Top 11 Things That Will Definitely Happen During the 2008 NFL Season

Hey everybody! The NFL season started today! I usually make a lot of predictions about who's going to win what, however, they are usually relegated to the margins of my spiral ring notebooks. Well, this year, I have a blog, so I decided to put them here--in the form of headlines and quotes that will appear throughout the 2008 seasons.

11. Manning Completes Decidedly Less Spectacular 32-Yard Pass to Tyree (Week 5)

"Where are the fucking cameras and cereal endorsements?" the career backup demanded following the play.

10. Seattle Named Default NFC West Champ By Week 3 (Week 3... duh.)

"To be honest, I think the Rams took the year off to focus on special teams," said one league official.

9. New Orleans Saints Inspire a City Moderately Dampened By Gustav (Week 19)

Residents toweled off and looked on as their hometown heroes were later blown out in the playoffs.

8. Colts "Kinda Hoping Everyone Forgot About Them" (Week 1)

Dungy's Secret Plan: Don't Show Up For First Three Games, Get Written Off, Run the Table for Rest of Season

7. Rex Grossman Comes Out as Placekicker (Week 7)

In a press conference, Grossman admitted further, "My inability to perform as a professional quarterback is due to the fact that I am not a professional quarterback."

6. Favre Sets Record For Most Retirements in One Season (Week 17)

The New York QB finished 2008 with an astonishing 42 recorded retirements, including 7 during the Jets' bye week--however, he hopes to play in 2009.

5. Patriots Confused About Ramifications of Champagne Tradition Being Passed On (Week 2)

Belichick: "So... we drink it when we lose? Because we didn't break our own record? Look, this doesn't make sense--and I am supposed to be a genius."

4. Jon Kitna Scales Back This Year's Forecast, Predicts Lions Will Win "A Certain Number" Of Games (Week 1)

According to the journeyman QB's prognostication, the Detroit win total will almost definitely be a positive integer between 2 and pi/x.

3. Cincinnati Legally Eliminated From Playoffs (Week 6)

With the entire offensive line incarcerated for various assaults and batteries, the Bengals called 2008 a season.

2. Minnesota Vikings: We Are The Barack Obama of the NFL (Week 10)

Team Song Changed From "Skol, Vikings!" to That "Yes, We Can" Youtube Clip With Will.I.Am

1. Arizona Cardinals: We Are the Minnesota Vikings of the NFL (Week 11)

Team Song Changed from "The Cardinals are Charging" to "Skol, Cardinals!"

Oh! Also! Some late additions due to Tom Brady's little situation...

Nation on Brady's ACL: HOLY SHIT!!!!!, Brady on Brady's ACL: Holy shit...

Brett Favre: "I Will Also Be the Patriots Quarterback"

And as a special (non-funny) bonus! My actual predictions (these were made before today's slate of games... is that unprofessional? Also, just to note, even without Brady, I think the Pats make the playoffs. Cassell didn't look that shaky and the D was pretty solid):

1. Pittsburgh

2. San Diego

3. New England

4. Jacksonville

Wild Cards: Indianapolis, Buffalo

Worst Team: Oakland

Round 1: New England over Buffalo, Indy over Jacksonville

Round 2: Pittsburgh over Indy, San Diego over New England

AFC Championship: San Diego over Pittsburgh

1. Dallas

2. New Orleans

3. Minnesota

4. Seattle

Wild Cards: Philadelphia, Carolina

Worst Team: St. Louis

Round 1: Minnesota over Carolina, Philly over Seattle

Round 2: Philly over Dallas, Minnesota over New Orleans

NFC Championship: Minnesota over Philly

So, who wins the Super Bowl, Minnesota or San Diego? AMERICA, that's who. Because it'd be a freaking awesome Super Bowl. (Obviously since this is the most homer-iffic set of predictions ever, I think the Vikes come out on top.)

The Top 12 Battles of All Time, Ever

12. The First Battle of Bull Run

Soooo much better than that Second Battle of Bull Run retread bullshit. And they ended the same way, too! Honestly, I wish you all you bushy-bearded Civil War generals would stop pandering to the public and give us an honest-to-God original bloodbath for once.

