Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Top 7 Minor Characters in James Joyce's "Ulysses"

Having finally finished school for the semester, I would like to also finish out my "lists on a theme of one of my classes" by highlighting some of the smaller characters in James Joyce's intricate masterpiece of Dublin life, Ulysses. Joyce's world is so fully-imagined that he often had full conceptions of characters of characters who are quite tangential to the main plot of the work. Here is a look at some of my favorites.

7. Richie Goulding

Richie Goulding is the man who eats lunch at the Ormund Hotel with the protagonist Leopold Bloom.

6. Reggie Wylie

Reggie Wylie is the former boyfriend of Gertie MacDowell, who exposes herself on the beach to the protagonist Leopold Bloom.

5. Mrs. Mastiansky

Mrs. Mastiansky is the spouse of Mr. Mastiansky, whose sexual practices are discussed in a monologue of Molly Bloom, who is the wife of the protagonist Leopold Bloom.

4. Corey MacGee

Corey MacGee is estranged uncle of Andrew MacGee, who once courted Lily Gerber, who is the former owner of the chickadee named Davey Blondo, which has an imagined dialogue with the protagonist Leopold Bloom

3. Jim Cordoba

Jim Cordoba is the personal sous chef for Chef Barney Blago, who utters a curse upon God under the roof of Joanna Corleone, who once invalidated the checks of Jennifer Barf, who, before her sexual reassignment surgery, once had a gay relationship with Stephen Dedalus, who is the spiritual son of the protagonist Leopold Bloom.

2. Kevin Bacon

Kevin Bacon starred in Flatliners with Oliver Platt, who is the grandson of Kevin Platt, who came under scrutiny by the board of Dublin correctional facility director Jason Chilam, who threw his Bat Mitzvah at the house of Benny Goodman, who caught a bad cold due to a window left open by Gary Gygax, who created the favorite game of the protagonist Leopold Bloom.

1. Peter Mende-Siedlecki

Peter Mende-Siedlecki writes a list blog with Rob Trump, who, unknown to him, is the bastard nephew of Donald Trump, who once delivered the baby of Goody Proctor, who ate the entire apple inside a worm named Lowly Worm, who reversed the spin of the world with a super-cape made for him by Garth Brooks, who once dueted with Al Jolson, who is, in fact, a pseudonym of the protagonist Leopold Bloom.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Top 16 Cryptids

Hey everyone, listen up! When I was a little kid, I was obsessed with monsters. This is why I watched The Monster Squad constantly. Nowadays, if you are twenty-something or older and you still like talking about monsters, you have to call them cryptids, or else you just don't sound serious. I, of course, am super-serious. So too, by the way, is Lakshmi. We had a long conversation about cryptids the other day (on account of our seriousness), but then we had to stop because we both got scared. Anyway, that inspired this list!

16. The Loveland Frog

Back in 1955, a businessman saw three or four green, scaly frog-men hanging out under a bridge. One of them had a little device that shot sparks and according to the guy, they smelled like alfalfa and almonds. An alternate (and potentially more truthful) telling of this story is as follows: A man in the business of doing drugs stumbled upon a sparsely attended hobo Halloween party. The hobo in charge of bringing snacks could only scrounge up alfalfa and a bowl of almonds.

15. Skunk Ape

The skunk ape is a Bigfoot-knockoff from down south who has a hankering for bushels of apples and smells really funky. Once again, I think the logical explanation is a hobo in a costume.

14. Champ

Champ is a total biter, like Skunk Ape, but he is one notch cooler because he is some type of plesiosaur and not a smelly monkey. He (apparently it is totally obvious that Champ is a dude) lives in Lake Champlain, and has been there every since 1883--coincidentally appearing during the first Make Lake Champlain More Famous campaign headed up by the Lake Champlain Board of Tourism. (I cannot trace Champ's origins to hobos.)

13. Bunyip

What even is a bunyip. This is why I don't get Aussies.

12. Black Shuck

Mythical Scottish dog name-checked by neo-glam-rockers The Darkness in their song "Black Shuck". (According to the lyrics, "Black Shuck / that dog don't give a fuck".) Hey, whatever happened to The Darkness? They have practically achieved cryptid status as a band by this point. Did they ever really exist?

