Thursday, November 27, 2008

Top 5 Entities to Thank

I had thought about doing a list of things that I was thankful for (hangin' preps no regrets--AGAIN), but Peter beat me to the punch and did a better job than I would have done, anyway.  So allow me to be the one to remind you that "to thank" is a transitive verb, and simply being the adjectile form of that verb (that is, "thankful") without any direct object is therefore unacceptable.  This Thanksgiving, thank something or someone.  Here are some options:

5. God

I guess I thought I'd get this one out of the way first, because it's kind of obvious.  God totally arranged everything, so if you don't thank Him, you're pretty much a heathen and committing all kinds of heresy as well as all kinds of suckage.  But the problem with this one is that you sort of also have to "thank" him for the bad things, too, because he's sorrta responible for them, and that's kinda hard for me?  "Thanks, God man, for the 110 dead in the India terrorist attacks" doesn't really sit too well.  So God takes place #5.

4. Axl Rose

This one kind of has the opposite problem, where instead of having to thank someone for too much stuff (like with God), you only really have to thank Axl Rose for one thing, which is for Chinese Democracy not beeing too awful.  Which, you know, you should probably thank him for.  But to be honest, it's not one of your best options for thankable entities.

3. Fairies

A pretty decent third way here is to invent a fairy-based religion with fairies that are slightly less powerful than God but more powerful than Axl Rose, so you can credit them with all of the good things but none of the bad things.  They are not responsible for the bad things because they are locked in an eternal struggle with the Mugwumpian eyebrow demons who cause all things wrong with the world and what the Christ is wrong with me for writing this.

2. Your parents, for having you

This is a pretty good one.  If you like life overall, and you're glad you were brought into the world, some good people to thank are the people who sexed each other to make you.  All of your personal happiness is basically due to them, and if your personal happiness is any appreciable amount greater than your personal sadness, then they deserve some pretty big credit for making each other pregnant.

1. Yourself

On the other hand, even though they made it possible, you are kind of the one who has experienced all your happiness, and figured out ways to funnel your sadness into a kind of sick happiness by doing things like making terrible ironic statements about God and terrorist attacks.  Maybe that last one just applies to me, but I'm sure there are some other ones of you out there.  Word up, brothers.  Even if it doesn't apply to you, I think it is pretty good to thank yourself for everything you have done.  For yourself.  Good job, you!  And good job, me!  For thinking of doing this!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Top 23 Things I Am Thankful For

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

23. "Hangin' preps, no regrets"

Haha, check the title of the list, nerds. 2009 is going to be packed with sentences that end in prepositions. The greatest grammatical rule ever is in full effect!

22. Instant replay

Here's the thing--I know people have this whole purist "it slows down the tempo of the game" attitude. Question: Which would you prefer, an honest game or an expedient game? Answer: You know the answer.

21. Internet in the woods

We live in the future! I am 50 miles beyond nowhere right now, the night sky is blacker than black, there are rumors of bears and pumas, and yet here I am, speaking to you!

20. Fireplaces

Though my ridiculous cat seems to think this is an awesome place to play? Memo to my cat: Dude, change your definition of "awesome", you have some serious misconceptions. Also, you have eight toes on your two front paws. Okay, that is awesome.

19. NHL Game Radio (also, when hockey announcers call jerseys "sweaters")

Not awesome--the Minnesota Wild blowing a 2-goal lead? What's the deal, fellas? Were you not aware that I was listening and that your loss severely affected my mood for like, an hour?

18. Edgewater, NJ (also, Warminster, PA)

What's up, 2nd most loyal city in the nation? That's right--PaRMLoT gets a robust 15 visits a day from Edgewater. Hey, everybody else--STEP IT UP. You don't want to end up like Peoria.

17. "(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding" by Elvis Costello

Awesome story. The other day, Caitlin, Erin, and I were watching the Colbert Christmas Special when Stephen and the gang broke out into (this) song. As Colbert, Feist, John Legend, Toby Keith, Willie Nelson, and Mr. Costello himself all joined in on the phrase "Where is the ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-armony," Caitlin looks at me and says, "Whoa, sweet harmony!" UM, CAITTLE, those are the next words in the song and you didn't even know it HOW SWEET (HARMONY) IS THAT. The universe was speaking, I think.

16. The bratburger from Hallo Berlin

On rye, with mustard and red cabbage. TRUST. ME. Order it with a Spaten.

