Hey everybody! The NFL season started today! I usually make a lot of predictions about who's going to win what, however, they are usually relegated to the margins of my spiral ring notebooks. Well, this year, I have a blog, so I decided to put them here--in the form of headlines and quotes that will appear throughout the 2008 seasons.
11. Manning Completes Decidedly Less Spectacular 32-Yard Pass to Tyree (Week 5)
"Where are the fucking cameras and cereal endorsements?" the career backup demanded following the play.
10. Seattle Named Default NFC West Champ By Week 3 (Week 3... duh.)
"To be honest, I think the Rams took the year off to focus on special teams," said one league official.
9. New Orleans Saints Inspire a City Moderately Dampened By Gustav (Week 19)
Residents toweled off and looked on as their hometown heroes were later blown out in the playoffs.
8. Colts "Kinda Hoping Everyone Forgot About Them" (Week 1)
Dungy's Secret Plan: Don't Show Up For First Three Games, Get Written Off, Run the Table for Rest of Season
7. Rex Grossman Comes Out as Placekicker (Week 7)
In a press conference, Grossman admitted further, "My inability to perform as a professional quarterback is due to the fact that I am not a professional quarterback."
6. Favre Sets Record For Most Retirements in One Season (Week 17)
The New York QB finished 2008 with an astonishing 42 recorded retirements, including 7 during the Jets' bye week--however, he hopes to play in 2009.
5. Patriots Confused About Ramifications of Champagne Tradition Being Passed On (Week 2)
Belichick: "So... we drink it when we lose? Because we didn't break our own record? Look, this doesn't make sense--and I am supposed to be a genius."
4. Jon Kitna Scales Back This Year's Forecast, Predicts Lions Will Win "A Certain Number" Of Games (Week 1)
According to the journeyman QB's prognostication, the Detroit win total will almost definitely be a positive integer between 2 and pi/x.
3. Cincinnati Legally Eliminated From Playoffs (Week 6)
With the entire offensive line incarcerated for various assaults and batteries, the Bengals called 2008 a season.
2. Minnesota Vikings: We Are The Barack Obama of the NFL (Week 10)
Team Song Changed From "Skol, Vikings!" to That "Yes, We Can" Youtube Clip With Will.I.Am
1. Arizona Cardinals: We Are the Minnesota Vikings of the NFL (Week 11)
Nation on Brady's ACL: HOLY SHIT!!!!!, Brady on Brady's ACL: Holy shit...
Brett Favre: "I Will Also Be the Patriots Quarterback"
2. San Diego
3. New England
Wild Cards: Indianapolis, Buffalo
Worst Team: Oakland
Round 1: New England over Buffalo, Indy over Jacksonville
Round 2: Pittsburgh over Indy, San Diego over New England
AFC Championship: San Diego over Pittsburgh
2. New Orleans
Wild Cards: Philadelphia, Carolina
Worst Team: St. Louis
Round 1: Minnesota over Carolina, Philly over Seattle
Round 2: Philly over Dallas, Minnesota over New Orleans
NFC Championship: Minnesota over Philly
So, who wins the Super Bowl, Minnesota or San Diego? AMERICA, that's who. Because it'd be a freaking awesome Super Bowl. (Obviously since this is the most homer-iffic set of predictions ever, I think the Vikes come out on top.)