Top 17 Things I Texted Rob While Watching "The Dark Knight" Tonight

Hi, all. Hi, dears. Hi, friends of the blog.

On Sunday nights, I like to kick back and relax while watching a fine, fine film. This tradition is known in Hell's Kitchen as "Sunday Night Movie", or SNM for short. (IT SOUNDS LIKE S&M, WHAAAAT!?!) Anyways, tonight, Caitlin and I were all, "Oh, hey, The Dark Knight... haven't watched you since, um, ever." AND WATCH IT WE DID!

But for me, watching a movie is a multimedia experience. As in, I was texting Rob the whole time. About a movie we've both seen. A lot.

1. 10:01pm

"Watching Dark Knight. Forgot how baller this movie is."

2. 10:09pm

"'D-did yer balls drop off!?' ...brilliant."

3. 10:33pm

"You have been cast as Commissioner Gordon in The Dark Knight."

4. 10:57pm

"Oh hi I am The Dark Knight I am so fuckin good."

5. 10:58pm

"I am the Batman!"

6. 11:05pm

"Oh shit you are not dead, you just arrested The Joker (cast as Jordy)..."

7. 11:09pm

"Dude the good cop bad cop shit is not gonna work on Jordy!!!"

8. 11:14pm

"Morgan Freeman (as played by Caitlin) is gonna hook me up with some sonar shit."

9. 11:16pm

"Jordy is wearing waaaaay too much makeup."

10. 11:20pm

"Oh fuuuuuck there goes half your face Aaron Eckhart! You didn't need it, to be fair... All you need is that chin dimple, the source of all your power."

11. 11:22pm

"Whoops Rachel (Dawes slash Leopold) is dead... Bad info! (I originally typed 'bad indo', lol...)"

12. 11:35pm

"Hospital fail!!!"

13. 11:43pm

"OMJerz don't blow up the (two) Staten Island Ferry(s)!"

14. 11:53pm

"Why does this movie keep being the best ever!?!"

15. 12:00am

"Rob, you thought we could be decent men in an indecent time! WRONG, BRO!"

16. 12:05am

"Not Deniro we deserved, but Deniro we needed... (Caitlin made that joke.)"

17. 12:07am

"Oh! The Dark Knight! THAT's the name of the show!"

Top 2 Boys Who Are All Grown Up Today!

2. Rob Trump
Today is the day that Rob Trump graduates from Columbia College and enters the exciting-slash-crippling phase of real life they call "Real Life"! (If I were in his shoes right now, I'd probably go off and watch Kicking and Screaming a whole bunch. Also, if I were in his shoes right now, THOSE WOULD BE SOME CROWDED SHOES, HUH ROB!?)

Anyway, in honor of the man/the day/the moment, here is a brief history of Rob:

198? - Rob is born.
1989 - Rob learns to rant.
1991 - Rob makes his first million.
Later in 1991 - Rob loses his first million in a risky "exciting opportunity" investment.
1993 - Rob is drafted by the San Diego Chargers.
Later that day in 1993 - Rob refuses to play for the San Diego Chargers, his rights are traded to the New York Giants for two first round draft picks, a third rounder, and a fifth rounder in 1994.
1994 - Rob sweeps the Latin Grammys.
1997 - Rob publishes his first memoir, A BRIEF HISTORY OF PAIN.
1999 - Rob dies.
The next day, 1999 - Rob is buried.
The day after that, 1999 - On the third day, Rob rose again, in fulfillment of predictions made in his first memoir, A BRIEF HISTORY OF PAIN.
2000-2006 - Rob wanders the earth in search of one that is pure of heart.
2007 - Rob attends Space Camp, is granted his release from the New York Giants, and admits to using performance enhancing drugs. His Latin Grammys are forfeited.
2008 - Rob co-founds Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things.
2009 - Rob wins?!

