The 14 Points, As Composed By President Norwood Wilson

The other day, it was revealed that someone had searched the phrase "why did president norwood wilson make fourteen points" to find this blog. I made a bold promise that I would make good on this inadvertent bit of found art and I would soon post a list of President Norwood Wilson's 14 Points. It was exhausting and harrowing, but I managed to do it.

1. You shall have no other Presidents Norwood Wilson before me.

2. If I ever feel like coming over to your house, I can do it. Totally unannounced. You have to have good snacks, too, or else I'll get so mad and I will yell and scream and shit myself.

3. When I come over unannounced, you must open up the door and say, "Hi, the President!" To this, I will respond, "Hi, the Common Man!" (If you are a woman, you have to take this like a man.) We will then either kiss on the mouth or exchange fish, depending on which side of the street you live on. This is our custom. These are the things we do. Religion dictates that we must.

4. Simon says, "Go fuck yourself." Simon Says is the worst game and anyone caught playing it is going to be sorry.

5. On the subject of games, Capture-the-Flag is the best of them all. It is the national game and anyone caught not playing it is going to be even sorrier.

6. Have you heard of pizza? It is the best.

7. Any man out in public without a hat is a certifiable bastard, and you can tell him so. If he gives you back-sass, show him your fist and beat him with it.

8. Never tell anyone anything. You end up missing everybody.

9. Breakfast is for thieves, foreigners, and homosexuals. This isn't a judgment call, I'm not saying I don't like those people. I'm just saying they're the only ones allowed to eat breakfast.

10. But actually, I don't like those people.

11. I don't like most people, frankly.

12. I read a study that said we should all be drinking so much more water!!!

13. Somebody ought to do something about this whole "poverty" thing.

14. A general association of nations must be formed under specific covenants for the purpose of affording mutual guarantees of political independence and territorial integrity to great and small states alike.

Top 21 Phrases To Avoid on a 1st Date

Ugh, kiddos. It has been a while. I'll be better about posting more soon, I promise. I am in the maelstrom of grad school things. That is not even an excuse. I just wanted to say maelstrom. Sometimes we say things we don't mean to. 

FOR INSTANCE...

21. "colorless, viscous substance"

20. "my little amateur taxidermy hobby"

19. "exciting opportunities in human trafficking"

18. "the periodic need to shave my knee beards"

17. "my family friend Joseph Goebbels"

16. "my old school chum Rod Blagojevich"

15. "that adorable son-of-a-gun Pol Pot"

14. "debilitating scratch-off addiction"

13. "those who know about the programs are the ones who get the money!!!!!"

12. "the inherent joy of arson"

11. "many deer died that day... for my freedom!"

10. "for a Thai prison, the mood was rather effervescent"

9. "as black sites go, it was totally cheery"

8. "for a convicted felon, I'm a great cook"

7. "professional cat tossing"

6. "wanted by several bounty hunters"

5. "delightfully agoraphobic"

4. "more than four problems"

3. "during my brief stint as a fluffer"

2. "during my lengthy career as a fluffer"

1. "I am still currently employed as a fluffer"

Top 27 Fictional Presidential Pets

Sad news. India "Willie" Bush, the former White House cat died today. This led me on a wild Wikipedia romp through past presidential pets, eventually ending with this page. I would have to say that this is one of the greatest wikipages I have ever read. Here's just a sampling. Harry Truman's boa Monster Jungle X-Ray!!! Teddy Roosevelt's one legged rooster!!! Chester Arthur never had any pets!!! Andrew Johnson used to feed mice he found in his bedroom!!! 

AND--according to to the edits history of that page, Henry Kissinger has been removed from Nixon's list of pets multiple times.

AH. This is why life is pretty okay. Also, I made up some more pets.

