Top 15 Things I Will Miss About New York

I am no longer a New York City resident. This is how I feel about that.

15. Buying groceries at 4AM

This is as good a place to start as any. Maybe this was just me, maybe I didn't even do this all that frequently, but even really early on, this was one of the things that gave me that "Goddamn, I love this place" feeling. You're up too late, you need a soda or some milk or some soup or something, and you end up walking away from the bodega with a pineapple, just be-fucking-cause. 

14. Watching NY games in NY bars

I will tell you a story. Once, I was watching a Giants-Vikings game at Mercury Bar on 9th. The Vikes had the block on lock; they'd picked off Eli Manning five times. The old guy next to me had the craggiest face I'd ever seen, and he was hitting on the 20-something Emory grad next to him by talking about his ex-wife. (They were still close as close, he begged her to understand.) I'll never forget what he said after the fifth interception--"Fuckin' Giants," he goes, "Born losers." They won the Super Bowl six weeks later. People get down on NYC fans--too hard, too much pressure, too fair-weather. I think it's a different story. They want to convince themselves they're rooting for the underdog. Nothing wrong with that.

13. Getting to know people you've never spoken to

For us, it was Gutter Rockstar--a scraggly, ex-roadie-type who played his guitar (terribly) for all the street to hear. Or Pigeon Kicker--a guy who looked vaguely like Tommy Davidson and kicked pigeons. Or the guy who masturbated by the basketball court every once in a while. Or the bouncer outside of Mixed Emotions, the most poorly titled strip club ever. Or the Sam-the-Eagle lookalike guy who always took the subway at the same time as me, even when I was late, or (god forbid) early. Or those Bryant Park couples you'd always somehow end up next to... and you never go, "I'm sorry, didn't we sit together last week during 'The Thing'?" 'Cause that would have been weird! It's like being the guy who notices the live lobster pinching the passed out drunk's toe on the A-train, and saying, "Oh gosh, what has gone wrong?!" It's New York. Nothing has gone wrong. Don't mention it. If you do, it all falls down.

12. Running by the river

All throughout my six years in New York, the best bet was always Riverside. When I lived up in Morningside, I'd cut into the park at 116th and head down to 86th or so; for the past few years, I'd run up from 47th to 86th... either way, that was always my place. I never got a gym membership; the treadmill idea just didn't seem right. There is nothing in the world like turning a corner through a clearing and seeing the sun explode across the condos on the Jersey shore. Not even kidding. And sure, the water smells like sulfur and pain--the pain comes from Jersey--but there's just something so perfect about that run.

11. Those things you never really intended on doing

I never went to the Statue of Liberty. I never climbed the Empire State Building. I never saw a Mets game. I never visited the Bronx Zoo. I don’t even think I went to the Central Park Zoo. The only time I was in FAO Schwarz was waaay back in 8^th grade. It gets easy to wear these things as cynical badges of honor, but that’s probably taking it too far. It’s almost more like, “Well, I haven’t been to the Statue of Liberty… but I can pretty much guess, ya know?” 

10. Adaptability

That's the thing about cockroaches, they know how to make do. Invent a new kind of Raid, the thirty percent of them that are immune to it will run off into some dark corner and breed like hell. New Yorkers--for all their anti-roach vitriol--are just like that. Our freezer door broke off, we jimmied it back on. Our toilet broke, we invented a way to flush it without the lever. They killed the 9-train, we all said, "Oh, okay." Buildings collapsed, cranes fell, bombs went off, kids got shot, we just turned the page and said, "Well, you know." Maybe this is not the best way to go about things, but I won't forget it.

9. The outer boroughs, goddammit

We had a long-standing and unfortunate dispute in my apartment about whether or not the outer boroughs were worth a damn. I can say, without qualification, I have had time(s) of my life (TM) in all five beautiful landmasses that make up New York City. I just want that to be known, and understood, and accepted.

8. Christmas

This is a horrible, horrible cliché, but it’s goddamn true. There is no better city in which to spend Christmas than New York. It just heightens every little emotion, every bit of cheer. It’s not just the iconic things—the Rockefeller tree, the mad crush of humanity at Macy’s—it’s dopey little moments… walking back from the corner with your Starbucks holiday cup, past the porn store window with mannequins dressed up as slutty elves… then, holding the apartment door for some mom carrying five thousand presents, saying your genuine-non-obligatory Merry Christmases, and heading on in, somehow thrilled that there are pine needles all over your too-tiny-common-room-floor.

