Monday, December 29, 2008
Rob and I make no bones about the fact that we dig each other's moves/style/general "je ne sais quoi". 'Bout time we quantified it, eh?!
15. Top 7 Reasons Not to Vote
This brings me joy because in my little heart of hearts, I like to think that maybe some dumb people read this and decided not to vote.
14. Top 14 Tramps and Whether or Not They Are Like Us
This brings me joy because it is the second hobo-focused post on our site, it trashes prog-rock, and it contains the sentences, "The official way to generate nicknames for us tramps is by using your home state as your first name. Take it from us, Minnesota Trump and New York Mende-Siedlecki."
13. Top 18 Micronations
This brings me joy because I can easily imagine the gleeful smile on Rob's face that resulted from Wikipedia-ing "micronations". (Also, he makes a sweet Sidd Finch reference and kicks libertarians in the pants a few times!)
12. Top 6 Screenplays I Wish I Had Written
This brings me joy because it reminds me that Rob is still sore over the Merkin Muffley exclusion, but more importantly, because it reminds me that my co-list-blogger has excellent taste.
11. Top 5 Reasons Why We Are Not Currently Winning Any Blogger's Choice Awards
This brings me joy because it shows Rob's berserker-rage hatred of cystic fibrosis and the people who blog about it. Also, he makes reference to a fictional rash that I had.
10. 7 Graphs Against "Amount of Pages I Have Written"
This brings me joy because this list gave us our single-day high for page views. Thanks finals, Google Analytics, and Rob Trump!
9. Top 11 Birthdays Today, August 12th
This brings me joy because it is ineffably sweet. Okay, the sweetness of this list is actually pretty effable. Okay, this got weird.
8. The 15 Minnesota-est Songs, on a Minnesota Music Mix I Made
This brings me joy because Rob Trump is the kind of dedicated list-bloodhound who a) makes a sweet Minnesota Music Mix, b) tracks down all the songs, c) puts the mix on Megaupload, d) writes so goddamn well about it, and finally, e) chooses to end the mix with Morris Day and the mothafuckin' Time!
7. Top 8 Children Who Were Left Behind
This brings me joy because Rob makes the greatest pun about his butt in this list, and also he drops a train on Corey Hart.
6. Top 14 State Capitals That You Have Uselessly Memorized
This brings me joy because Rob is a master of running joke-progressions on so many levels simultaneously. Also, this list is entirely composed of truth.
5. Top 25 Meatbones
This brings me joy because it proves that Rob Trump follows through, like a genius knight of the first rank.
4. Top 31 Things that Peter and I Go Together Like
This brings me joy because it's (half) about me and it's (easily) the gayest thing on our site. AND I MEAN THAT IN THE BEST GOOD WAY.
3. Top 7 Worst Examples of Modern Satire
This brings me joy because there is nothing like a Trump Rant to sufficiently dress down a piece of pop culture. When a smart person is angry, I like to make popcorn and watch. This quote is classic Trump (and it has more libertarian jabs!!!): "Look, South Park makes me laugh. Sometimes. But it isn't an eye of sanity trained on the ridiculousness of our lives. It's a poop joke with impersonations of politicians thrown in. And its creators are loony libertarians."
2. Top 9 Funniest Wikipedia Pages to Replace With a Blank Page and a Picture of a Gorilla Giving You the Middle Finger
This brings me joy because Rob is a master of the absurd.
1. Top 24 Ways to Tell that You Do Not Belong in Mensa
This brings me joy because it is honestly the funniest goddamn list on our site.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
(And please, if you think of more, submit them in the comments! You're our very favorite people in the world, don't you know that?!?!?!)
10. fury + 'r' = furry
As in, "Oh man, aw jeez, I am so full of furry right now!" Okay. Think about it. Did this person eat a Furry? Is this person currently (as in, right this second) sleeping with a Furry? IS THIS PERSON DOING BOTH OF THOSE THING OH GROSS GROSS GROSS!
9. shark + 's' = sharks
I am not suggesting that a singular shark would not be terrifying. However, the baldfaced truth is that multiple, perhaps even many sharks would be much, much more terrifying.