27. Future Bacon – pig, belonged to Woodrow Wilson

26. Sir Burton Burrs – python, belonged to Franklin Pierce

25. Large Marge – fat tiger, belonged to Richard M. Nixon

24. Calvin Rodney Kenneth – secretariat bird, belonged to John Quincy Adams

23. Derek – dinosaur, belonged to Jimmy Carter

22. Little Honky Bastard – goat, belonged to Harry S. Truman

21. Eightarms Eileen – octopus, belonged to James Buchanan

20. Cornfed Lass – minke whale, belonged to Rutherford B. Hayes

19. Ol’ Thumby – polydactyl cat, belonged to Andrew Jackson

18. Sherbert, Sherman, Sherwood, and Fuckface – gerbils, belonged to John F. Kennedy

17. Johnny Cotton – vampire bat, belonged to George H.W. Bush

16. Miss Jenny Taxpayer and Mister Johnny Lawmaker – parakeets, belonged to Millard Fillmore

15. Lady Cab Driver – Pekinese cat, belonged to Ronald Reagan

14. Pierce Brosnan – actor, belonged to William Jefferson Clinton

13. Buck Chin – musk ox, belonged to John Adams

12. Andrew Benjamin – yeti, belonged to Thomas Jefferson

11. Rollo the Red – fox, belonged to Warren G. Harding

10. Mr. Brutus – beetle, belonged to Franklin Delano Roosevelt

9. Dennis Leatherbuttons Shimmytacker-Shammyticker McTeague, Esq. – pygmy, belonged to James Garfield

8. Midrial Filth – daemon, belonged to Calvin Coolidge

7. Gaeten & Gwyneth – ferrets, belonged to James Monroe

6. Captain Jeffy – ground sloth, belonged to Grover Cleveland

5. Princess Poo-Poo Mystique – badger, belonged to Theodore Roosevelt

4. J.J. Jypsy – gypsy, belonged to James Madison

3. Dwight Dog Eisenhower – Yorkshire terrier, belonged to Dwight Eisenhower

2. Dwight Cat Eisenhower – Siamese cat, belonged to Dwight Eisenhower

1. Dwight Bird Eisenhower - alligator, belonged to Dwight Eisenhower

Top 22 Slogans for 2009

Happy 2009, PaRMLoT fans. We are in the middle of a big bicycle race, which is to say that we will post our Best Albums of 2008 as soon as Robert J. Trump (the J is for Jerk) sends me his commentary. JK JK ROB IS GREAT LOL LOLZ CATZ WHAT EVEN IS THAT.

Anyway, this being the first post of 2009 and all, I figured it would be cool to post some fun slogans for the new year. Originally, they were going to rhyme, but I am an artist and artists don't live within walls. (It is true--look up any artist in the phonebook, their address will be either "The Woods" or "Outside, wandering".)

That being said, friend-of-the-blog (can we just abbreev that FOB from now on?) Pitr Strait came up with this one: "The World is Mine in 2009". Can't argue with something that awesome.

22. Guilty by association in 2009

21. The future is terrifyingly bright in 2009

20. Bend but also break in 2009

19. Agh agh agh get it off my face in 2009

18. Morrissey was right in 2009

17. Maybe I misjudged the French in 2009

16. Honestly no more animal-named bands in 2009

15. They should totally make a sequel to Point Break in 2009

14. It’s Nerf or nothin’ in 2009

13. Teach your computers how to love in 2009

12. Frankly, who hasn’t been there in 2009

11. Don’t bet on Brokaw in 2009

10. Don’t wake daddy in 2009

9. I certainly hope you’re going to pay for that in 2009

8. I’ll take "Famous Faces" for a thousand, Alex in 2009

7. Someone tell Rahm Emmanuel I was kidding in 2009

6. Guilt is a useless emotion in 2009

5. The only thing to fear is the thing-in-itself in 2009

4. Let’s be careful out there in 2009

3. Twenty percent chance of rain in 2009

2. Do it for the story in 2009

1. Playing for 2010 in 2009

Top 10 Words Made Very Different By the Addition or Subtraction of One Letter

The other night, I had the most ridiculous dream. In the dream, if you misheard things, they automatically came true. THE WEIRDEST, RIGHT? Well, it inspired this list.

(And please, if you think of more, submit them in the comments! You're our very favorite people in the world, don't you know that?!?!?!)

10. fury + 'r' = furry
As in, "Oh man, aw jeez, I am so full of furry right now!" Okay. Think about it. Did this person eat a Furry? Is this person currently (as in, right this second) sleeping with a Furry? IS THIS PERSON DOING BOTH OF THOSE THING OH GROSS GROSS GROSS!

