Top 25 Things About Me

Let me just spill some bile regarding Facebook. It’s been a long, long time since I enjoyed Facebook as a fun, useful social-networking/persona-crafting/flirtation-facilitation site. Yes, Virginia… there was a good Facebook once. Your little brother wasn’t on it, neither were drifters with occasional internet access, nursing mothers, or state school kids.

And there were no fucking cutesy apps and no goddamn lists of things about me. (Quick note: GUESS THE FRIG WHAT, there is a section under “Info” where you can write things about yourself. It is conveniently titled “About Me”.) Well, I’m sure as shit not posting this to Facebook.

25. I am watching Multiplicity right now.

24. I watched Groundhog Day yesterday.

23. I’m not gonna lie, Harold Ramis can direct the shit out of a 90’s comedy. (And The Ice Harvest is the most pleasant of surprises.)

22. I also won’t lie about what a molten bag of awful Andie MacDowell is… the truth is, she’s a molten bag of awful.

21. I have to start over—those last four things were so tangentially about me, it hurts.

20. Hmm, let’s see what my current About Me is. Oh. It’s in two parts. The first one is, “Nick Punto singled to right field. Nick Punto out at second attempting to advance on the play.” Okay, that’s basically my way of saying that I try really hard, sometimes to my detriment. Also, Nick Punto is my favorite baseball player. Whoa! Those are like, two real things about me! Let’s keep going!

19. The other half of my actual About Me is, “I can't wait to update my Facebook profile to reflect the positive changes in my life!” Okay. Explanation. That’s a line from a musical I worked on. Rob (of Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things), Tom (of My Apartment), and I wrote the script. That is a funny line, yes? Well, I think so…

18. Oh, um, I’ve been cooking a lot lately. Like tonight, I made a steak sandwich with goat cheese and grilled tomatoes.

17. JESUS THAT LAST ONE WAS BORING! This is what’s wrong with these lists—they cause you to reduce yourself to the minutiae that are most immediate to consciousness upon composition. Here’s a fuckin’ fact, nerdos—I AM NOT MINUTE.

16. I’m also not fat. I can’t stress that enough.

15. I have a very annoying propensity to point out That Guys in movies. As in, “Oh, that guy! That’s Jim Piddock! He’s in Best in Show!” I say this because I just did that…

14. None of the following is news… I like hockey, The Departed, The Hold Steady, Minnesota, and most Kerouac and Fitzgerald. BUT YOU DIDN'T NEED TO READ THIS LIST TO KNOW THAT.

13. Sometimes Laksh and Caitlin call me WikiPete.

12. The moment the other night when Bruce Springsteen yelled out to America/The Galaxy, “Is there anyone alive out there!” my heart grew four sizes and my soul grew five hearts.

11. This moment was shattered when the Boss powerslid his junk into a camera by the side of the stage, thus making love to all of America/The Galaxy.

10. I really feel for Michael Keaton in this movie.

9. I think it’s because he looks like my brother.

8. I should call my brother.

7. I should call my mom and dad.

6. I called them last night… still, though.

5. I really should never have started this… this is like a plate full of chicken that I order at 3 AM. Oh, I’ll finish it. But I won’t feel good about myself. Ever again.

4. Nah… I’m still pretty cool. I was Most Valuable Tenor in Junior Year.

3. Oh God, I peaked early.

2. Laksh just made a really cute face. I should just end this list.

1. I’m better than this fucking list. Also, thanks for putting up with me/occasionally finding me funny, dear readers. PaRMLotters. Yeah. That’s what you guys are. It sounds like an otter covered in chicken parm. Hah!