Top 11 Variations on "11:11, Make a Wish!"

11. 11:11, eat a fish.

It's lucky to say this when it's 11:11 and there are appetizing fish at your disposal.

10. 11:11, hey, where's Mitch?
It's lucky to say this when it's 11:11 and your friend Mitch has gone missing. Although not so lucky for Mitch. Sorry Mitch! (And if you're not dead, can you pick up a six-pack?)

9. 11:11, let's rent Hitch.

It's lucky to say this when it's 11:11 and you are the sort of person who wants to watch Hitch. (If you are this kind of person, I feel that luck doesn't apply to you. In a bad way.)

8. 11:11, Annabeth Gish.
It is lucky to say this when it's 11:11 and you have a deep, abiding love for Timothy Hutton's good, solid, 7-and-a-1/2 girlfriend from Beautiful Girls.

7. 11:11, are you rich?
This is lucky to say when it's 11:11 and you genuinely don't know if your friend is wealthy or not.

6. 11:11, do that dish!
This is lucky to say when it's 11:11 and there are uncleaned cutlery items in the sink. Being clean is a lifestyle choice, nerdos.

5. 11:11, Taylor Kitsch.
This is lucky to say when it's 11:11 and you want to give some props to the broody dude who portrays Tim Riggins on Friday Night Lights. Speaking of which, why is he not my best friend yet?

4. 11:11, learn to stitch.
This is lucky to say when it's 11:11 and your friend has yet to make good on their promise to learn to stitch. If you are also bleeding from a gaping head wound while saying this--forget it, brother... it's too late.

3. 11:11, shit--a witch!

This is lucky to say when it's 11:11 and all of a sudden you see a witch. But maybe it is not so lucky that your are in the presence of a witch? Why are you hanging out in a place where there are witches? Rethink your life, Mother Jefferson.

2. 11:11, you're a bitch.

This is lucky to say when it's 11:11 and Claire is being a total bitch. 

1. 11:11, find your niche.

This is lucky to say when it's 11:11 and you feel like inspiring Claire to make some big life decisions.

Top 27 Fake Gang Names

Um, so I was going to do, like, a good list... but instead I read a lot about gang warfare on Wikipedia. Is there a truer sign of privilege? Anyway, I was doing that because I watched Gangs of New York the other day, a movie I defend beyond its own grave. Seriously. I would put myself through a What Dreams May Come-type scenario for that movie. Hell and back, babe. That scene with Day-Lewis draped in the American flag, waking Leo up after a crazy night of Cameron Diaz (PS: Who let YOU in this movie, period-piece-version-of-Andie-MacDowell?)... oh man. Chilling. Beautiful. "I never had a son," he says! That's how he intimates, "I feel like a father to you," he implies the symbolic relationship by pointing out the absence of the real thing! 

Aaaaaaaah. Anyway, here are some fake gang names I made up. USE THEM! DON'T GET ARRESTED THOUGH! By the way, Dead Rabbits? Really? That's what you called yourselves, guys?

27. The Muckdogs

26. The Caps and Gowns

25. The Flying Squirrels

24. The Nasties

23. The Once and Future Kings

22. The Band-aid Boys

21. The Ragin’ Aged

20. The Blastocysts

19. The Blue Bastards

18. The Green Bastards

17. The Periwinkle Bastards

16. The Third-stringers

15. The DVR Heroes

14. The Fast Babies

13. The Etruscans

12. The Black Amish

11. The Sharkjets

10. The Jetsharks

9. The Beestings

8. The Backwards Dicks

7. The Robo-Gators

6. The Greek Jesters

5. The Sixth Avenue Existentialists

4. The Dutch Ticklers

3. The Bruces

2. The Winsome Charlies

1. The Chicago Gaylords

The Top 33 Fictional Haircuts

I wrote this on the Amtrak train from Buffalo to NYC, you guys! That train ride was a legitimately bad experience! Don't worry, though. Tomorrow, you will get the many thoughts that ran through my head as the train whistled (or lurched, at times) through the New York state wilderness.

Today, though... fictional haircuts! They're haircuts that don't exist! So don't ask the barber for them or he/she will look at you funny.

33. The Belvedere/Belding

32. The Common Loon

31. The Joe Vs. The Volcano

30. The Dan Uggla

29. The G.K. Chesterton

28. The Look Lively

27. The Six Figure Celery

26. The Duckblind

25. The Saltlick

24. The Dice-K

23. The Eager Mike

22. The Times They Are A-Changin'

21. The Dennis Franz

20. The Sidd Finch

19. The Dad Can't Lose

18. The Weekend Updike

17. The Thurman Bunsen

16. The Leaning Loomis

15. The Capitol Steps

14. The Mitch McCroy Special

13. The Manifest Destiny

12. The American Jesus

11. The American Public

10. The More than a Feeling

9. The Comeback Kid

8. The Cardiac Kid

7. The Cincinnati Kid

6. The Best Years of Our Lives

5. The Chuck (as well as its variants, The Flipped Chuck, The Flopped Chuck, The 

Flung Chuck, and The Far-Fetched, but Still Entertaining Chuck)

4. The Ghostbuster

3. The Gutbuster

3. The Buttguster

2. The Boastguster

1. The Ghostbuster 2

Top 36 Things Cars Have Been Compared to in Commercials

Note: I have only seen several car commercials. A great deal of these are informed inferences based upon my knowledge of physics, overproof liquor, and the Popol Vuh, the creation text of Pre-Classic Mayan Civilization.

36. Sharks

35. Horse hooves

34. Full horses

33. Derek Jeter

32. The German Blitzkrieg

31. American insecurity

30. Frivolous addiction

29. Chrome, split-infintives

28. The slow decay of true love

27. Children, children, everywhere children!

26. Thorstein Veblen's The Theory of Leisure Class

25. 4/7ths of the Deadly Sins (YOU GUESS WHICH ONES!)

24. Unapologetically unbalanced equations

23. Mitral valve prolapse

22. The opposite of inertia

21. Numbers... letters?

20. Panthers of unspecified and non-threatening color

19. Former Minnesota Vikings quarterback Fran Tarkenton

18. J. Geils of J. Geils Band

17. A loveless marriage

16. Something either "crunked up" or "cracked out"... we were too frightened of the spokesman to pay attention

15. A withering tolerance for foreigners

14. Alan Alda

13. The cortico-striatal loop

12. The flying buttress

11. Boston's "More Than a Feeling"

10. That scene in Garden State where they yell into the abyss--they totally connected with the chaotic uncertainty of life in that moment, dawg!

9. Shadowy figures, burning cities

8. Speed Chess

7. Speed 2

6. Bring It On 2: Bring It On Again

5. Bring It On 21: Attention, To Whoever Brought It And Neglected To Label It, It Is Waiting For You By The Customer Service Desk

4. The Dustbowl

3. Mountains (but only the cute ones)

2. Tax-paying moonshiners

1. John McCain 2008