8. hosts + 'g' = ghosts
Like, what about this one: "Thanks for having us over for dinner, you and your wife are such lovely GHOSTS?!!?!?" Oh crap! In this story, my wife and I are dead and we are still having people over for dinner! And not in that, "Ooooh creepy we're having you for dinner but like, to eat you!" kind of way. (Although, to be fair, in this story, I also have a wife. Cool!) I thought that when you're dead, you don't know about it, and you make friends with kids and solve mysteries and stuff! (I actually don't remember what happens in The Sixth Sense anymore, I just know the semi-basics.)
7. chaste - 't' = chase
There is probably some sort of saying about this, like... "Seven drinks in the face will turn chaste into chase!" I can do better than that. "If you have a carbomb race, you'll see chaste become chase!" Nope. "If you drink past your pace, you'll go from chaste..." Nevermind.
6. spin + 'a' = Spain
Three Dog Night wrote a song once called Never Been to Spain. In that song, the narrator goes on and on about how he's never been to Spain. There is a reason that he's never been to Spain--and even though we don't know this reason, I am not about to find out!
5. treason - 't' = reason
What if reason was an offense punishable by death!?! (This is where you get to say, "I bet it is, in KANSAS!!!" Then, we e-five. That's like when you high-five over the internet.)
4. monkey - 'k' = money
As in, "Oh, these days, everyone's trying to save monkey." What would that even mean!!!
3. breast - 'r' = beast
Two words: BEAST CANCER. It is when the cancer you have is a beast! Also, how about this one, it is from a novel: "She took off her silken top, revealing her two huge BEASTS!" NO! THAT GIRL HAS BEASTS UNDER HER SILKEN TOP! PS... I made that whole novel thing up, that was from one of Rob's erotic short stories. Rob, I have been secretly reading your erotic short stories. My favorite one is "The Girl Who Loved Sex (With Me)".
2. friend - 'r' = fiend
Hey, do you want to be my best FIEND! If you do, you are weird and creepy! Or or or, maybe you're trying to be my BEAST FIEND! That's even worse! STOP CALLING!
1. cremationist - 'm' = creationist
Like the shark vs. sharks debate, I will concede that both of these things are scary. But which of these sentences strikes more fear into your heart: "I just found out that my sister is dating a cremationist"... OR, "I JUST FOUND OUT THAT MY SISTER IS DATING A CREATIONIST." (Okay, me shouting didn't help.)
Tain't the Kings and tain't the Lakers! (Note: the Clippers are actually even lower than a taint)
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Well, I wanted to do lists on both, but it's Christmas, so I combined them! Jesus names in green, bowl names in red!
40. J. Crizzle
39. The Crossbow Bowl
38. The AggressiveDivorceLawyering.com Bowl
37. God Jr
36. The Boy Who Was His Own Father
35. The "Pat Digby for Finn County Sheriff" Bowl
34. Baby Bjlord
33. The Mole Bowl (in Division I-AA, the counterpart is the Vole Bowl)
32. Kid Christ
31. Lil' Ol' Hard-to-Kill
30. The Collected Works of James Fennimore Cooper Bowl
29. The Bergen County Tourism Commission Bowl (the Bergen County Community College football team is granted an automatic bid to this bowl game)
28. God-Tested, Holy-Mother-Approved
27. The Widespread Panic Bowl
26. The Fibromyalgia Awareness Bowl (an all-star game played by the best collegiate football players who present symptoms of fibromyalgia)
25. The Anti-Anti-Christ
23. The No-Turn-on-Red Bowl
22. Ringo of Nazareth
21. Dennis McEmmanuel
20. The Freemason Bowl
19. The Incarceratedmason Bowl
18. The Cadbury Creme Egg Bowl (previously known simply as the Egg Bowl, until it received sponsorship from the Cadbury-Schweppes company in 1996)
17. J. Herman Christ
16. Justice O. Peaceandlove
15. It Came From Bethlehem!!!
14. The PaRMLoT Bowl (actually just me and Rob throwing a football at each other when one of us isn't looking)
13. H.L. Mencken
12. Joseph's Little Hard-to-Explain Helper
11. The Original X-Man
10. Like a kid, but with superpowers
9. The Obsessive-Compulsives Anonymous Bowl (during this game, the first kickoff is replayed over and over and over until everybody gets it right)
8. County Executive of County Executives
7. "Gentle" Jesuford Heisenberg Christenbaum
6. Nathaniel "Savior of Nations" Graybeard
5. The Pappy Chang's Take-Out-or-Eat-In Bowl
4. The Red Roof Inn Bowl (Martin Mull is the head referee for this bowl game)
3. MC J.C.
2. The Halliburton Happiness Bowl
1. Tiny Boy the Fireshooter
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
All that being said, I am not glad to be driving on the roads of Buffalo right now, because it is like the least fun game of hey-my-car-no-longer-responds-to-steering ever. Also, that is not a real game. I made it up just now. It is NOWHERE near as good as the games Laksh made up/reinstated at a party last weekend. The Nose Game will catch on. It has to.