1. My Dad
It's my Dad's birthday! Happy Birthday, Dad! This is the only time when it is okay for the Yankees to sweep the Twins. Also, congrats on beating surgery! Surgery came a-callin' and was all, "Hey Peter's Dad, I'm here to ruin your day." But my dad is too cool for that; he just goes, "LET IT BEGIN!" and then lightning crashed and everything. True story.

Here is a brief list of Medals of Excellence that my father has won:

1951 - Presidential Medal of Fitness Excellence
1957 - Town of Tonawanda All-Around Swell Guy Medal of Excellence
1964 - Our Lady of Czestochowa's Annual Pierogi Bake Medal of Piety (and Excellence)
1968 - The Students for a Democratic Society's Pancho Villa Memorial Medal of Excellence
1969 - The Beard Club of America's Medal of Barbaric Excellence
1972 - Medal of Honorary Excellence, presented by The Paratrooping English Professors' Brigade
1979 - The Ford Pinto Survival Club's Medal of Excellence
1982 - Medal of Fervor, presented by the National Congress of Poetic Ballplayers and Ballplaying Poets
1985 - Medal of Consistent Excellence, presented upon the birth of his fifth son by the National Society for the Protection and Promotion of Men
1989 - United Nations Medal of Diplomatic Excellence, presented upon his single-handed unification of Germany
1993 - The Western New York Mothers Against Youth Curveballs' Medal of Excellent Reticence
1995 - Snazzy Prof Mag's Annual Medal of Earring Excellence
1998 - The National Fiction Council's Medal of Excellence for Lifetime Achievement in Fiction and/or Story-Telling, presented following a month-long ruse regarding a pair of gold corncob holders I was supposed to receive for my birthday
2000 - The National Sawdust Council's Medal of Excellence for Lifetime Achievement in Pounds of Sawdust Produced
2003 - Rutherford B. Hayes Lookalike Club Medal of Excellence
2006 - Medal of Most Valuable Excellence, Buffalo Old Guy Hockey League
2009 - Medal of Total Friggin' Excellence, presented by Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things, for telling his class to visit our site.

Top 8 Short Plays I Wrote Because I Want To Be Like Rob

Hey, so recently, Rob posted a list of short plays he wrote about important social issues. Well, I read it and was inspired (read: jealous), so I gave it a try of my own (read: will never be Rob). Pretty cool, right!?

8. "Infinity"

Stephen Hawking spins his wheelchair in place.

Stephen Hawking: Time lasts along time lasts along time lasts along time lasts along time lasts along time...

Continue until time is done lasting a long time is done lasting a long time is done lasting a long time...

7. "Human Cloning"

A Republican senator accidentally trips into the Human Cloning machine. A duplicate Republican senator appears.

Both Republican Senators: I suddenly feel compelled to change my position on gay marriage!!!

They embrace and the world explodes. Its flaming shards spin backwards through time. A single drop of water (a tear?) falls from Heaven.

6. "Net Neutrality"

Wikipedia founder Jimbo Wales enters, in a flowing cape and flowing wig.

Jimbo Wales: REEEEEEDAAAAAAAACTEEEEEEEED!

Jimbo Wales is devoured by a dinosaur.

5. "What Really Matters"

A man and a woman are in the midst of a heated argument.

Man: Sweet!

Woman: Salty!

Man: SWEET!

Woman: SALTY!

Dennis McIssues: (enters) Guys, guys, come on... peace in the Middle East.

The man and the woman knock out Dennis McIssues and enjoy a bag of Sweet n' Salty Chex Mix together.

4. "An Artist's Voice"

In front of a closed curtain, a woman dressed in black and wearing a beret writes feverishly in her notebook. She slams the notebook shut and pumps her fist.

The Artist: THIS is a truly original idea! I have found my place!

The curtain rises, revealing one million other artists, frozen in the same position. All break freeze and begin consuming each other to the sound of Train's "Calling All Angels".

3. "The Coming Technological Singularity"

All the robots in the world make love until they give birth to the new age.

2. "Steroids"

Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, and all those other bastards enter. They all have huge breasts under their baseball uniforms.

All: WE WON THE WORLD SERIES!

Barry Bonds: ...of having breasts!

