Devoted reader of this blog that you are, you certainly remember a few days ago when I implored you to vote for the awards that we so clearly deserve, especially that golden prize above all others, the "Hottest Daddy Blogger" award. (Note: you are going to need to read that entry to understand some of the rest of this.) Here is an update: we are not winning.
Seriously, we have three votes, and I'm pretty sure that two of them are from Peter and me. SO, what is the deal? This is obviously the best blog you have ever read, you peon, and we deserve awards accordingly. Well, some things are going wrong:
5. We are not giving out enough sexual favors
Some jerk calling himself "Ed Unloaded" is the current leader in the "Hottest Daddy Blogger" category. And according to an investigative report that I just made up: he's only winning because Ed unloaded on thousands of his adoring fans in exchange for their vote. That was disgusting, I'm sorry, but I had to report on it because it's true. (Note: it's not.) Anyway, like Ed, I will now perform sexual favors for anyone who votes for us. (Note: I will probably make Peter do it if you are fat.)
4. The difficulty of signing up is deterring people
The only people who read this blog, I'm pretty sure, are friends of ours who are lazy and bored at work. Lazy people, then, click on the links, realize that they have to go through the arduous process of signing up and RECEIVING A DAMN E-MAIL from the stupid website before they can cast their vote. Basically, what I'm saying here is that the Blogger's Choice Awards are prejudiced against our key demographic of lazy people slacking off their work. This is bigoted, and I demand some sort of institutional correction or compensation. GEORGE BUSH DOESN'T CARE ABOUT LAZY PEOPLE.
3. Cystic fibrosis
2. Not enough people read this
Of course, the most obvious answer is that the best blog ever isn't getting enough votes because not enough people know that it's the best. I am taking steps to correct this, including posting my most recent (and incendiary) list to last.fm, which I hope will make lots of people predisposed to hate us come here, and then maybe ironically vote for us to win since they hate us so much now? Okay, I'll be honest, I didn't really think this one through all the way.
However, let me take this opportunity to plug the website last.fm, where you get an account that keeps track of all the music you listen to, and makes you weekly charts and such to track what artists you've been listening to most over the last week, few months, year, etc. It's ideal for people who feel the need to compartmentalize everything in life into lists, which clearly both Peter is (that is a link to Peter's profile, yeah that's right I'm just giving it out without permission) and I am (that is a link to my profile, which I don't need permission to give out because it is mine).
ALSO, Peter, I encourage you to post your most recent list to last.fm (in the journal section), and since that one is awesome and positive about music, it might actually make people come here who will love us and vote for us (this one makes more logical sense than the one before). ALSO, Peter, I love that we can talk to each other over our blog, and make a bunch of other people read what is just a personal message to you. ALSO, Peter, my rash hasn't really gotten any worse, has yours?
1. You are a jerk
Yes, that's right, most of the reason that we're not winning is because of you. It is your stupid fault and everything about you that makes us not winning. I hate you. I can't believe that you won't just take a few minutes out of your day, head over to the Blogger's Choice Awards, and cast a few votes for this wonderful light of a blog in your dark, dark life. Don't you ever give back to anything? All you do is take, take, take. Well, if you have a minute of good will in your cold, dark heart, sign up on the site and vote for us in all four categories, but mostly that last one, which is Hottest Daddy Blogger and the award we want most of all.
You have been a leech, reading us without loving us publicly, or promoting us, or even commenting on us, for too long. It's time to give back.