Anyway. So. This list. Some of my friends and I like to name our nights. What does that mean? It means that when we have a particularly amazing night, we give it a name, for posterity's sake. What are some examples? Well, there was The Night of the Second Wind, The Attack on Manhattan, and--my personal favorite--The Night of the Redeem Team. (During that one, Frank and I swam the Central Park Reservoir.) It got me thinking... what nights will I have in 2009?!!?!
12. The Night of the G-Train
On this night, we will vow, at some point, to ride the G-Train from end to end. Yep, from Forest Hills in Queens to Smith and 9th St in Brooklyn. This will be a terrible idea, made even more terrible by an impromptu decision to pose as an a capella trio. During The Night of the G-Train, it is exceedingly likely that someone will be stabbed. I am in no way looking forward to the night, but I am just going to have to accept its certainty.
11. The Night of Arbor Day
This night will take place on Arbor Day and will be pretty low-key, but in distinctly memorable ways. Pat will plant a tree, then Frank will cut it down, claiming that it was "a shitty tree". After that, we'll watch Little Shop of Horrors. Like I said, pretty low-key.
10. The Night of Ann Arbor Day
This night will involve taking a road trip to Ann Arbor, Michigan. We will pass through Buffalo, realize that it makes way more sense to just stay in Buffalo, and proceed to crash a million high school parties. (Please please please!)
9. The Night of a Dozen Tacos
On this night, someone will eat a dozen tacos. The sad thing is, it won't be on a dare. It will be out of boredom. Then, someone will get a phone call saying there's this AMAZING party downtown that we HAVE to go to. We'll go, of course, but the person who ate the dozen tacos will be extremely reluctant. At the party, they will excuse themselves to use the facilities every ten minutes--meanwhile, the rest of us will have a built-in conversation starter: "Hey, my friend ate a dozen tacos tonight. I'm so much less ridiculous that that. But enough about me, what's your whole thing?"
8. The Night of Giving Meth a Shot
On this night, Rob and I will try methamphetamine for the first time. We will write 145 lists over the course of three and a half hours. A little over half of those lists will be dedicated to either The Replacements or why I excluded Merkin Muffley from this list.
7. The Night of Herbert Hoover
On this night, I will offer a five dollar bounty for every time someone casually and artfully steers a conversation with a stranger to the topic of Herbert Hoover. Simple throwaway jokes don't count--you have to get the other person's honest opinion of the guy, even if it's just, "Um, shanty-towns are bad?" I will owe Pat $145 after this night. I will owe Frank cab-fare. I will owe Rami an explanation about the phonecalls I make this night.
6. The Night of the Long-Knives
Um, never forget? But seriously, like... never forget.
5. The Night of Bradley Whitford
On this night, we will meet Bradley Whitford. He will be everything we've dreamt and more. He will give us cigars and let us smell his own personal scent and he will shake our hands as men do. Then, he will make strange, off-hand references to "a meeting by the river with Big Snake" and he will disappear into the night... The Night of Bradley Whitford!!!
4. The Night of More Than a Feeling
On this night, I will say something like, "I have a good feeling about tonight... but it's, it's more than a feeling." From thence, legend will be born. All I can say now is that the next day, Rami will be known at Planet Rose as "that More than a Feeling" guy, as will Frank--albeit at The Gansevoort, The Natural History Museum, and later, City Hall.
3. The Night of a Thousand Stars
On this night, Tom, Caitlin, Laksh and I will go to "The Night of a Thousand Stars". By way of several wacky mix-ups, we will end up on stage, doing an improvised song-and-dance to the tune of "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?" (It will most likely be titled "Do You Know the Way to Tell He's Gay?") We will win so many award for this, if there are, in fact, awards to be won.
