Tuesday, November 4, 2008

ELECTION LIVEBLOG LIST! RIGHT? TIGHT!!!

6:52 PM: Question - Is it on? Answer - IT IS ON. Brief realization about the remaining eleven presidents I have to write blurbs for... this might not happen. Watching CNN. James Carville looks more Skeletor-ish than usual. Love him even more for it. Waiting for Frank to show so I can ship off to the BK.

6:54 PM: Frank's on the way! Indiana is tight! Liveblogging is hard! Caitlin is talking about the time this summer than her baby toe fell off! Jordy is endorsing Keith Olbermann as the hottest! Erin is trying to think of that one Geena Davis movie!

6:56 PM: TOOOOOOOOOOOOOBIN! J-Toobs gives props to Obama's money game, Gerg's reps the ground game. None of this is news. Translation: there is no news yet.

7:01 PM: CNN calls Vermont for Obams. We have a mini-dance party to George Michael's "Faith" in celebration.

7:09 PM: Hells yeah, Mark Warner. Although please never, never, never give a the keynote speech for the DNC again. Your weird, semi-autistic diatribe about cellphones? Yeah, that didn't make you the next Barack Obama.

ALSO!

Next president!

33. Harry S. Truman

Hey, Andrew Johnson. This is how you follow up a hugely successful president who dies in office. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He dropped two atomic bombs on Japan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't have a middle name. GUESS THE HECK WHAT. Tru coined such phrases "the buck stops here" and "if you can't stand the heat, you better get out of the kitchen"... that's what you need in a president. Plus, he was the 9th inning rally personified--Dewey defeats Truman? Pshaw! Note to John McCain--DON'T. Just. Don't.


7:16 PM: WHAT. Wolf Blitzer just beamed in Jessica Yellin, hologram-style. Help me, Jessica Yellin, you're our only hope.


7:17 PM: Yellin makes Leia joke. Blitzer lauds the "intimate" nature of their exchange. This got strangely cyber-sexual.


7:18 PM: This is pure absurdity and I don't care for any bit of it.


7:24 PM: I GOTTA GO TO BROOKLYN!!!


8:28 PM: Y'all, I am currently in Brooklyn, that hotbed of Democracy. Wolfie is talking to Axelrod, and the Rod looks confident. I bought a bottle of Heaven Hill and am claiming I am dressed as a Bourbon Democrat. Sweet ref!


8:31 PM: New Hampshire is called! Post-graduates deliver! Memo to Soledad O'Brien--heaven is missing an erudite angel! Dance Party!!!


8:35 PM: How fun is it to say "Shaheen"? Answer: THE FUNNEST. Way to win Manchester County, Jean... according to CNN, "that's where the people live."


8:40 PM: A guy on Telemundo on a show called "Destino!: Noche del Elecciones" just called the election for Edward James Olmos. Also, I don't speak Spanish.


8:44 PM: Was just speaking to my friend Julia about how good it feels to actually pull the lever in the voting booth? I gotta admit--it's a terrific feeling. Kind of like thrusting a spear into the heart of sadness. What? Bias? NO! NEVER! Seriously, though... I full-on Marv-Albert fist-pumped when I voted.


8:50 PM: Took a break to watch the kids from Ron Clark Academy get their election/TI on. Still heart-warming. Looked up and saw Gergen monologuing... in the background, Carville was on his cell. CLEARLY SAYING HI TO HIS REPUBLICAN BOO. You know what's hot? Reaching across party lines... to touch someone... sexually.


8:54 PM: Turned to FOX News so we could say "Fuck you!" to FOX News. Turned to BET. Be Heard is on. "Women of the hip hop generation" are at risk apparently.


8:57 PM: EISENHOWER UPDATE!


34. Dwight D. Eisenhower

FACT. After winning the war and before winning the election, Ike was president of a little something called Columbia University. I like to think that he and I have thrown up on a few of the same street corners.


