The 14 Points, As Composed By President Norwood Wilson

The other day, it was revealed that someone had searched the phrase "why did president norwood wilson make fourteen points" to find this blog. I made a bold promise that I would make good on this inadvertent bit of found art and I would soon post a list of President Norwood Wilson's 14 Points. It was exhausting and harrowing, but I managed to do it.

1. You shall have no other Presidents Norwood Wilson before me.

2. If I ever feel like coming over to your house, I can do it. Totally unannounced. You have to have good snacks, too, or else I'll get so mad and I will yell and scream and shit myself.

3. When I come over unannounced, you must open up the door and say, "Hi, the President!" To this, I will respond, "Hi, the Common Man!" (If you are a woman, you have to take this like a man.) We will then either kiss on the mouth or exchange fish, depending on which side of the street you live on. This is our custom. These are the things we do. Religion dictates that we must.

4. Simon says, "Go fuck yourself." Simon Says is the worst game and anyone caught playing it is going to be sorry.

5. On the subject of games, Capture-the-Flag is the best of them all. It is the national game and anyone caught not playing it is going to be even sorrier.

6. Have you heard of pizza? It is the best.

7. Any man out in public without a hat is a certifiable bastard, and you can tell him so. If he gives you back-sass, show him your fist and beat him with it.

8. Never tell anyone anything. You end up missing everybody.

9. Breakfast is for thieves, foreigners, and homosexuals. This isn't a judgment call, I'm not saying I don't like those people. I'm just saying they're the only ones allowed to eat breakfast.

10. But actually, I don't like those people.

11. I don't like most people, frankly.

12. I read a study that said we should all be drinking so much more water!!!

13. Somebody ought to do something about this whole "poverty" thing.

14. A general association of nations must be formed under specific covenants for the purpose of affording mutual guarantees of political independence and territorial integrity to great and small states alike.