Top 12 Incorrect Titles for This Site

12. Peter and Rob Make Links to Things
Essentially the same, minus snark and commentary and snarky commentary. (Which means you’d love it so much less!)

11. Peter and Rob Make Light of Things
Essentially the same, minus the helpful links and the occasional posts where I wax epic-poetic about baseball or “Jungleland”.

10. Peter and Rob Make Liszt Some Things
Very, very different. This would be us following round the clock orders from Franz Liszt.

9. Peter and Rob Make Lists of Thighs
This is an itemized soft-core porn site. God help you if you are into that.

8. Peter and Rob Make Fists at Things
This is most of Rob’s posts already.

7. Peter and Rob Make Biscuit Things
This is what it would be like if Rob and I tried to make some sort of doughy appetizer.

6. Rob and Peter Make Lists of Things
This is just totally backwards and I don’t even want to consider it.

5. Peter and Rob Take Piss on Things
Either this a very gross, very niche-oriented porn site, or the title is figurative and this is essentially the same site.

4. Peter and Rob Bake Wistful Things
This is like “Make Biscuit Things” but it takes a more reverent, nostalgic look at the baked good of interest.

3. Peter and Rob Wake Fitfully
This is just true.

2. Peter and Rob Do Each Other Sometimes
This is also just true.

1. Ron Shortsweather’s Exciting Opportunities
This is as close to truth as a human can be.

12 Steps in a 12-Step Program I Just Invented to Cure Your Addiction to 12-Step Programs

1. Admit that you have a problem

It probably has to do with your obsession with the number twelve.  Seriously--that much of anything packed into one syllable?  I understand the allure.

2. Come to believe in a greater power.

Specifically, in the number 13.

3. Turn yourself over to that power

This may be difficult for those with triskaidekaphobia.  Do not be afraid of 13.  Trust in 13.

4. Take a moral inventory of yourself

Also a physical inventory.  What's your pockets?  Twelve pieces of paper, each with a different twelve-step program written on them?  HAND THEM OVER.

5. Admit to yourself, others, and the holy thirteen the nature of your wrongs

Tell them all to me.  In lurid detail.  I may masturbate.

6. Be ready for thirteen to remove your defects of character

Also, be ready for me to masturbate.  I know I said that in the last one, but seriously, you better be prepared.

7. Ask 13 to remove your shortcomings

It probably won't because it's a number.

8. Make a list of persons you have harmed

That list will mostly be just yourself, as an addiction to 12-step programs rarely have serious consequences for other people.  Though possibly you have also wronged someone named Fran.  Don't ask me how I knew, I just did.

9. Make direct amends to persons you have harmed

Fran loves you.  Go to her.  Never leave her again.

10. Continue to take personal inventory and admit when you're wrong

This one seriously feels like padding.  Maybe the solution was to try an 11-step program and skip this step?  TOO LATE YOU ARE A PART OF MY PROGRAM NOW!

11. Seek to increase your contact with 13

It wouldn't hurt to increase your contact with prime numbers in general, to be honest.  Not for this, necessarily, but it'll be useful in the long run, for the battle with the robots.  Did you know that the only simple operation that robots cannot perform is to find primes?  Just kidding, I made that up completely.  They can totally find primes.  Way better than us.  If the fate of the world comes down to a prime-finding contest, we're fucked.

12. Carry the message to other addicts

Carry it in a bottle, preferrably, and throw it out to sea like you're in a B.C. cartoon.  Maybe write a chess move on it just in case.

13. INVENT A MOTHERFUCKING EXTRA STEP!!!!!!!!

Top 15 Lists Peter Wrote for Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things in 2008

More navel-gazing!  But this time it's me gazing at Peter's navel!  Is that weird?  Too late to care, let's forge on ahead!  (Note: I tended to favor older lists, which I figure newer readers are less likely to have seen, so you can enjoy the best of what you haven't read yet!)

15. Top 17 Halloween Costumes for Lazy People

With over 300 views, this is the all-time most popular list on PaRMLoT, and who am I to argue with popular consensus?  Most of the hits came from people searching terms like "lazy halloween costumes" in the three days before the holiday, and I'm glad they came to the best possible resource for such a need.  It's the best possible resource because a lot of the costumes on the list are of the "don't change anything and say you are X" variety.  I really hope that Peter helped 300 people be "that asshole with the meta-costume" at their respective parties.

