12 Steps in a 12-Step Program I Just Invented to Cure Your Addiction to 12-Step Programs

1. Admit that you have a problem

It probably has to do with your obsession with the number twelve.  Seriously--that much of anything packed into one syllable?  I understand the allure.

2. Come to believe in a greater power.

Specifically, in the number 13.

3. Turn yourself over to that power

This may be difficult for those with triskaidekaphobia.  Do not be afraid of 13.  Trust in 13.

4. Take a moral inventory of yourself

Also a physical inventory.  What's your pockets?  Twelve pieces of paper, each with a different twelve-step program written on them?  HAND THEM OVER.

5. Admit to yourself, others, and the holy thirteen the nature of your wrongs

Tell them all to me.  In lurid detail.  I may masturbate.

6. Be ready for thirteen to remove your defects of character

Also, be ready for me to masturbate.  I know I said that in the last one, but seriously, you better be prepared.

7. Ask 13 to remove your shortcomings

It probably won't because it's a number.

8. Make a list of persons you have harmed

That list will mostly be just yourself, as an addiction to 12-step programs rarely have serious consequences for other people.  Though possibly you have also wronged someone named Fran.  Don't ask me how I knew, I just did.

9. Make direct amends to persons you have harmed

Fran loves you.  Go to her.  Never leave her again.

10. Continue to take personal inventory and admit when you're wrong

This one seriously feels like padding.  Maybe the solution was to try an 11-step program and skip this step?  TOO LATE YOU ARE A PART OF MY PROGRAM NOW!

11. Seek to increase your contact with 13

It wouldn't hurt to increase your contact with prime numbers in general, to be honest.  Not for this, necessarily, but it'll be useful in the long run, for the battle with the robots.  Did you know that the only simple operation that robots cannot perform is to find primes?  Just kidding, I made that up completely.  They can totally find primes.  Way better than us.  If the fate of the world comes down to a prime-finding contest, we're fucked.

12. Carry the message to other addicts

Carry it in a bottle, preferrably, and throw it out to sea like you're in a B.C. cartoon.  Maybe write a chess move on it just in case.

13. INVENT A MOTHERFUCKING EXTRA STEP!!!!!!!!