11. The Battle of Guadalcanal

This battle is the story of the movie The Thin Red Line, which I liked a lot and so did my mom. Once in a while, my mom and dad argue about whether or not they've seen this movie, but they did and they liked it. Well, at least, my mom liked it.

10. The Battle of Saratoga

Dude, I do NOT mean the turning point of the Revolutionary War. This one time, my buddy Kyle and I went up to Saratoga to visit our mutual bro at Skidmore and to hit the race track... anyway, we get a little too drunk watchin' the horsies and Kyle's talkin' to this girl whose like, hot but not, y'know, hot. Turns out this chick--Jessica or Tammy, or y'know, one of those names--this chick is the girlfriend of some guy who owns this horse who just won big. So this guy gets in Kyle's face, obviously, and he's all, "Why you up on my girl, bro?" and Kyle goes, "Why don't you go play with your horse, guy, 'cause she's my girl now," when all of a sudden, our bro Liam pulls out a freaking gun, man!!! I'm like WTF DUDE but he's not backin' down, 'cause see Liam had like, a really rough childhood, man, because his dad was in Panama or some shit and I guess he saw some stuff there that was pretty hard to deal with. Anyway, Liam cools off eventually, but not before Kyle punches that guy's horse. Yeah, man. THAT was the Battle of Saratoga.

9. John Battle (point guard, Atlanta Hawks/Cleveland Cavaliers)

It was a hard fight between John Battle and Kenny Battle (who played for the Suns). Ultimately, even though I had Kenny's rookie card, John played ten seasons to Kenny's five. Plus his Wikipedia page is longer.

8. The Battle of the Bulge

But not the WWII battle... I'm talking tummies! Let me tell you about my new diet, ladies. It's a DIET diet! Because I'm always hungry and I can't lose the weight. It's like I'm allergic to being skinny. Am I right, ladies? I tried to fit into my size 2 jeans from high-school the other day. It didn't work! How's this for irony--I wouldn't have a problem fitting a man into my schedule, but I can't find one, but the jeans I found from high-school don't fit me! You know what I'm talking about, ladies!

7. Thinly veiled homophobia vs. Thinly veiled homophobe

Okay, to be totally honest, this entry was the entire reason for the list. Some awful-looking high school kids were on the subway playing would you rather and all their questions were so brain-breakingly terrible (Eg. "Okay, okay... I got one... wait, wait... I got one... would you rather... have sex with Mr. Shermer every day for the rest of high school... OR... or, or, or... wait! I'm still going! GOD, Tommy... every friggin' day... I'm just trying to would-you-rather and you gotta interrupt me! What the frig! No, I will NOT calm down, Thomas. I will NOT. WHAT?! I can't even believe you would say that? I most certainly totally do not think Mr. Shermer is hot... that is such BS. Tommy, I work super hard for my grades, way more hard than you do, even though you don't have to work hard because your mom is the head of the PTA, and I can't even believe that you would insinuate that my five straight quarters of Second or First Honors are the result of a... a... what did you call it... a hand-whatever during my second period study hall. You make me sick, Tommy Greenspan. What? Oh, my would-you-rather... um... I forgot.) that I had to come up with my own. So, America, which is worse? Thinly veiled homophobia or a thinly veiled homophobe?

6. The battle with the bottle

I hear this phrase a lot in lieu of "crippling alcoholism"--which, it should be noted, did NOT appear on my previous list. I think media-types have this weird impression that if they gussy up pervasive health concerns with consonance, people will just drink it up. (Ooh, too soon on that one.) I mean, if there was an alopecia outbreak, I guarantee you every single TV news magazine would run the story as "Hair Scare!" It also reminds me of that one Nickelback song. Wait. Why are these good reasons for this item to be on my list?

MID-LIST RE-CAST!