--LIST INTERRUPT: ONE THING I WON'T MISS--

1. NYC Duck Tour Ducks

Oh Jesus, these scare me so much. I don't know why. I am not that scared of people in costumes, even big puffy, foam/felt anthropomorphizations. But there's something about that friggin' duck that would stand at the end of our block, almost daring us to pass… that just shivered me to the core. Anyway. I can’t say anything more about this or I will have nightmares.

--END LIST INTERRUPT--

7. How seeing celebrities never gets old (...until your friends start to get famous)

Nathan Lane’s regular order at Starbucks. David Hyde Pierce stalking Caitlin. Laksh making Judy Gold laugh in the elevator at BMI. The double-whammy of David Schwimmer and Noah Emmerich on Columbus and 72^nd. The party that evaporated to go see Rachel McAdams and Eric Bana outside the Barnes&Noble on 66^th. Tom pissing off Janeane Garofalo at the Wet Hot American Summer screening. And, oh man, the best one… running smack into Tracy Morgan on 50^th: “I’m so sorry, Mr. Morgan!” “Think nothing of it! Be on your way!” (As far as the parenthetical goes… I kid, I kid. Sure, it’s a weird feeling when classmates end up on magazine covers. But at least you get to pull the whole, “Oh, him? Yeah, I knew him” deal. Which is nice.)

6. Becoming a local at a chain

No one really likes going to Duane Reade. It’s too bright, they sell Valentine’s Day shit in December, and the aisles are arranged in the most arbitrary manner possible. It’s easy to loathe this part of New York living. But you guys, how cool are the Duane Reade ladies on 47^th and 8^th. Spoiler alert: the coolest. Like, cool enough for one of them to have been convinced I was Pacey from Dawson’s Creek. To be honest, for a few minutes, she made me believe I was. Oh, and how about the stand-up fellas at the Subway on that very same corner? Heroes. Heroes, all of them.

5. Being in love

As if “Christmas in New York” wasn’t too much of a cliché already. (Talk about heightening an emotion…) Being in love in New York is tough, because you’ve got to play up to a certain level. It is not, for instance, like being in love in Portland, Oregon. In New York, you almost have to get wrapped up in it, in this crazy, spinning feeling of there-are-eight-million-people-here-but-all-I-want-is-you, so-let-me-take-a-taxi-through-the-rain-to-you, I-hope-you're-wearing-my-favorite-dress-but-I-will-settle-for-anything-as-long-as-it's-you. It’s not too hard to lose perspective—this is both a comfort and a cause for concern. Joan Didion wrote about the boundless possibility of New York; nowhere is that possibility exemplified than in New York love.

4. Brunch

The New York City Sunday Brunch is a lazy, boozy tradition as old as Sunday itself. (Probably.) The reservation that you always eclipse by about fifteen minutes; the friends who will “definitely be showing up in like, twenty—thirty tops—we hope…”; the menu which is always some variation of the same damn thing, wherever you go; the bottomless Mimosas, which hours later leave you pleading for a retroactive bottom; the bill… AAAH, the fucking bill, which you are now too gone to pay sensibly, so you throw in $7 or $50—one or the other, there’s no in-between. Yes. Brunch. Unforgettable.

3. Stoops

Living on the ground floor of our Hell’s Kitchen apartment made the stoop an inevitability. And a glorious inevitability it was. Pound for pound, there is no better hang-out-drink-a-beer-talk-weird-to-strangers place in the world than a stoop. If that’s what you’re into. If not, I dunno, man. Try a library, I guess. I’ll be on the stoop if you need me.

2. The fact that every street has some memory tied to it

My dad and I were pulling onto the Henry Hudson and driving north up the West Side; it was like we weren’t even passing streets, every two hundred feet was just the beginning of another “Oh man, remember that time…” This makes New York problematic. It’s hard to run from your own story if every single intersection, every subway stop is a reminder of something that happened.

1. The fact that all my friends lived there

In the end, it’s always the same. The best part of New York or San Fran, or Paris or London, or Cleveland or Tallahassee, or Perth or Peoria—it’s always going to be the people you lived with, the people who became your family. You won’t find the moments on the bus tours. (It’s a sappy thing to say, but after six years, I think I’ve earned my sap.) To me, New York wasn’t Times Square or Derek Jeter or the Brooklyn Bridge. It was running down and back the 72^nd St. pier with Tom. It was every time Laksh cooed at that scene in Goodfellas where Paul Sorvino cuts garlic with a razor blade. It was falling asleep on Frank’s couch in a plate of Big Nick’s French toast. It was every “Jaws isn’t the name of the shark!” exclamation from Caitlin. It was playing snow-means-we-can-tackle football with Mike and Colin on the Amsterdam overpass. It was Rob walking over to McGee’s and saying, “Hey, what if we had a blog?” It was all the little things that could have happened in any city, but somehow meant so much more because they happened here, to us, now.