9. shark + 's' = sharks
I am not suggesting that a singular shark would not be terrifying. However, the baldfaced truth is that multiple, perhaps even many sharks would be much, much more terrifying.

8. hosts + 'g' = ghosts
Like, what about this one: "Thanks for having us over for dinner, you and your wife are such lovely GHOSTS?!!?!?" Oh crap! In this story, my wife and I are dead and we are still having people over for dinner! And not in that, "Ooooh creepy we're having you for dinner but like, to eat you!" kind of way. (Although, to be fair, in this story, I also have a wife. Cool!) I thought that when you're dead, you don't know about it, and you make friends with kids and solve mysteries and stuff! (I actually don't remember what happens in The Sixth Sense anymore, I just know the semi-basics.)

7. chaste - 't' = chase
There is probably some sort of saying about this, like... "Seven drinks in the face will turn chaste into chase!" I can do better than that. "If you have a carbomb race, you'll see chaste become chase!" Nope. "If you drink past your pace, you'll go from chaste..." Nevermind.

6. spin + 'a' = Spain
Three Dog Night wrote a song once called Never Been to Spain. In that song, the narrator goes on and on about how he's never been to Spain. There is a reason that he's never been to Spain--and even though we don't know this reason, I am not about to find out!

5. treason - 't' = reason
What if reason was an offense punishable by death!?! (This is where you get to say, "I bet it is, in KANSAS!!!" Then, we e-five. That's like when you high-five over the internet.)

4. monkey - 'k' = money
As in, "Oh, these days, everyone's trying to save monkey." What would that even mean!!!

3. breast - 'r' = beast
Two words: BEAST CANCER. It is when the cancer you have is a beast! Also, how about this one, it is from a novel: "She took off her silken top, revealing her two huge BEASTS!" NO! THAT GIRL HAS BEASTS UNDER HER SILKEN TOP! PS... I made that whole novel thing up, that was from one of Rob's erotic short stories. Rob, I have been secretly reading your erotic short stories. My favorite one is "The Girl Who Loved Sex (With Me)".

2. friend - 'r' = fiend
Hey, do you want to be my best FIEND! If you do, you are weird and creepy! Or or or, maybe you're trying to be my BEAST FIEND! That's even worse! STOP CALLING!

1. cremationist - 'm' = creationist
Like the shark vs. sharks debate, I will concede that both of these things are scary. But which of these sentences strikes more fear into your heart: "I just found out that my sister is dating a cremationist"... OR, "I JUST FOUND OUT THAT MY SISTER IS DATING A CREATIONIST." (Okay, me shouting didn't help.)

Top 14 Taints

A slang term for the human, often male perineum, the "taint" is so-called because it...

14. The original taint - the perineum

Tain't the balls and tain't the ass!

Similarly, for other useless in-the-middle crap...

13. The facial taint - the philtrum

Tain't the nose and tain't the lips!

 

12. The nasal taint - the nasal septum

Tain't the left nostril and tain't the right!

11. The manual taint - the ring finger

Tain't the bird and tain't the pinky!  (Yeah that's right I'm flippin' off marriage...with a real finger)

10. The Columbia taint - the LLC gate

Tain't Hartley and tain't Wallach!  (Note: I am in no way taking credit for inventing this)

9. The weather's taint - sleet

Tain't rain and tain't snow!

8. The taint of milks - 1%

Tain't two and tain't skim!

7. The Harry Potter taint - Chamber of Secrets

Tain't Sorcerer's Stone and tain't Prisoner of Azkaban!  (Which were both way better, right guys?  Right?  ...Right?)

6. The Middle East taint - the Gaza strip

Tain't Israel and tain't Palestine!

5. The NBA's taint - the Golden State Warriors

Tain't the Kings and tain't the Lakers! (Note: the Clippers are actually even lower than a taint)

4. The U.S. presidential taint - right now

Tain't really a Bush presidency and tain't an Obama one!

3. The sports taint - rugby

Tain't football and tain't gang violence!  (Almost, but not quite.)

2. The telecommunications taint - Twitter

Tain't texting and tain't blogging!

1. The holiday taint - December 26th to 30th

Tain't Christmas and tain't New Years!

