Sunday, September 7, 2008

Top 11 Things That Will Definitely Happen During the 2008 NFL Season

Hey everybody! The NFL season started today! I usually make a lot of predictions about who's going to win what, however, they are usually relegated to the margins of my spiral ring notebooks. Well, this year, I have a blog, so I decided to put them here--in the form of headlines and quotes that will appear throughout the 2008 seasons.

11. Manning Completes Decidedly Less Spectacular 32-Yard Pass to Tyree (Week 5)

"Where are the fucking cameras and cereal endorsements?" the career backup demanded following the play.

10. Seattle Named Default NFC West Champ By Week 3 (Week 3... duh.)

"To be honest, I think the Rams took the year off to focus on special teams," said one league official.

9. New Orleans Saints Inspire a City Moderately Dampened By Gustav (Week 19)

Residents toweled off and looked on as their hometown heroes were later blown out in the playoffs.

8. Colts "Kinda Hoping Everyone Forgot About Them" (Week 1)

Dungy's Secret Plan: Don't Show Up For First Three Games, Get Written Off, Run the Table for Rest of Season

7. Rex Grossman Comes Out as Placekicker (Week 7)

In a press conference, Grossman admitted further, "My inability to perform as a professional quarterback is due to the fact that I am not a professional quarterback."

6. Favre Sets Record For Most Retirements in One Season (Week 17)

The New York QB finished 2008 with an astonishing 42 recorded retirements, including 7 during the Jets' bye week--however, he hopes to play in 2009.

5. Patriots Confused About Ramifications of Champagne Tradition Being Passed On (Week 2)

Belichick: "So... we drink it when we lose? Because we didn't break our own record? Look, this doesn't make sense--and I am supposed to be a genius."

4. Jon Kitna Scales Back This Year's Forecast, Predicts Lions Will Win "A Certain Number" Of Games (Week 1)

According to the journeyman QB's prognostication, the Detroit win total will almost definitely be a positive integer between 2 and pi/x.

3. Cincinnati Legally Eliminated From Playoffs (Week 6)

With the entire offensive line incarcerated for various assaults and batteries, the Bengals called 2008 a season.

2. Minnesota Vikings: We Are The Barack Obama of the NFL (Week 10)

Team Song Changed From "Skol, Vikings!" to That "Yes, We Can" Youtube Clip With Will.I.Am

1. Arizona Cardinals: We Are the Minnesota Vikings of the NFL (Week 11)

Team Song Changed from "The Cardinals are Charging" to "Skol, Cardinals!"

Oh! Also! Some late additions due to Tom Brady's little situation...

Nation on Brady's ACL: HOLY SHIT!!!!!, Brady on Brady's ACL: Holy shit...

Brett Favre: "I Will Also Be the Patriots Quarterback"

And as a special (non-funny) bonus! My actual predictions (these were made before today's slate of games... is that unprofessional? Also, just to note, even without Brady, I think the Pats make the playoffs. Cassell didn't look that shaky and the D was pretty solid):

1. Pittsburgh

2. San Diego

3. New England

4. Jacksonville

Wild Cards: Indianapolis, Buffalo

Worst Team: Oakland

Round 1: New England over Buffalo, Indy over Jacksonville

Round 2: Pittsburgh over Indy, San Diego over New England

AFC Championship: San Diego over Pittsburgh

1. Dallas

2. New Orleans

3. Minnesota

4. Seattle

Wild Cards: Philadelphia, Carolina

Worst Team: St. Louis

Round 1: Minnesota over Carolina, Philly over Seattle

Round 2: Philly over Dallas, Minnesota over New Orleans

NFC Championship: Minnesota over Philly

So, who wins the Super Bowl, Minnesota or San Diego? AMERICA, that's who. Because it'd be a freaking awesome Super Bowl. (Obviously since this is the most homer-iffic set of predictions ever, I think the Vikes come out on top.)

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