11:53pm - Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire. The absolutely right choice. Great! Great Oscars. Couldn't be happier. (Spoiler alert: Meh, I probably could...)
11:47pm - HOLY SHIT! Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke are brothers!?
11:42pm - And the gays are cheering in Hell's Kitchen! I'm totally onboard with this selection. Rourke was phenomenal, but Sean Penn was Harvey Milk. Actor: Sean Penn, Milk.
11:37pm - Sweet A-Team music... there goes my next joke. Also, this blog post may be longer than the actual telecast. My dad is probably in need of freak-out control for the love Adrien Brody is throwing at Richard Jenkins.
11:35pm - We's officially over time. Young David Niven looked kinda like Current Hugh Jackman.
11:32pm - The Eiffel Tower is sending so much love to Kate Winslet. "Why hasn't Winslet won one", no more. Somewhere, Ricky Gervais is smiling. Who are we kidding, he's always smiling. Fucker. (Kidding.) Actress: Kate Winslet, The Reader.
11:30pm - Presenting Meryl Streep... Medusa.
11:28pm - Yo, I'm sooo tired. (The Reader = funniest movie evvvver.) Marion Cotillard is an alien...
11:20pm - Best Director: Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire. Danny is right, the show has been bloody good to look at. He has the happiest face and the spikiest hair. Also, I think he thanked me.
11:18pm - Reese Witherspoon apparently assumes that "the people at home" don't know what a director is. I gotta go with Danny Boyle on this one, but Gus Van Sant is equally deserving. (It's a shame Aronofsky wasn't nominated.)
11:17pm - Death is sad, sadder still with Queen Latifah singing behind it.
11:08pm - Another upset... Caitlin is telling me that I won, because The Departed just won best Foreign Language film. She is mistaken/drunk. Foreign Language Film: Departures.
11:04pm - Wow. I totally thought Peter Gabriel was all over that... well. So much for that indie-letdown. Original Song: "Jai Ho", A.R. Rahman.
11:02pm: This is all really wonderful, but I would have killed to have seen how they worked Bruce Springsteen into this.
11:01pm: Hi, I'm John Legend, I'll be your Peter Gabriel tonight.
10:57pm - SWIFFER CONTINUES!!! Original Score: A.R. Rahman... and then he gets to do his best MIA impression. PS, MIA congrats on your baby!
10:55pm - Caitlin just did a beautiful interpretive dance during the original score selections. Tom burned himself trying to pop a kernel with a lighter.
10:46pm - Wow, that was a pretty tight speech.
10:45pm - Are they playing "Wonderwall" over this Jerry Lewis montage?
10:41pm - Oh great. Now we get to listen to Jerry Lewis talk for a while.
10:39pm - Caitlin wants you to follow this chain of thoughts... Slumdog Sweep -> Slumdog Swiffer -> Swiffers in general -> "Baby, come back!" I get it... I think.
10:34pm - Editing: Slumdog SWEEEEEP.
10:31pm - Sound Mixing: Slumdog Yay!
10:29 - Sound Editing: The Dark Knight. Eh... fair. I woulda picked Slumdog. Whatevs.
10:28pm - Visual Effects: Benny Buttons. Honestly, no one would have seen it if that's what it was called.
10:25pm - Ah, Mr. Will Smith. Do action movies really need more respect? I actually think Iron Man and Dark Knight are pretty well-respected, blood. Just 'cause they didn't get Oscars... oh, wait. That was kinda bullshit.
10:17pm - Well, Jackman promised us more show and less biz. I'd say they're pretty much delivering. Documentary Short: Smile Pinki.
10:16pm - Documentary Feature: Man on Wire. SWEET MAGIC TRICK, DUDE WHO WALKS ON HIGH-WIRES!
10:15pm - HERZOOOOOOOOG!
10:08pm - To Heath. Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight.
10:06pm - WHOOOOOA. Michael Shannon looks crazily like Walken.
10:04pm - Alan Arkin basically just said, "I'm Alan Arkin and I don't need to know people's names." Seymour Philip Hoffman... heheh. Two first names, y'all.
9:57pm - The musical, apparently, is back.
9:52pm - Call answered. America is getting gayer by the second. BEYONCE ALERT. (Caitlin hit her head on the wall when Ms. Knowles showed up.) Tom and Caitlin are now hyperventilating... this is a good time for me to note that the Wild beat the Blackhawks 2-1 tonight.
9:50pm - There has been a call for more dance numbers.
9:46pm - Excellent Comedy montage. And Janusz Kaminski is a comedy-genius. ("Suck on that, Anthony Dod Mantle!") James Franco thinks Toyland's German name is hilarious, apparently. Live Short: Toyland. I am always partial to films from and about Germany.
9:39pm - Jessica Biel (who is not Jessica Alba, as originally posted) luvs Tom Edison 4ever. (Two days later edit! Thanks Charlotte, you're absolutely right. And Jessica Alba is way cooler than JBiel.)
9:35pm - Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire. Brief Slumdog v. Dark Knight squabble in the apartment. I am soundly backing Slumdog on this. There were some crazy shots in Dark Knight, but Anthony Dod Mantle is loooooong deserving. Seriously, Millions, 28 Days Later, Last King of Scotland... that's a solid resume.
9:32pm - We were due for a Joaquin Phoenix joke. Way to go, Ben Stiller. Also, way to go, whatever writer came up with "Hasidic meth lab". Also, way to go, Greta Gerwig.