Top 27 Fake Gang Names

Um, so I was going to do, like, a good list... but instead I read a lot about gang warfare on Wikipedia. Is there a truer sign of privilege? Anyway, I was doing that because I watched Gangs of New York the other day, a movie I defend beyond its own grave. Seriously. I would put myself through a What Dreams May Come-type scenario for that movie. Hell and back, babe. That scene with Day-Lewis draped in the American flag, waking Leo up after a crazy night of Cameron Diaz (PS: Who let YOU in this movie, period-piece-version-of-Andie-MacDowell?)... oh man. Chilling. Beautiful. "I never had a son," he says! That's how he intimates, "I feel like a father to you," he implies the symbolic relationship by pointing out the absence of the real thing! 

Aaaaaaaah. Anyway, here are some fake gang names I made up. USE THEM! DON'T GET ARRESTED THOUGH! By the way, Dead Rabbits? Really? That's what you called yourselves, guys?

27. The Muckdogs

26. The Caps and Gowns

25. The Flying Squirrels

24. The Nasties

23. The Once and Future Kings

22. The Band-aid Boys

21. The Ragin’ Aged

20. The Blastocysts

19. The Blue Bastards

18. The Green Bastards

17. The Periwinkle Bastards

16. The Third-stringers

15. The DVR Heroes

14. The Fast Babies

13. The Etruscans

12. The Black Amish

11. The Sharkjets

10. The Jetsharks

9. The Beestings

8. The Backwards Dicks

7. The Robo-Gators

6. The Greek Jesters

5. The Sixth Avenue Existentialists

4. The Dutch Ticklers

3. The Bruces

2. The Winsome Charlies

1. The Chicago Gaylords

The Top 9 Slang Terms I Tried To Make Popular, Peter Edition

As a response to Rob's recent list of slang he tried to get off the ground, here is my own chronicle of words and phrases I tried (and failed) to introduce into the popular lexicon.

By the way, I was going to do a Minnesota Twins related list, but seeing as tomorrow is the Biggest Game of All Time, AKA, the Twins v. the Bitch-Sox for the AL Central Crown, I figure I'll save it for tomorrow, win or (KNOCK ON A LOUISVILLE SLUGGER BASEBALL BAT) lose. WIN TWINS!

9. “Pancho”

There was time when I was, oh, let’s say, seven years old, when I used to call most people “Pancho”. I had a pretty good reason for this quirk. We had a foosball table and my dad nicknamed all the little foosball player-men Pancho, because they were a tan shade of plastic, with little black helmet hairpieces. Total Panchos. Anyway, I started doing that one day while my buddy Julian was over and he started doing it at school the next day, and pretty soon, everyone and everything was Pancho. It didn’t last past the fifth grade. I tried!

8. “Face”

Hah. Yikes. My bold, high-school attempt to replace buddy/guy/friend/you with “face”… it was synecdoche pushed to its lamest extreme. “Hey face!” I’d say to my friends, instead of, you know, “Hey, Matt!” or “Hey, Nik!” Yeah, it was an awful idea. Only slightly worse than Pancho.

7. “Stay black.”

Today in the shower, I was thinking about things I say, and that turned into things I want to start staying, and I arrived at “Stay black.” I should definitely start saying this! Like, always! End of a meeting, looks like we’re moving forward with purpose and direction? Stay black! You totally just made out with your crush of five years? Stay black! Good episode of Gossip Girl? Dude… stop watching Gossip Girl.

6. “Balla, narc, or poseur”

Once upon a time, Eva and I invented a sweet game called “Balla, narc, or poser”. The object of the game is to decide whether the historical figure (usually a president) is a balla, a narc, or a poser. I’ll just copy/past the gchat—you’ll get the gist.

me: john Quincy adams… total poser. TOTAL poser.

Eva: he did make it into Profiles in Courage, though

me: i think all american history can be broken down into ballers and posers.

More like Profiles in BOREage.

Eva: I agree

on both counts

me: henry clay = baller.

samuel tilden = poser

Eva: Garfield, baller or poser?

poser, I think

me: in his first term, he was a total baller, but as he got on in years, he faded into poserdom.

oh yeah, garfield was a huge poser.