And now now is then.

Of course… there’s no law saying I won’t be back.

Top 9 Differences Between New York and L.A.

As Peter mentioned, I was in L.A. for a week and only got back recently, hence my lack of lists.  But my trip has inspired a list of its own--the biggest differences between New York and Los Angeles.  Hopefully this will help you learn a little if you have only been to one of them, or if you have never been to either!

9. They are in different states

New York City is in New York State.  L.A. is in California.

8. They are on different coasts

New York is on the east coast of the United States of America.  L.A. is on the west coast.

7. Their spelling is different

New York is spelled N-e-w Y-o-r-k.  L.A. is spelled L-A.

6. They have different populations

New York has 8,274,587 people. L.A. has 3,849,378 people.

5. Not only are the numerical populations different, but the people are different, too

Not one of the 8,274,587 million people who lives in New York is also one of the 3,849,378 people who live in L.A.  That is to say, there is no overlap between these groups of people (at least for census purposes).

4. Given only their name, their statuses as geographical entities are somewhat different

"New York" may refer to either the city or the state.  "Los Angeles" must only refer to the city.

3. Not only are they on different coasts, but they are also on different latitudes

New York is at 40 latitudinal degrees North of the equator. Los Angeles is only at 33 latitudinal degrees North (of the equator).

2. The roots of their names are in different languages

"New York" an English name.  "Los Angeles" is a Spanish name.

1. Their names mean different things

"New York" means "New York."  "Los Angeles" means "Los Angeles."

Top 10 Reasons Bruce Springsteen's "Jungleland" Rules So Hard

This might, I repeat, might, be my favorite Springsteen song. Here's why.

10. The inclusive “We”

Springsteen has flashed this sword before, to be sure. Let us not forget, “tramps like us, baby, WE were born to run.” He draws you in like an expert salesman, enfolding you in his bellowed third-person, denying you an escape to an anonymous existence in which you are not a Bruce Springsteen character. “We take our stand down in Jungleland.” It’s a battlecry, it’s a prologue, it’s perfect. Only The Hold Steady have gotten close to this sort of forced audience participation, and even then, you know who they bought their tools from…

9. The Barefoot Girl is easily the most enigmatic and engaging Springsteenesque heroine.

Come on… is there an image more inviting than a girl sitting on a car, drinking warm beer in the rain. It’s a portrait of ease, of carefreeness. And yet, of need. No one sits on the hood of a Dodge in the rain unless they want some handsome stranger to walk over and sit down next to them.

8. Phrases that you don’t recognize but totally understand

Oh, right. “Maximum lawmen”… “cherry tops”… “a real death waltz”. Yeah, I don’t get it. But I get it. (I guess that’s like, called poetry, or something.)

7. Clarence Clemons

Even if you don’t like the saxophone, you have to admit that this is the best, most soaring, most achingly passionate sax solo ever.

6. Suki Lahav

Those first 43 notes on the violin are the definition of iconic. You hear those notes and you say, “Well, guess I know what I’m doing with the next nine minutes and thirty three seconds of my life.”

5. Clarence Clemons + Suki Lahav

If you listen to the sax and violin interplay during the endless (and why would you want it to!) solo, you’ll notice the most fascinating instances of dissonance… in the battle of sax vs. violin, there is only one certainty—your heart wins. (It is like the opposite of Alien Vs. Predator.)

4. It’s set in New York.

And that is the equivalent of a good thing in my book. (My book is the Manhattan Island telephone directory!) No, for real. I love New York. I just realized that I’m going to be leaving it someday/soon/someday soon, and I am not entirely okay with the fact. This may be why I read the entirety of Netherland today.

3. It’s nine and a half friggin’ minutes long.

It’s basically a mini-opera. Not quite an operetta. An operettita. The short film version of opera. And honestly, I’ve heard it a million times and it still feels like it’s about 5:45. Six minutes, max. It’s that good. This song is so good it bends time.

2. The line “the poets down here don’t write nothing at all/they just stand back and let it all be”.

Aaaaah. I just… um… ya know? Like… just sit in that for a while.

