Wednesday, February 4, 2009

133 Great Entries on "Freshman Guidebook: Mostly Girls"

Okay, so this takes a little explanation.  This is a piece of found art that apprently circulated around freshman girls at my high school a few years after I graduated.  I'll let it speak for itself, because it speaks untold volumes.  It would be impossible for anyone to intentionally create anything this brilliant/hilarious, so I have left it unaltered.  I want to post my favorite numbers, but I also want to encourage everyone to read every last word of this.  Also, if you really like it, you should join its Facebook group.

Freshman Guidebook:
mostly girls

1. The second you start feeling sorry for yourself, your almost guaranteeing no one else will.
2. Be careful with your jean skirts
3. Tube socks, A.K.A. slut socks
4. Yeah, comfy days are always a nice vaca, but watch it with your Soffee's and tee's.
5. Don't re-apply make up in places where boys can see you.
6. And lighten up on the eye liner a little bit, kiddies.
7. If you walk into school with a Jamba or caribou every morning, people will call you a tool 
8. Being cute will get you the furthest
9. Watch your cell phone bill.
10. Keep your fucking grades up.
12. Keep most things on the DL.
13. Make friends with other upper-classmen, just don't kiss too much ass.
14. A desperate attempt to recreate Laguna Beach isn't gonna make you look like a celebrity
15. Don't cheat (on boys that is, tests are fine)
16. I know it says on your myspaces' that you don't care what people think…but you do, so shut up.
17. Don't take picture of you smoking weed/drinking and put them on myspace/facebook.
18. Don't hook up with: Kyle miller and Akbar....just don't.
19. Don't be a bitch. Giiiiiiven.
20. Be friends with everyone.
21. Don't try to act older, just be freshman.
22. create variety between the two middle schools
23. Try not to use the phrase "best friends" 
24. Don't go to upperclassman parties and smoke/drink their shit unless the host says it's okay.
25. Don't talk too much shit cause EVERYONE will eventually know what you said.
26. Don't think you're the shit. Because your not. 
27. Don't do dip. Especially if you're a girl
28. Don't do something you don't want anyone to know about, cause everyone always finds out....ALWAYS.
29. Don't use your locker
30. Always know your way around the look gay if you get lost.
31. Usually travel in a group.
32. But not too often.
33. Don't sneak out of other peoples houses too much or they might think your using them.
34. Only sneak out if its FOOL PROOF.
35. Be tight with your parents. They're your best friends in the long run.
36. Plan your outfits the night before.
37. You have a designated corner…stay there freshman.
38. Always be nice to Char...and the chinese lady.
39. Like hockey. Or your life will suck.
40. Think ahead; plan.
41. ALWAYS stay on your parents good side, you get a ton more trust that way.
42. Don't throw a party.
43. Don't buy a 40 for 8 dollars. Your an idiot.
44. Drink for the first time with JUST your girl friends.
45. So you wont get taken advantage.
46. Become friends with Negen.
47. DO NOT flirt with every living thing that has testicles...please, its gross.
48. Become friends with the ghetto chicks...just not too close.
49. Be good with excuses.
50. Tell the truth.
51. No one likes a liar.
52. Don't have sex with just ANYONE...ew.
53. Have a eclectic style, not JUST abercombie.
54. Spend your money wisely.
55. You're the faggot if you DON'T go wild'n'out on blue and white day
56. Don't be loud
57. Myspace does not rule the universe.
58. Work hard, play harder.
59. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT fall for akbar no matter WHAT he says.
60. If your gunna give a blow job, ALWAYS swallow, or its not even worth it and all boys will lose respect for you.
61. Losing your virginity should be a memorable thing, so do it when you don't have a bottle of liquor inside of you.
62. Don't be easy.
63. Guys like a chase...but not a tease
64. Don't try to embarrass your friends in front of older people
65. Chicks before dicks.
66. Stay away from drama as much as possible.
67. Being pretty gets you places, having a good personality keeps you there.
68. Don't rely on coping people's homework till the next morning. 80% of the time it doesn't work.
69. Money isn't everything.
70. DOO NOTT over-analyze things.
71. Be nice.
72. Be practical.
73. Be classy.
74. Don't give out your number if you don't want people to call.
75. Because they will.
76. Don't become addicted to anything.
77. Never ever ask an upperclassman that can drive to take you somewhere. No matter how stuck you are.
78. Invest in an iPod.
79. Don't put anyone else's drugs in your locker.
80. ***** Just because a guy hooks up with you more than once, does not mean that he likes you.
