Here's a semi-chronological list of exciting/ridiculous things I saw down in the Lower East Side/Chelsea on Halloween night. I bit the bullet and bought a Dillon Panthers jersey at the NBC store so I could be Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights. A shockingly decent number of random people on the street recognized it, although one guy got really pissed that I was dressed up as a character from the TV show and not the book. Halloween is no time for purism, bro.
20. A Russia/Alaska guy-and-girl combo costume
This would have been darling and clever, but the guy kept yelling, "I can see her from my house, you guys!" which sounded surprisingly creepy. Also, the Russia costume was totes amorphous and the scale was all off in comparison to the Alaska.
19. Thing One and Two making out at Ate Ave
I feel like these two guys chose these costumes just so they could PDA out on the town and onlookers to buzz excitedly--"OMG y'all, Things One and Two are totally boning in the corner!!" Well, looks like I bought in, dudes. I just want to know what their other options were. Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dee... pitcher and catcher... the Minnesota Twins. This just got weird.
18. A non-costumed Ate Ave regular who was very excited to tell me how much he “loved [me] in high school”
Frankly, I was most put off by the lack of imagination. Or, ya know... lack of costume. Same diff. (PS: I was awesome in high school. I know that's not what you mean, guy--but just sayin'.)
17. A fellow straight at Ate Ave dressed as Daniel Plainview, very cautiously refraining from any milkshake-drinking jokes
Stay straight, bro.
16. Like, two-thousand spent MetroCards spilled all over the floor of the L-stop on 8th Ave.
This was most likely some form of performance art. Or a get-rich-quick-scheme gone awry.
15. Palins... Palins everywhere
Memo to women with glasses in New York City: Glasses and a polyester blazer do not a costume make. That being said, I hope you all found frustrated, terrified Republicans (or confused, apprehensive Democrats) to spend the first hours of November with.
14. Even more Jokers
TOO. SOON. GUYS.
13. One brilliant shining Palin-Joker
All points ever awarded to this brave, beautiful individual. As of presstime, it was unclear whether or not the Palin-Joker was a boy or a girl. Also, as of presstime, I was watching Mrs. Doubtfire. A) Mrs. Doubtfire = Palin-Joker in forty years. B) Today, Mrs. Doubtfire word be called Tranny Nanny. C) Speaking of trannies, congrats to noted shapeshifter Jordy Lievers on finishing the NYC Marathon.
12. One really drunk Joker who tried to steal Frank’s guitar
Not cool, bro. He needs that for GuitarHero. Also, your bro in the OG Wolverine costume was a) better dressed, b) way more chill, and c) didn't attack us.
11. One other really drunk Joker with two forties screaming “Why so beer-ious!” on 14th St.
Good one, bro. Somewhere up there, Heath is smiling down, taking a break from filling out Mary Kate Damnation Requests.
10. Double Dare contestants at Croc Lounge
Built-in pickup line: "Do you want to take the Physical Challenge?" Built-in party foul: Attempting to play wacky, fill-the-cup-on-my-helmet-by-throwing-liquid-across-the-room games.
9. Like, half of Return to House on Haunted Hill
Honestly? Still better than Made of Honor.
8. A gang of dudes dressed up as the New Zealand All Blacks
It took every ounce of self-control not to challenge them to a pick-up game. Some onlooker-guy was all, "Come on, Timmy Riggs! Clear eyes, full heart! Do it for Tyra!" I was all, "Um, he and Tyra were over in Season One, bro." In my head...
7. A goodly handful of Green Men
The authenticity ranged from full-body-full-face lycra onesies to lime green shirt/kelly green sweats/backwards Philadelphia Eagles baseball cap combos. Either way, the Always Sunny gang is not without an NYC fanbase.
6. A good number of dudes who happened to be wearing green shirts, who we decided were also Green Men
This was during the portion of the evening when we were dressed as assholes. (That is, after 3:00.)
5. A guy in a frilly shirt face down on Irving St.
NYU kid, probs. We alerted the authorities. Kinda.
4. A cop who kept poking his buddy and giggling, “Yo—this is my costume!”
Again... good one, bro. (Peter, stop saying "bro" every three words.) Now go help the NYU kid dressed as the contents of his stomach.
3. A second round of Double Dare contestants
...begging the question WHY didn’t I go as Olmec from Legens of the Hidden Temple?
2. A couple sexy Ghostbusters—accompanied by a guy in a gorilla suit yelling, “Don’t cross the streams!”
To be honest, I might have dreamed this. That doesn't mean that my recollection isn't crystal clear, though. The girl-most-likely-to-be-the-Venkman was about four fitted sheets and a pillowcase to the wind... the Ray was holding up like a champ... the Egon would have made a decent Palin. There was no Winston. (Incidentally, there was also no Dana. Only Zuul.)
1. Dude getting thrown out of SideBar, having his head cracked on the pavement outside, subsequent tremors and whimpers
This was when I decided that the evening was no longer fun and suddenly terrifying. I have repressed everything that followed. You guys, I really don't like Halloween. I haven't since the fifth grade. Can't I just dress up as myself and be loved for it? No sweet 80's cartoon refs, no punny riffs on superheroes, no figures of speech, no sexy politicians, no sexy anythings...
This just turned into the Halloween-rant version of that John Lennon song about the dream being over.
Um... don't forget to vote?