1. Self-awareness

Honestly, despite all the trappings that recommend “Jungleland” for greatness, it could easily be a Meatloaf song. (Bloated length, plenty o’ bombast, E Street Band, etc…) This is not to damn Meatloaf. I love Meatloaf. I have Bat out of Hell on vinyl. I’m just saying there’s a reason no one karaokes with “Jungleland”. Maybe the same basic desperations and frustrations that fuel karaoke fuel the characters in this song. Maybe it’s simpler though… while Marvin “Meatloaf” Aday wrote about ecstatic flights of exaggerated American fancy bursting through the fires of hell and landing in a glorious cloud-bed of heavenly truth, The Boss wrote about people who had mundane, big dreams that led to beautiful, small failures. Springsteen knows what he’s edging on with his production values—it’s not too far from Broadway, musically or geographically, hence the “opera out on the turnpike”/”ballet being fought out in the alley” line. And yet despite the pomp, the solos, the wailing, the imagery… it’s a song about a boy who loved a girl but couldn’t stay alive long enough to make that love last.

Top 16 Good Samaritan Actions You Could Do for the Holidays

The other day, I lost my wallet.  I had used a Metrocard to take the subway uptown back to school, and once I was there, I realized I didn't have my wallet anymore.  I freaked out, cancelled my credit and check cards, and got a new school ID.  Then, I got an e-mail.  Somebody had picked up my wallet.  I called the guy--he didn't want anything from me, just to give me my wallet back.  I tried to get him to at least take the cash in it, and he wouldn't.  He just met me outside a subway stop near where he lived, handed me my wallet, and said, "Happy Holidays!"

This is seriously one of the most amazingly nice things anyone has ever done for me, and he was a complete stranger.  Most people I know wouldn't try to extort someone if they picked up a wallet--but also most people I know--nice as they are--wouldn't take the responsibility by picking up a wallet from the ground (which you know someone dropped by accident) and then try to contact the person.  With all that in mind and with a new belief in humanity and New Yorkers, let me present 16 things you might do for strangers this holiday season.

16. If you see a wallet on the ground, pick it up, leave the cash in it, and return it to its owner.

15. If you see a watch on the ground, pick it up, reset it to your atomic clock at home so it is more exact, then use a Craigslist posting to return it to its owner.

14. If you see a bike that isn't chained up, chain it up, then wait by it until the person who owns it comes back, then unchain it for them.

13. If you see a cell phone on the ground, pick it up, call the first person on the recent calls list, tell them they've won ten dollars, then give it back to the person who actually owns it.  The other person won't get ten dollars but they'll think they're going to for a bit and that will make them happy.

12. If you see a car that's left idling with its keys in it, take it for a spin around the block and then go to an auto body shop to soup it up before you give it back.  Soup it up with big rims and turbo boosters (I don't know anything about cars okay).

11. If you see a lone shoe on the ground, search far and wide until you find its brother shoe.  Then put those shoes together and sell them on eBay.  Then tell the person who bought them they can have them for free.  Then find the person who lost the original shoes and give them a hug.

10. If you see a small bird without a mommy bird, take the bird in and feed it until it soars on wings of its own.

9. If you see a glass that is half empty, fill it a little, so it's less than half-empty.  If you want, you can tell people that now it's half-full, but technically, that would be wrong.

8. If you see a tree whose roots have been exposed in a public place, cordon off the area with orange tape until the grass grows back in to protect the trees nutrient uptake mechanism.

7. If you find a television that someone has thrown in the trash due to a minor electrical malfunction that you can easily fix with your pocket toolkit, do so.  Then, before you return it to its owner, reprogram the television so it can no longer access QVC, because maybe the person knew it the TV could be easily repaired but threw it out because they are addicted to buying things on QVC.

6. If you find a copy of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode "Eegah!" on the ground, I'd like that, bring it to me, thanks.  No, it does not matter who the original owner is in this case.

5. If you give a mouse a cookie, deny him the milk.  It is kinder to be cruel in this case.

4. If you find a boomerang and see a person several hundred feet away looking for a boomerang, don't just throw it at them!  It will come right back to you!  Pick it up and walk it over to them.  Then throw it and it will come back to where you both are.

3. If you find a reason to live, share it with others.  Maybe it is good one for someone who is about to kill him- or herself.

2. If you find a man half-dead with no clothes on the road from Jerusalem to Jericho, bandage his wounds, pouring on oil and wine.  Then put the man on your donkey, take him to an inn, and take care of him.  The next day take two silver coins and give them to the inkeeper, saying, "Look after him, and when I return, I will reimburse you with any extra expense you may have."

1.If you see a wallet on the ground, pick it up, leave the cash in it, and return it to its owner SERIOUSLY SOMEONE DID THIS FOR ME!!!!