11. El Chupacabra

Also known as the goat-sucker! (Yes, yes, that is a blood-curdling moniker!) This alien/reptile/dog/cat/vampire/thing roams the Southwest and Mexico, wreaking havoc on livestock, mainly goats. (It, um, sucks their blood, apparently.) My beef with the chupacabra is that it sounds like the product of a five year old who has been asked to design his very own imaginary animal. "An it'll have... talons! And a beak with fangs... but also it can fly. And really big eyes! And claws! And a tail that turns into a gun! And when it blinks, you get really cold! And it looooves American Graffiti!"

10. Goatman

Aw man, this guy scared the crap out of me as a little guy. It's a half-man, half-goat who roams the backroads of the U.S. with a hatchet and a temper. Mostly he runs out into the road, jumps on cars, and beats the shit out of their roofs and hoods. What a cryptid dick! Also, he's human enough to scrawl "Goatman was here" in rest-stop bathrooms. Neither goats or men are particularly terrifying, but when their two powers combine--JEEZ. (Note: actually pertinent hypothetical battle question... if Goatman and a chupacabra got into a fight, who would win!!?!)

9. Mothman

Wasn't there a Richard Gere movie about this guy? (Answer: YES.) Run down of powers: Flight? Check. Cool, creepy, glowing eyes? Check. Ability to cause cataclysms!? Check! Oh man, this life is so full of weird.

8. Mongolian Death Worm

The Chinese don't screw around when it comes to cryptid-related urban legends. Half-man, half-whatevers are boring. What isn't boring is a gigantic worm-snake that spews venom and always kills you. This one was definitely not invented by hobos. There are photos of tracks to prove it!!! (Note: okay, so a long line in the sand is what counts as tracks in this instance, but for reals, guys, DEATH WORM!)

7. The Lake Tianchi Monster

I'm giving this guy extra points because he's the only one with a Mountain Goats song dedicated to him. (Also, he sounds like the friendliest monster out of the bunch!)

6. The Beast of Bodmin Moor

Probably one of the more plausible ones on the list. So... every once in a while, rural Britons see large, carnivorous cats, just chillin' out on the moors. They're usually described as lion or panther-like and they just love killing sheep. Frankly, I think a better thing to search for would be the Large Cat-Fancier of Bodmin Moor. I'm guessing the thought process usually goes like this. "Shit! My lion/panther escaped! I should call the police--that thing could kill people or sheep. Wait, having a lion/panther in a private residence is probably illegal! Hmm... I know, instead of alerting the authorities, I will by another large, carnivorous cat. That was so easy!"

5. The Jersey Devil

Oh man, remember anti-gypsyism? Yeah, those were the days, eh? Anyway, apparently a gypsy lady had 13 kids or something and the thirteenth was the Devil's son. I have chosen to half-remember the Jersey Devil's origin story, rather than doing any research. Also, the New Jersey Devils are a not-half-bad team to pull for, when it comes to hockey teams. By the way, the thing about the Jersey Devil is that I think I could take him. Like, I've seen the pictures, and that little Pine Barrens-dwelling prick has it coming. He's got stumpy little legs, a big dumb reptile-dog face, and poorly drawn wings. You're going down, mythical creature!

4. Bigfoot

There's a great Mitch Hedberg joke about how the scariest thing about Bigfoot is that he's so blurry. There's this fuckin' blurry guy running around the Pacific Northwest! In other news, wasn't Mitch Hedberg the greatest?

3. The Loch Ness Monster

It should be noted that according to news clippings seen in How I Met Your Mother, Marshall Eriksen (Jason Segel) will capture the Loch Ness Monster sometime in the 2030s. Neat! Also, my favorite thing is on those "In Search of Monsters"-type shows when they implicate Nessie in that one speedboater's death? Because Nessie was apparently making waves? Waves that killed?

2. The Thylacine

WHAT, this thing is real, but it died out. OR DID IT?!!?! Answer: Dudes, obviously not. I'm guessing there's some sort of massive Australian government conspiracy... in fact, I bet they're slowly sneaking thylacines into high-ranking government positions. Like that one Australian governor who can open his mouth 180 degrees. He is probably a thylacine.

1. The Yeti

BEST MONSTER EVER. Sweet name, sweet location, sweet backstory... I even named my cat after the Yeti. There is just something so thrilling, so engaging about an enormous furry beast, carving out a legendary existence in an inhospitable climate, eluding capture and verified documentation for hundreds of years. (Then again, there are Tibetan hobos, too...)