14. Top 9 Things I Think About Legends of the Hidden Temple

Peter's obsession with Legends of the Hidden Temple has run strong throughout this blog, and this is the apex of his focus on it, which adds to its stature.  Mostly, however, this list is on here because In completely lose it every time I read #2, "Kirk Fogg is clearly a prisoner."

13. Top 33 Fictional Haircuts

I love Peter's lists of "fictional Xs" (there may even be another one on this list...no peeking!) because they often just spiral off into total absurdity.  This one starts pretty strong--there's something glorious about a haircut with a forward slash in the name--and by the time I am imagining exactly what the haircut "The Capitol Steps" looks like, I'm IN IT.

12. Top 15 "That Guy" Guys (and Gals) to Use in a Game of Celebrity

I love Celebrity, and hopefully this list introduced some people to the game.  What makes Peter's list about it great, though is the constant switching between the three different rounds.  Especially the round two ones--"not Randy" is such an artful description of Dennis Quaid.  It's weirdly both absurdist and extremely relatable if you've played the game.

11. Top 25 Closing Tracks

I think that of all Peter's pop-culture-analysis posts, this is my favorite.  Read this list to instill in yourself exactly what makes a great closing track to a great album.  What makes a good closing track is complicated, and I think this list captures it perfectly.

10. Top 10 Literary Devices of All Time

Extra points to this list for being the FIRST REAL LIST ever posted on Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things!  Basic points for being hilarious and awesome, and for #3, "All of the main characters are actually cats," which carries the following description:

Note: Do NOT under any circumstances disclose or make references to this fact prior to deploying the literary device. If on page 250 of "Cat Party: The Party That Was For Cats" you throw in a line like, "By the way, Ernst, Gabby, and Martinique are all shorthair tabbies," no one will care. But imagine how much better Crime and Punishment could have been!!!

9. The Top Saddest Thing About Baseball Season

Dammit, Peter, the whole purpose of making lists is that you don't even have to write good or even complete sentences.  But Peter flouted list convention and put up an actually excellent piece of writing, a paean to the Twins' season that is certainly the best bit of prose on the site.  Read this and make yourself cry if you are a sports fan of any kind.

8. Top 8 Amazing Hypothetical Episodes of TV We Could Watch if the Candidates Were to Go Back in Time and Guest on 90s Sitcoms

I am such a sucker for super-high-concept stuff, and this list is so high-concept that it almost mocks the entire concept.  (Of being high-concept.  Concept.)  This list combines all the greatest things in the world--politics, guest appearances on sitcoms, and the 90s.  Also, it contains the following sentence:

Niles can’t stop crushing on Michelle Obama and Daphne can’t stop being tacitly racist!

That, friends, is a list.

7. The Top 9 Two-Word Phrases You Probably Wouldn't Want to be Described With

Not only does Peter leave a prep hangin' and not regret it in the title of this list, this early list is packed with gems: it starts with "vaguely sexual," "early Bowie," and "wanton cannibal," and it's only uphill from there.

6. Top 31 Deleted Chapters from Nietzsche's Ecce Homo

I have had several people tell me that this is one of their favorite lists on the site, and I agree.  I think it sort of manages to enscapulate everything we're trying to do with this blog--perfect opportunity for the list format, references to Legends of the Hidden Temple, and a highbrow educated concept replete with dick jokes.  Great work, Peter.

5. Top 12 Unbroadcasted E! or AMC-Type Countdown Shows

I think my favorite part about this is the hosts, which at first seem arbitrary, but the more you reread them, the more they seem to be exactly the perfect person who would host that show and cause you to only sorta get why they are hosting it.  Top Facebook invites hosted by Lily Tomlin?  Why DOES that sorta make sense to me?  Also, it keeps alive one of our more minor feuds, the legitimacy of Casey Affleck, the sucker who has done nothing.  Also, I love meta-lists.

4. Top 16 Fictional Presidents

Oh, speaking of feuds, I JUST PUT THIS  LIST ON HERE CUZ IT SUCKS AND PETER FORGOT MERKIN MUFFLEY WHAT AN IDIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOTTTT!!!!  Merkin Muffley 4 lyfe.