15. The NRW stop at 47th and 7th

Dear The MTA, I use this stop all the time! It is so convenient and clean and great. The red glazed tiles on the walls make it feel warm, even when it is decidedly not. Good prize! Love, Me. PS: Seriously, the MTA. Love me. LOVE ME!

14. Frank O'Hara

If you have never read "Steps" or "Why I Am Not a Painter" or "Ave Maria", just go do it. Now. I'll wait. This list will wait.

13. TV online

Hey, DirecTV. You thought I'd have to wait until January to watch Season Three of Friday Night Lights. YOU THOUGHT WRONG (AS A CORPORATION). Thanks to some enterprising folks (read: criminals) I have been kept fully abreast of the goings-on in Dillon, Texas. Sure can't wait for the playoffs, and by wait, I mean "wait a few weeks", not "wait until effing DirecTV (AKA Die-in-a-Wreck-TV) says it's okay".

12. Heaven Hill bourbon

Cheap. Surprisingly non-lethal. Attractive red and gold label. And somehow holy?

11. The house wine at Columbia Cottage

I don't care if you guys make it in the basement, it is free and it goes with the Happy Family. Yesterday, my fortune cookie said I was going to meet someone who would bring me excitement and success! (I didn't add "in bed" to the end of my fortune, because I sleep on a futon, so that would be lying.)

10. Non-coin-op laundry

Item! It feels so good to not have to pay for clean clothes. In case you are wondering, I did this today. Am I bragging? Not gonna lie... a little. I think I'm better than you because I didn't pay for laundry this time around. (If you happen to own your own washer-dryer--AKA are some sort of Vanderbilt-esque robber-baron or a non-NYC resident--I am not better than you.)

9. Tim Riggins

Sometimes, you just have to ask yourself WWTRD, what would Tim Riggins do? The answer, usually, is take an indefinite absence from the team, drink heavily while helping out a friend in dire need, stare off into the distance wistfully/mournfully while your hair blows in your face... then you mumble, "Texas forever," and go win the big game. He has the best fictional life.

8. For once, babies, because I suppose we all were them once

This baby came over to my apartment the other day, and she was awesome. She didn't cry or try to steal my soul or any of that crap babies normally do. I was actually okay with the idea of babies for once. I'm gonna call that baby up and see if she wants to hang. We could see Slumdog Millionaire or something.

7. The cold

'Cuz if it's cold, sometimes you have to make your own anti-cold (AKA warmth), am I right, ladies? You guys, that was totally intended to be sweet and charming, but it came off as super-creepy. I am sorry.

6. The ability to ice skate

Because then you can go to the skating rink in Central Park and look the raddest.

5. The absurd

Theory: Most things are absurd, in some way. If you are observing something, and it's not absurd, then that fact in and of itself is absurd, because you've managed to escape the absurd for a moment. If the absurd is occuring, and you choose to ignore it and live your life, that's doubly absurd because you're allowing yourself to believe absurdity doesn't exist. If you come into contact with the absurd (which, as we've just established, is super-likely) and you just say, "Yep, that's absurd," that's still pretty absurd if you think about it, because then you're basically saying that absurdity is normality. Oh my gosh, this life is wonderful and heart-breaking.

4. Rob Trump and his wacky ideas

Thanks for following through on this site, man. We rant and babble and talk weird, but once in a while, I think we're geniuses.

3. The fact that we, as a species, got tired of being nomads

I'm in a house right now, not an outcropping of rocks at which I am making camp for the night, and it's a great, good thing. (I suppose apartment-living is still slightly nomadic, but I digress.) I don't wanna get into a whole thing right now, because it's late and cold and I have to cook a bunch tomorrow... I'm just taking a moment here, considering who I live with, both immediately and emotionally, and I have to say, it's pretty heartening.

2. The human instinct towards tradition

Like when Tom calls "Shots!" in my apartment and we all drink whatever awful alcohol is in the freezer, or when Caitlin starts casting the movie we're watching with our friends, or when Frank decides to christen the night we're having ("The Attack on Manhattan", "The Second Wind", etc...), or when Rob says it's a good day to get soup, or when Laksh communicates with me via George Michael videos on YouTube... these are the sorts of constants in my life that make all the other shit and absurdity seem semi-distant.

1. Change

Then again, Change had a pretty good year, too.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Top 6 Strange Emails I Have Either Sent or Received

Okay. Full disclosure. This is going to get weird. I feel like the less preface, the better. I own several Gmail addresses. This is because every once in a while, I like emailing my friends in character. In one of several characters that I/the people I live with like to play every once in a while. Yeah.

