The Top 19 Things Your Dentist Won't Tell You

19. "I'm just not that great when it comes to incisors."

18. "Honestly, plaque doesn't bother me that much. I just like judging you."

17. "Floss is for little girl-men."

16. "Though I routinely sanitize my instruments, I myself have not been sanitized in years."

15. "I've won far more awards for my cat-juggling than my dentistry."

14. "I secretly take X-rays of my dental hygienists... because I get off on skeletons."

13. "Once, I cooked an egg in the autoclave."

12. "Once, I punched a chicken in the heart."

11. "You're going to die someday."

10. "I have this thing on my foot that just won't go away."

9. "I have killed far more men than mosquitos."

8. "My favorite song is 'Waiting for Tonight' by Jennifer Lopez."

7. "My office's toybox is full of garter snakes."

6. "I pull for the Toronto Blue Jays. In every sport."

5. "I am a world renowned scrapbooker."

4. "You know that song, 'Your Love'? Y'know... 'Josie's on vacation far away...' etc, etc. Yeah, I wrote that."

3. "I still use America Online."

2. "I invest all my money in Nuva rings and Pez."

1. "I sometimes confuse my wife's Nuva ring for Pez."

The First 10 Things I Tweeted on Twitter

So, I have a job as of late, which keeps me quite busy. So busy, in fact, that I have taken up "microblogging," where I "tweet" "posts" 140 "characters" "at" "a" "time." That's right, I'm using twitter. Follow me! www.twitter.com/getcialis4free.

As you can maybe guess from that name, my original idea was to have a Twitter account that was a fake spambot and make all of my "tweets" in some way about Viagra or meeting horny singles in your area or making money from home by posting links on Google. So before I quit that, here were my first few tweets:

1. hey there just thought i would let people know about some really great deals on name brand prescription drugs #iranelection

2. wasn't trying to spam there just letting those rebels know that i support their politics with rock bottom deals on viagra act now

3. michael jackson's heart stopped the way your heart will stop when you see how low our prices on levitra are #ripmichaeljackson

4. @aaroncarter7 love your work just letting you know you could be longer and stronger act now save $$$$ please her tonight

5. this shall be a twitter of news and politics and savings we pass on to you

6. just got back from going out and let me say our savings have just "gotten back" from being really good and now are really really good

7. @Viagra2Shop you are my arch-nemesis. my lex luthor. my waterloo. but god damn it if i don't love ya for it

8. proposed bill on climate changed passed the house but still no news on my proposed PILL on CLIMAX change act fast (you always do)

9. i'm not sure how much longer i'm going to be able to keep up this shitty premise for a twitter

10. if you who want to know what employed adult life is like it's like this: i just watched 20 minutes of how i met your mother bloopers

And so the experiment ended. But the experiment in LIFE and hashtags and character limits continues at www.twitter.com/getcialis4free

Top 16 Tranny Movies

Guess what?! A dear friend-of-the-blog Jordy "Tranny" Lievers is in town! In honor of her visit, we've compiled a list of the best tranny movies that I made up just now at work. It should be noted... true friendship is the ability to repeatedly call someone a transsexual and genuinely mean it in the most kindhearted way possible.

16. When Harry Became Sally

15. No Country for Almost-Men

13. Boys Don't Cry... During Their Sex Change Operations

12. Strangers on a Tranny

11. Quick (Sex) Change

10. Tranny Given Sunday

9. Girl, Operated

8. Tran

7. About a Girl-Boy

6. Monster's Balls

5. Trannyformers

4. When a Man Loves a "Woman"

3. While You Were Sleeping... I Became a Dude

2. Man Girls

1. Transamerica

Top 15 Other Best Picture Style Changes We Have To Look Forward To

Hey, some crazy shit went down re: The Oscars! I BET THE WORLD HAS CHANGED FOR FOREVER, RIGHT?! Like, for instance, I hear there are more changes on the way, SUCH AS:

15. The Tonys are now open to any random 'mo who yells loudly enough between 40th and 50th

14. The Grammys are now ten times more pointless

13. The Man Booker Prize can now be awarded to phonebooks and textbooks

12. Seven teams will play each other in the World Series

12. The Super Bowl is now fought with swords

11. The annual NCAA college basketball tournament has been expanded to include the entire National Hockey League

10. You can now only buy cats in pairs

9. Every dog in the world has now tied for "Best in Show", according to the Westminster Kennel Club

8. Christopher Guest has now officially written five movies titled Best in Show

7. The 1964 Best Picture has been re-awarded to Dr. Strangelove

6. The 1965 Best Picture has been re-awarded to What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

5. Grapes are now $5.99 a pound

4. A pound is now equal to two and a half shirts

3. Two and a Half Men is now being televised on UPN, on Tuesday mornings

2. A new day has been inserted between Tuesday and Wednesday--Glorvsday

1. The Oscars have been stripped of all their austere professionalism and are now, for the first time, a silly popularity contest that doesn't actually matter

Top 11 Suggestions of Things to Do with Iran

First off, I would like to talk about two very, very sad and important deaths today. The deaths of TWO MORE IRANIANS WHOSE NAMES YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW OH MY GOD YOUR MIND IS BLOWN AND LIFE RECONTEXTUALIZED. Actually though at least two probably did die in Iran if not in protests at least of old age so there.

In any case, and in all seriousness, we have all now seen that Obama is far too weak in his rhetoric and action to support fledgling democracy abroad. What more could he do, you ask? Well, let me tell you. He could do any of these things:

11. Nuke the fuck out of them

10. Fly planes over them blasting at 1000 decibels the sounds of loud gay orgies

9. Sell weapons to Iraq and tell them to fight Iran

8. Send a bunch of shirtless guys with their bodies painted American colors to yell "AMERICA!!!!!!" really loud until Ahmadinejad's eardrums bleed really bad and he thinks he has an ear infection

7. Declare support for the Ayatollah Khomeni (get Britain to do this also, and his head will explode)

6. Invade Iran for oil

5. Fight communists

4. Depose their leader and instate some outdated monarchial figure whom absolutely no one likes (credit to Ernest Hererra for this excellent idea)

3. Elect Ahmadinejad as President of America so he has to resign from Presidency in Iran (it's a rule that you can be president of two places at the same time)

2. Send Farrah Fawcett over there...OHSHIT I guess we will have to just send an actual faucet instead

1. Invade Iran on the side of Moussavi, then declare "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" after 2 weeks of combat

Top 1 Twitter Versions of Hamlet

Hello ladies. Sooo... I'm in a production of Hamlet this weekend, playing the character named "Hamlet". You could even come, if you wanted... it's Friday (8pm), Saturday (8pm), and Sunday (3pm), up at Columbia, in the Schapiro Hall Studio Space. (Email these folks to reserve the FREE tickets: invisible.theatre@gmail.com)

Anyway, I was working on a list titled "Top 14 References to Hamlet in Pop Culture" and I stumbled upon this, a retelling of Hamlet via Facebook news feed events. Pretty brilliant. But that was 2008. This is 2009. We are of the Twitterverse, not the Facebook-o-sphere. (What?) In any event, I updated the bard's classic text for even more modern audiences.

...with equally weighted apologies to William Shakespeare and Sarah Schmelling:

1. The Twitter Hamlet

RIP Old Hamlet (aka Dad)... looks like i'm gonna be back at elsinore sooner than I thought

7:30 PM Oct 2nd, from txt

Um... @queen_g, @claudius_rex Srsly? wtf...

2:35 PM Oct 4th, from txt

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHDSGSDFGFGDSFGSDFGSFFFF

2:56 PM Oct 4th, from txt

@flower_gurl Did u not get my letters?

3:45 PM Oct 4th, from txt

@my_sisters_keeper Have fun in France, doucher! PS Did ur sis not get my letters?

3:49 PM Oct 4th, from txt, in reply to my_sisters_keeper

@danes_best_friend Say what?

