Monday, June 29, 2009

Top 15 Other Best Picture Style Changes We Have To Look Forward To

Hey, some crazy shit went down re: The Oscars! I BET THE WORLD HAS CHANGED FOR FOREVER, RIGHT?! Like, for instance, I hear there are more changes on the way, SUCH AS:

15. The Tonys are now open to any random 'mo who yells loudly enough between 40th and 50th

14. The Grammys are now ten times more pointless

13. The Man Booker Prize can now be awarded to phonebooks and textbooks

12. Seven teams will play each other in the World Series

12. The Super Bowl is now fought with swords

11. The annual NCAA college basketball tournament has been expanded to include the entire National Hockey League

10. You can now only buy cats in pairs

9. Every dog in the world has now tied for "Best in Show", according to the Westminster Kennel Club

8. Christopher Guest has now officially written five movies titled Best in Show

7. The 1964 Best Picture has been re-awarded to Dr. Strangelove

6. The 1965 Best Picture has been re-awarded to What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

5. Grapes are now $5.99 a pound

4. A pound is now equal to two and a half shirts

3. Two and a Half Men is now being televised on UPN, on Tuesday mornings

2. A new day has been inserted between Tuesday and Wednesday--Glorvsday

1. The Oscars have been stripped of all their austere professionalism and are now, for the first time, a silly popularity contest that doesn't actually matter

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Top 11 Suggestions of Things to Do with Iran

First off, I would like to talk about two very, very sad and important deaths today. The deaths of TWO MORE IRANIANS WHOSE NAMES YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW OH MY GOD YOUR MIND IS BLOWN AND LIFE RECONTEXTUALIZED. Actually though at least two probably did die in Iran if not in protests at least of old age so there.

In any case, and in all seriousness, we have all now seen that Obama is far too weak in his rhetoric and action to support fledgling democracy abroad. What more could he do, you ask? Well, let me tell you. He could do any of these things:

11. Nuke the fuck out of them

10. Fly planes over them blasting at 1000 decibels the sounds of loud gay orgies

9. Sell weapons to Iraq and tell them to fight Iran

8. Send a bunch of shirtless guys with their bodies painted American colors to yell "AMERICA!!!!!!" really loud until Ahmadinejad's eardrums bleed really bad and he thinks he has an ear infection

7. Declare support for the Ayatollah Khomeni (get Britain to do this also, and his head will explode)

6. Invade Iran for oil

5. Fight communists

4. Depose their leader and instate some outdated monarchial figure whom absolutely no one likes (credit to Ernest Hererra for this excellent idea)

3. Elect Ahmadinejad as President of America so he has to resign from Presidency in Iran (it's a rule that you can be president of two places at the same time)

2. Send Farrah Fawcett over there...OHSHIT I guess we will have to just send an actual faucet instead

1. Invade Iran on the side of Moussavi, then declare "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" after 2 weeks of combat

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Top 1 Twitter Versions of Hamlet

Hello ladies. Sooo... I'm in a production of Hamlet this weekend, playing the character named "Hamlet". You could even come, if you wanted... it's Friday (8pm), Saturday (8pm), and Sunday (3pm), up at Columbia, in the Schapiro Hall Studio Space. (Email these folks to reserve the FREE tickets:

Anyway, I was working on a list titled "Top 14 References to Hamlet in Pop Culture" and I stumbled upon this, a retelling of Hamlet via Facebook news feed events. Pretty brilliant. But that was 2008. This is 2009. We are of the Twitterverse, not the Facebook-o-sphere. (What?) In any event, I updated the bard's classic text for even more modern audiences.

...with equally weighted apologies to William Shakespeare and Sarah Schmelling:

1. The Twitter Hamlet

RIP Old Hamlet (aka Dad)... looks like i'm gonna be back at elsinore sooner than I thought
7:30 PM Oct 2nd, from txt

Um... @queen_g, @claudius_rex Srsly? wtf...
2:35 PM Oct 4th, from txt

2:56 PM Oct 4th, from txt

@flower_gurl Did u not get my letters?
3:45 PM Oct 4th, from txt

@my_sisters_keeper Have fun in France, doucher! PS Did ur sis not get my letters?
3:49 PM Oct 4th, from txt, in reply to my_sisters_keeper

@danes_best_friend Say what?
4:15 PM Oct 4th, from txt, in reply to danes_best_friend

@danes_best_friend Yo, meet me tonite upon the platform where you watch
4:22 PM Oct 4th, from txt, in reply to danes_best_friend

