Saturday, November 22, 2008

Top 9 Disputed Ballots in the Minnesota Senate Election

As you may be aware, the Minnesota Senate race--between Al Franken and Norm Coleman--is currently undergoing a recount, as the difference between the two upon first count was approiximately 200 in an election where 3 million votes are cast.  As a Minnesotan who voted in this election, I am particularly interested, but not just for the results.  Minnesota Public Radio has been cataloguing some of the disputed ballots for our education and entertainment, and oh, God, are some of them great.  For the record, Minnesota law basically states that no matter how shitty a person is at marking their ballot, it will be counted if voter intent is clear.  Which, of course, maximizes the chance for goofy-as-hell challenges.  Here's my top 9, with many question marks, as this is a time of INTRUIGE:

9. Is it a circle with an arrow or a headless cowboy  lifting his hat??????

This is the greatest political Rorschach test I have ever seen in my life.  Can you somemhow delude yourself into believing that inksplatter forms an arrow from Franken to Coleman, indicating that the voter intended to cast his/her ballot for the Republican candidate?  If so, congratulations, you have eradicated all of your own ability to think critically.

8. Is this voter a convicted felon??????  Does he/she want us to know that??????

Minnesota law--despite being quite lenient on how bad you are at voting--states that markes indicating a desire to identify a ballot render it defective and thrown out.  This means that, say, if someone were to sign their own ballot, it would become invalid.  How about thumbprints?  Consider this a Rorschach for the other side: if you can somehow make yourself believe that this voter marked this with an intentional thumbprint so as to identify his/her vote later (and do what?  I have no fucking clue), then you are similarly brainless.

7. How awesome would it be to double-vote???????

WOOOOO I LIKED VOTING FOR COLEMAN SO MUCH THAT I DID IT AGAIN BY ALSO PUTTING AN "X" OVER THE CIRCLE I JUST FILLED IN WOOOOOOOOOOOO or maybe I just wanted to cross that vote out in which case...I don't want to vote for Senate at all?  Whoever filled this out is a weirdo.

6. Is it wrong to think outside the box??????

I really like how this person didn't even do a good job of filling in their imaginary bubble.  Just a little scribble on top of  a "7," that'll do.  I would declare this the most postmodern vote here, but that would be wrong.  Reader, you have no idea what lies ahead.

5. What does the word "No" mean??????

I like imagining the Coleman defense on this one, which is probably, "He was writing 'NORM!" but he ran out of time!!!!'"

4. What does erasing mean??????

Simiarly, the Franken defense: "He was going to change his mind back but he ran out of time!!!!"

3. Lizard People??????

Oh, good Lord, do I love this ballot.  In any normal election, somebody being a jackass and writing in "Lizard People" for half of the spots on their ballot would go completely unnotticed.  But this douchenozzle managed to force a board of reviewers to try to decipher what he meant by marking Franken and writing, "Lizard People."  The problem here is, you're trying to decipher the intent of a mind whose only real intent was clearly "LIZARD PEOPLE HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA."  It's like decoding the Da Vinci code but the only message behind it all is "poop butt."

2. Are lines good or bad??????

Is it underlining Franken?  Crossing him out?  Drawing a sperm?  Is underlining good?  Is crossing out good?  Is sperm good?  Are my sperm good?  Should I get them checked?  How do I get sperm checked?  Is that even something you can just check?   AHHHHHHHHH THROW OUT THIS BALLOT FOR DRIVING ME INSANE

1. Is this what a vote by a Lizard Person looks like??????

The more I look at this amazing, amazing ballot, the more I am convinced that it is someone from an alien race sending a sign.  Circling one of the scantron rectangles?  Drawing, like, the circuit schematic symbol for a capacitor  or something next to Franken?  OUR DOOM IS IMMINENT

No comments: