Top 15 Things Obama Should Do Right Now

Sittin' awful pretty right now, aren't you, Barack WHOSE-PAIN Obama? (I don't know what that means.)  Anyway, yeah, he is more or less on top of the world right now, which means he would be super-awesome if he did any of these things.

15. Appear in front of a crowd and, without announcement, attempt to set the Guiness World Record for length of time holding one's breath.

14. Release a press statement in which he swears himself in as "President of Awesome" with each hand on a pair of sunglasses then puts both of them on at the same time.

13. Flip off an old white lady.

12. Eat a BLT.  With no mayo.  Fuck mayo.

11. Demand an apology from George W. Bush.  Not for his presidency, but for that one time he cut in front of Obama in a line.  Even if he never did that.  He will be so confused.

10. Abolish the Senate.  Replace it with the Black Panthers.

9. Stage an event where he fights like 100 people in John McCain masks Matrix Reloaded-style.  Appear to lose, but then have Joe Biden come in and save the day.  Joe Biden has an Uzi.

8. Start forwarding links to Youtube videos to all his e-mail lists.  Like gorillas peeing in their mouths and stuff.  Only one video per e-mail.

7. Call up Sarah Palin pretending to be Nicholas Sarkozy.  Listen to her fall for it again just because she is desparate for the attention.

6. Vote again.  For himself.  In 2012.  Right now.  If anyone tries to tell him that he can't, step on their toes HARD and scream, "AMERICA!!!!!"

5. Order a Public Enemy poster to be delivered to the White House.

4. Make a public appearance wearing nothing but an adult diaper.

3. Comment on this blog entry.

2. Reveal to the world that he was actually a stealth Muslim the whole time.

1. MAKE AL FRANKEN WIN THE MINNESOTA SENATE SEAT GOD DAMMIT PRESIDENTS HAVE SPECIAL POWERS