sworn Enemy (Hamas Terrorist)
23. I'm OK, You're Cheese (a person who is not cheese)
22. I'm Not OK With the Fact That You Are Cheese, But I Am Otherwise Pretty Good--You Continue To Be Cheese (the same person several days later, after their conscience kicked in)
21. People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It (Gary Leon Hill)
20. People Who Don't Know They're Cheese: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Sandwiches and What to Do About It (Leon Hill Gary)
19. You Can't Win (Jack Black, hobo)
18. "The Grand Inquisitor" chapter of The Brothers Karamazov (Fyodor Doestoevsky)
17. People Farm (some animals)
16. Street Talk: Da Official Guide to Hip-Hop & Urban Slanguage (Randy Kearse)
15. "Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail", Episode 2-16 of The West Wing
14. The Big Book Of Lesbian Horse Stories (a collective of lesbian horses, several of which may have also contributed to People Farm)
13. The Life of Samuel Johnson, LL. D. (James Boswell)
12. The Bro Code (Barney Stinson)
11. Deciding the Next Decider: The 2008 Presidential Race in Rhyme (Calvin Trillin)
10. The Master and Margarita (Mikhail Bulgakov)
9. "You Can Never Hold Back Spring", Track 2 on Disc Two of Tom Waits' Orphans
8. The St. Crispin's Day speech from Henry V (Shakespeare or Henry V, whichever one you believe actually existed)
7. The "Every Man a King" speech (Huey Long)
6. Wishful Drinking (Carrie Fisher)
5. A Hero Of Our Time (Mikhail Lermontov)
4. The Unauthorized Biography of George W. Bush (Webster Griffin Tarpley and Anton Chaitkin)
3. The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner (Ben Folds)
2. The Unauthorized Autobiography of Reinhold Messner (A drunk, conflicted Reinhold Messner)
1. We (Yevgeny Zamyatin)
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