The Top 25 Things That Went Through My Head While Riding the Amtrak Train Home from NYC (With Minimal Commentary)

I wrote these in red pen in my little steno-pad while taking an Amtrak Acela across the great state of New York from NYC to Buffalo. After-the-fact commentary included!

25. Finally out of New York City, huh? Yeeee-ikes. Let's stretch those legs, huh? Feels good to be livin' free, out in the country.

Commentary: This is an emotion that only lasts so long. I guess you can't call yourself a New Yorker if you don't have those Oh-man-I-need-to-leave-this-rat-infested-island feelings every once in a while, but as that one LCD Soundsystem song says of New York, "You're still the one place where I'd happily drown." (PS: That video is ridiculous.)

24. New York is amazing! There are trees and lakes and I saw a golden eagle just now!

Commentary: I am pretty sure I was lying about the golden eagle. That's right, I am the kind of person who will lie to a steno-pad. (And also the kind of person who feels the need to come clean about his victimless lies on his blog.)

23. New York is big... and repetitive.

Commentary: Wow, don't hold back, guy.

22. I am getting tired of looking out the window. And sort of motion-sick.

21. But not because I am weak or anything! (But I should eat something.)

20. These cookies that Laksh gave me are awesome! Sugar cookies are better than I expected.

Commentary: They were seriously really good. They come from a secret bakery in Shaolin where people shoot each other over who gets the cookies--BECAUSE THEY ONLY BAKE SO MANY BATCHES PER DAY!

19. I don't know why I didn't expect much. I like sugar, I like cookies... what could go wrong?

Commentary: Um, a lot, if they're not baked properly or contain poisons. OBV.

18. WAIT. That's not actually a great metric (Good Thing A + Good Thing B = Better Thing C)... the perfect example is Coffee-flavored Vodka. That shit is a crusade against good taste.

Commentary: That's no lie. Alcoholic beverage manufacturers! Listen. Infusing things with other things is weird and shady. Plus, it kind of says, "Our actual product is maybe not that tasty, so we need to mix it with other tastier things for you to buy it." For shame, alcoholic beverage manufacturers!

17. Two people on this train are watching Unbreakable. Really? Two?

16. I'm not saying it's a bad movie, it's just... okay, I have this theory that there is a secret syndicate of folks who place this film high, high on a pedestal, above all others. To these people, I say... really?

Commentary: To be totally fair, it was on while I was home and I watched most of it. Sam Jackson gets on my nerves (not surprising), but Bruce Willis is pretty tight, which is not always the case.

15. Why are there no monsters in the woods?!

Commentary: To be totally fair, it would be totally sweet if you were on a train, and all of a sudden, there was Bigfoot.

14. The mile-high club is cool. The steel riders club is... unsanitary.

Commentary: I shudder to think what inspired me to write this.

13. Trains have the same effect on texting as alcohol.

Commentary: I think this means that I texted a lot of people while on the train... I think there's a confound here, though. It's not just that I was on a train, it's that I was bored. Boredom causes texting. Why am I analyzing this?

12. Everything on Amtrak either smells weird or strangely has no smell.

11. Madden 08: Cellphone Version is bullshit!

Commentary: Okay, this is totally true. On defense, all you have to do is set your players up in a goal-line stand situation ON EVERY PLAY. The quarterback AI is so shitty that he will always get sacked. Then, on offense, one out of every four hail mary's will end up in a touchdown. (Either that or run a fake field goal. Gets 'em every time.) Okay, so I expect a lot out of 16-bit graphics that cost me 6 bucks.

10. Train bread is clearly rubberized, somehow.

Commentary: No argument there.

9. Train coffee is clearly cocaine-ized, somehow!!!

Commentary: No comment there.

8. Five dollars for a Jack and Coke is... reasonable?

Commentary: Well, yeah, when you live in New York and it costs $7 for a watered-down V&T.

7. Some of my friends in Buffalo are getting married... I have opinions about this!

Commentary: It takes a turn for the worse here. It's not the drink, it's just that when you're on Amtrak for seven hours or so, you get a little delirious.

6. Maybe... I don't want to get married?

Commentary: I think marriage is a really wonderful thing when it's done right. Same as divorce.

5. No, no. Maybe I really do.

4. Or maybe I just want one shining knight of a child.

3. Or a whole baseball team!

2. Remember in Little Big League when that kid owned a baseball team?

Commentary: It's a phenomenal movie. Plus, they lose in the end! How's that for turning the cookie-cutter genre formula on its head. (Although, it's the Twins losing, so... that's sad.)

1. Oh, cool... we're here.

Commentary: All in all, I'd say it was a pretty productive trip!