Musical number: "There IS Crying in Baseball".

1. "The War on Drugs"

Two teens sit on a park bench. One smokes a joint, the other bounces a basketball.

Joint Teen: I am high on drugs!

Basketball Teen: I am high on life!

A DEA agent enters and shoots both teens.

DEA Agent: I am high on death!

Curtain.

Top 15 Lists Rob Has Written for "Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things" in 2008

SELF-REFLEXIVE LIST!!! (Or, rather, Rob-reflexive, I suppose.)

Rob and I make no bones about the fact that we dig each other's moves/style/general "je ne sais quoi". 'Bout time we quantified it, eh?!

15. Top 7 Reasons Not to Vote
This brings me joy because in my little heart of hearts, I like to think that maybe some dumb people read this and decided not to vote.

14. Top 14 Tramps and Whether or Not They Are Like Us
This brings me joy because it is the second hobo-focused post on our site, it trashes prog-rock, and it contains the sentences, "The official way to generate nicknames for us tramps is by using your home state as your first name. Take it from us, Minnesota Trump and New York Mende-Siedlecki."

13. Top 18 Micronations
This brings me joy because I can easily imagine the gleeful smile on Rob's face that resulted from Wikipedia-ing "micronations". (Also, he makes a sweet Sidd Finch reference and kicks libertarians in the pants a few times!)

12. Top 6 Screenplays I Wish I Had Written
This brings me joy because it reminds me that Rob is still sore over the Merkin Muffley exclusion, but more importantly, because it reminds me that my co-list-blogger has excellent taste.

11. Top 5 Reasons Why We Are Not Currently Winning Any Blogger's Choice Awards
This brings me joy because it shows Rob's berserker-rage hatred of cystic fibrosis and the people who blog about it. Also, he makes reference to a fictional rash that I had.

10. 7 Graphs Against "Amount of Pages I Have Written"
This brings me joy because this list gave us our single-day high for page views. Thanks finals, Google Analytics, and Rob Trump!

9. Top 11 Birthdays Today, August 12th
This brings me joy because it is ineffably sweet. Okay, the sweetness of this list is actually pretty effable. Okay, this got weird.

8. The 15 Minnesota-est Songs, on a Minnesota Music Mix I Made
This brings me joy because Rob Trump is the kind of dedicated list-bloodhound who a) makes a sweet Minnesota Music Mix, b) tracks down all the songs, c) puts the mix on Megaupload, d) writes so goddamn well about it, and finally, e) chooses to end the mix with Morris Day and the mothafuckin' Time!

7. Top 8 Children Who Were Left Behind
This brings me joy because Rob makes the greatest pun about his butt in this list, and also he drops a train on Corey Hart.

6. Top 14 State Capitals That You Have Uselessly Memorized
This brings me joy because Rob is a master of running joke-progressions on so many levels simultaneously. Also, this list is entirely composed of truth.

5. Top 25 Meatbones
This brings me joy because it proves that Rob Trump follows through, like a genius knight of the first rank.

4. Top 31 Things that Peter and I Go Together Like
This brings me joy because it's (half) about me and it's (easily) the gayest thing on our site. AND I MEAN THAT IN THE BEST GOOD WAY.

3. Top 7 Worst Examples of Modern Satire
This brings me joy because there is nothing like a Trump Rant to sufficiently dress down a piece of pop culture. When a smart person is angry, I like to make popcorn and watch. This quote is classic Trump (and it has more libertarian jabs!!!): "Look, South Park makes me laugh. Sometimes. But it isn't an eye of sanity trained on the ridiculousness of our lives. It's a poop joke with impersonations of politicians thrown in. And its creators are loony libertarians."

2. Top 9 Funniest Wikipedia Pages to Replace With a Blank Page and a Picture of a Gorilla Giving You the Middle Finger
This brings me joy because Rob is a master of the absurd.

1. Top 24 Ways to Tell that You Do Not Belong in Mensa
This brings me joy because it is honestly the funniest goddamn list on our site.