6A. AKA The Real Number 6 AKA The Real Killers AKA Leaked New Killers Album!!! AKA Maybe Now We'll Get Some Hits AKA The Battle Between Me and Rob Over Me Not Including Merkin Muffley on My List of the Top 16 Fictional Presidents

Yeah. I didn't include him. It's true. I didn't have anything funny to say. It's like, "Oh, there's Van Gogh's Starry Night, why don't I just say something beautiful and post-impressionistic about it." You can't just be funny when you're talking about something that's actually really funny. I'd sound dumb. And... although dumb people... can be funny... they shouldn't. Because this is the internet. And there are higher standards here.

5. Wonderwall vs. Boulevard of Broken Dreams (also feat. Travis and Eminem (feat. Aerosmith))

It is no secret that I am a fan of mash-ups. For a while, Becky Abrams called me "Mash-Up". This was shortly before or after the time period in which Ms. Abrams called me "Departed". Anyway, this is probably the greatest mash-up ever conceived and it was introduced to me by one Ms. Caitlin Shure. It features a seamless marriage of Oasis' seminal 90s classic "Wonderwall" and Green Day's seminal Oasis rip-off/homage (or ripomage), "Boulevard of Broken Dreams". BUT THAT'S NOT ALL. It also throws in a snippet of Travis' "Writing to Reach You" as a bridge and wraps everything up with that Eminem song that samples Aerosmith's "Dream On". META-MASHUP! Girl Talk, eat your heart out! And then it ends with the sound of a nuclear blast. It's like Batman and the guy in Dark Knight who pretends to be Batman had a baby, and then that baby got raised by Jesus and Mohammed, except Mohammed actually speaks with God's voice, which is, in fact, also Jesus' voice.

FIFTH. BEST. BATTLE. EVER.

4. Battles (the band)

Have you heard the song "Atlas"? It is great. It is actually the only Battles song I listen to over and over, especially when I'm running, which I do a lot, because I am very fit. (Although I didn't run this morning, even though I told Tom there was a really good chance I would.) Anyway, this is a great band, but you shouldn't get them confused with Beatles, which is something different.

3. Battlebots

ROBOTS FIGHTING. A gift from high-concept heaven. They even had failed Minnesota Vikings quarterback Sean Salisbury on to do color commentary! Ah, what a perfect portrait of late 90's American prosperity. "Well, hot damn! We've got a budget surplus, no active military engagement, and gas is like, a nickel for a shitload. Let's build us some robots and make 'em fight! Hey, maybe we should do the Macarena while we build and get our hair cut in the Rachel fashion, as popularized by the 90s TV show Friends!"

Basically, Battlebots were cock-fights for the information age. Except no one does battle with bots anymore in 2008. And I'm pretty sure cock-fighting is still a huge problem in Louisiana.

2. "The Battle of Who Could Care Less"

The first single from Whatever and Ever Amen, the second album from Ben Folds Five. Though it is most certainly a different song than Brick, the better-known, higher-charting second single from that self-same album, The Battle of Who Could Care Less is certainly a battle, and therefore, it belongs on this list. Also, in this song, Folds namedrops Rockford Files, The Cure, and made up military personages Major Boredom and General Apathy... which is sort of a time-traveling reference to a great gag on How I Met Your Mother?

1. The Butter Battle Book

The moral of the Butter Battle (and, I suppose, its eponymously titled book) is that you shouldn't make a nuclear war over toast. I don't really like toast, so I totally agree. After reading this book, I never, ever made a nuclear war again--toast-provoked or otherwise. However, when I was just a kid (and had yet to read The Butter Battle Book) I was all the times making nuclear war on just about anyone who would listen... the old Polish lady next door, my puppets, Yuri Andropov. Anyone. But I'm all better now!

The Top 10 Literary Devices of All Time

When you are writing a work of literature, it is important to use "devices" to your best advantage. For you history buffs out there, the literary device was accidentally invented by Linus Pauling in 1894. Though he had initially been attempting to develop a crude prototype of the Brain-to-Machine Interface, Pauling left his test brains out overnight next to a leaky Erlenmeyer flask containing some spare cations and in the morning, he was thrilled to find literary devices all over his laboratory! Today, writers have developed at least 1,704 individual literary devices, although they are sometimes combined for greater effect. These devices are seen the condiments of the novel--bringing out the flavor ("themes") of the meat ("the plot") and pretty much telling the reader what he/she really needs to know for the quiz. We have performed an exhaustive meta-analysis to bring you the top ten literary devices...