3. Top 6 Email Addresses I Maintain Other Than My Own

This post is wonderful largely because all of the addresses are real and all the e-mails were actually sent, some of them to me.  The Ron Shortsweather e-mail that is listed at #1 is one of the great pieces of art produced by western civilization.  Specifically, the bit with the broken links to pictures of beaches...that's worthy of someone's grad thesis.  Pray that one day you will be special enough to receive an e-mail from one of these addresses.

2. Top 29 Fictional Archetypes/Stock Characters

I want to live in the world where these are stock characters.  That world is the best world of all worlds.  Just imagine "the alcoholic child" showing up and you knowing exactly what you are getting.  Yeah, you want to live in that world, too.

1. Top 17 Google Trend Searches

This was the best list on the site when Peter wrote it originally, and I think it still is.  As well as providing people with a way to settle any and all arguments, Peter gives some of the best examples, including: "Love vs. Sex," "Millard Fillmore v. Rutheford B. Hayes," and references to Neil Young, Multiplicity, and The Colbert Report.  This is the list that you will spend a few minutes reading, then several hours playing with the game that it teaches you.  This is the list to beat all lists.

Top 15 Lists Rob Has Written for "Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things" in 2008

SELF-REFLEXIVE LIST!!! (Or, rather, Rob-reflexive, I suppose.)

Rob and I make no bones about the fact that we dig each other's moves/style/general "je ne sais quoi". 'Bout time we quantified it, eh?!

15. Top 7 Reasons Not to Vote
This brings me joy because in my little heart of hearts, I like to think that maybe some dumb people read this and decided not to vote.

14. Top 14 Tramps and Whether or Not They Are Like Us
This brings me joy because it is the second hobo-focused post on our site, it trashes prog-rock, and it contains the sentences, "The official way to generate nicknames for us tramps is by using your home state as your first name. Take it from us, Minnesota Trump and New York Mende-Siedlecki."

13. Top 18 Micronations
This brings me joy because I can easily imagine the gleeful smile on Rob's face that resulted from Wikipedia-ing "micronations". (Also, he makes a sweet Sidd Finch reference and kicks libertarians in the pants a few times!)

12. Top 6 Screenplays I Wish I Had Written
This brings me joy because it reminds me that Rob is still sore over the Merkin Muffley exclusion, but more importantly, because it reminds me that my co-list-blogger has excellent taste.

11. Top 5 Reasons Why We Are Not Currently Winning Any Blogger's Choice Awards
This brings me joy because it shows Rob's berserker-rage hatred of cystic fibrosis and the people who blog about it. Also, he makes reference to a fictional rash that I had.

10. 7 Graphs Against "Amount of Pages I Have Written"
This brings me joy because this list gave us our single-day high for page views. Thanks finals, Google Analytics, and Rob Trump!

9. Top 11 Birthdays Today, August 12th
This brings me joy because it is ineffably sweet. Okay, the sweetness of this list is actually pretty effable. Okay, this got weird.

8. The 15 Minnesota-est Songs, on a Minnesota Music Mix I Made
This brings me joy because Rob Trump is the kind of dedicated list-bloodhound who a) makes a sweet Minnesota Music Mix, b) tracks down all the songs, c) puts the mix on Megaupload, d) writes so goddamn well about it, and finally, e) chooses to end the mix with Morris Day and the mothafuckin' Time!

7. Top 8 Children Who Were Left Behind
This brings me joy because Rob makes the greatest pun about his butt in this list, and also he drops a train on Corey Hart.

6. Top 14 State Capitals That You Have Uselessly Memorized
This brings me joy because Rob is a master of running joke-progressions on so many levels simultaneously. Also, this list is entirely composed of truth.

5. Top 25 Meatbones
This brings me joy because it proves that Rob Trump follows through, like a genius knight of the first rank.

4. Top 31 Things that Peter and I Go Together Like
This brings me joy because it's (half) about me and it's (easily) the gayest thing on our site. AND I MEAN THAT IN THE BEST GOOD WAY.

3. Top 7 Worst Examples of Modern Satire
This brings me joy because there is nothing like a Trump Rant to sufficiently dress down a piece of pop culture. When a smart person is angry, I like to make popcorn and watch. This quote is classic Trump (and it has more libertarian jabs!!!): "Look, South Park makes me laugh. Sometimes. But it isn't an eye of sanity trained on the ridiculousness of our lives. It's a poop joke with impersonations of politicians thrown in. And its creators are loony libertarians."