Top 16 Good Samaritan Actions You Could Do for the Holidays

The other day, I lost my wallet. I had used a Metrocard to take the subway uptown back to school, and once I was there, I realized I didn't have my wallet anymore. I freaked out, cancelled my credit and check cards, and got a new school ID. Then, I got an e-mail. Somebody had picked up my wallet. I called the guy--he didn't want anything from me, just to give me my wallet back. I tried to get him to at least take the cash in it, and he wouldn't. He just met me outside a subway stop near where he lived, handed me my wallet, and said, "Happy Holidays!"

This is seriously one of the most amazingly nice things anyone has ever done for me, and he was a complete stranger. Most people I know wouldn't try to extort someone if they picked up a wallet--but also most people I know--nice as they are--wouldn't take the responsibility by picking up a wallet from the ground (which you know someone dropped by accident) and then try to contact the person. With all that in mind and with a new belief in humanity and New Yorkers, let me present 16 things you might do for strangers this holiday season.

16. If you see a wallet on the ground, pick it up, leave the cash in it, and return it to its owner.

15. If you see a watch on the ground, pick it up, reset it to your atomic clock at home so it is more exact, then use a Craigslist posting to return it to its owner.

14. If you see a bike that isn't chained up, chain it up, then wait by it until the person who owns it comes back, then unchain it for them.

13. If you see a cell phone on the ground, pick it up, call the first person on the recent calls list, tell them they've won ten dollars, then give it back to the person who actually owns it. The other person won't get ten dollars but they'll think they're going to for a bit and that will make them happy.

12. If you see a car that's left idling with its keys in it, take it for a spin around the block and then go to an auto body shop to soup it up before you give it back. Soup it up with big rims and turbo boosters (I don't know anything about cars okay).

11. If you see a lone shoe on the ground, search far and wide until you find its brother shoe. Then put those shoes together and sell them on eBay. Then tell the person who bought them they can have them for free. Then find the person who lost the original shoes and give them a hug.

10. If you see a small bird without a mommy bird, take the bird in and feed it until it soars on wings of its own.

9. If you see a glass that is half empty, fill it a little, so it's less than half-empty. If you want, you can tell people that now it's half-full, but technically, that would be wrong.

8. If you see a tree whose roots have been exposed in a public place, cordon off the area with orange tape until the grass grows back in to protect the trees nutrient uptake mechanism.

7. If you find a television that someone has thrown in the trash due to a minor electrical malfunction that you can easily fix with your pocket toolkit, do so. Then, before you return it to its owner, reprogram the television so it can no longer access QVC, because maybe the person knew it the TV could be easily repaired but threw it out because they are addicted to buying things on QVC.

6. If you find a copy of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode "Eegah!" on the ground, I'd like that, bring it to me, thanks. No, it does not matter who the original owner is in this case.

5. If you give a mouse a cookie, deny him the milk. It is kinder to be cruel in this case.

4. If you find a boomerang and see a person several hundred feet away looking for a boomerang, don't just throw it at them! It will come right back to you! Pick it up and walk it over to them. Then throw it and it will come back to where you both are.

3. If you find a reason to live, share it with others. Maybe it is good one for someone who is about to kill him- or herself.

2. If you find a man half-dead with no clothes on the road from Jerusalem to Jericho, bandage his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then put the man on your donkey, take him to an inn, and take care of him. The next day take two silver coins and give them to the inkeeper, saying, "Look after him, and when I return, I will reimburse you with any extra expense you may have."

1.If you see a wallet on the ground, pick it up, leave the cash in it, and return it to its owner SERIOUSLY SOMEONE DID THIS FOR ME!!!!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The 6 Steps of Mitosis

I found this on the white board in my lab. It was under the heading "Steps of Mitosis". It is art, plain and simple. (I've taken the liberty of including some commentary.)

1. Duplification
This is the step at which cells duplify. That is to say, where there was once only one, now there are two or possibly many.

2. Splitatory events
After duplification, it is common for the newly duplified cells to attend some splitatory events. Splitation is the process of becoming okay with your recent duplification. It's like a retreat, kind of.

3. Random bondilations
While attending splitatory events, some cells get to know each other a little better, and if they are lucky, they sneak out after curfew and bondilate. It's totally random, but also totally hot. These bondilations are the source of genetic mutilation.

4. Methedidical
The purpose of this step is purebred bottled batshit insanity. (Either that, or it is a misspelling of "methodical", which makes total sense.)

5. Olfackatory
What.

6. Blast or cyst
At the end of mitosis, a cell has the choice of being a blast or a cyst. Most cool cells choose blast.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Top 25 Battlecries

Have you seen this? It is a well-edited clip of 40 inspirational speeches from famous films, all mashed into about 2 minutes! Rami passed it along to me and then Frank made a kind request for a list of the best battlecries of film and television.