You guys, major shit went down. I'm all of a sudden feelin kinda revengey! (Is that a word... lol)
1:03 AM Oct 5th, from txt

@danes_best_friend Be cool, k?
2:19 AM Oct 5th, from txt

@claudius_rex @queen_g @flower_gurl AAAAAH I SO CRAZY LOLOLOLOL
5:52 AM Oct 5th, from txt

SOTD: "Suicide is Painless" - that song from MASH... actually, I dunno though, u guys...
3:12 PM Oct 5th, from txt

@flower_gurl You might wanna check this out:, Spoiler alert... you'd look great in a habit
4:31 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to flower_gurl

HEY @just_polonius FISHMONGER!
6:24 PM Oct 5th, from txt

@rsncrntzNgldnstrn Why r u here?
7:01 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to rsncrntzNgldnstrn

@rsncrntzNgldnstrn Srsly why r u here?
7:02 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to rsncrntzNgldnstrn

7:04 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to rsncrntzNgldnstrn

@rsncrntzNgldnstrn LOL u rly wanna know? I'm just so f*ckin tired of all of this...
7:07 PM Oct 5th, from txt, in reply to rsncrntzNgldnstrn

AAAAAH u guys I have been a f*ckin chump lately... no worries, I got a sweet idea that'll change everything. I'ma make you proud dad!!!
7:26 PM Oct 5th, from txt

@claudius_rex, @queen_g, @just_polonius Busy tomorrow nite? The players are in town! SO EXCITED!!!
11:22 PM Oct 5th, from txt

@flower_gurl Girl, if u want me to calm down, u know what to do... lol
7:34 PM Oct 6th, from txt

8:11 PM Oct 6th, from txt

9:42 PM Oct 6th, from txt

@my_sisters_keeper Yo my bad...
11:09 PM Oct 6th, from txt

@my_sister_keeper Nvm you'll see. PS Btw no worries about your sis and those letters.
1:32 AM Oct 7th, from txt, in reply to my_sisters_keeper

@king_of_england Yo I need you to do a few dudes for me
4:22 PM Oct 9th, from txt

@danes_best_friend Attacked by pirates! Never even made it to England... home soon, shit is CRAZE
4:46 AM Oct 12th, from txt

@claudius_rex Hey hey hey look who you were totally not expecting to come back to your castle... see ya in a few
4:48 AM Oct 12th, from txt

@flower_gurl I know this is a lil late but... <3
5:21 PM Oct 13th, from txt

@my_sisters_keeper THIS SHIT IS ON
8:35 PM Oct 13th, from txt, in reply to my_sisters_keeper

I know I'm not the first one to say it or nothin, but u guys... we're ALL gonna die someday
10:05 PM Oct 13th, from txt

@queen_g LATER MOMS (i forgive you kinda...)
11:24 AM Oct 14th, from txt

@claudius_rex Peace f*cker!
11:25 AM Oct 14th, from txt

@my_sisters_keeper Srsly? F*ck...
11:26 AM Oct 14th, from txt, in reply to my_sisters_keeper

@danes_best_friend Yo tell my story, aight? The rest is silence... lol
11:28 AM Oct 14th, from txt

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Top One President that Would've Been Aborted by Richard Nixon

1. Barack Obama

From the linked article:

“There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white,” he told an aide, before adding, “Or a rape.”

Seriously, Millie Nix? (That is what I am calling Richard Milhous Nixon from now on, by the way.) Like, seriously? Now, I'm not claiming never to have said something that seems prettybigoted in retrospect--most people have, I think--but implying that a black man consensually impregnating a white woman (or white man/black woman) is as bad as or worse than a white man raping a white woman? SERIOUSLY?

SPECIAL NOTE: I declined to include the possible second member of this list, as I don't believe that many people agree with my completely unfounded theories about James Buchanan being the product of a rape.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Top 3 Comedies I Really Wanted to See But Then They Got Kinda Bad Reviews

F the man, I still want to!

A theme of this list: how could this NOT work? One of the funniest, most transformative figures in comedy stars in a film by his even funnier, even more transformative predecessor. Okay, I admit that the trailer doesn't look amazing, but seriously, this is the convergence of two of my personal comedy heroes. I AM SEEING IT ANYWAY.

How the hell could this have gotten bad reviews, whether or not it was any good? It's got all the hallmarks of that nobody-actually-laughs-at-it-but-it's-considered-a-brilliant-comedy type of indie movie: it's written by respected and literary figures (Dave Eggers and his wife), stars comedy actors taking an unexpected dramatic turn (John Krasinksi and Maya Rudolph), and it's directed by Sam effing Mendes. Apparently critics think it's lame. I AM SEEING IT ANYWAY.