9:03 PM: A bunch of projections in on CNN. New York, Michigan, Minnesota, and Wisconsin all called for our boy. I helped you guys! (Also, clearly all of the Minnesota Vikings and Minnesota Wild voted for Obams. PS: BIG game tonight for the Wild against the Sharks.)


9:05 PM: Senate lookin' good for the Dems... 51-33 at this point! Anderson says Louisiana is the best chance for a pick-up, the big Tom Wilkinson-lookin' fella says nay on the Bradley Effect, the country has grown up, and race relations are A-okay. Um, we won, guys!? (That is the second Tom Wilkinson reference on this blog in as many days.)


9:08 PM: WHOA WHOA WHOA HOLD UP PROGRESSIVISM (AND CHAMPAGNE). D-Gergs says that prejudice is alive and well in the US. Well, shit, guys.


9:10 PM: Hey, does anyone want to watch Maverick starring Mel Gibson and Holly Hunter? No? Okay. (Next day note: You're right, Frank... I meant Jodie Foster.)


9:13 PM: Georgia called for McCain. Anti-dance party. We are sitting around and glaring. Frank wants to draw a mustache on that smirking McCain photo CNN has. Good news, though. Big O ahead by 4% in Florida with 50% reporting. Frank is beaming. Momentarily.


9:15 PM: REFILL! (Also, if anyone wants to write my JFK blurb, go ahead. How can I say anything new/interesting about our best-looking president ever?)


9:19 PM: According to QVC, the customer has won the election! You heard it hear first (or, second, I guess...), folks... you won. If you bought something on QVC.


9:28 PM: Pat brought out some sick cheese. Sam Donaldson looks more and more like Sam the Eagle.


9:29 PM: OHIO! What's high in the middle and an orgasm on either side? OHIO! (BTW: Dear Cleveland Browns, PLAY BRADY QUINN, YOU WILL MAKE MIKE MOLINA SO HAPPY. LOVE, A CONCERNED RUST BELTER.)


9:35 PM: "No Republican has ever lost Ohio and won" is the political equivalent of football's "Defense wins championships", but I don't give a damn. We are high in Park Slope, my friends. Candy Crowley calls it a bigger loss for McCain than a win for Obama. WHATEVS, CANDY. I'm psyched.


9:38 PM: Dana Bash has gotten no less reptilian. We are no less excited. This is Matt Santos-level furor.


9:42 PM: Anyone bummed about Mitch McConnell winning Kentucky? Um, well, obviously. But I'm not going to stress for now. The brie is too good.


9:52 PM: Tom Wilkinson invokes the Perfect Storm! BET just made me sort of cry (well, the head of the SCLC did...)! Here in Park Slope, we discuss whether or not there are Republicans we love. Here in my head, I wonder if the American political landscape is changing in parallel to the NFL. Obama's groundgame = the trick-play-prone Wildcat offense?


9:59 PM: We're switching over to Stewart/Colbert coverage. Because we are patriots. We just caught the tail end of South Park. We were just reminded why South Park is no longer a viable source of cable satire.


10:07 PM: Colbert has a cockatoo on his shoulder. Stewart throws McCain into the back of a Jersey Oldsmobile. Anderson Cooper wants to talk fiscal responsibility. Pat wants more wine. 538 is calling it. Pinstripe Guy on CNN is writing a post-mortem on the previous 8 years. This is the best night since that time the Twins won the World Series. (Al Franken = Jack Morris?)


10:11 PM: NBC calls Iowa for Bobamack. (That was a thing I just made up. I'm trying it out. It's not working for me. I'l be honest.) Why does tomorrow feel like Sunday? It isn't! There is no football tomorrow, only joy. Buckets and bucket of joy. And blankets.


10:13 PM: Hey, remember Sarah Palin? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.


