The other night, I had the most ridiculous dream. In the dream, if you misheard things, they automatically came true. THE WEIRDEST, RIGHT? Well, it inspired this list.
(And please, if you think of more, submit them in the comments! You're our very favorite people in the world, don't you know that?!?!?!)
10. fury + 'r' = furry
As in, "Oh man, aw jeez, I am so full of furry right now!" Okay. Think about it. Did this person eat a Furry? Is this person currently (as in, right this second) sleeping with a Furry? IS THIS PERSON DOING BOTH OF THOSE THING OH GROSS GROSS GROSS!
9. shark + 's' = sharks
I am not suggesting that a singular shark would not be terrifying. However, the baldfaced truth is that multiple, perhaps even many sharks would be much, much more terrifying.
8. hosts + 'g' = ghosts
Like, what about this one: "Thanks for having us over for dinner, you and your wife are such lovely GHOSTS?!!?!?" Oh crap! In this story, my wife and I are dead and we are still having people over for dinner! And not in that, "Ooooh creepy we're having you for dinner but like, to eat you!" kind of way. (Although, to be fair, in this story, I also have a wife. Cool!) I thought that when you're dead, you don't know about it, and you make friends with kids and solve mysteries and stuff! (I actually don't remember what happens in The Sixth Sense anymore, I just know the semi-basics.)
7. chaste - 't' = chase
There is probably some sort of saying about this, like... "Seven drinks in the face will turn chaste into chase!" I can do better than that. "If you have a carbomb race, you'll see chaste become chase!" Nope. "If you drink past your pace, you'll go from chaste..." Nevermind.
6. spin + 'a' = Spain
Three Dog Night wrote a song once called Never Been to Spain. In that song, the narrator goes on and on about how he's never been to Spain. There is a reason that he's never been to Spain--and even though we don't know this reason, I am not about to find out!
5. treason - 't' = reason
What if reason was an offense punishable by death!?! (This is where you get to say, "I bet it is, in KANSAS!!!" Then, we e-five. That's like when you high-five over the internet.)
4. monkey - 'k' = money
As in, "Oh, these days, everyone's trying to save monkey." What would that even mean!!!
3. breast - 'r' = beast
Two words: BEAST CANCER. It is when the cancer you have is a beast! Also, how about this one, it is from a novel: "She took off her silken top, revealing her two huge BEASTS!" NO! THAT GIRL HAS BEASTS UNDER HER SILKEN TOP! PS... I made that whole novel thing up, that was from one of Rob's erotic short stories. Rob, I have been secretly reading your erotic short stories. My favorite one is "The Girl Who Loved Sex (With Me)".
2. friend - 'r' = fiend
Hey, do you want to be my best FIEND! If you do, you are weird and creepy! Or or or, maybe you're trying to be my BEAST FIEND! That's even worse! STOP CALLING!
1. cremationist - 'm' = creationist
Like the shark vs. sharks debate, I will concede that both of these things are scary. But which of these sentences strikes more fear into your heart: "I just found out that my sister is dating a cremationist"... OR, "I JUST FOUND OUT THAT MY SISTER IS DATING A CREATIONIST." (Okay, me shouting didn't help.)