On the opposite end, this looks like one of those ACTUALLY funny, laugh-out-loud, broad but smart comedies based on the trailer. And, natch, it's helmed by the king of broad and smart, Harold Ramis. What's more, it's co-written by two of the Office writers responsible for a disproportionate amount of excellent episodes, and it stars Jack Black and Michael Cera--neither of which are absolutely amazing all the time, but when they get good material, they knock it out of the park. I AM SEEING IT ANYWAY.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Top 6 Things that are Great about the California DMV

The Department of Motor Vehicles in most states really takes it on the chin. It's a place that gets stereotyped as a bureaucratic nightmare with impersonal employees and inefficient processing. But when I made my visit to the California DMV today (to register a vehicle in-state and get an in-state license), I instead found it delightful! Here's why:

6. The employees were all charming and helpful

They didn't just want to collect a paycheck and go home--they wanted to help the people there. They kindly presented all of the people waiting with literature in all possible languages, not only the common ones like English and Spanish, but rarer ones, like Tagalog, Esperanto, and that language from the Isle of Man for which there is only one living speaker. They spoke calmly and encouragingly, and they even waived a fee when my card didn't work!

5. The forms were straightforward and streamlined

I only had to fill in the basic information of my name, address, and SSN once--their computers transferred it from the first form onto all the rest! Also, at the touch of a button, the employees brought up all my past motor vehicle and automobile histories. At the touch of another button, they brought up a CGI rendering of my mother's face telling me that I was a wonderful son. Thanks, DMV!

4. The lines were nonexistent

I was the only person there. When other person showed up, he was immediately teleported to one of the other DMV locations that was empty so that he wouldn't have to wait for me.

3. They took a great picture of me for my license

It looked so nice because first they gave me free plastic surgery to make me look more beautiful. I am now 1000x sexier than I was previously (and let's be serious, I was pretty sexy before) and I've got the license picture to prove it!

2. The drivers' test was completely sensible and weighted questions reasonably

Thankfully, basic and useful driving knowledge was weighted as more important than insane trivia like, "How much would you be fined if you dumped an animal out of your car on the freeway?" When I saw that latter question, I was at first worried, because I thought that I would be judged as a driver on whether I knew the dumbest most fucking worthless numerical factoid imaginable. But of course, common sense and the power of the DMV prevailed, and that wasn't the case!

1. I got free fireworks with my new license, nine hot girls there asked me for my phone number, and my three wishes were granted by the DMV genie.

Yeah okay the DMV is a shithole.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Top 5 Reasons People Love "Don't Stop Believing"

If you are a person, chances are you have been in a bar. If you have been in a bar, chances are you have heard this song. If you heard this song in a bar, chances are people started singing along. If you continue to be a person, chances are you sang along, too.

So... why?

5. The appeal to blue collar values

This is, in fact, a rock song. Rock heroes do not sip champagne or inhabit rooms unclouded by smoke. They cannot afford the early evening train; they are forced to travel at midnight. They don't even have concrete destinations... they will settle for anywhere, but more importantly, anywhere but here. They are everymen--city boys, small town girls--living in their Last Ditch Days, and for this reason, they are to be trusted.

4. The "boy meets girl" aspect

It's also a love song, of sorts--or at least enough of a love song to serve as the central narrative of the musical Rock of Ages. We pretty much abandon the city boy and the small town girl after the first verse, and if the following verses are to be taken at face value, their smile-sparked romance is a brief one. However, as the song says, these are people "living just to find emotion"--despite the brevity of their love, they have nonetheless achieved it. This is why we scream these words every time the song comes on in a bar. Anyone in a bar past 1AM is pretty much a passenger in the same boat--you don't stay out because you aren't looking for emotion.

3. The denial of finality

The movie never ends. The movie never ends. How beautiful is that? It's so so simple, but somehow it's a better approximation of the human condition than 95% of what else is out there. There will be victories, there will be tragedies, but there is no fade-to-black-and-roll-credits. No endings, just complications--good and bad complications. The song obviously chooses to spin this conclusion positively--since there is no "ultimate", there is always hope. There is always cause for belief. This is what you want to hear after seven beers and three shots. You want to be told that no matter what you have failed at tonight, this is not your last shot.

2. The acknowledgment of our brokenness

And yet, what is this quintessence of dust? Despite the soaring vocals, the driving piano line, what are we? Shadows, strangers... searching, hiding. We are not whole. We spend our nights in bars, searching for the missing pieces, and then, in the morning, they are gone. We are waiting for something that we know will not heal us, but we are willing to pay a smile and take the chance anyway.

