Okay. Full disclosure. This is going to get weird. I feel like the less preface, the better. I own several Gmail addresses. This is because every once in a while, I like emailing my friends in character. In one of several characters that I/the people I live with like to play every once in a while. Yeah.
Here we go.
6. Gorilla Ted
Gorilla is a gorilla. He just showed up one day. He's learning, gradually. He calls all girls Claire, except for Caitlin, whom he calls Clairtlin. (And Laksh, whom he calls Clairshmi.) He calls all boys Ted. He mostly speaks in phrases he has heard or "read". This is a birthday announcement he sent out:
"Hey Ted/Claire,
It's my Bird Day soon! I'm gonna be years old. (I know, right? I'm getting up there. Algo!) Your can come too! We'll have cereal, we'll have trucks. With special appliance by mom!
What: my Bird Day
Where: house
What to where: my Bird Day to house
What to bring: the score (also snacks, slacks)
When: 9 clocks to "Question, Mark?" on my Bird Day
You could get me a washer-dryer, I've been thinking about getting one of those. You can bring Ted or Claire too, as long as it is a good time for them. Come read to Dan's and jump around, we're going to play Britney real loud. (As long as mom says okay.)
All my bets,
Gorilla
PEAS: You should call my back if your can comes!
PPEEAASS: Or you can write me an emily."
5. SHAMPS
Shamps is not a well man. Shamps is also not truly a man. Shamps is a metal grandfather whose eternal quest is to inflict as much pain as possible. He has a metal mouth. This is a happy birthday he sent to Rob:
"DEAR RENTAL TRUCK I MEAN ROBERT TRUMP,
ALL SIGNS POINT TO THAT IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY WHICH COINCIDENTALLY HAPPENS TO FALL ON MY PAIN DAY. (EVERYDAY IS PAIN DAY.) OH WELL YOU ARE ONE YEAR CLOSER TO SWEET GRISLY DEATH, MOST LIKELY AT MY HANDS. OR MY METAL MOUTH. PLEASE TO FIND A BIRTHDAY/PAIN DAY PRESENT THAT I LEFT ON YOUR FRONT DOOR STEP--IF IT IS STILL ALIVE JUST KICK IT AND IT WON'T BE. ALSO I WOULD HAVE SENT YOU A SKIN GREETING CARD BUT I GOT HUNGRY. THIS REMINDS ME OF A SAYING. YOU'RE ONLY AS OLD AS YOU FEEL PAIN. IT LOSES SOMETHING IN TRANSLATION, I THINK.
AGH AGH AGH THE DEMON IN MY METAL BRAIN IS TELLING ME TO FEED AGH AGH AGH WHEN WILL IT NOT BE TUESDAY AGH AGH AGH TELL THE PRESIDENT OF THAILAND THAT HIS DEATH IS ON THE PHONE AGH AGH AGH YOU GET THE IDEA.
IN CLOSING HERE IS A RIDDLE. WHAT WALKS ON FOUR LEGS SOMETIMES AND ALSO TWO LEGS AND THREE LEGS AT OTHER TIMES. ANSWER NOT YOUR PET CAT AFTER I AM DONE EATING ITS LEGS.
0001101011010101SHAAAAAAAAAAAMPS010101000100100"
4. The Tiny People Under Your Feet
This is actually pretty funny. Slash horrible. Once, our friend was on acid and Rob and I decided to prank him by creating an email called thetinypeopleunderyourfeet@gmail.com and sending him something. Sorry Alex!
"Subject: STOP IT YOU ARE CRUSHING US
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
-The Tiny People Under Your Feet"
Then, later... this email to Tom:
"TOM! STOP CHECKING OVERHEARD IN NEW YORK AND STOP STEPPING ON US! WE ARE MAKING OUR OWN COMPETING SITE CALLED "OVERHEAD IN NEW YORK" AND IT IS JUST A PICTURE OF YOU!
TRAMPLED UNDERFOOT,
The Tiny People Under Your Feet
PS: TRAMPLED UNDERFOOT IS A SONG BY LED ZEPPELIN, GET IT?!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH, THE PAIN!"
3. Mister Moo
Mister Moo is the husband of Mrs. Moo, someone Caitlin invented. Mister is hypercritical and is always fighting with his wife. He loves America, and every time he and his wife disagree, they have a new child to end the argument. This is a birthday email to Tom:
"Hello Thomas the Red,
Even though you are a dirty not-good red-man, I want to wish you a birthday day, today. Thanks for being everything I strive to vanquish; it's people like you that make this country. Great. Why don't you come over sometimes and have a barbeque for democracy? Don't touch the missus, though. That's what I do. Did you know that? I fill her up with America's baby-children, so in case you reds ever try to take away our liberty and the national game, we'll beat you so hard, you'll be beaten. In conclusion, I think I make a great hall monitor because no one has ever tripped over the invisible hand of the stars and stripes forever.