2. Top 9 Funniest Wikipedia Pages to Replace With a Blank Page and a Picture of a Gorilla Giving You the Middle Finger
This brings me joy because Rob is a master of the absurd.

1. Top 24 Ways to Tell that You Do Not Belong in Mensa
This brings me joy because it is honestly the funniest goddamn list on our site.

The Top 14 Links I Have Forwarded in the Past Few Days

14. http://www.amazon.com/Lost-Supermarket-Indie-Rock-Cookbook/dp/1593762038

Including The Mountain Goats’ John Darnielle’s recipe for ginger fruit punch. (Although, unfortunately, after some research, it seems that JD disavowed this cookbook after they failed to send him a copy and edited the shit—sorta—out of his recipe.)

13. http://www.somethingawful.com/d/feature-articles/email-4cham-hijackers.php (Something Awful continues to lampoon the hell out of Levi Johnston, to my delight, as well as Rob's)

Something Awful: #1 in the nation in Levi Johnston-related humor.

12. http://endhits.portlandmercury.com/archives/2008/09/15/around-the-world-with-the-moun (map of all the places mentioned in Mountain Goats songs)

This really isn't that amusing unless you're a huge Mountain Goats fan and spend a lot of time trying to track down rare recordings of songs they have performed maybe once. ("Going to Buffalo"!? Does anyone have this? Hello? Internets, are you listening? On the internet, no one can hear you scream. Well. On second thought, they might hear it, but they probably won't comment.)

11. http://elitish.com/?p=83 (The Top 5 Best and Worst Pitchfork Media Reviews)

As co-owner/operator of a listblog, I have to spend some time researching my colleagues/competition. And, as an ashamed-to-admit-it Pitchfork regular, this was a fun little trip down dorky-memory lane. (“Oh man… I do remember that Lifter Puller review. That was weird! This internet man agrees with me! I’m okay, he’s okay!”)

10. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unusual_deaths

Highlights include the Burman king who laughed to death, the baseball player who swung his bat too hard, and the compulsive hoarder who was crushed under his collection of stuff.

9. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/20/us/politics/20biden.html?hp and http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/09/20/bidens-gunsmoke-moment/ (A pair of great Biden pieces)

You guys, I really like Joe Biden. Like, I like like him. I don’t believe in that whole “guy you can have a beer with” thing, but if Joey B wants to have a beer with me, I’m totally cool with it.

8. http://www.forbes.com/opinions/2008/09/14/sarah-palin-feminism-oped-cx_hm_0915mansfield.html?feed=rss_popstories (A really shitty Forbes piece that asks if feminism was necessary, based on Sarah Palin's success)

Aaaaaaah, this is so bad… this is so so bad. You know how much I like like Joe Biden? That’s how much I hate hate Harvey Mansfield. Wait, what are you saying, Harv? Sarah Palin is the VP candidate and Hillary Clinton is out of the race because Miss Alaska has the capacity to love and be loved and Hill doesn’t? I’m sorry, I just had a stroke. (Also, this quote: “You may be sure that I am not the first one to notice that feminist women are unerotic.” I just had another stroke. Two strokes is unhealthy for one day?)

7. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIPZkNJS4-0 (Russian TV news report on the fall of Lehman Brothers) 

Surprisingly, this is the only Youtube entry on the list. Not the funniest video per se, until you realize that the first guy they interview is actually my friend Pitr and he’s telling the Russian media bald-faced lies. (PS: I had to google whether the correct usage is bald-faced or bold-faced. Either way, kudos to Pitr for pulling one over on the Ruskies!)

6. http://blog.wired.com/music/2008/09/could-stephen-c.html (Wired post on the recently announced Stephen Colbert Christmas special) 

In answer to the question posed by the headline: DUDES, NO! It’s going to be tee-riff! Just ‘cause Toby Keith is going to be part of the festivities, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it, y’all. I mean… I mean… Elvis Costello, guys! Declan MacManus! The little hands of concrete! The King of America! (Those are all the same people, to clarify.) Well done to the commenters on this post... no need for Toby-bashing. It only takes away from the time you can spend celebrating the promised Stewart-Colbert duet!

