Top 13 Reasons Thanksgiving Is So Late This Year

The 27th? THE TWENTY-SEVENTH!?!!?! That's boosh. There must be soooooome sort of explanation? OR THIRTEEN, EVEN. (That last sentence was meant to be read like Snagglepuss. Even.)

13. Stuffing crop coming in a tad lean this year.

Also, the can-shaped cranberry sauce fields were hit pretty hard by a coldsnap. 

12. Miss Tompkins' 2^nd graders haven’t finished their hand-turkeys yet.

Pilgrim hats and Native American head-dresses are right on schedule, though.

11. November is still hungover from Barack Obama won the election YAAAAAAY!!!

Yes, we mrghphhh... 

10. The over-commercialization of Thanksgiving.

Duane Reade spent a lot of money on its T-Day campaign and they are not quitting it until every last one of those plush turkeys and pilgrim-themed crazy straws is sold.

9. Need to tease the excitement of a Lions-Titans game a little more.

0-11 vs. 10-1! What a shit-tastic matchup! Kerry Collins might break the record for Yards Passed per Quarts of Alcohol Consumed! (Over his career, not one single game... Fran Tarkenton set that record after he learned that the Giants were trading him back to the Vikings.)

8. There’s a Termors marathon on.

You guys, I would watch Tremors any time ever.

7. Closeted fifteen year-old Guy Buckley totally meant to work up the nerve to come out this weekend, but saw Twilight instead.

We're all rooting for you, Guy! Also, we're all angry at you for upping Twilight's box-office draw, but don't let that stop you from being you.

6. It’s not. You just got punk’d by the calendar company.

In other news, wouldn't Julian Calendar be a sweet character name? Specifically for a supervillain. If anyone wants to start a comic book with me right now, give me a call. My phone number is 1-800-LISTBLOG. (The "G" is silent on your keypad.)

5. Baz Luhrman’s Australia, opening November 26^th, 2008.

Also, Four Christmases, though.

4. Times Square.

Okay, this is a non-sequitur, but I have been pissed about Times Square lately, and earlier today, I was working on something, and I wrote this...

"The moth-to-the-flame allure of Times Square was frustrating, but it made sense. As fanny-packs and matching t-shirts bulged their way out of the 42nd Street subway stop, he was struck with yet another one of those this-thing-is-just-like-Life realizations. People come to Times Square because it's large, inscrutable, and promising. It's like anything people look forward to, any vessel of drastic change. It promises to improve and embellish upon anything you've previously experienced, to brush away everything that was mundane and simple, but when you finally get there... you stand around for a while, take a few pictures, and head over to the Applebee's. And the whole time, you're getting in the way of the folks who know better than to give themselves over to anticipation."

Okay, that was kinda sad and this item is a little bit of an overshare.

3. Stephen Colbert’s Christmas Special happened, people were like, “Fuck it.”

Remember when I was like, "Dudes, it is going to be great." CALLED IT.

2. Because I demand to play my annual Thanksgiving football game in the snow.

And snow means we can play tackle! Also, regardless of snow, the Vikings won today and everyone who knows anything was mad thankful.

1. Native American guilt.

Dudes. This is kind of effed, right? Like, I get it... family, football, turkey, cranberries, thanks, giving--all that. But, um, not to push my shit on you or anything, but let's not forget, ya know, the 60 guilders than Manhattan Island got sold for, and the Trail of Tears, smallpox blankets, and the Tomahawk Chop (PS: Fuck the Atlanta Braves)... There are totally non-messed up ways to celebrate this holiday, but that doesn't mean it isn't a messed up holiday.

Top 12 Similarities Between Adrian Peterson and Me

Back in September, Rob wrote a neat little list about why he and BJ Novak should be good friends. This list stemmed from a frank g-chat conversation about our man-crushes. Though originally my list had been limited to Paul Rudd and Donald Barthelme, I must be honest with myself and include Adrian Peterson, starting running back for the Minnesota Vikings, as well. While I'm not so presumptuous as to suggest that AP and I should be best friends (since he's all the times busy carrying the Minnesota Vikings on his back), I think it is important to point out the following similarities!

12. Adrian Peterson and I are both 23.

We're off to a great start!

11. Adrian Peterson's last name is Peterson.

My name is Peter and I am someone's son!

10. Adrian Peterson left college after his junior year.

I could have graduated in three also, but I was too lazy to fit in Music Hum.

9. In college, Adrian Peterson was a runner-up for the Heisman Trophy.

In high school, I was a runner-up for the Outstanding Senior Award. Though Adrian Peterson no longer holds a grudge, my venomous rage is still brewing after all these years.

8. Once, Mel Kiper Jr. said of Adrian Peterson: "You can make the argument, [Peterson] is the best player in this draft, if not, certainly one of the top three."

Once, Mel Kiper Jr. said of me: "Oh no, [that kid] is knocking at my door again--I bet he wants to see my Big Board."

