Monday, November 3, 2008

Top 7 Reasons Not to Vote

Well, according to Peter's last post, he wants you to vote. Peter is stupid. I don't want you to vote. Voting sucks. You voting especially sucks. Here is why:

7. You might have to stand in a long line

Voter turnout is probably going to be pretty high, which means that you will have to wait for a lot of other people to vote before you do. What is the longest line you've ever stood in? Double that, then triple that, then add like two, then double that. The line might not be that long, but seriously, think about that line you just thought about, it's really long.

7. If you are between 18 and 21, voting is basically saying "I'm okay with getting drafted"

In 1971, a few rather intelligent people realized that 18- to 21-year olds could get drafted to fight in the military but not vote for the political leaders of that military. If you are at all sane, you realized that they FIXED THIS THE WRONG WAY. I WOULD LET ONLY SIXTY YEAR OLDS VOTE IF IT MEANT I WOULD NEVER GET DRAFTED GOOD LORD I AM SCARED OF DEATH ALSO I AM A HUGE PUSSY.

5. Your vote probably won't make a difference

Here are the chances of your vote deciding the presidential election: 1 in 10,000,000, and only if you live in one of five swing states. What if you spent the same time and money (I know voting doesn't cost money, shut up) on 15 Powerball tickets? Because if you did, you'd have the same chance of winning the jackpot. Answer this honestly: would you rather have your preferred candidate win, or win the Powerball jackpot? No matter who is going to tax you more, the difference will NOT be TWENTY MILLION DOLLARS. Play the lottery, you pathetic loser.

4. It's just a popularity contest

Actually, weirdly enough, it would just be a popularity contest if the presidential election process made any sense.

3. I am sick of people telling you to vote

I'll admit that this is more of a personal gripe than an even mildly legitimate reason, but where does um, every single person on television, the internet, my phone, public restrooms, and the moon get off telling me how to spend my Tuesday? What if I always watch The Price is Right on Tuesday mornings, and then spend the afternoon reading Garfield anthologies and drinking Fanta? What if I like that more than voting, huh?? THEN what?

2. You might accidentally vote for the wrong person

You will feel so stupid if you do this. It's not guaranteed to happen--in fact, it's not even probable--but seriously, you will feel SO STUPID if you do it. And if you do, you won't even realize you did. Imagine living the rest of your life never knowing if you might have accidentally voted for Bob Barr. That will tear you up inside. I voted absentee and I am so fucking worried I might have voted for Bob Barr now.

1. Your vote will make my vote count less

If I was the only person voting in all elections, then all of the people I voted for would win. I think we can all agree that this is an ideal system, that is, as long as there is only one vote to agree and it is mine.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

you have two 7's and no 6