5. http://www.theonion.com/content/news/epa_shuts_down_local_ghost

I don’t know if I’m out of line in saying this, but has The Onion been better than average lately? Obviously it had it’s hey-dey, but the past few years certainly fall under the heading of “lull” in my estimation. Perhaps it’s election-year intensity that’s got everyone firing on all cylinders. (Also, the Onion News Network material is fan-friggin’-tastic. Honestly, it’s secretly some of the best comedy online right now.)

4. http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809873025/trailer (Trailer for Synechdoche, New York) 

This film looks ballin’ as all get-out. Kaufman’s directorial debut is reportedly quite dark—and am I the only one who’s catching a 8 ½ vibe here? (Fun story: I was playing trivia tonight and the team I was grading scored 8.5 points in one of the rounds, so I wrote “Fellini’s” next to their score and put 8.5 in quotes. I am a HUGE douche—and now I’m telling you about it! Gosh! What is wrong!)

3. http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nascar_cancels_remainder_of_season

Very classy, The Onion. Not only is their sports-parody second-to-none, this was actually a truly heartfelt tribute to DFW, funny and poignant.

2. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schmidt_Sting_Pain_Index

Someone needs to make Julian O. Schmidt the American poet laureate. Honestly, these descriptions of painful experiences elicited by insect stings are as beautiful as they are unhelpful! Can pain have an “aftertaste” or be “irreverent”? Will you ever find yourself in a doctor’s office saying, “Gee, doc… the pain is rich, hearty, and… slightly crunchy? Gosh, it’s almost like someone has mashed my hand in a revolving door!”—to which he will surely reply, “Well, buddy… looks like we’re dealing with a bald-faced hornet sting. (To which I will reply, “Are you sure it isn’t ‘bold-faced hornet’?”)

ALSO: How shitty has Dr. Schmidt’s life been that he can use fire-walking with a rusty nail in one’s heel or bubble-bath electrocution as frames of metaphorical reference?

1. http://blog.wired.com/music/2008/04/a-scientific-at.html (Wired post on a scientific attempt to create the world's most unwanted song)

Download this song immediately. Listen to it time after time after time. It is a breath-taking work of art. The final chorus is what I expect to hear playing as the world sinks into a lake of fire. (Yes, I just made a reference to Ragnarok—the Norse “Twilight of the Gods”. Yes, I expect to be around for Ragnarok. Yes, I am going to dwell on this for a while…)

Top 7 Days of the Week I Almost Gave Myself for this Blog

So, at one point in time, I was all, "Rob, you write too many lists that are pretty much the same shit of you just being angry about pop culture and calling it un-edgily 'offensive' things like 'lame' and 'gay' and 'retarded' you are pretty much five years old."  I thought maybe a solution to this was to set aside only certain days of the week for pop culture lists, forcing me to write actually inventive lists on the other days.  Then I realized that idea was lame, gay, and retarded.  But this is what MIGHT HAVE BEEN:

7. Silly Sundays

On this day I would write a silly list!  Jesus this is not off to a good start.

6. Movie Mondays

On this day I would write a list about movies!  I like movies because they are okay.

5. Tunesday

On this day I would write a list about music!!!!  I like music a lot, and I hate shitty music, like the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  The suckiest thing about the Red Hot Chili Peppers is how much they suck (a lot!!!!).

4. Woodrow Wilson Wednesday

On this day I would write a list about Millard Filmore.

3. Thee-vee Thursday

All of the lists on this day would be about Viagra.

2. Freegan Friday

On this day I would salvage a list from a dumpster and eat it (not post it).

1. Suck it Saturday

We don't write lists on Saturday.  I wish it was Saturday.

Top 6 Things I've Learned in a Month of Having a Blog

I know we haven't actually been doing this for a month yet, but it just changed months or whatever you call that, and I've learned enough in August to fill three lifetimes (really short ones where the babies died like right as they were being born though).

6. You end up investing way more of yourself in it than you would like to admit

Honestly, blogs are really stupid, and I'm pretty stupid for having one.  But that doesn't change the fact that I spent a decent amount of idle time wondering what a good list to make soon might be, or doodling on my math notebook ideas for "Top 34 Gay Porn Movies Inspired by Classic Literature" (#3 Lord of the Guys, #2 The Gay Fatsby, #1 Moby Dick)

(Alternate #1 for that last one: Brave New World)

(Another alternate: Uncle Tom's Cabin Where He Rapes You)

5. A lot of blogging is giving shoutouts to other blogs

I discovered that in this post, and with that idea in mind, I would like to direct your attention toward Dregslist, where Alex W. and Jeff J. have been making sport of posting ridiculous things on Craigslist and collecting responses.  Sample bit of inspired brilliance: "Looking for Someone to Recite Pledge of Allegiance While I Masturbate."