1. The possibility of redemption

But as the song ascends towards the glorious explosion of its final chorus, we are reminded that every so often, things come together. Hope has its payoff. The city boy and the small town girl have their moment. Moments don't last, but you can still "hold on to that feeling". Somewhere between "Everything ends" and "Nothing ends", there is a kind of peace.

That being said, I kinda like prefer Asia's "Heat of the Moment". Though the cover of "Don't Stop Believing" on the pilot-cum-season-finale of Glee was pretty tight.

Top 1 Teaser Videos About Mini Golf In Brooklyn

GUYS! This is a bonus list! As soon as I post it, I will get to work on my next one. But for right now, you better friggin' watch this important video about an important project being conducted in the important borough of Brooklyn, all in the important name of Sustainability!!!

Laksh made this and I think it is just swell.

1. The Putting Lot

The Putting Lot from Lakshmi Sundaram on Vimeo.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Top 24 Blogs That Were Discovered By Just Typing "[A Word Or Phrase Someone Thought Of]"

A couple days ago, Mike Molina and I invented my new favorite game. Just type something--anything--into your browser, then follow it by "" Chances are pretty high that it either exists or has been removed--and when they exist, they usually have a maximum of four or five posts, all of them in like 2001, and almost invariably end with "will write more soon!" The more you play this, the more it moves from kinda weird, to hilarious, to sublime. Here are some of our best discoveries:

Even better than the one beautiful post are the dozens of comments railing this poor little kid for "wasting" this domain name. They fail to realize that this is the best possible thing that would be at

I don't know about you, but I trust the good doctor Borkenstein.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if the brilliant ironies in a few of the sites (like this one) are intentional. I'll chalk it up as great art either way.

Sometimes it's a little clearer (but no less brilliant).

If only it would've worked we could have learned why the pants are so fancy!

At first it seems only pretty good. Then you see the username description, and you realize that this blog is a true great.


That construction sure is taking a while! I'm hoping for another post in 2009 that just says the same thing again.

Welcome indeed.

Seriously dude that is kinda messed up.

The top post on that. Oh. Oh God. Oh God.

I must ask about the name!!!

A serious case of title + first sentence = brilliance.

Is rapper.blogspot a truer rapper or punk.blogspot a truer punk? A question for the ages.

Hey! And...


It's so easy to join the club!

Boy > girl

This guy has ten blogs and they are all equally amazing. For instance. In all of them, he promises that he will soon tell me why his current target "sucks." I am 10x on the edge of my seat for an explanation that may never come~

This one just sorta speaks for itself...mayTbe. I really have no idea what it says for itself if it does.

While some of these are made better by having totally inappropriate names, this one is made better by having a totally appropriate name.

4. A mini-list of deathblogs

Mike Molina just kept finding what we termed "deathblogs," blogs of people that for all purposes seem to have probably died immediately after their first or second post. A selection:

Well at least we KNOW that person is dead.

Read every post on this one. A seven-minute piece of beautiful performance art.

I really don't know why this one makes me laugh so hard. It's just so...perfect.

P.S. If you find some gems of your own, post them below!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Top 8 Things to Do When You're Unemployed

8. Look for a job

I think we can all agree that this is the dumbest thing about being unemployed, and I'm going to skip it.

7. Listen to seminal mid-90s hip-hop while you clean your room

Similarly, I think we can all agree that this is the best. CAN'T KNOCK THA HUSTLE.

6. Surf Craigslist jobs, but cheifly looking for funny stuff

It feels so much better to realize that you are not as pathetic as some the people writing/taking these jobs.

5. Then seriously consider one of the ones you at first looked at because you thought it was funny

Oh, God. I might have even plausibly done it, even after I learned via phone that it was a 38-day never-leave-the-hospital affair, if I wouldn't have had to start on my birthday. That's right. The first day would've been my 22nd birthday. (TWENTY-TWO????)

4. Lose faith in everything and write a blog post begging anyone reading it to hire you


3. Ask anyone reading this to actually re-read that last one and take it seriously this time


2. Spill potting soil on a white carpet, put soap and water on it without realizing you shouldn't do that first, then borrow a neighbor's vacuum cleaner and spend an hour and a half trying to get the mud you just made out of the carpet

Guess what I did yesterday?

1. Read

You lucky bastard. I have already read every post on this website. But you--you are able to start at the start and enjoy every bit of brilliance within. Unless you have read every post. Then you're as fucked as me.