Here we go.

6. Gorilla Ted

Gorilla is a gorilla. He just showed up one day. He's learning, gradually. He calls all girls Claire, except for Caitlin, whom he calls Clairtlin. (And Laksh, whom he calls Clairshmi.) He calls all boys Ted. He mostly speaks in phrases he has heard or "read". This is a birthday announcement he sent out:

"Hey Ted/Claire,

It's my Bird Day soon! I'm gonna be years old. (I know, right? I'm getting up there. Algo!) Your can come too! We'll have cereal, we'll have trucks. With special appliance by mom!

What: my Bird Day

Where: house

What to where: my Bird Day to house

What to bring: the score (also snacks, slacks)

When: 9 clocks to "Question, Mark?" on my Bird Day

You could get me a washer-dryer, I've been thinking about getting one of those. You can bring Ted or Claire too, as long as it is a good time for them. Come read to Dan's and jump around, we're going to play Britney real loud. (As long as mom says okay.)

All my bets,


PEAS: You should call my back if your can comes!

PPEEAASS: Or you can write me an emily."


Shamps is not a well man. Shamps is also not truly a man. Shamps is a metal grandfather whose eternal quest is to inflict as much pain as possible. He has a metal mouth. This is a happy birthday he sent to Rob:






4. The Tiny People Under Your Feet

This is actually pretty funny. Slash horrible. Once, our friend was on acid and Rob and I decided to prank him by creating an email called and sending him something. Sorry Alex!



-The Tiny People Under Your Feet"

Then, later... this email to Tom:



The Tiny People Under Your Feet


3. Mister Moo

Mister Moo is the husband of Mrs. Moo, someone Caitlin invented. Mister is hypercritical and is always fighting with his wife. He loves America, and every time he and his wife disagree, they have a new child to end the argument. This is a birthday email to Tom:

"Hello Thomas the Red,

Even though you are a dirty not-good red-man, I want to wish you a birthday day, today. Thanks for being everything I strive to vanquish; it's people like you that make this country. Great. Why don't you come over sometimes and have a barbeque for democracy? Don't touch the missus, though. That's what I do. Did you know that? I fill her up with America's baby-children, so in case you reds ever try to take away our liberty and the national game, we'll beat you so hard, you'll be beaten. In conclusion, I think I make a great hall monitor because no one has ever tripped over the invisible hand of the stars and stripes forever.

Thanks for voting for me in the primary,

Mr. Moo

PS: I am serious about your birthday and it being a happy one."

2. Gerald B. Gerald

This is just absurd. Gerald B. Gerald is a low-level office holder who speaks similarly to Jesse Jackson and is constantly in disbelief. I think Rob invented this one. This is another birthday email to Tom.

"Dear, mister, tomrodkeen.

It appear, that, today id the day, on which, in fact, you were, once born. What a joyous, thing, to have happen. I only witch, i could have been, at the side, of your poor moth, her. Her eyes, streak, wit tears. Her hands, shaken, wit joy. Her belly, all empty, of babe boy. You. You were, that babe boy. As I say, what a joyous. Thing, is life. I could not, believe, that it could happen, so fat. The children, they grow, up so fat.

I also, could not believe, that you dint come, to my, funraise, her. Why, you were not, there? Don't, you believe, we can, do this, togehter? Togehter, we can make lives, a differents. Thas, my sloganto. Mottogan. I could not remember.

Oh no, the phone. It is rignging. Call back, when you are, a willing, to get serious. Like, I said. ENjoy, the day of, your birth. Peace, out, and may all, beings be, free.

-Gerald B. Gerald, low-level office holder"

1. Ron Shortsweather

This one is too good, because I did NOT create this one. I just started getting emails from him one day, and he won't go away. As far as I can tell, Ron Shortsweather is a businessman who wants to sell you exciting opportunities. He's married to Phyllis. When she gets drunk, she makes fun of him for never finishing college (or possibly attending DeVry). It's a tawdry relationship. Anyway, this is the first one I got from him.

"Dear Preferred Customer,

Have you ever wanted to be better at what you do or who you are? Have you ever said to yourself, "What is it that Johnny Hotshot has that I don't got?" Have you ever felt passed up by the times and left in the blinding dust cloud of your own pathetic mediocrity!?

Shut up!