Thanks for voting for me in the primary,
Mr. Moo
PS: I am serious about your birthday and it being a happy one."
2. Gerald B. Gerald
This is just absurd. Gerald B. Gerald is a low-level office holder who speaks similarly to Jesse Jackson and is constantly in disbelief. I think Rob invented this one. This is another birthday email to Tom.
"Dear, mister, tomrodkeen.
It appear, that, today id the day, on which, in fact, you were, once born. What a joyous, thing, to have happen. I only witch, i could have been, at the side, of your poor moth, her. Her eyes, streak, wit tears. Her hands, shaken, wit joy. Her belly, all empty, of babe boy. You. You were, that babe boy. As I say, what a joyous. Thing, is life. I could not, believe, that it could happen, so fat. The children, they grow, up so fat.
I also, could not believe, that you dint come, to my, funraise, her. Why, you were not, there? Don't, you believe, we can, do this, togehter? Togehter, we can make lives, a differents. Thas, my sloganto. Mottogan. I could not remember.
Oh no, the phone. It is rignging. Call back, when you are, a willing, to get serious. Like, I said. ENjoy, the day of, your birth. Peace, out, and may all, beings be, free.
-Gerald B. Gerald, low-level office holder"
1. Ron Shortsweather
This one is too good, because I did NOT create this one. I just started getting emails from him one day, and he won't go away. As far as I can tell, Ron Shortsweather is a businessman who wants to sell you exciting opportunities. He's married to Phyllis. When she gets drunk, she makes fun of him for never finishing college (or possibly attending DeVry). It's a tawdry relationship. Anyway, this is the first one I got from him.
"Dear Preferred Customer,
Have you ever wanted to be better at what you do or who you are? Have you ever said to yourself, "What is it that Johnny Hotshot has that I don't got?" Have you ever felt passed up by the times and left in the blinding dust cloud of your own pathetic mediocrity!?
Shut up!
I'm Ron Shortsweather and I've got just the product for you. I want to offer you amazing opportunity in the world of PERSONAL FINANCE/lunchtime. The best thing is you can do it without leaving your town!!!!!! First, a test. Of your intellect!!!?!!!! Where do you see your self in 10 years?
Here?: {{brokenlink: prettybeach.jpg}}
OR HERE?!: {{brokenlink: beachonfire.jpg}}
It's a question only an idiot would answer!!!! YOU'RE NOT AN IDIOT ARE YOU? GOOD! LET'S CONTINUE!!!!!
By apply my techniques and purchasing our collectible flatware, you'll be able to:
1)OWN OUR COLLECTIBLE FLATWARE
2) MAXIMIZE FOLDING POTENTIAL
#) GAIN/LOSE WEIGHTS
4) CONTROL MORE SPHERES!!!!!!
5) PUT A DOWN PAYMENT ON YOUR FUTURE
6)BREAK INTO THE MINOR LEAGUES WITH A SHOT AT GETTING CALLED UP TO THE SHOW
8)EAT FOR FREE AT ALL PARTICIPATING HARDEES
9) SAY SO LONG TO YOUR WIFE(S) AND KID(S) AND HELLO TO PROSPERITY(S)!!!!!!!!
When an offer like this comes along, you don't just stare there! FACT!
But you're probably asking yourself, RON! What is "PERSONAL EXPECTATION ACHIEVEMENT"? Well. That's funny because I didn't even say that magical phrase to you yet!
THAT MEANS IT'S ALREADY WORKING!!!!
Here's our secret (0.9% APR, 3-year lease, no money down, member FDIC):
I'll make use of an analogy:
Professionalism
Excellence
RADICAL!!!
Suits
OMITTED
No how
Apptitude/Atttitude
LOVE (all you need?)
Erasmus,
Xerxes,
Pope Antioch...
Each of them
Could read, but could
They
Also
Teach?
Impossible to say,
Obviously...
NOT!!!!
Aardvark
Caardvark
Haarvard
Iardvark
Eardvark
Vark
Earmark
Marduk
Early Aardvark
Nardvark (nards!?)
Turdvark
AND THAT'S JUST A TASTE, SUCKA!!!!!!
SO act now, and we'll throw in a free NOVELTY ITEM!!! These colors don't run, but these great prices will!!!!!,
Ronald J. Shortsweather,
President and CEO of EXCITING-OPPORTUNITY-DOT-COM"
