Top 2 Things That Are Borderline Unforgivable

2. The Minnesota Twins did not win their season opener against the Seattle Mariners.

You guys better win tonight or I am taking over the team like that kid in Little Big League. There will be a reckoning! No one is safe! Not even you, Nicky Punto! Now, slide into first base head-first! Again! Again! Who do you play for! Again! Again!

1. I put up a "Happy Birthday, Paul Rudd" list, but not a "Happy Birthday, Mom" list?!

You guys, this was just bad, bad form. You may recall that yesterday, April 6th, I posted a list chronicling the eight best roles Paul Rudd has played, in honor of his 40th birthday. Well, where the hell was I on March 28th, and where was the tribute list to my dear mother? (Note: I'm not "just now bringing this up" 'cause my dad told me to or anything like that. It dawned on me this morning and I felt totes bummed, so I had to do something about it. In fact, DAD, where was the "How dare you not tribute your mom in list fashion!" email?! Diffusion of responsibility!) Anyway, here are the Top 8 Roles My Mom Has Played:

8) Department chair
7) First soprano (not like, first ever, but still!)
6) First librarian in space (that was a first)
5) Also the second librarian in space
4) "Melissa" in A.R. Gurney's Love Letters
3) Wife
2) Mother
1) Third librarian in space

I love you, Mom!

Top 8 Things Paul Rudd Has Ever Done (AKA, Happy Birthday Paul Rudd!)

Attention, the Internet. (Especially you, Parmlotters!) Paul Rudd--noted man among men and PaRMLoT hero--is 40 years young today. Because I am the kind of guy who can admit to a healthy, non-threatening, "I bet that famous guy would totally get me" mancrush, I present you eight of my favorite Paul Rudd roles. (Sorry Anchorman fans, I left off Brian Fantana because Rob doesn't like that movie and mentioning it in a positive light would probably incur a Merkin Muffley Exclusion level cataclysm.)

Oh, also... baseball is here! (Just in time for the Twins to lose their opener to the Mariners. Goddammit. Is Seattle even a city? Whatever. 161 and 1 is not SUCH a bad record.)

8. "Nick Carraway" in The Great Gatsby

Hear me the frig out, America. This is not a good Gatsby adaptation. I will grant you that up front, no money down. But Rudd gets Nick, he gets him in a very quiet, honest way—he’s subtle without being a cipher, a little lost without being emo.

7. "Peter" in I Love You, Man

Mostly for this quote in a recent Times article: “Mr. Rudd, who sees a little of himself in Peter, said he happily occupied a middle ground between macho and metrosexual. ‘I can talk about sports and stuff,” he said. “But I have a season pass for ‘Antiques Roadshow’ on my TiVo. And I can talk to you about all the seasons of ‘Project Runway’ and do it without any shame.’” 

6. "David" in The 40 Year-Old Virgin

I like watching people meltdown on screen… it’s not a sadistic thing, I just love the moment when the meltdown ends and the redemption starts. This character is one of the most desperate takes on hopeless romanticism and it’s start-to-finish gold. 

5. "Jack" in The Oh in Ohio

Have you seen this movie!? You should. I pumped for it back in ‘05, mainly because of the cast—Rudd, Parker Posey, Danny DeVito, Keith David—and then when I sat down to watch it, I was all, “Aw man, this is a ladies movie about lady parts.” But then Paul Rudd and his beard show up and it is ON. This is a guy at his cynical, beard-wearing, brown-bag-drinking, Mischa-Barton-screwing best. (Well, that last bit is gross, to be fair.)

4. "Adam" in The Shape of Things

This is a crazy-good play and if nothing else, it filled me with the unshakable fear that I would one day be betrayed by an artist. I suppose it happens to everybody in one way or another, but… oh man, in this one... I felt for you, buddy.

3. "Josh" in Clueless

Aw man, remember when no one knew who Paul Rudd was? Those were the days. Clinton was in the White House, Counting Crows was on the radio, and we all cheered the coming Robotocalypse as Deep Blue beat Gary Kasparov at chess. 

2. "Andy" in Wet Hot American Summer

This is when I full-on realized the genius of Rudd. (This is also when I full-on realized how cool denim jackets look.) Andy is simply one of the most lovable assholes ever captured on film, an absolute testament to how much fun it is to watch this guy work. He spits “Fuck you, dyke!” at his semi-girlfriend one second, lets a kid drown the next, and tops it all off by throwing another out a moving van… and you still want to hang with him.

1. "Pete" in Knocked Up

Every once in a while, I go off on a thing about how Paul Rudd legitimately deserved a nomination for this role. You don’t want to be around when this hurricane starts a-blowing. Dude was the heart and soul of this film—the angry, snarkier than thou, hey-check-out-my-baller-Tom-Waits-tee-shirt heart and soul. That scene in the playground with the bubbles, where he says that his children’s smiling faces remind him how he can’t manage to find happiness in his life… killer. And that’s totally his actual Tom Waits tee. I bet that guy has some of the best tee shirts in the world. (Not the best, though. The best tee shirt in the world, of course, is Laksh’s Bon Jovi shirt from some tour back in the 80s. It’s just his face with like, crazy hair and ice-blue-fire eyes. It is the coolest thing imaginable.)