I'm Ron Shortsweather and I've got just the product for you. I want to offer you amazing opportunity in the world of PERSONAL FINANCE/lunchtime. The best thing is you can do it without leaving your town!!!!!! First, a test. Of your intellect!!!?!!!! Where do you see your self in 10 years?

Here?: {{brokenlink: prettybeach.jpg}}

OR HERE?!: {{brokenlink: beachonfire.jpg}}

It's a question only an idiot would answer!!!! YOU'RE NOT AN IDIOT ARE YOU? GOOD! LET'S CONTINUE!!!!!

By apply my techniques and purchasing our collectible flatware, you'll be able to:









When an offer like this comes along, you don't just stare there! FACT!

But you're probably asking yourself, RON! What is "PERSONAL EXPECTATION ACHIEVEMENT"? Well. That's funny because I didn't even say that magical phrase to you yet!


Here's our secret (0.9% APR, 3-year lease, no money down, member FDIC):

I'll make use of an analogy:






No how


LOVE (all you need?)



Pope Antioch...

Each of them

Could read, but could




Impossible to say,











Early Aardvark

Nardvark (nards!?)



SO act now, and we'll throw in a free NOVELTY ITEM!!! These colors don't run, but these great prices will!!!!!,

Ronald J. Shortsweather,


Sunday, November 23, 2008

Top 13 Reasons Thanksgiving Is So Late This Year

The 27th? THE TWENTY-SEVENTH!?!!?! That's boosh. There must be soooooome sort of explanation? OR THIRTEEN, EVEN. (That last sentence was meant to be read like Snagglepuss. Even.)

13. Stuffing crop coming in a tad lean this year.

Also, the can-shaped cranberry sauce fields were hit pretty hard by a coldsnap. 

12. Miss Tompkins' 2nd graders haven’t finished their hand-turkeys yet.

Pilgrim hats and Native American head-dresses are right on schedule, though.

11. November is still hungover from Barack Obama won the election YAAAAAAY!!!

Yes, we mrghphhh... 

10. The over-commercialization of Thanksgiving.

Duane Reade spent a lot of money on its T-Day campaign and they are not quitting it until every last one of those plush turkeys and pilgrim-themed crazy straws is sold.

9. Need to tease the excitement of a Lions-Titans game a little more.

0-11 vs. 10-1! What a shit-tastic matchup! Kerry Collins might break the record for Yards Passed per Quarts of Alcohol Consumed! (Over his career, not one single game... Fran Tarkenton set that record after he learned that the Giants were trading him back to the Vikings.)

8. There’s a Termors marathon on.

You guys, I would watch Tremors any time ever.

7. Closeted fifteen year-old Guy Buckley totally meant to work up the nerve to come out this weekend, but saw Twilight instead.

We're all rooting for you, Guy! Also, we're all angry at you for upping Twilight's box-office draw, but don't let that stop you from being you.

6. It’s not. You just got punk’d by the calendar company.

In other news, wouldn't Julian Calendar be a sweet character name? Specifically for a supervillain. If anyone wants to start a comic book with me right now, give me a call. My phone number is 1-800-LISTBLOG. (The "G" is silent on your keypad.)

5. Baz Luhrman’s Australia, opening November 26th, 2008.

Also, Four Christmases, though.

4. Times Square.

Okay, this is a non-sequitur, but I have been pissed about Times Square lately, and earlier today, I was working on something, and I wrote this...

"The moth-to-the-flame allure of Times Square was frustrating, but it made sense. As fanny-packs and matching t-shirts bulged their way out of the 42nd Street subway stop, he was struck with yet another one of those this-thing-is-just-like-Life realizations. People come to Times Square because it's large, inscrutable, and promising. It's like anything people look forward to, any vessel of drastic change. It promises to improve and embellish upon anything you've previously experienced, to brush away everything that was mundane and simple, but when you finally get there... you stand around for a while, take a few pictures, and head over to the Applebee's. And the whole time, you're getting in the way of the folks who know better than to give themselves over to anticipation."

Okay, that was kinda sad and this item is a little bit of an overshare.

3. Stephen Colbert’s Christmas Special happened, people were like, “Fuck it.”

Remember when I was like, "Dudes, it is going to be great." CALLED IT.

2. Because I demand to play my annual Thanksgiving football game in the snow.

And snow means we can play tackle! Also, regardless of snow, the Vikings won today and everyone who knows anything was mad thankful.