10. It was ultimately about the journey, and not the destination.

Technically a literary technique and not a literary device, this is our Tropical Storm on a list chock-full of Cat 5 Hurricanes. Frankly, I think this is a bullshit number 10, but meta-analyses don't lie, so whatever. This technique works best when the destination has been blown up or washed away by a flood. That way, your heroes have no chance to go to an awesome party in the destination and reconsider their conclusions.

9. We are part of a secret experiment run by the government!

Usually, this only works if your setting is an island or space station, although it is rumored that the original ending of the beloved television series Cheers was an all-out deployment of this literary device.

8. Love conquered all, however, the main characters died.

The desired effect here is to confuse the reader. You want the reader to say, "Hey! John and Mary both died... this was a sad book and therefore I am unhappy!" However, they will also be struck by thoughts of, "But wait, through John and Mary's deaths, the supporting characters gained a better understanding of their own existences... and so have I?" The average reader will then most likely descend into a spiral of self-torment and deep, existential anxiety. If you are friends with a licensed therapist, you can put their phone number at the end of the book and work out some sort of deal for a portion of the profits!

7. We offer high-quality boxsprings at competitive prices!

Note: This is usually only used in home furnishing catalogues and the plays of Anton Chekov.

6. The President, it turns out, was a robot! But you are somehow his son?

If you can work in lasers and a monologue about the illusory nature of human consciousness, you are fucking golden.

5. Through good times and bad, the band kept rocking in the free world. Later, in 1988, they would reach their ultimate goal of putting out a moderately successful greatest hits album.

Congratulations! You have written a novel about the band Journey. Excellent titles for your novel would be "Any Way You Want It", "Neal and Steve's Crazy Idea That Just So Happened to Work", or "It Was All About the Journey". If you choose option three, you have successfully combined two literary devices/techniques!

4. While attempting suicide, the protagonist realized that he remembered where the money was. He wouldn't be going to prison after all!

The success of this device is totally dependent on the awesomeness of your protagonist's suicide-method-of-choice. No one wants to read a book that ends, "'Oh, duh,' thought Eugene, 'it's totally in my sock drawer!' And with that, he put the gun down and led a happy, full life." However, if Eugene has rigged himself up to some sort of highspeed train-bomb or--even better--if he has hurled himself into the cougar enclosure at the zoo, then you have a real pressure-cooker of a finale! Do that!

3. All of the main characters are actually cats.

Note: Do NOT under any circumstances disclose or make references to this fact prior to deploying the literary device. If on page 250 of "Cat Party: The Party That Was For Cats" you throw in a line like, "By the way, Ernst, Gabby, and Martinique are all shorthair tabbies," no one will care. But imagine how much better Crime and Punishment could have been!!!

2. You have chosen the wrong option and your Choose-Your-Own-Adventure novel has ended in a fiery disaster.

It is very important that you don't rig the book to explode when your reader chooses the wrong option, however, no matter how much sense that might make to you. PS: If that makes sense to you, I'm totally with you! It's like, fuck you, dude--you make choices and you have to live with them. Sometimes, in a place called REAL LIFE, you can't just close the book when you have stumbled into the cave of an angry yeti. You are just screwed... yeti-style.

1. The secret/treasure/artifact was inside us all along.

Definitely the best literary device you can use. It makes the reader feel good, because maybe they can be a hero too, although, in all likelihood, they won't be. But it's like, hey... maybe you can just not work on self-betterment at all, and still, someday, the key to saving the universe will magically pop out of you. This works doubly well when your main character's love interest actually IS the artifact AND she has to be DESTROYED for the universe to be saved. WHOA! Conflict! But we'll save "conflict" for another list entirely...