4. Peter and I Do Each Other Sometimes

http://www.peterandrobdoeachothersometimes.blogspot.com

3. Producing this much content is a bitch

We're basically trying to write 6 lists a week, each of which is based in a more or less coherent comedic or cultural-criticism idea (or probably both), so we're pretty  much writing six articles a day for our own amusement.  Part of the reason I wanted to do this was to challenge myself to produce lots of content, but it's f'in hard.  And...

2. When I can't think of anything funny I usually just get angry

See pretty much everything with this tag.  A lot of my written sense of humor is pretty heavily influenced by Something Awful, which is one of the best comedy publications going right now, and it's all online.  SA is probably what influenced me to be as aggressive as I am sometimes, but I do think it can be a pretty major fallback and (ironically) very lazy.  This gives me even more appreciation for someone like Ryan North, who is consistently hilarious without really ever going on the offensive with anger/rage.

1. This is ours and not a ton of people read it so I can do whatever I want

Poop poop suede archipelago suicide poop

The Top 12 Portrayals of Adolescence I Excluded From My Last List (And Why!!!)

You guys. I made a list the other day of the most endearing, earnest portrayals of adolescence and I understand if you didn't agree. Obviously, I left out a few items. Some I didn't see at the right time. Some I really just don't like. Some I, um, totally forgot. But for better or for worse, here are the choicest rejects and my reasons for rejection!

12. Dazed and Confused
Directed by Richard Linklater.

It kills me that I am lame enough to make the following statement: I didn't see this movie in its entirety until like, a year and a half ago. When it came out on Criterion. I watched it on my laptop, actually. (Gosh, this is like being naked in public. Or showing up to hockey game in a basketball jersey.) And, actually, although I love this movie, I think that in a technical sense, the depiction of adolescence is somehow lacking. There are scenes... quotes... even whole plotlines that I buy completely. When Anthony Rapp, Adam Goldberg, and that redhead chick are driving, and she says something to the tune of, "I'd like to quit thinking of the present, like right now, as some minor, insignificant preamble to something else." That gets me right here. But the kids playing the kids aren't, um, that good. Wiley Wiggins, stop grabbing your eyebrows. Ben Affleck, you will never not be Ben Affleck. Joey Lauren Adams... you try real hard. I'm being hyper-critical. This is a movie I love. But it's not a movie that defined anything for me. Sorry America!

11. "My Generation" - The Who

Um, so... I wasn't born in the 60's. Nobody tries to put me down and I don't really get around. Also, I'm not on speed. This song is a relic. A great relic. Like the Shroud of Turin. Or Ted Kennedy. But plain and simple, it's not about my generation. It's about some other generation, a totally relevant and important generation, to be sure... but, eh... it ain't mine. Sorry America!

10. "Forever Young" - Bob Dylan

I am probably one of the biggest 22 year-old Bob Dylan fans alive. I cannot count the number of times I have listened to Desire or to Blood on the Tracks. Those albums were an education. I owe my understanding of love and relationships to Bob Dylan. But this isn't a song about adolescence, it's a song about an adult wishing a misremembered past on someone younger. It's a sweet sentiment, but it has never rung true to me. (Also, for you Alphaville fans out there... their "Forever Young"--a totally different song--featured in Napoleon Dynamite, is a great song, and that moment near the end of that film, with Deb, Pedro, and Napoleon at prom, is incredibly captivating... but, um, I forgot it.) Sorry America!

9. The Red Badge of Courage/All Quiet on the Western Front
By Stephen Crane/By Erich Maria Remarque

Automatic disqualifications right here. The insinuation that war is what makes a man is unfortunate and troubling. I'm not saying that these books are responsible for that mindset. I'm saying some folks didn't get the point. These folks should go buy the collected works of Wilfred Owen. Or, actually, wait, no... they should read The Red Badge of Courage and All Quiet on the Western Front again. War, no joke, is hell. This should be a shock to no one. War is not a classroom. War is not a prom. War isn't your teenage years. (Or, goddammit, it shouldn't be, at least.) War is red, bloody hell. These books get that right, but they are not "coming-of-age" novels. Sorry America!