1. Native American guilt.

Dudes. This is kind of effed, right? Like, I get it... family, football, turkey, cranberries, thanks, giving--all that. But, um, not to push my shit on you or anything, but let's not forget, ya know, the 60 guilders than Manhattan Island got sold for, and the Trail of Tears, smallpox blankets, and the Tomahawk Chop (PS: Fuck the Atlanta Braves)... There are totally non-messed up ways to celebrate this holiday, but that doesn't mean it isn't a messed up holiday.

Top 4 Reasons to See The Calgary Whalers Present: the Deck on Monday, November 24 (today!)

Alright, if you read this blog regularly, then you are probably sick as hell of me plugging my own stand-up gigs at Justin Grace and Mike Pullan's shows.  So I'll make this one (8 PM at Broadway Comedy Club, 318 W. 53rd Street) brief:

4. Sam Grittner, Shaina Rubin, Mike Grinspan, SMIRK, Taco Knight, and Alex Weinberg will be performing

Alright, some of these dudes I know (Shaina, Alex, Mike), and some I don't (um, the rest of them), but the ones I know are funny peeps, and I trust that the ones I don't know will be hilarious.  Sorry if I am giving these people short shrift, but I am lazy and want this to be a short list.

3. Justin Grace and Mike Pullan (the titular Calgary Whalers) will be hosting

First, I gotta give mad props to a couple guys that have invited me to perform at their show for the first time without having seen my stand-up, and then inviting me back twice.  Thanks a lot, bros.  Second, these dudes are funny, have a great double-act dynamic onstage, and are MTV stars to boot.  They will tie everything together in addition to making you laugh, so come see their show.

2. Fruit Paunch will be performing

The members of Columbia's improv troupe--Fruit Paunch--are across the board pretty close friends of mine, and one of them may even be my girlfriend (that's probably just a rumor though).  So an accusation of bias would  be warranted, but I truly believe that they are one of the most consistent, funny, and intelligent improv groups I have ever seen, and definitely the best of all of those for any college improv group.  So if you like good improv, come for Paunch.  Bonus: Peter, though now graduated, is a former Fruit Paunch member.

1. I, Rob Trump, will be performing stand-up comedy

YES THIS IS HOW THESE END OKAY WITH LOTS OF SELF-IMPORTANCE.  First off, thanks for coming to see me one or two times if you've done it already.  My performance today will be about 5-6 out of 10 minutes of new material even if you've seen me both times, and though I'll overlap some stuff you may have seen, I'm not going to double overlap at all (that is, anything I've done twice at a Whalers show now is OFF-LIMITS).  That means that if you've only seen me at one of the last two shows, it will be about 8 minutes of new no matter which time you saw me.  If you haven't seen me at all yet, you're a bad friend.  Or not my friend.  You can fix either of those by coming.

Also, this will likely be the last time for a little bit that I perform at a Whalers show, because I'm too busy and write too slowly to produce 5-6 minutes of new material every two weeks, and I'd feel like a dick inviting people to see stuff they've mostly already seen.  If you miss me now, you won't be able to see me for...a WHILE.  And you WANT to.  Because I am FUNNY.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Top 9 Disputed Ballots in the Minnesota Senate Election

As you may be aware, the Minnesota Senate race--between Al Franken and Norm Coleman--is currently undergoing a recount, as the difference between the two upon first count was approiximately 200 in an election where 3 million votes are cast.  As a Minnesotan who voted in this election, I am particularly interested, but not just for the results.  Minnesota Public Radio has been cataloguing some of the disputed ballots for our education and entertainment, and oh, God, are some of them great.  For the record, Minnesota law basically states that no matter how shitty a person is at marking their ballot, it will be counted if voter intent is clear.  Which, of course, maximizes the chance for goofy-as-hell challenges.  Here's my top 9, with many question marks, as this is a time of INTRUIGE:

9. Is it a circle with an arrow or a headless cowboy  lifting his hat??????

This is the greatest political Rorschach test I have ever seen in my life.  Can you somemhow delude yourself into believing that inksplatter forms an arrow from Franken to Coleman, indicating that the voter intended to cast his/her ballot for the Republican candidate?  If so, congratulations, you have eradicated all of your own ability to think critically.