We at PaRMLoT are nothing if not eager to please!

25. "Oh captain, my captain!" - Dead Poets Society

You know how sometimes movies end on a resoundingly inspirational note, but then, when you think about it for a while, you're like, "Wait, those people's lives are all about to get way worse!" This is kind of one of those movies, yes? Their cool professor gets canned, their hot-shot-ringleader is dead... everything sucks! I'm just being honest. Once those kids get down from their desks, there come those tears again.

24. "Fuck you, pay me." - Goodfellas

This is less of a battlecry and more of just a really intense, awesome thing to hear Ray Liotta say over and over in a voiceover.

23. "BAYONETS!" - Gettysburg

Tom yells this sometimes. Tom yells a lot of things, frankly. He can be surprisingly terrifying. Then again, I can be surprisingly timid. All of this has so little to do with Gettysburg. (Note: I have not seen Gettysburg.) I hear Gettysburg is super great!

22. "Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory... lasts forever." - The Replacements
Yeah, I have a big ol' film-crush on The Replacements. (The movie, not the band. I carry a full-on Cross of Love for The Replacements, the band.) For some reason, this is perfect for Keanu Reeves in a way that few other roles have been. And the big speech at the end, where he's all, I don't wanna give a big speech at the end, and then he says this quote... I mean, it's cookie-cutter sports movie formula, but what's so wrong with that?

21. "You're so money!" - Swingers

This has been done to death by dudes in shiny shirts who think the message of Swingers is "you should totally act like Vince Vaughn in this movie all the time"... still though, when a film holds up after 12 years, something has gone right.

20. "Have fun storming the castle!" - The Princess Bride

How did this movie not win Best Makeup for the work they did on Billy Crystal and Carole Kane?! Also, I used to say this to my friends when they left my house (like, in the sixth grade)... again, I wasn't much for normalcy as a kid.

19. "It's the fuckin' Catalina Wine Mixer!" - Step Brothers

You guys, go see Step Brothers. It's like Adam McKay and Will Ferrell read every review of their films that used the phrase "man-child" and then they said, "Why don't we just go full out?" It is both maddening and perfect.

18. "They may take our lives, but they will never take our freedom!" - Braveheart

What's fun about this one is that you can submit really anything for "freedom" and it will be funny. Seriously. Get a person to give you a list of 10 nouns, replace "freedom" with each noun, say the line to yourself in your head (or better, scream it in a crowded office), and if you don't laugh at least half the time, I'll buy you a stick of yours. (Can we start saying that as a thing?)

17. "A day may come when then courage of men fails, but it is not this day." - Return of the King

Back in the old days, when dinosaurs still roamed the earth, me and friend-of-PaRMLoT Matt Schratz would drive around Buffalo in his big white van and write things in chalk on people's driveways. This was to be considered a huge, huge honor. (Most of our chalkings were quotes from Hook or the ODB.) Anyway, once we wrote this quote on this girl Bridget's driveway, and it took so much chalk and so much effort, but we followed through, because that's the kind of guys we were.

16. "No one gets left behind!" - Little Miss Sunshine

Remember that time Rob made a joke about his sentient portside buttock? My heart grew three sizes that day, and my love for Rob turned into a shark.

15. "This is your time!" - Miracle

It probably makes more sense to put the actual Al Michaels call of the win versus the Soviets ("Do you believe in miracles? Yes! YES!!!), but this moment--all Goonies allusions aside--tugs at the hockey-taped heartstrings.

14. "Steve Holt!" - Arrested Development

You can't help but say it with your arms in the air and your fists clenched. You will feel so full of pride! (I am doing it right now and I feel great.)

13. "Let's get into it!" - The Darjeeling Limited

Said by Owen Wilson to his brothers (Jason Schwartzman and Adrien Brody) during a spiritual journey to reclaim what the three have lost over the years, at a point where the spiritual journey has lost its course and the "what has been lost" has been deemed essentially unreclaimable. This movie should have been seen by more people.

12. "Cougars!" - Kicking and Screaming (1995)

There is a wonderful little scene in this classic portrait of post-college inertia (Noah Baumbach's first film!) where Skippy (Jason Wiles) decides that his group of guys needs a name. He's gunning for "Cougars". It's a terrific moment--a guy who has nothing left to belong to, deciding that if nothing else, he can declare his friendships an official institution and belong to them.

11. "Business drunk!" - 30 Rock

Maybe the best line from maybe the best episode of Season Two. There were so many totally necessary references to Milos Forman's Amadeus in that one!