7. After being drafted, Adrian Peterson said, "I want to be the best player to ever play this game."

As a lifelong Vikings fan, I have to agree--I want him to be the best player, too.

6. Eight games into his career, Adrian Peterson set the NFL record for most rushing yards in a single game, with 296.

Eight days into my career, I'd set the lab record for high fives.

5. Adrian Peterson wears an Adrian Peterson jersey EVERY Sunday.

Earlier this year, I bought an Adrian Peterson jersey. I wear it most Sundays.

4. Adrian Peterson has rushed for 1,015 yards so far this year.

I am all the times rushing everywhere. There's so much to do!

3. Adrian Peterson's nickname is All Day, though he is sometimes called The Purple Jesus.

My nickname is Pete, though I am sometimes called Petey. Adrian Peterson and I both have nicknames.

2. Last week, Adrian Peterson scored the game winning touchdown against the Packers.

I've scored many game-winning touchdowns in no-holds-barred, trick-play-laden, snow-means-we-can-play-tackle sandlot football games.

1. Here is a picture of Adrian Peterson.

Here is a picture of me.

Top 11 Things That Will Definitely Happen During the 2008 NFL Season

Hey everybody! The NFL season started today! I usually make a lot of predictions about who's going to win what, however, they are usually relegated to the margins of my spiral ring notebooks. Well, this year, I have a blog, so I decided to put them here--in the form of headlines and quotes that will appear throughout the 2008 seasons.

11. Manning Completes Decidedly Less Spectacular 32-Yard Pass to Tyree (Week 5)

"Where are the fucking cameras and cereal endorsements?" the career backup demanded following the play.

10. Seattle Named Default NFC West Champ By Week 3 (Week 3... duh.)

"To be honest, I think the Rams took the year off to focus on special teams," said one league official.

9. New Orleans Saints Inspire a City Moderately Dampened By Gustav (Week 19)

Residents toweled off and looked on as their hometown heroes were later blown out in the playoffs.

8. Colts "Kinda Hoping Everyone Forgot About Them" (Week 1)

Dungy's Secret Plan: Don't Show Up For First Three Games, Get Written Off, Run the Table for Rest of Season

7. Rex Grossman Comes Out as Placekicker (Week 7)

In a press conference, Grossman admitted further, "My inability to perform as a professional quarterback is due to the fact that I am not a professional quarterback."

6. Favre Sets Record For Most Retirements in One Season (Week 17)

The New York QB finished 2008 with an astonishing 42 recorded retirements, including 7 during the Jets' bye week--however, he hopes to play in 2009.

5. Patriots Confused About Ramifications of Champagne Tradition Being Passed On (Week 2)

Belichick: "So... we drink it when we lose? Because we didn't break our own record? Look, this doesn't make sense--and I am supposed to be a genius."

4. Jon Kitna Scales Back This Year's Forecast, Predicts Lions Will Win "A Certain Number" Of Games (Week 1)

According to the journeyman QB's prognostication, the Detroit win total will almost definitely be a positive integer between 2 and pi/x.

3. Cincinnati Legally Eliminated From Playoffs (Week 6)

With the entire offensive line incarcerated for various assaults and batteries, the Bengals called 2008 a season.

2. Minnesota Vikings: We Are The Barack Obama of the NFL (Week 10)

Team Song Changed From "Skol, Vikings!" to That "Yes, We Can" Youtube Clip With Will.I.Am

1. Arizona Cardinals: We Are the Minnesota Vikings of the NFL (Week 11)

Team Song Changed from "The Cardinals are Charging" to "Skol, Cardinals!"

Oh! Also! Some late additions due to Tom Brady's little situation...

Nation on Brady's ACL: HOLY SHIT!!!!!, Brady on Brady's ACL: Holy shit...

Brett Favre: "I Will Also Be the Patriots Quarterback"

And as a special (non-funny) bonus! My actual predictions (these were made before today's slate of games... is that unprofessional? Also, just to note, even without Brady, I think the Pats make the playoffs. Cassell didn't look that shaky and the D was pretty solid):

1. Pittsburgh

2. San Diego

3. New England

4. Jacksonville

Wild Cards: Indianapolis, Buffalo

Worst Team: Oakland

Round 1: New England over Buffalo, Indy over Jacksonville

Round 2: Pittsburgh over Indy, San Diego over New England

AFC Championship: San Diego over Pittsburgh

1. Dallas

2. New Orleans

3. Minnesota

4. Seattle

Wild Cards: Philadelphia, Carolina

Worst Team: St. Louis

Round 1: Minnesota over Carolina, Philly over Seattle

Round 2: Philly over Dallas, Minnesota over New Orleans

NFC Championship: Minnesota over Philly

So, who wins the Super Bowl, Minnesota or San Diego? AMERICA, that's who. Because it'd be a freaking awesome Super Bowl. (Obviously since this is the most homer-iffic set of predictions ever, I think the Vikes come out on top.)