8. Is this voter a convicted felon??????  Does he/she want us to know that??????

Minnesota law--despite being quite lenient on how bad you are at voting--states that markes indicating a desire to identify a ballot render it defective and thrown out.  This means that, say, if someone were to sign their own ballot, it would become invalid.  How about thumbprints?  Consider this a Rorschach for the other side: if you can somehow make yourself believe that this voter marked this with an intentional thumbprint so as to identify his/her vote later (and do what?  I have no fucking clue), then you are similarly brainless.

7. How awesome would it be to double-vote???????

WOOOOO I LIKED VOTING FOR COLEMAN SO MUCH THAT I DID IT AGAIN BY ALSO PUTTING AN "X" OVER THE CIRCLE I JUST FILLED IN WOOOOOOOOOOOO or maybe I just wanted to cross that vote out in which case...I don't want to vote for Senate at all?  Whoever filled this out is a weirdo.

6. Is it wrong to think outside the box??????

I really like how this person didn't even do a good job of filling in their imaginary bubble.  Just a little scribble on top of  a "7," that'll do.  I would declare this the most postmodern vote here, but that would be wrong.  Reader, you have no idea what lies ahead.

5. What does the word "No" mean??????

I like imagining the Coleman defense on this one, which is probably, "He was writing 'NORM!" but he ran out of time!!!!'"

4. What does erasing mean??????

Simiarly, the Franken defense: "He was going to change his mind back but he ran out of time!!!!"

3. Lizard People??????

Oh, good Lord, do I love this ballot.  In any normal election, somebody being a jackass and writing in "Lizard People" for half of the spots on their ballot would go completely unnotticed.  But this douchenozzle managed to force a board of reviewers to try to decipher what he meant by marking Franken and writing, "Lizard People."  The problem here is, you're trying to decipher the intent of a mind whose only real intent was clearly "LIZARD PEOPLE HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA."  It's like decoding the Da Vinci code but the only message behind it all is "poop butt."

2. Are lines good or bad??????

Is it underlining Franken?  Crossing him out?  Drawing a sperm?  Is underlining good?  Is crossing out good?  Is sperm good?  Are my sperm good?  Should I get them checked?  How do I get sperm checked?  Is that even something you can just check?   AHHHHHHHHH THROW OUT THIS BALLOT FOR DRIVING ME INSANE

1. Is this what a vote by a Lizard Person looks like??????

The more I look at this amazing, amazing ballot, the more I am convinced that it is someone from an alien race sending a sign.  Circling one of the scantron rectangles?  Drawing, like, the circuit schematic symbol for a capacitor  or something next to Franken?  OUR DOOM IS IMMINENT

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Top 9 Things I Think About Legends of the Hidden Temple

It is too late and I am too tired to make sense, but the thing is, I haven't posted in like, a billion days, so I gotta do this. It's like I'm Johnny Utah in Point Break and I've gotta let Patrick Swayze surf that wave.

Sort of.

Anyway, the other day was Kirk Fogg's birthday and it got me thinking about the game show (and touchstone of youth) Legends of the Hidden Temple. Here were the nine things I thought.

9. I would be willing to bet that kids routinely died in that moat at the beginning.

I mean, you never heard from them after that! Uh-oh, the Green Monkeys fell off their makeshift raft and into the smoky waters below, too bad they won't ever make it out alive! What's that? They won't be going home empty-handed? Oh, right... because they don't have hands anymore, because there are alligators in the moat.

8. They ran out of things to hide in the temple after Season One.

It's all painstakingly documented on this Wikipedia page. Seriously... check out a few of these gems: The Bent Shaving Pan of Jedediah Smith? The Golden Spider Web of Robert the Bruce? The Pearl Necklace of Gwalior? These all reek of FAKE.

7. The Temple Games were ludicrously repetitive.

They used the same set-pieces from episode and if you watch, say, five or six in a row--as you USED to be able to do on Nick GAS--it shows. There are like, five games, tops... the crawl through the tunnel game, the climb up the net game, the slide down the wet thing game, the put things in a bucket even though you are tied to something with elastic game, and the make awkward banter with Kirk Fogg game. No one ever one that last game.

6. You just know some dude uses “I won Legends of the Hidden Temple” as a pick-up line.

And the saddest part is, he's probably not lying. He probably was a Purple Parrot, he probably did make it through the Temple, and I bet he did it without getting caught by a Temple Guard, so his partner never got to go in, too! Not something to brag about, dude! Be a team player... jeez.

5. Basically just an exoticized Finders Keepers.

Right? Right? You guys remember that one, right? Someone please tell me I did not hallucinate an entire gameshow.