Eva: this is true

me: a poseur even.

Eva: Baller = Taft

he was so fat!

slash phat!

me: YES!

it's true!

oh, there are also a few narcs.

Wilson.

Eva: obviously!

Wilson was such a narc.

5. “Make arrest.”

I was obviously obsessed with The Departed during my senior year of college, so for a while, a thing that I decided was really fun to do was to text Rob and Tom the phrase “make arrest” at completely random moments. (Not random in that annoying, girlish sense, ie: “You guys, Trent was so random and awkward last night. He kept like, saying these things from these random movies and it was totes awkward, but like, cute-awkward… or, well, maybe awkward-cute, but, whatever, anyway, SO random!" Not at all random like that... my use of "make arrest" was lacking in purpose, order, or cause.) Anyway, I kept doing this for awhile, and then I started introducing it into conversation, but the problem was, it didn’t really mean anything. It was just a fun thing to say… which was actually really fun? Oh, well. It died.

4. “What powers does he have?”/”What cool features does he come with?”

This is one that I really should have put more of an effort into because it could have really taken off. For a while last year, whenever one of my friends would talk about someone new, I would always say, “What powers does he/she have?” to mean, “What is he/she like?” The thing that I really liked about it was that it cast social skills and personality traits as magical attributes. Then, I thought about it for a while, and it sounded like I was treating human people like action figures… things that could have battle damage or shoot plastic missiles. (Although, it’s true, most of my closest friends are battle damaged. Or just damaged.)

3. “Mom”

Earlier this year, I started calling everyone “Mom”. It is safe to say that I missed my mom. I stopped discriminating between sexes—referring to Tom as Mom after a while (I played the rhyme up quite a bit), and then just random folk I met on the street. Everyone became Mom. Then, it lost its luster, so I stopped doing it. (But now all of Caitlin’s girlfriends call each other Mommy! COINCIDENCE!?)

2. “No one knows!”

This is slightly akin to Rob’s “that’s made up”… but I am still trying to make it work, every chance I get. Here’s the deal. I frequently say things that demand explanation or qualification. Example… Some Person: Peter, why are you so upset about the White Sox losing to the Tigers? Peter: No one knows! What I love about this is that the reason in the example is clear… I’m upset because the White Sox blow and one more loss would mean the Twins would be in the playoffs. But it’s more important than that! “No one knows” is an existential expression of the true uncertainty of this (American?) life. No one actually knows, because absolute truths don’t exist. More importantly, though… it is fun to say! No one knows!

1. “Ah, life”

Folks! This was a longtime favorite. This was such a catchphrase that I tried to put it on a shirt. It was a mantra, a heartfelt admission of the ridiculous ebb and flow of the human condition. When something wonderful happened, “Ah, life,” I’d say. When something disappointed me, “Ah, life,” I’d say. When the Twins and the White Sox had to play a single, win-and-in playoff, scheduled for tomorrow at 7:30, AH FUCKING LIFE, SAYS I!!!

Top 29 Fictional Archetypes/Stock Characters

The wikipedia entry "List of Heroic Stock Characters" is a fun read, but on a more careful glance, you realize that it is gravely incomplete. Thank goodness that I compiled this list of fictional archetypes that it was missing!

29. The incredulous Asian

28. The cook who is also a spy

27. The gentle bum

26. The way-too-worried-about-the-Large-Hadron-Collider guy

25. The self-loathing acrobat

24. The reluctant weatherman

23. The nerdy jock

22. The jockish nerd

21. Lily, Rosemary, and the Jack of Hearts

20. The seriously scary baby

19. The lover of bacon

18. The guitarist with charisma

17. The paraplegic aristocrat

16. The mother or father

15. The alcoholic child

14. The big tall building

13. The stripper with a past--a Civil War past!

12. The white man with a gun or knife

11. The sexy amputee

10. The collicky politician

9. The Finn

8. The black Finn

7. The battle-scarred claims adjuster

6. The anti-matter-hero

5. The chick who knows what's up

4. The dude who knows what's what

3. The novelty-shop proprietor (also known as "The curio merchant")

2. The man who is especially adept at killing flies

1. Martin Short