81. No guys ever LIKE anyone--they just like your ass.
82. Don't worry too much if an upperclassman guy doesn't like you-worry if an upperclassman GIRL doesn't like you.
83. We WILL try our best to promote your cool-if you are.
84. Bring money to school--everyday for cookies.
85. Don't get attached to hookups.
86. Don't be a prude.
87. The majority of Jefferson is don't worry.
88. DO NOT take a lot of pictures at like your girly nights. Or in public/school activities such as hockey games. That's fucking annoying.
89. Get into funny stuff, like Dane cook, and family guy. That way guys can joke around with you and you seem cooler than you are, because your at the bottom starting off.
90. Get yourself some moccasins
91. Limit yourself to throwing up three peace signs a day
92. The second you try to use 'high school slag' uuughhh YOUR GAY.
93. Don't smoke yourself retarded.
94. Don't call everyone your 'nigger'. Because they're not. 95. Try to take a full year of math--advantage in the long run.
96. Don't get caught with your phone in class.
97. Get a facebook.
98. And don't join gay groups on facebook. They won't make you cooler.
99. We know what we're talking about--so don't ignore any of this shit.
100. Don't don't don't don't don't take things too seriously. High school just is silly.
101. If you can-get a non popular upperclassman that is dead serious about being your friend. Not a hook up-and not some cheap skank. They'll help you out.
102. Yeah...Jefferson is a damn good lookin' school-so don't be afraid to talk to your eye candy
103. Don't forget your 9th grade boys. You need to stay close to them because when junior and senior year rolls around, you'll have no one but them. And then they might not want to hang out with you. So be sure to hang out with them once in a while.
104. Go to church! You'll end up doing a lot of sinning.
105. I you tell someone not to tell anyone should probably just not tell them in the first place.
106. The majority of freshman boys will give you big time shit for drinking/doing drugs but they'll come around in a year or so. Haha.
107. Don't give upperclassman evil glares. It will piss them off and then they WILL make you feel like you want to die.
108. Text your friends, text your rents. But texting older classmen gives them proof if your a huge skeez. 
109. You will get noticed. Don't worry and don't draw negative attention to yourself. People will get up in your grib (grillz and crib)
110. If you're called a hoe, shake it off. So what if you are, your probably not though.
111. Don't be obsessed with major league baseball
112. If you wear your Ipod during school, don't have the music to the fullest extent
113. Do quiz bowl, or some extra curricular activity. Your not considered a nerd
114. If something big/embarrassing happened to you over the weekend, and your nervous to go to school on Monday because you think everyone will look at you, or make fun of you….they wont. Because they don't care.
115. Herpes is already at Jefferson. Don't get it.
116. Do go looking for your soul mate
117. Anything but an A does NOT mean an F
118. Friday does not automatically mean party. Chill once in a while
119. Don't do anything that would get your crutches
120. Yup, myspace comments are great, and they'll boost your self esteem…but the second you start to pull down your shorts in your pics, your going to get big shit.
121. Find balances between you're your friends and everything else that's going on in your life.
122. You'll do just find on the mega mythology test…but study your shit.
123.*******You're a freshman; DON'T leave during finals for open lunch. You'll have your chance…order in pizza or have your rents drop your shit off…don't sneak out. It's not your turn.
124. Don't say hi to everyone you know in the hallway
125. Get into spirit week!
126. You're friends are not guaranteed to always be there…so try your best to keep them there.
127. If you want to get your shit pierced, have your mom take you to a parlor. Don't do it yourself (exception: ears)
128. If an upperclassman asks you how your weekend was…you say it was good. Don't give them a play by play
129. The second you start judging someone, you're just…being stupid.
130. Try to get a job; lunds…ehhh…stay away from there though.
131. Play at least one sport a year
132. Don't go to prom as a freshman. Hell yeah its cool as hell, but its not your turn
133. If you have a sidekick, don't flaunt it


Molly said...

#128 is my favorite.

Molly said...

Check that. #111.

Peter said...

Interesting that #111 and #128 are eerily connected by play-by-play.

Eva said...

#19 and #122: it is amazing that two nuggets of such sage advice could appear in just one list.

ALEX said...


neonspecs said...

ay. This is so ridiculous/incorrectly spelled. It hurts/ is incredibly entertaining.

Colin said...

hockey and lunds