9:28pm - Nice Romance montage. This whole Oscars-video-yearbook thing is a nice way to get movies like Forgetting Sarah Marshall a tiny slice of Oscar pie. (Um, and the same goes for Marley and Me, I guess.)
9:23pm - Seriously great year for Makeup. Not sure why The Reader wasn't nominated. Makeup: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. SOLID. New Orleans says your welcome. (I don't actually speak for New Orleans.) Tom needs freakout control because that angular pale dude from Twilight is talking.
9:19pm - Wow, this section is draaaaagging. Costume Design: The Duchess. Laksh says this film was great, and I believe her implicitly. Costume Design always goes to the film with the most dresses.
9:16pm - Art Direction: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I'm actually very down with this. I enjoyed the second two hours of this movie. (I was eating a sandwich at Lenny's during the first hour.) Tom thinks Marley and Me was snubbed.
9:10pm - Animated Short: The one about an old man with cubes. Caitlin and I have noted that there is always an animated short about an old man collecting small things. PS, the dude who accepted ACTUALLY made a "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto" joke.
9:06pm - Animated Feature: Wall-E. Yeah! (To be fair, the fact that Jack Black was presenting was a pretty good sign that Kung Fu Panda wasn't going to win.)
9:03pm - Janniston and Jables are dronk. Caitlin claims that the cockroach at the end of the Animated Feature montage was a reference to the insignificance of all of this.
9:01pm - FIRST SLUMDOG WIN OF THE NIGHT!!! Adapted Screenplay: Simon Beaufoy, Slumdog Millionaire. I wanna read the book. Mr. Beaufoy is very grateful for the opportunity to have learned about India.
8:58pm - Great speech from Dustin Lance Black. Here's hoping.
8:56pm - In the words of Tom, SCORE ONE FOR THE GAYS! Original Screenplay: Dustin Lance Black, Milk. Totally deserving.
8:53pm - Tina Fey/Steve Martin bit. Sean Penn loved that joke about aliens and made up religions. SUCK IT, SCIENTOLOGY.
8:47pm - Supporting Actress: Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona... wait, wait, wait; Woody Allen writes great characters for women? If your idea of a woman is a thing with breasts that talks exactly like Woody Allen. Eh. Boring choice.
8:46pm - Sweet Sister Act ref, Whoopi. Also, this format is going to make the night last forever.
8:45pm - BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS ROBO-TEAM ACTIVATE!!!
8:42pm - Shitty curtain work, nerdos.
8:39pm - Oh, hey, James Franco... looks like you're not studying in Butler Library tonight.
8:38pm - I will see Wolverine solely based on that opening.
8:35pm - Billy Crystal, eat your heart out. This opening is fantastic. (Anne Hathaway has a voice.) Billy Crystal, actually, though... please don't eat your own heart.
8:33pm - Milk-by-way-of-The-Music-Man... nice.
8:32pm - Hugh Jackman, you know that Australia wasn't good, right? Sweet DIY set, btw.
8:31pm - Apartment is full of gays. Hugh Jackman is on stage. Apartment is now full of wah's and oh's.
8:24pm - Now Tim Gunn is making a move on Marisa Tomei's pleating. Also, that Jack Black by-the-bar interview was a train crashing into a plane crashing into the sun. Also, Seth Rogen believes that Jerry Lewis is some sort of eternal.
8:22pm - Robin Roberts, maybe don't be a dick to Richard Jenkins? "People will be more familiar with your work now?" Eh... mean.
8:21pm - Meryl Streep alert. Also, Tim Gunn has a friggin' huge crush on Penelope Cruz.
8:20pm - The PriceWaterhouseCooper accountant dudes are tole dating.
8:18pm - Caitlin thinks that the cartoon bee from the Nasonex commercials is probably voiced by a "nice guy", who'd be "interested to talk to you".
8:17pm - Guest of the Eiffel Tower Matt (also known as Lord Matthew) gets in the first contender for Comment of the Night: "Miley Cyrus looks like a cartoon beaver."
8:14pm - Viola Davis is absolutely adamant that her stress tabs are homeopathic. The girl does NOT pop pills. Only weird, herbal shit.
8:12pm - Weird Zac-Efron-to-Dev-Patel backhanded compliment. Vanessa Hutchens is not sure if Meryl Streep is there? Wow. WOW.
8:11pm - Mickey Rourke's love for his dog Loki is actually heart-breaking. Apparently only for me though, as Tom and Caitlin shit all over it. Wipe your asses, guys. I have to live here.
8:10pm - WHY ARE NONE OF THE SLUMDOG KIDS NOMINATED!!! Also, Dev Patel and Freida Pinto win cutest couple by default.
8:09pm - Obligatory Cher/Bjork fuck-you! "Obligatory" Valentino nice-job? Hahah, none of these people have first names.
8:04pm - Taraji P. Henson, you's adorable. I gotta slow this down, PS. There's like, a billion hours left.
8:03pm - It is apparently not funny that Amy Adams is competing against topless stripper Marissa Tomei. PS: Matthew Broderick forgot how to talk.
8:02pm - Josh Brolin is in a daze. Diane Lane is in a fox suit... that is to say, she is a fox. (Her dress was nice, too. Tim Gunn is explaining why.)
8:00pm - This is ON. Tim Gunn and Robin Roberts are in full effect on the red carpet. Tom thinks Kate Winslet needs work on her eyes. The night is off to a snarky start! (Tom, you need some work on your HEART.)