Top 11 Things That Will Definitely Happen During the 2008 NFL Season

Hey everybody! The NFL season started today! I usually make a lot of predictions about who's going to win what, however, they are usually relegated to the margins of my spiral ring notebooks. Well, this year, I have a blog, so I decided to put them here--in the form of headlines and quotes that will appear throughout the 2008 seasons.

11. Manning Completes Decidedly Less Spectacular 32-Yard Pass to Tyree (Week 5)

"Where are the fucking cameras and cereal endorsements?" the career backup demanded following the play.

10. Seattle Named Default NFC West Champ By Week 3 (Week 3... duh.)

"To be honest, I think the Rams took the year off to focus on special teams," said one league official.

9. New Orleans Saints Inspire a City Moderately Dampened By Gustav (Week 19)

Residents toweled off and looked on as their hometown heroes were later blown out in the playoffs.

8. Colts "Kinda Hoping Everyone Forgot About Them" (Week 1)

Dungy's Secret Plan: Don't Show Up For First Three Games, Get Written Off, Run the Table for Rest of Season

7. Rex Grossman Comes Out as Placekicker (Week 7)

In a press conference, Grossman admitted further, "My inability to perform as a professional quarterback is due to the fact that I am not a professional quarterback."

6. Favre Sets Record For Most Retirements in One Season (Week 17)

The New York QB finished 2008 with an astonishing 42 recorded retirements, including 7 during the Jets' bye week--however, he hopes to play in 2009.

5. Patriots Confused About Ramifications of Champagne Tradition Being Passed On (Week 2)

Belichick: "So... we drink it when we lose? Because we didn't break our own record? Look, this doesn't make sense--and I am supposed to be a genius."

4. Jon Kitna Scales Back This Year's Forecast, Predicts Lions Will Win "A Certain Number" Of Games (Week 1)

According to the journeyman QB's prognostication, the Detroit win total will almost definitely be a positive integer between 2 and pi/x.

3. Cincinnati Legally Eliminated From Playoffs (Week 6)

With the entire offensive line incarcerated for various assaults and batteries, the Bengals called 2008 a season.

2. Minnesota Vikings: We Are The Barack Obama of the NFL (Week 10)

Team Song Changed From "Skol, Vikings!" to That "Yes, We Can" Youtube Clip With Will.I.Am

1. Arizona Cardinals: We Are the Minnesota Vikings of the NFL (Week 11)

Team Song Changed from "The Cardinals are Charging" to "Skol, Cardinals!"

Oh! Also! Some late additions due to Tom Brady's little situation...

Nation on Brady's ACL: HOLY SHIT!!!!!, Brady on Brady's ACL: Holy shit...

Brett Favre: "I Will Also Be the Patriots Quarterback"

And as a special (non-funny) bonus! My actual predictions (these were made before today's slate of games... is that unprofessional? Also, just to note, even without Brady, I think the Pats make the playoffs. Cassell didn't look that shaky and the D was pretty solid):

1. Pittsburgh

2. San Diego

3. New England

4. Jacksonville

Wild Cards: Indianapolis, Buffalo

Worst Team: Oakland

Round 1: New England over Buffalo, Indy over Jacksonville

Round 2: Pittsburgh over Indy, San Diego over New England

AFC Championship: San Diego over Pittsburgh

1. Dallas

2. New Orleans

3. Minnesota

4. Seattle

Wild Cards: Philadelphia, Carolina

Worst Team: St. Louis

Round 1: Minnesota over Carolina, Philly over Seattle

Round 2: Philly over Dallas, Minnesota over New Orleans

NFC Championship: Minnesota over Philly

So, who wins the Super Bowl, Minnesota or San Diego? AMERICA, that's who. Because it'd be a freaking awesome Super Bowl. (Obviously since this is the most homer-iffic set of predictions ever, I think the Vikes come out on top.)

Top 36 Things Cars Have Been Compared to in Commercials

Note: I have only seen several car commercials. A great deal of these are informed inferences based upon my knowledge of physics, overproof liquor, and the Popol Vuh, the creation text of Pre-Classic Mayan Civilization.

36. Sharks

35. Horse hooves

34. Full horses

33. Derek Jeter

32. The German Blitzkrieg

31. American insecurity

30. Frivolous addiction

29. Chrome, split-infintives

28. The slow decay of true love

27. Children, children, everywhere children!

26. Thorstein Veblen's The Theory of Leisure Class

25. 4/7ths of the Deadly Sins (YOU GUESS WHICH ONES!)

24. Unapologetically unbalanced equations

23. Mitral valve prolapse

22. The opposite of inertia

21. Numbers... letters?

20. Panthers of unspecified and non-threatening color

19. Former Minnesota Vikings quarterback Fran Tarkenton

18. J. Geils of J. Geils Band

17. A loveless marriage

16. Something either "crunked up" or "cracked out"... we were too frightened of the spokesman to pay attention

15. A withering tolerance for foreigners

14. Alan Alda

13. The cortico-striatal loop

12. The flying buttress

11. Boston's "More Than a Feeling"

10. That scene in Garden State where they yell into the abyss--they totally connected with the chaotic uncertainty of life in that moment, dawg!

9. Shadowy figures, burning cities

8. Speed Chess

7. Speed 2

6. Bring It On 2: Bring It On Again

5. Bring It On 21: Attention, To Whoever Brought It And Neglected To Label It, It Is Waiting For You By The Customer Service Desk

4. The Dustbowl

3. Mountains (but only the cute ones)

2. Tax-paying moonshiners

1. John McCain 2008

Top 11 Most Fun Lies to Tell

11. "I can't come to your party because I'll be watching preseason football."

10. "Excuse me, I think we went to high school together! You probably don't remember me because I've changed a lot. As a matter of fact, I think we were in the same English class? Mr. Kenny's class! You're absolutely right, that was his name... Mr. Kenny. Oh man. Good times. So, can I buy you a drink?"

9. "When I was a child, I set the world record for solving Olmec's Temple on Legends of the Hidden Temple. I also punched host Kirk Fogg in the face and refused to return the Cursed Flightplan of Amelia Earhart to the props department."

8. "We're allowed to do that at Mommy's house."

7. "My car can turn into a robot, but only when you aren't around because it's shy."

6. "I care deeply about the fact that Rob isn't letting this whole Merkin Muffley snub thing go."

5. "I'm pregnant."

4. "We experienced a very similar situation once while I was a supporting cast member on Everybody Loves Raymond."

3. "You can probably clean that up with club soda."

2. "I am a licensed physician and in my professional opinion, you have a terrible disease."

1. "Lisa Loeb is dead."

(credit where credit is due -- I owe this to Lakshmi)