Top 13 Things I Learned About Moonshine This Past Weekend

I went to another conference this past weekend! It was hosted by Tufts University and it was just about as awesome as you can imagine a two-day neuroscience conference in a suburb of Boston to be. I managed to make one little mistake while I was there, a mistake that was well observed by some friends/colleagues--let's go the nameless route on this, eh?--one of which I ended up owing a list to, by virtue of her BoltBus beating my Greyhound bus back to NYC.

Anyway. Here's what I learned about one particular spirit that I purchased at a Medford liquor store for the now-understandable price of $12.99.

13. If it comes in a mason jar and isn't pasta sauce or jam... it is evil.

12. If it says it's whiskey and yet, for some reason, it's clear... it is evil.

11. If it smells like a combination of gasoline, nickels, and Bosnia... it is evil.

10. If you buy it as a "joke" in Medford, Massachusetts... it is evil.

9. If the cashier warns you against your "joke"... he's not kidding.

8. If the cashier looks at you stone-faced and says, "Dude. SERIOUSLY. I know you think you're funny, but just don't,"... he probably knows what he's talking about.

7. If you mix it with orange juice and it tastes like a Tequila Sunrise that threw up in its own mouth... it is evil.

6. If it doesn't burn your mouth at first, but then you feel your tongue begin to bubble from the inside... it is evil.

5. If it seems like the sort of thing that normally comes in a jug marked 'XXX'... it is evil.

4. If four out of five neuroscientists refuse to drink it... it is evil.

3. If the fifth neuroscientist chooses to keep drinking it out of a sense of duty... he is an idiot.

2. If after several rounds of Dirty Scrabble, the fifth neuroscientist decides to sleep on a couch... it is for the best.

1. If the next morning, the fifth neuroscientist realizes, on the bus home to NYC, that there are a million tiny, banjo-pickin' moonshiners dancing around in his head and that he wants to make like that dude in Canada with the machete, except he's going to cut his OWN head off... HE FRIGGIN' DESERVES IT.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Top 14 Pictures of Otters (With Vulgar, Incendiary Captions That I Wrote)

I am a fan of the internet. I am also a fan of multiplication. This is what happens when you multiply this by this, to the power of this.

"Psst, get a load of this jag-off with the camera."

"Go fuck yourself."

"I am an OTTER, not a fucking BABY!"


"It's 7 AM, I'm hungover as fuck, what could you possibly want with me."

"Oh, you think you're so fucking clever..."

"I was just born--are you fucking starting with me already?"


"Get used to it. This never fucking ends."

"Go fuck yourself."

"That's it, I fucking give up..."

"I will literally tear the face off your face."


"Go fuck yourself."

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Top 5 Things that Shakesperean Clowns Do and What Real Clowns Would Do Instead

So, I've been pretty busy lately, what with moving to a different city and all, but before I did that, I was finishing up finals and making some plans to write a list on the last final I took. It was a Shakespeare final, and I was concerned particularly with the Shakespearean definition of "clown" and how they are totally not like what any normal person today thinks of when they think of a clown. For instance.

5. In The Merchant of Venice, upon seeing his blind father...

...the Shakesperean clown Launcelot Gobbo tricks his own father into thinking that he, his son, is dead.

...a normal clown would squirt his father with a trick flower.

4. In The Comedy of Errors, upon being accosted by a fat woman who mistakenly thinks he is her lover...

...the Shakespearean clown Dromio of Syracuse rejects her advances and compares her body to a globe of the earth.

...a normal clown would shove her back into the car they both improbably came out of.

3. In As You Like It, in response to Rosalind's question, "Where learned you that oath, fool?"...

...the Shakesperean clown Touchstone says, "Of a certain knight that swore by his honour they were good pancakes and swore by his honour the mustard was naught: now I'll stand to it, the pancakes were naught and the mustard was good, and yet was not the knight forsworn."

...a normal clown would cover himself with mustard and fall into a pool filled with pancakes.

2. In Hamlet, when his recently-deceased skull is held up by the title character...

...the Shakespearean clown's skull Yorick does absolutely nothing.

...a normal clown's skull would start singing, "Dry Bones" and do a sweet little subdued dance like this:

1. In King Lear, when he must accompany the aged, mentally unstable title character to take shelter in a cave...

...the Shakespearean clown Lear's Fool will not shut the hell up about cod-pieces.

...a normal clown would not shut the hell up about cod-pieces.

Okay, he got that one right.

P.S. This didn't really have any place in this article but people who won't shut up about how they're afraid of clowns are annoying and lame.