4:15 PM Oct 4th, from txt, in reply to danes_best_friend

@danes_best_friend Yo, meet me tonite upon the platform where you watch

4:22 PM Oct 4th, from txt, in reply to danes_best_friend

You guys, major shit went down. I'm all of a sudden feelin kinda revengey! (Is that a word... lol)

1:03 AM Oct 5th, from txt

@danes_best_friend Be cool, k?

2:19 AM Oct 5th, from txt

@claudius_rex @queen_g @flower_gurl AAAAAH I SO CRAZY LOLOLOLOL

5:52 AM Oct 5th, from txt

SOTD: "Suicide is Painless" - that song from MASH... actually, I dunno though, u guys...

3:12 PM Oct 5th, from txt

@flower_gurl You might wanna check this out: http://is.gd/nunnery, Spoiler alert... you'd look great in a habit

4:31 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to flower_gurl

HEY @just_polonius FISHMONGER!

6:24 PM Oct 5th, from txt

@rsncrntzNgldnstrn Why r u here?

7:01 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to rsncrntzNgldnstrn

@rsncrntzNgldnstrn Srsly why r u here?

7:02 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to rsncrntzNgldnstrn

@rsncrntzNgldnstrn I DON'T BELIEVE YOOOOOOOOOU

7:04 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to rsncrntzNgldnstrn

@rsncrntzNgldnstrn LOL u rly wanna know? I'm just so f*ckin tired of all of this...

7:07 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to rsncrntzNgldnstrn

AAAAAH u guys I have been a f*ckin chump lately... no worries, I got a sweet idea that'll change everything. I'ma make you proud dad!!!

7:26 PM Oct 5th, from txt

@claudius_rex, @queen_g, @just_polonius Busy tomorrow nite? The players are in town! SO EXCITED!!!

11:22 PM Oct 5th, from txt

@flower_gurl Girl, if u want me to calm down, u know what to do... lol

7:34 PM Oct 6th, from txt

OH MAN I LOVE WHEN I AM RIGHT!!!!!!!!!! 

8:11 PM Oct 6th, from txt

@queen_g WTF DO YOU WANT WOMAN

9:42 PM Oct 6th, from txt

@my_sisters_keeper Yo my bad...

11:09 PM Oct 6th, from txt

@my_sister_keeper Nvm you'll see. PS Btw no worries about your sis and those letters.

1:32 AM Oct 7th, from txt, in reply to my_sisters_keeper

@king_of_england Yo I need you to do a few dudes for me

4:22 PM Oct 9th, from txt

@danes_best_friend Attacked by pirates! Never even made it to England... home soon, shit is CRAZE

4:46 AM Oct 12th, from txt

@claudius_rex Hey hey hey look who you were totally not expecting to come back to your castle... see ya in a few

4:48 AM Oct 12th, from txt

@flower_gurl I know this is a lil late but... <3

5:21 PM Oct 13th, from txt

@my_sisters_keeper THIS SHIT IS ON

8:35 PM Oct 13th, from txt, in reply to my_sisters_keeper

I know I'm not the first one to say it or nothin, but u guys... we're ALL gonna die someday

10:05 PM Oct 13th, from txt

@queen_g LATER MOMS (i forgive you kinda...)

11:24 AM Oct 14th, from txt

@claudius_rex Peace f*cker!

11:25 AM Oct 14th, from txt

@my_sisters_keeper Srsly? F*ck...

11:26 AM Oct 14th, from txt, in reply to my_sisters_keeper

@danes_best_friend Yo tell my story, aight? The rest is silence... lol

11:28 AM Oct 14th, from txt

Top One President that Would've Been Aborted by Richard Nixon

1. Barack Obama

From the linked article:

“There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white,” he told an aide, before adding, “Or a rape.”

Seriously, Millie Nix? (That is what I am calling Richard Milhous Nixon from now on, by the way.) Like, seriously? Now, I'm not claiming never to have said something that seems prettybigoted in retrospect--most people have, I think--but implying that a black man consensually impregnating a white woman (or white man/black woman) is as bad as or worse than a white man raping a white woman? SERIOUSLY?

SPECIAL NOTE: I declined to include the possible second member of this list, as I don't believe that many people agree with my completely unfounded theories about James Buchanan being the product of a rape.