Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Top 16 Fictional Presidents

Links provided.

16. Roy Scheider

Portrays the P.O.T.U.S. in such direct-to-vid hits as The Peacekeeper, Executive Target, and Chain of Command.


Also killed a shark with an airtank. Used to hate the water, though I can't imagine why.


Played the character of Fake Bob Fosse, however, Fake Bob Fosse was never elected president.


15. Mike Brady

Portrayed by Gary Cole in the TV movie, The Brady Bunch in the White House. Mercifully ended the "Let's update the Brady Bunch by putting them in wacky, modern locales" phenomenon.


14. Johnny Gentle

President of the US in David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest. Former crooner. Rupophobic. (Or molysmophobic, depending on whose phobia list you go by.) Gave New England and New York to the Canadians.


13. James Marshall

GET. OFF. MY. PLANE! No, seriously though, Harrison Ford is a great, good man, made of truth and concrete.


12. Dave Kovic

Honestly, why wasn't there a sequel to this? Best tagline ever: "In a country where anybody can become President, anybody just did." ZING! Thanks, Ivan Reitman. Thanks, Kevin Kline. Thanks... America?


11. Thomas J. Whitmore

President of the United States portrayed by Bill Pullman in the 1996 summer blockbuster Independence Day.

"Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!"

10. Francis Pirrip Sampson

President of the United States (2010-2013) in the as-of-yet unfinished, unbegun novel The American Stew. Sampson is tipped off that his parents are not his real parents and that everything he knows about his life preceding his 18th birthday is a lie. He leaves office to go on a roadtrip to find out his true origins. However, on the very night that he embarks on this journey, a hitman contracted to kill him breaks into the Oval Office, only to find it empty. The hitman, Barefoot Calico Godrick has been hired to kill Samspon by RJ Genco of Genco Poultry, due to a recent bill (pushed forward by Sampson) to make the turkey the national bird, in accordance with Benjamin Franklin's original wishes. (Oh, also, the story takes place after the last bald eagle has been killed.) Making the turkey the national bird would obviously cause a huge decline in turkey sales, because who'd want to eat the symbol of their freedom. A wacky road/buddy tragicomedy ensues, featuring hobos, neuroscientists, human kindness, eternal life, out of work actors, and a TV dinner Thanksgiving.

Basically, someone should pay me to write this.


9. Kendrell Bell

Former linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers and Kansas City Chiefs. Currently a free agent, but come on, the guy was the Associated Press NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year in 2001. He's not going to stay on the market for long, right? Right? You guys? Will any NFL franchises please hire Kendrell Bell? He has such a cool name!


8. Calvin Coolidge


7. That One Guy Who Was President for a Day, Sort Of, That I Didn't Feel Like Wikipedia-ing

You know what I'm talking about, right? Not the guy that decided he was the American Emperor, but the guy who actually was, like, president... sort of. Maybe there was a clerical error or something? No, no... the real guy was sick and the VP was off shooting at buffalo, I think. Gosh, I don't know. My mom is a librarian. I feel guilty.


6. John James Wikipedia

President of Wikipedialand, a mythical kingdom of uncited sources and flagrant vandalism. John James Wikipedia is the father of a nation. John James Wikipedia is pure-bred, bottled genius. John James Wikipedia nonstop pizza party all the time!


5. Jimbo Wales

Creator of Wikipedia, a free open content encylopedia of uncited sources and flagrant vandalism. Jimbo Wales is a destroyer of worlds. Jimbo Wales is cold-filtered, unbridled evil. Jimbo Wales nonstop pizza party all the time!


4. Fictional Jimbo Wales

Creation of Ryan North, the greatest man alive.


3. Mrs. Dean Martin

A fictional, female version of Dean Martin elected president of the Confederate States of America in an alternate history television series written by Rob Trump entitled Things I Wish Would Have Happened Because I Am Unamerican.


2. Josiah "Jed" Bartlett

Portrayed by Martin Sheen on the landmark serial drama, The West Wing.


1. Mitch McCroy

Mitch was this guy who sat next to me in freshman homeroom. I guess he was my first friend in high school. He ran for freshman class president and lost big. Actually, that might not be true. I don't remember a lot of details from freshman year and that's a damn shame. What I do remember, though, is the Mitch McCroy Special.

(cue "Stay" by Jackson Browne)

Sophomore year, whenever Katie and I would go to the Elmwood Regal to catch a movie, he'd be there, working the concession stand. "One Mitch McCroy Special," I'd say, and he'd get right to work... one large popcorn, one large iced tea, one thing of movie candy--all for 75 cents, the price of extra butter. Regal Cinemas never caught on. In fact, they promoted him to manager. I know it's a silly thing to remember, but to me... that was high school. That was real. Just one guy saying "Screw you" to the man in the tie and "Here ya go" to two crazy kids just looking for a good time and some mostly free food.

God, I love America.

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