2. The Night of Zeno's Arrow
Frank has informed me that this is to be the Year of Occam's Razor. Well, to combat that, I give you the Night of Zeno's Arrow. (Quick recap, the gist is this: Imagine an arrow. For it to be moving, it must move to where it is, or where it is not. In any one instant, it cannot do either of these things, however, therefore, in a single instant, no motion is occuring. Therefore, it cannot move in any instant, so all motion is impossible.) On this night, we will keep changing our plans on where to go. We will stop-and-start many times, deciding to go to a) a bar uptown, b) a bar cross town, c) a bar downtown, d) a party a few blocks away, e) a bar that has free hot dogs, f) a club where there is ice or something on the walls, g) a bar where all the drinks a blue, h) Queens, and i) a different bar uptown. Few, if any, of these destinations will be reached, but a good time will reluctantly be had by all.
1. The Night of the Bowler
On this night, Pat shows up wearing a bowler. All hell breaks loose. End of story/days.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Top 13 Artists To Win an Academy Award, a Tony, an Emmy, and a Grammy--And Whether or Not I Could Take Them In a Fight
13. Jonathan Tunick (1938- )
Jonathan Tunick received his fourth distinct award in 1997:
Academy Award - 1977 : Best Music, Original Song Score and Its Adaptation or Best Adaptation Score - A Little Night Music, Emmy Award - 1982 : Outstanding Achievement in Music Direction - Night of 100 Stars, Grammy Award - 1988 : Best Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocals - "No One Is Alone", Cleo Laine, Tony Award - 1997 : Best Orchestrations - Titanic
COULD I TAKE HIM?: Yes. Like, so easily. Right, left, right... done.
12. Helen Hayes (1900-1993)
Helen Hayes received her fourth distinct award in 1976:
Academy Award - 1932 : Best Actress in a Leading Role - The Sin of Madelon Claudet, Emmy Award - 1953 : Best Actress - Not A Chance (Schlitz Playhouse), Grammy Award - 1976 : Best Spoken Word Recording - Great American Documents, Tony Award - 1947 : Best Actress, Dramatic - Happy Birthday
COULD I TAKE HER?: I feel like I shouldn't? I mean, she won an award for something called "Happy Birthday"--punching her would be like punching the Easter Bunny. Sure, you'd get some free candy, but you'd hate yourself for it afterwards.
11. Andrew Lloyd Webber (1948- )
Academy Award - 1996 : Best Music, Original Song - "You Must Love Me" from Evita, International Emmy Award - 2001 : Performing Arts - Jesus Christ Superstar, Grammy Award - 1980 : Best Cast Show Album - Evita, Tony Award - 1980 : Best Original Score - Evita
COULD I TAKE HIM?: With absolute pleasure. I'd sell tickets and Tim Rice would be sitting front row.
10. Marvin Hamlisch (1944- )
Marvin Hamlisch received his fourth distinct award in 1995:
Academy Award - 1973: Best Music, Original Dramatic Score - The Way We Were, Emmy Award - 1995 : Outstanding Individual Achievement in Music Direction - Barbra Streisand: The Concert, Grammy Award - 1974: Song Of The Year - The Way We Were, Tony Award - 1976 : Best Musical Score - A Chorus Line
COULD I TAKE HIM?: I feel like Marv has a pretty decent reach on him. That said, I feel like he only wins with Babs on his side. One on one, this is a pretty intense brawl, but I still come out on top.
9. John Gielgud (1904-2000)
John Gielgud received his fourth distinct award in 1991:
Academy Award - 1981 : Best Actor in a Supporting Role - Arthur, Emmy Award - 1991 : Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Special - Summer's Lease, Grammy Award - 1979 : Best Spoken Word Documentary or Drama - Ages of Man, Tony Award - 1961 : Best Director of a Drama - Big Fish, Little Fish
COULD I TAKE HIM?: I would respectfully decline, treat him to tea, and then bash him in the face with the kettle. Eat it, Brits!
8. Audrey Hepburn (1929-1993)
Audrey Hepburn received her fourth distinct award in 1994:
Academy Award - 1953 : Best Actress in a Leading Role - Roman Holiday, Emmy Award - 1993 : Outstanding Individual Achievement, Informational Programming - Gardens of the World with Audrey Hepburn, Grammy Award - 1994 : Best Spoken Word Album for Children - Audrey Hepburn's Enchanted Tales, Tony Award - 1954 : Best Actress in a Drama - Ondine
COULD I TAKE HER?: To dinner, yes. In a fight... oh jeez, that would be breaking, like, thirty rules. Still though, I bet A-Hep's a scrapper (nails, heels, skinny cigarettes, etc.). One arm tied behind my back would make it a fair fight--which I would win.
