Anyway. Here's what I learned about one particular spirit that I purchased at a Medford liquor store for the now-understandable price of $12.99.
13. If it comes in a mason jar and isn't pasta sauce or jam... it is evil.
12. If it says it's whiskey and yet, for some reason, it's clear... it is evil.
11. If it smells like a combination of gasoline, nickels, and Bosnia... it is evil.
10. If you buy it as a "joke" in Medford, Massachusetts... it is evil.
9. If the cashier warns you against your "joke"... he's not kidding.
8. If the cashier looks at you stone-faced and says, "Dude. SERIOUSLY. I know you think you're funny, but just don't,"... he probably knows what he's talking about.
7. If you mix it with orange juice and it tastes like a Tequila Sunrise that threw up in its own mouth... it is evil.
6. If it doesn't burn your mouth at first, but then you feel your tongue begin to bubble from the inside... it is evil.
5. If it seems like the sort of thing that normally comes in a jug marked 'XXX'... it is evil.
4. If four out of five neuroscientists refuse to drink it... it is evil.
3. If the fifth neuroscientist chooses to keep drinking it out of a sense of duty... he is an idiot.
2. If after several rounds of Dirty Scrabble, the fifth neuroscientist decides to sleep on a couch... it is for the best.
1. If the next morning, the fifth neuroscientist realizes, on the bus home to NYC, that there are a million tiny, banjo-pickin' moonshiners dancing around in his head and that he wants to make like that dude in Canada with the machete, except he's going to cut his OWN head off... HE FRIGGIN' DESERVES IT.