8. Superbad
Directed by Greg Mottola.

I dig Judd Apatow like a grave, man. From "The Larry Sanders Show" to "The Ben Stiller Show" to "Freaks and Geeks" to Knocked Up to Pineapple Express, I am IN. I celebrate the entire corpus. But Can't Hardly Wait was my Superbad. That's it. It's as simple as that. That niche is filled. Sorry America!

7. Stand By Me/Stand By Me
Directed by Rob Reiner.

This was a deliberate exclusion but the more I think about it, I can't really pinpoint why. Wil Wheaton's shining moment, Richard Dreyfuss voiceover, fat Jerry O'Connell, one of the Coreys, Cusack cameo, tight soundtrack, quotable script, dead body... I saw it at the right time and everything too! OH. WAIT. I know why it didn't have the same effect on me that it did for other folks... I SAW IT THE WEEK AFTER I SAW THE SANDLOT. (Further testament to how good The Sandlot is.) Sorry America!

6. "Still Fighting It" - Ben Folds

I was shy of this one, I'll admit it. I wanted to put it on, but I got scared. This song consistently makes me cry. So much so, in fact, that I haven't let myself listen to it in five years or so. (Same with "Upwards Over the Mountain" by Sufjan Stevens, a song worthy of an entry on this list if I wasn't so lazy. Also "Casmir Pulaski Day"...) The last time I remember listening to it was freshman year of college. My then-girlfriend's sister had left a message on my answering machine asking me to buy magazines for some fund drive. I was missing home and high school and all that and, well, that was it. I couldn't listen anymore. It was too on the nose. Sorry America!

5. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

Stupid, stupid exclusion. I wasn't thinking. Whenever I paint fences or visit my own funeral or talk to Becky, I think of this book. I wanted to be Tom Sawyer when I was ten. Okay, I still kinda want to be Tom Sawyer. Plus, there's a sweet Rush song about this book. Sort of. You guys, I'm ashamed. This was just silly. Sorry America!

4. The Breakfast ClubDirected by John Hughes.

Um... here's the thing. I get that this is a fantastic film and an 80's hallmark and probably John Hughes' best work and the crystallization of the Brat Pack and the baloney falling from the ceiling is classic and the dance number and the lipstick-with-the-boobs trick and the flare-gun-in-the-locker story... yeah, I get it. But I saw it when I was twelve. With my mom. On cable. Probably eating ice cream. I didn't see in during my angry youth, I wasn't busy suffering through my tragic nerd/jock/criminal/basket-case/princess phase, I was j-chillin' with the Moms on a Tuesday and I happened to catch it on TBS. So I don't have the same gut-twisting, that-is-me-in-that-movie, no-seriously-look-at-me-on-the-screen feeling when I watch The Breakfast Club. Sorry America!

3. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Directed by John Hughes.

As I've said already, this list comprises many works that I truly respect and admire. I don't have those feelings for this movie. I really, really don't like Ferris Bueller's Day Off. When I watched it as a kid, I just thought over and over, "This guy is such an asshole! Why is he allowed to get away with all this shit? Why the fuck do his friends care about him?" (I swore a lot as a kid.) What's more, I could not help but feel terrible for Cameron. He's a good guy--he's a great character--and he lets Ferris walk all over him. Just once, I wanted to see Cameron throw a right cross at his BFF and knock his smug ass out. That's just how I feel, y'all. Sorry America!

2. "Freaks and Geeks" and "The Adventures of Pete and Pete"
Created by Paul Feig/Created by Will McRobb and Chris Viscardi.

Aaaaaaah, I'm so dumb. I'm a jerk for forgetting these two shows. I have no right to have forgotten them. I loved them both so much and I don't understand why on God's green earth I would have left them out in the cold. (I also don't own the "Freaks and Geeks" DVD!? Why am I spinning out of control!?) Choice episodes... "Kim Kelly is My Friend" for the former, "The Day of the Dot" for the latter. Plus my name is Pete(r). And I was a geek. I can't even offer commentary on these shows, you guys. I'm too embarrassed. Sorry America!