7. Rita Moreno (1931- )
Rita Moreno received her fourth distinct award in 1977:
Academy Award - 1961 : Best Actress in a Supporting Role - West Side Story, Emmy Award - 1977 : Outstanding Continuing or Single Performance by a Supporting Actress in Variety or Music - The Muppet Show, Grammy Award - 1972 : Best Recording For Children - The Electric Company, Tony Award - 1975 : Best Featured or Supporting Actress in a Play - The Ritz
COULD I TAKE HER?: I actually don't think so. "A boy like that will kill your brother!" Except more like, a girl like this will kill your face.
6. Whoopi Goldberg (1955- )
Academy Award - 1990 : Best Supporting Actress, Ghost, Daytime Emmy Award - 2002 : Outstanding Special Class Special - Beyond Tara: The Extraordinary Life of Hattie McDaniel (Host), Grammy Award - 1985 : Best Comedy Recording - Whoopi Goldberg--Original Broadway Show Recording, Tony Award - 2002 : Best Musical - Thoroughly Modern Millie (Co-Producer)
COULD I TAKE HER?: One shot and down. It's Hollywood's least-kept secret--Whoopi has a glass jaw.
5. Liza Minnelli (1946- )
Academy Award - 1972 : Best Actress in a Leading Role - Cabaret, Emmy Award - 1973 : Outstanding Single Program - Variety and Popular Music - Singer Presents Liza with a 'Z', Grammy Award - 1990 : Special Grammy Award, Grammy Legend Awards.Tony Award - 1965 : Best Actress (Musical) - Flora the Red Menace
COULD I TAKE HER?: Um, obviously not. We all know about the David Gest spousal abuse charges. This is one train I don't want to step in front of.
4. Mel Brooks (1926- )
Mel Brooks received his fourth distinct award in June, 2001:
Academy Award - 1968 : Best Writing, Story and Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen - The Producers, Emmy Award - 1997 : Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series - Mad About You, Grammy Award - 1998 : Best Spoken Comedy Album - The 2000 Year Old Man In The Year 2000, Tony Award - 2001 : Best Book of a Musical - The Producers
COULD I TAKE HIM?: In actuality, yes. But I'm sure he’d sling some wicked barbs at me as he popped both hips back into place.
3. Mike Nichols (1931- )
Mike Nichols received his fourth distinct award in November, 2001:
Academy Award - 1967 : Best Director - The Graduate, Emmy Award - 2001 : Outstanding Directing for a Miniseries, Movie or a Special - Wit, Grammy Award - 1961 : Best Comedy Performance - An Evening With Mike Nichols And Elaine May, Tony Award - 1964 : Best Director, Dramatic - Barefoot in the Park
COULD I TAKE HIM?: Mike Nichols has been asking for it for years. Therefore, I will give it to him. Anytime, anyplace, I will knock Mike Nichols on his ass. He can name the location, he can pick the weapons--I guarantee that I will F his S up. I will straight-up lay him down on the ground and make him wish he never even met Elaine May. Mike Nichols is a fucking dead man, end of story.
2. Barbra Streisand (1942- )
Academy Award - 1968 : Best Actress in a Leading Role - Funny Girl, Emmy Award - 1965 : Outstanding Individual Achievements in Entertainment - Actors and Performers - My Name is Barbra, Grammy Award - 1963 : Best Vocal Performance, Female - The Barbra Streisand Album, Tony Award - 1970 : Special Tony Award
COULD I TAKE HER?: Dear Lord, no.
1. Richard Rodgers (1902-1979)
Richard Rodgers received his fourth distinct award in 1962:
Academy Award - 1945 : Best Song - "It Might As Well Be Spring" from State Fair, Emmy Award - 1962 : Outstanding Achievement in Original Music Composed - Winston Churchill-The Valiant Years, Grammy Award - 1960 : Best Show Album (Original Cast) - The Sound of Music, Tony Award - 1950 : Best Musical - South Pacific
COULD I TAKE HIM?: Come on... I could never raise arms against a fellow Columbian. This is a draw, through and through. (Although Hammerstein better watch the frig out.)