Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The Top 12 Nights I Will Have in 2009

I, too, have gone home for break, but that doesn't mean that I'm taking it easy, list-wise. I would have followed up Rob's list with the Top 11 Reasons I'm Glad To Be Home in Buffalo, but it would have been shockingly similar. I like the cold, my family are nice, Happy Holidays is lame etc. (Also, substitute "Record Theater" for "The Electric Fetus" and "a light rail that only goes in one straight line" for "the Skyway", and you've got the independent record store and novelty form of transportation aspects down.)

All that being said, I am not glad to be driving on the roads of Buffalo right now, because it is like the least fun game of hey-my-car-no-longer-responds-to-steering ever. Also, that is not a real game. I made it up just now. It is NOWHERE near as good as the games Laksh made up/reinstated at a party last weekend. The Nose Game will catch on. It has to.

Anyway. So. This list. Some of my friends and I like to name our nights. What does that mean? It means that when we have a particularly amazing night, we give it a name, for posterity's sake. What are some examples? Well, there was The Night of the Second Wind, The Attack on Manhattan, and--my personal favorite--The Night of the Redeem Team. (During that one, Frank and I swam the Central Park Reservoir.) It got me thinking... what nights will I have in 2009?!!?!

12. The Night of the G-Train
On this night, we will vow, at some point, to ride the G-Train from end to end. Yep, from Forest Hills in Queens to Smith and 9th St in Brooklyn. This will be a terrible idea, made even more terrible by an impromptu decision to pose as an a capella trio. During The Night of the G-Train, it is exceedingly likely that someone will be stabbed. I am in no way looking forward to the night, but I am just going to have to accept its certainty.

11. The Night of Arbor Day
This night will take place on Arbor Day and will be pretty low-key, but in distinctly memorable ways. Pat will plant a tree, then Frank will cut it down, claiming that it was "a shitty tree". After that, we'll watch Little Shop of Horrors. Like I said, pretty low-key.

10. The Night of Ann Arbor Day
This night will involve taking a road trip to Ann Arbor, Michigan. We will pass through Buffalo, realize that it makes way more sense to just stay in Buffalo, and proceed to crash a million high school parties. (Please please please!)

9. The Night of a Dozen Tacos
On this night, someone will eat a dozen tacos. The sad thing is, it won't be on a dare. It will be out of boredom. Then, someone will get a phone call saying there's this AMAZING party downtown that we HAVE to go to. We'll go, of course, but the person who ate the dozen tacos will be extremely reluctant. At the party, they will excuse themselves to use the facilities every ten minutes--meanwhile, the rest of us will have a built-in conversation starter: "Hey, my friend ate a dozen tacos tonight. I'm so much less ridiculous that that. But enough about me, what's your whole thing?"

8. The Night of Giving Meth a Shot
On this night, Rob and I will try methamphetamine for the first time. We will write 145 lists over the course of three and a half hours. A little over half of those lists will be dedicated to either The Replacements or why I excluded Merkin Muffley from this list.

7. The Night of Herbert Hoover
On this night, I will offer a five dollar bounty for every time someone casually and artfully steers a conversation with a stranger to the topic of Herbert Hoover. Simple throwaway jokes don't count--you have to get the other person's honest opinion of the guy, even if it's just, "Um, shanty-towns are bad?" I will owe Pat $145 after this night. I will owe Frank cab-fare. I will owe Rami an explanation about the phonecalls I make this night.

6. The Night of the Long-Knives
Um, never forget? But seriously, like... never forget.

5. The Night of Bradley Whitford
On this night, we will meet Bradley Whitford. He will be everything we've dreamt and more. He will give us cigars and let us smell his own personal scent and he will shake our hands as men do. Then, he will make strange, off-hand references to "a meeting by the river with Big Snake" and he will disappear into the night... The Night of Bradley Whitford!!!

4. The Night of More Than a Feeling
On this night, I will say something like, "I have a good feeling about tonight... but it's, it's more than a feeling." From thence, legend will be born. All I can say now is that the next day, Rami will be known at Planet Rose as "that More than a Feeling" guy, as will Frank--albeit at The Gansevoort, The Natural History Museum, and later, City Hall.

3. The Night of a Thousand Stars
On this night, Tom, Caitlin, Laksh and I will go to "The Night of a Thousand Stars". By way of several wacky mix-ups, we will end up on stage, doing an improvised song-and-dance to the tune of "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?" (It will most likely be titled "Do You Know the Way to Tell He's Gay?") We will win so many award for this, if there are, in fact, awards to be won.

2. The Night of Zeno's Arrow
Frank has informed me that this is to be the Year of Occam's Razor. Well, to combat that, I give you the Night of Zeno's Arrow. (Quick recap, the gist is this: Imagine an arrow. For it to be moving, it must move to where it is, or where it is not. In any one instant, it cannot do either of these things, however, therefore, in a single instant, no motion is occuring. Therefore, it cannot move in any instant, so all motion is impossible.) On this night, we will keep changing our plans on where to go. We will stop-and-start many times, deciding to go to a) a bar uptown, b) a bar cross town, c) a bar downtown, d) a party a few blocks away, e) a bar that has free hot dogs, f) a club where there is ice or something on the walls, g) a bar where all the drinks a blue, h) Queens, and i) a different bar uptown. Few, if any, of these destinations will be reached, but a good time will reluctantly be had by all.

1. The Night of the Bowler
On this night, Pat shows up wearing a bowler. All hell breaks loose. End of story/days.


El Gigante said...

I'm really grateful that I still get shout-outs on this list. Here's to the next night of legend (really looking forward to it buddy).

Happy Hanukkah.

Rob said...

Zeno's arrow is lame. Nice paradox, Zeno. We can all come up with something goofy if we start dividing by zero all over the place. More like Zeno's misunderstanding due to calculus not being discovered yet.

Frank said...


neonspecs said...

I have met Bradley Whitford. It was a pretty momentous occasion.

Caitlin said...

I have also encountered Whitford...alls i'm sayin is that if you bring him 'round the apartment, make sure he doesn't stare as blatantly at my tits as he did last time.

Oh, and i'm in for 1,000 stars :)