10. "I'm in the goddamn club, aren't I?" - The Monster Squad

Listen. LISTEN. I have said my peace about why I prefer this film to The Goonies. But if you'll indulge just a few more sentences, this line is the perfect reason why. Goonies has its whole "Up there it's their time, down here, it's our time!" thing and that's just great. (Way to spawn an entire generation of cheer-up-emo-kids, movie.) But The Monster Squad has balls, and by balls, I mean a leather-clad 15 (?) year-old bad-ass named Rudy who shoots stakes into vampire babes. UM, EXCUSE ME BUT I HAVE TO GO JUMP UP AND DOWN BECAUSE THAT IS SO AWESOME.

9. "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!" - Network

There was a security guard who liked to call me Peter Finch, once. I miss that guy. I miss people calling me things.

8. "I am a golden god!" - Almost Famous

Screamed from atop a roof at a houseparty thrown by real Topeka people, no less.

7. "Smile, you son of a bitch!" - Jaws

As in, smile because there is an airtank in your mouth and I am going to shoot it with a rifle and blow you up. You haven't foreseen this, because you are a shark, and even though you are a perfectly engineered killing machine that swims, eats, and makes baby sharks, you have a small brain. And I, Chief Martin Brody, do not. Also, I have that rifle I mentioned.

6. "I serve at the pleasure of the president." - The West Wing

Not exactly a battlecry, but goddamn, if this line doesn't charge me up and make me wanna push the big gun control reform bill through Congress. Then, President Bartlett will quote a book we've all heard of but never actually read and tell us an amazing, off-the-cuff story. If I'm lucky, they'll play Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah", although that might mean that someone in a B- or C-plot has been shot.

5. "Suit up!" - How I Met Your Mother

I am only still writing so that I have something to do until they post tonight's episode on CBS.com... I hear there are even more Minnesota references than usual in this one. Speaking of that, DUDES did you see the Vikings destroy the Cardinals on Sunday? Yeah, that wasn't at all awesome. OH WAIT, IT'S OPPOSITE LAST SENTENCE. (That is like when it's Opposite Day, but it's only relevant to the last sentence. Well, two sentences ago now. Look, I am just trying to say that the Vikings are on a roll and How I Met Your Mother is a criminally underwatched show, and also the reason I wear suits so often.)

4. "Ducks fly together!" - The Mighty Ducks

We at PaRMLoT have not minced words about our adoration for the Mighty Ducks films. Simply put, we think they are just great. But it's little touches like this, the chronic cinematic underachiever Emilio Estevez, acting his little black-sheep-Sheen heart out, whipping the Ducks into a frenzy as they prepare to take on the fearsome crosstown rivals, the Hawks. (Hawks, it should be noted, do not fly together. Hawks don't give a fuck. That's actually what the Hawks were yelling in their locker room, which is also why they lost the championships. That, and the triple deke.)

3. "Today we celebrate our Independence Day!" - Independence Day

Is there a more contrived, more masterful speech recorded on film? Back when I used to cast people in things called plays, every once in a while, some kid (AKA: the greatest person on earth, at that moment) would toddle in and recite this speech. I would immediately high-five them and cast them as Jesus the Christ, even if the play didn't have Jesus in it, which was always. This is why I am so good at rewriting plays to include Jesus as a character.

2. "Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose!" - Friday Night Lights

Anyone who has watched Season Three is well aware that FNL is more than just back in the playoff hunt. This is a team leading its division, with a really solid shot at state. Okay, that was a horrible and unnecessary sports metaphor, but the fact of the matter is, you need to be watching this show. Watch the pilot online, it's one of the best ever made, you will understand what I'm talking about, and you'll want to hear the rest of the story.

1. "La Marseillaise" - Casablanca

Classic. Just... classic.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Top 11 Rob Riggle Moments on The Daily Show

Well, I was very saddened to learn that Rob Riggle has filed his last report and will no longer be a correspondent on The Daily Show when the show returns from winter hiatus. I wish him well on his future venture, a half-hour project with CBS, and until it comes out, I'll miss him. To fill my need during the next few months' Riggle drought, I'll watch these clips, which are my favorites from his two-year tenure. The top three alone are enough to convince me that he's one of the best Daily Show correspondents of all-time.

11. Riggle v. Gas Prices

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Gas Pains

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

10. Riggle v. Cupcakes

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Cupcakes

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

9. Riggle v. the Military Plan in Iraq

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c