10:18 PM: Arizona yet to be called. WACKY. Jon Oliver says "shit" live on Comedy Central. PUERILE. Frank is taking responsibility for the Democratic turnout in Florida. Soledad O'Brien can take credit for all of my affection.


10:21 PM: Aged Aaron Eckhart impersonator on CNN with a touch map says that the Republicans are no longer a nationally viable party. Yike. Colbert makes a Mike Vick joke... didn't land too well, bro. PERHAPS YOUR AUDIENCE BE FULL OF DOGS, YO.


10:26 PM: Steve Forbes' advice to McCain: be nice to Ms. McCain, read Forbes Magazine. Steve, stop being old and cute.


10:27 PM: By the way. Do you really expect me to say something cogent about JFK?


35. John F. Kennedy

Do you remember that scene in The Rat Pack where all the Rat Packers are screwing around with babes, including JFK and Marilyn Monroe... then they cut to Dino drinking a glass of milk. Anyway. That's all I need to know. By the way, I will never forget the moment in 9th Grade History when Mr. Zygaj told us about the day he gave up on politics. He'd spent two years campaigning for Bobby and then Sirhan Sirhan said hi to him with a bullet at the Ambassador Hotel. I'll never forget that. Hope is fragile.


10:33 PM: Stewart/Colbert discuss the Bradley Effect. Make Milton Bradley joke. Former Indians centerfielder Milton Bradley has no comment.


10:47 PM: I had to find some Red Stripe. Charles Ogletree says that racism isn't over. DAMMIT.


36. Lyndon B. Johnson

Man, his Great Society was great, right? I remember catching a lot of shit in AP Government for my blind support of LBJ. Then again, it was pretty blind. (It was also mostly based upon a story in which someone asked him what his foreign policy was and then his whipped his presidential donger out onto the table and that, "There it is, dudes.") Also, Ladybird Johnson--neither a lady or a bird. Little known fact.


10:50 PM: Fox is calling Virginia. Fox is the ONLY network calling Virginia. This is either awesome, hilarious, or something else. Stewart/Colbert just made hilarious Ellen Cleghorne and Tyler Perry jokes within a span of three seconds.


10:54 PM: Pat just noticed that I was live-blogging. Frank is enamored of the new Dodge Ram. I am humming "Mr. November" in my head. I am fearing the up-coming Nixon blurb.


10:57 PM: Colbert blames the plumbers and the hockey dads. The Wild are up 1-0. No single parent hockey families to be found there, bucko. Just a whole bunch of proud hockey Dems. (I MADE THAT UP JUST NOW, PEOPLE.)


11:00 PM: The eleventh hour! (Well, the 23rd, really...) Julia wants Virginia! Frank wants Florida! Colbert has feelings! I have seven presidents left to blurb!


11:01 PM: Comedy Central calls it for Obama. (Well, NBC and CNN did too, but fuck that.) Spontaneous Yes, We Can chant. Pat's sinuses cleared. Rami's on the phone to Frank. 297, baby! Julia is running for the champagne. I'm tearing up. This is good times.


11:04 PM: The champagne is aged 8 years. That's right, kids. It's pre-Bush champagne. He won't fuck us over, he's Mr. November.


11:21 PM: Watching the concession, after a teary, joyous Mom/Dad phone conversation. The Times headline says it all: "OBAMA: Racial Barrier Falls in Heavy Turnout".


11:30 PM: Tight, gracious concession speech. We won McCain back too! (McCain = Denethor? Back me up, nerds!) (Next day note: I think I meant Theoden... like when he's all gross and crippled and controlled by Saruman.)


11:31 PM: And Chris has the quote of the night: "It's like America has won the World Series."

3 comments:

Rob said...

I like how this will be a liveblog not only of the election results but also of your evening's adventures.

Frank said...

It was Jodie Foster in "Maverick". And honestly, yes we can watch "Maverick" soon. I may be watching it right now.

Lady Kate said...

HE IS DENOTHOR