1. Catcher in the Rye
By J.D. Salinger

This exclusion is essentially my reason for writing the list. There is a very simple story. My dad gave me Catcher in the Rye when I was seven. SEVEN. I almost got kicked out of National Wildlife Camp for reading it to my bunkmates. I didn't get it. I understood the story. I knew what happened, chapter to chapter. But I didn't get it. Then when I read it at 16, there were no surprises. The emotional core was there and I was ready to laugh and cry and howl at the moon with Holden, but it just didn't happen. I knew the story already, so no matter how fragile or angsty I was, it didn't have a chance to resonate. Now when I read it, I'm just bitter, frankly. Bitter that I never got to share in what basically everyone my age swears is a life-changing experience. Sorry America!

Top 9 Reasons People Make Lists

9. Snark.
After all, lists have done wonders for the grocery industry.

8. Reference-makin' and name-droppin'.
As Susan Orlean put it in The Orchid Thief: "There are too many ideas and things and people. Too many directions to go. I was starting to believe the reason it matters to care passionately about something, is that it whittles the world down to a more manageable size."

7. Posterity.
Because after having an extremely engrossing conversation about the best movies to star or feature Treat Williams, you kinda want a format to summarize your thoughts in. (PS: The answer is Deep Rising.)

6. Informational precision.
Print, though not yet dead (as posited by Egon Spengler in Ghostbusters--which Rob, by the way, has yet to see in its entirety... a far greater crime, in my estimation, that my omission of Merkin Muffley from this list), is a cognitively taxing form of media. Mired in a rising swamp of terrorist threats, celebrity gossip, and a floundering economy, humans require information in increasingly bite-sized form. Bullet-points are an excellent way to navigate this globally-pervasive attention-defecit. In the future, one might predict that actual bullets will actually be used, with tiny, tiny engraved writing on them to convey messages. Like in Wanted!

5. Soapbox!
Lists provide the list-maker with a perfect forum for friend-pimping. Just yesteday, a good friend of mine, Rami Raff, was kind enough to write a very complimentary post linking to this site. Well, sir, no good pimp goes unpunished. If you're looking for a film site that gives you honest, witty reviews and musings on both blockbusters and arthouse darlings, you owe it to yourself to check out The Sickness' Cinema. The guy has a unique voice--he can do an acerbic thing, he can do a fanboy thing, he can do a touching thing--and it all stems from a genuine love of film. And that's something I respect. CHECK IT OUT, AMERICA.

4. Tradition.
Some of history's most time-honored documents are in list form. The Ten Commandments, The Magna Carta, and Schindler's List. Also, it is rumored that The Great Gatsby was originally conceived as a list entitled The Top Ten Ways In Which My Own Life Informs the Concept of 'The American Dream'.

3. Order.
Much to the chagrin of anarcho-punk bands everywhere, order is a human impulse. We did, after all, invent Pick-up Sticks... the game also known as Clean Up That Mess!

2. Frivolity.
It's more than just a will to combat entropy, though. It's the will to create it, too--in the form of debate. Making a list of opinions and letting people read them is basically sending out an open letter that says, "Hey! I dare you to disagree with me! If and when you do, let's throw down!" It goes without saying that intellectual debate is the cornerstone of so many human achievements... from the city of Athens to the U.S. Constitution to the United Nations. But brother, this is the internet. We don't need no stinking intellect. This is the land of uncited sources on Wikipedia, trolling and flamewars on countless message boards and forums--this is no place for intellectual debate. This is a place for frivolous debate! Give me the Worst 16 Haircuts Ever Invented, the 8 Least Intimidating Animals, for the 23 Greatest Films Featuring a Ragtag Group of Kids/Adolescents! Somewhere, Al Gore is gazing upon the internet and thinking, "Now I am become Diversion, distractor of worlds."

1. Comments!
NINJA EDIT! Yeah, I put this one in late on Rob's recommendation. PEOPLE. We wanna hear from you. We want to hear if you think we're doing a good job, we want to hear if you think we're doing a bad job... if you have an idea for a list, let us know; if you think we make too many 90s references, let us know; if you think Rob is blowing this whole Merkin Muffley thing out of proportion, DUDE, I know. Talk back, dear readers, talk back.

Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things Dot Blogspot Dot Com

Some things that may be eventually found in list format on this site:
1. things that deserve lists
2. things that do not deserve lists
3. things for which there is no objective consensus on whether or not they deserve lists
4. meta-lists of lists we have made or have yet to make
5. our favorite movies out of all the movies that are named High Fidelity