Sunday, November 23, 2008

Top 13 Reasons Thanksgiving Is So Late This Year

The 27th? THE TWENTY-SEVENTH!?!!?! That's boosh. There must be soooooome sort of explanation? OR THIRTEEN, EVEN. (That last sentence was meant to be read like Snagglepuss. Even.)

13. Stuffing crop coming in a tad lean this year.

Also, the can-shaped cranberry sauce fields were hit pretty hard by a coldsnap. 

12. Miss Tompkins' 2nd graders haven’t finished their hand-turkeys yet.

Pilgrim hats and Native American head-dresses are right on schedule, though.

11. November is still hungover from Barack Obama won the election YAAAAAAY!!!

Yes, we mrghphhh... 

10. The over-commercialization of Thanksgiving.

Duane Reade spent a lot of money on its T-Day campaign and they are not quitting it until every last one of those plush turkeys and pilgrim-themed crazy straws is sold.

9. Need to tease the excitement of a Lions-Titans game a little more.

0-11 vs. 10-1! What a shit-tastic matchup! Kerry Collins might break the record for Yards Passed per Quarts of Alcohol Consumed! (Over his career, not one single game... Fran Tarkenton set that record after he learned that the Giants were trading him back to the Vikings.)

8. There’s a Termors marathon on.

You guys, I would watch Tremors any time ever.

7. Closeted fifteen year-old Guy Buckley totally meant to work up the nerve to come out this weekend, but saw Twilight instead.

We're all rooting for you, Guy! Also, we're all angry at you for upping Twilight's box-office draw, but don't let that stop you from being you.

6. It’s not. You just got punk’d by the calendar company.

In other news, wouldn't Julian Calendar be a sweet character name? Specifically for a supervillain. If anyone wants to start a comic book with me right now, give me a call. My phone number is 1-800-LISTBLOG. (The "G" is silent on your keypad.)

5. Baz Luhrman’s Australia, opening November 26th, 2008.

Also, Four Christmases, though.

4. Times Square.

Okay, this is a non-sequitur, but I have been pissed about Times Square lately, and earlier today, I was working on something, and I wrote this...

"The moth-to-the-flame allure of Times Square was frustrating, but it made sense. As fanny-packs and matching t-shirts bulged their way out of the 42nd Street subway stop, he was struck with yet another one of those this-thing-is-just-like-Life realizations. People come to Times Square because it's large, inscrutable, and promising. It's like anything people look forward to, any vessel of drastic change. It promises to improve and embellish upon anything you've previously experienced, to brush away everything that was mundane and simple, but when you finally get there... you stand around for a while, take a few pictures, and head over to the Applebee's. And the whole time, you're getting in the way of the folks who know better than to give themselves over to anticipation."

Okay, that was kinda sad and this item is a little bit of an overshare.

3. Stephen Colbert’s Christmas Special happened, people were like, “Fuck it.”

Remember when I was like, "Dudes, it is going to be great." CALLED IT.

2. Because I demand to play my annual Thanksgiving football game in the snow.

And snow means we can play tackle! Also, regardless of snow, the Vikings won today and everyone who knows anything was mad thankful.

1. Native American guilt.

Dudes. This is kind of effed, right? Like, I get it... family, football, turkey, cranberries, thanks, giving--all that. But, um, not to push my shit on you or anything, but let's not forget, ya know, the 60 guilders than Manhattan Island got sold for, and the Trail of Tears, smallpox blankets, and the Tomahawk Chop (PS: Fuck the Atlanta Braves)... There are totally non-messed up ways to celebrate this holiday, but that doesn't mean it isn't a messed up holiday.

1 comment:

El Gigante said...

No lie, there is among the Batman rogues a pre-existing character named Julian Day aka The Calendar Man. His best caper against Batman can be found in Batman: The Long Halloween.