4. The Temple guards were all convicted felons.

Do you remember when they would jump out and grab kids in the Temple Run? That was full on assault-and-battery! Those kids were traumatized for life--regardless of whether they had an extra pendant of life!

3. Space Camp is NOT worth going through the terror of the Temple for.

Step 1: Buy freeze dried ice cream at the Science Museum. Step 2: Hang upside down in your closet. You have just gone to Space Camp. You never had to put your life at risk, either.

2. Kirk Fogg clearly a prisoner.

And Olmec is the one holding him prisoner. At night, Kirk is forced to brush Olmec's giant stone teeth. They sleep in the same room, except Olmec doesn't sleep, he just berates Kirk for being small and weak. Then, temple guards whip Kirk until the sun rises. Then, they start filming the show.

1. Before they came up with the Temple, before they came up with a giant talking stone head, before they came up with any of it, they clearly came up with… The Shrine of the Silver Monkey!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Top 10 Jörmungandr Jokes

A little over a year ago, Henry Klementowicz, Peter Mende-Siedlecki, and I invented the wondrous concept of Jörmungandr jokes.  Jörmungandr, for the uninitiated, is the serpent that circles the earth in Norse mythology, and has a name pronounced "yorm-un-gand-er").  Jörmungandr jokes, then, are similar in construction and ethos to "your mom" jokes--note the shared first syllable.  Either this will be the funniest thing you have ever seen (which it was for me at the time) or you will completely hate me for wasting your time with this.  This list will be counting upwards, just because:

1. Jörmungandr is so fat that when she sits around the world, she sits around the world.

2. Jörmungandr is so stupid that she got locked in a grocery store and almost starved to death but then started gnawing on her tail.

3. Jörmungandr is so dumb that she slithered over a glass wall just to see what was on the other side (what was on the other side was Ragnarök).

4. Jörmungandr is so stupid that when Odin's son defeated Fenrir the wolf by putting one foot on his lower jaw and pulling upwards on the upper jaw she said, "But what about his shoe?  It'll get bloody!"

5. Jörmungandr is so wimpy that the only two things that didn't promised not to hurt Baldr were mistletoe and Jörmungandr, but Jörmungandr is even wimpier than mistletoe, so Loki didn't even consider using her for his evil plot to slay Baldr.

6. Jörmungandr is so fat that when she disguised herself as Utagarda-Loki's cat, Thor was only able to lift one of her four feet off the ground.

8. Jörmungandr is so stupid that when Thor went on a fishing trip with the giant Hymir and used the head of an ox as his bait, Jörmungandr snapped his great maw around the bait.  Jörmungandr didn't realize that "ox head" is not an aquatic animial.

8. Jörmungandr is so dumb that when Thor stabbed her, then walked nine paces and died, Jörmungandr thought that he walked ten paces.  Jörmungandr can't count.

9. Jörmungandr is so dumb that he tried to tell a "your mom" joke to Hel without realizing that they were both born of the giantess Angrboda.

10. Jörmungandr is so stupid that when Surtr set the entire world on fire, she plunged the earth into the ocean to put it out, thus ending the world and making way for the new age.

Um, actually, good call on that one, Jörmungandr.

Feel free to use your own extensive knowledge of Norse mythology to write your own Jörmungandr jokes and post them in the comments!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Top 31 Deleted Chapters from Nietzsche's "Ecce Homo"

Oh man. Have you nerds read Ecce Homo? It is ridiculous. It's basically a look back at Nietzsche's career as a philosopher/baller-extraordinaire and it boasts the greatest chapter titles of any book ever. Here's a taste: "Why I Am So Clever"... "Why I Write Such Good Books"... and my personal favorite, "Why I Am a Destiny".

Anyway, that got me thinkin'...

31. Why I Am Basically the Coolest

30. Why I Rock Harder Than You Can Even Dream

29. Why I Can Type Faster Than You

28. Why I Have Superpowers

27. Why I Have Razor-Sharp Claws

26. Why I Have a Four-Octave Vocal Range

25. Why I Jump Higher and Farther Than Most People

24. Why My Heart Is Made of Metal and My Brain Is Made of Heart

23. Why Batman Is Actually a Documentary About My Life

22. Why I Am In Your Base, Killing Your Dudes

21. Why I Am Totally Free to Just Take All Your Money

20. Why I Came Up With the Idea for Legends of the Hidden Temple--(Happy Birthday, Kirk Fogg!)

19. Why I Can Go All Night Long

18. Why I Can Shoot Bullets Out of My Hands

17. Why If You Prick Me, I Actually Don't Bleed

16. Why I Can Play Like, Seven Different Instruments

15. Why I Am Quite Good Friends With Several Television Stars

14. Why My Other Car Is Your Car

13. Why I Have Yet To Be Prosecuted For Stealing Your Car

12. Why I Am the All-Time "All-Time Quarterback"

11. Why I Can See the Future and Change the Past

10. Why I Can Talk to Animals

9. Why I Can Listen to Plants

8. Why I Am Such a Baller

7. Why I Declined a Lucrative Contract from So So Def Records (and thus did not appear in the Philosopherz Rap)

6. Why I Invented the Phrase "Hanging Out"

5. Why I Am Frequently Mistaken for a God

4. Why I Am Not Exactly God, but Am Still Totally Just as Good as He Is

3. Why God and I Are BFFs

2. Why God Gave Me an Enormous Penis

1. Why God Sometimes Calls Me For No Reason, Just to Talk

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Top 31 Things that Peter and I Go Together Like

Well, after writing a vitriolic list last time, today's list will be a cute one.  Peter and I go together like...

31. Peanut Butter and Jelly

30. Spaghetti and Meatballs

29. Charlie Kaufman and Navel-Gazing

28. Beaches and Sandcastles

27. Warm Glows and Soft Hums

26. Libertarians and Subtextual Racism

25. Love and Marriage

24. The Internet and Alcohol

23. Hats and Music

22. Athletes and Feet

21. Old Shoes and Picture Postcards

20. Senseless Killing and Mindless Violence

19. Gchat and Emoticons B-)

18. Cat Ladies and Cats

17. Self-diagnosis and Hypochondria

16. Peter and Jelly

15. Peanut Butter and Rob

14. Width and Girth

13. Fax Machines and Copiers

12. The Beatles and the Stones

11. Lennon and McCartney

10. Harrison and Starr

9. Hiking and Gorp

8. Awkward Social Situations and Gift Bags

7. Bellies and Beer

6. Jesus and Mary

5. Bing Crosby and Bill Cosby

4. Watercooling and Benchwarming

3. Binging and Purging

2. Rahm and 'Bam

1. Inoperable Conditions and Living Wills

Top 23 Ways I Wanted to Fall Asleep Earlier Today

Okay, so this is kind of hard to explain, but earlier today, I promised I'd do this (to no one in particular) and here I am, following through. I went to a pre-Thanksgiving dinner thing today and after a couple of courses and a couple of drinks (and many, many 90s classic singalongs--anyone remember Fastball?), all I wanted to was sleep. So I started mumbling about how I wanted to pass out under various, semi-therapeutic circumstances. Maybe you had to be there, and maybe I didn't have to write this list, but it was fun for me. And sometimes, you just have to put yourself first.

23. I just wanna drink a bottle of Nyquil and pass out while watching Heat.

22. I just wanna wrap myself in a fur coat and nap forever.

21. I just wanna crawl facefirst into a sleeping bag.

20. I just wanna crawl facefirst into a book bag.

19. I just wanna crawl facefirst into any kind of bag.

18. I just wanna take a shower while sleeping.

17. I just wanna take like, twelve Tylenol PMs and pass out in a closet.

16. I just wanna dip my face in warm milk and blow bubbles.

15. I just wanna dip my face in warm bubbles and blow milk.

14. I just wanna get all set up to watch some porn and fall asleep with my face on the keyboard.

13. I just wanna go all fetal position on the floor and dream about playing catch.

12. I just wanna get my belly rubbed by a big fat woman, while a little skinny woman scratches my head.

11. I just wanna fall asleep to Varsity Blues.

10. I just wanna fall asleep to the Friday Night Lights movie.

9. I just wanna fall asleep to the Friday Night Lights pilot.

8. I just wanna fall asleep to someone reading me the first chapter of the Friday Night Lights book.

7. I just wanna watch the end of V For Vendetta over and over again.

6. I just wanna put my face inside my pillow and half-sing showtunes.

5. I just wanna wrap my face in a hot towel and hum.

4. I just wanna have someone walk on my back while I stare off into the middle distance.

3. I just wanna collapse onto a floor made of pillows and listen to Nick Drake.

2. I just wanna be covered in cats.

1. I just wanna lie down and be kissed and not have to kiss back.