Top 11 Birthdays Today, August 12th

11. Peter Krause

Hey, it's Peter Krause's 43rd birthday today! And he's from Minnesota! (Note: Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things unapologetically declares Minnesota the best state in the union.) I'm going to go ahead and admit that I haven't seen him in a lot of stuff, basically just the Six Feet Under pilot, which I thought was pretty great. Actually, that reminds me, I want to borrow the first season of that and watch it. Thanks, Peter Krause, your birthday reminded me to do something as well as reminding you that yo' gettin' old!

(a few minutes of imdb-ing later)

OH MY GOD THIS WAS THE GUY IN THE SEINFELD EPISODE "THE LIMO." I LOVE HIM SO HARD NOW!

10. Takanohana Koji

Takanohana Koji is the Japanese sumo wrestler pictured above, and was the 65th wrestler to reach the rank of yokozuna. According to Wikipedia, "He had a solid but aggressive style, looking to get a right hand grip on his opponents' mawashi and move them quickly out of the ring." Haha, Takanohana! How come whenever I try to grab my opponents' mawashi, I end up with a restraining order???? Okay I don't know what mawashi means. Happy birthday, big man!

(a few minutes of imdb-ing later)

This guy was not in any episodes of Seinfeld. What a pain in the mawashi.

9. The Shoe Bomber

Another year with America at #1. How does it feel, shoe bomber? What's that, shoe bomber? How do I know that America is #1? Becuase I just signed up for a website and selected my country from a drop-down window. And we're #1. Alphabetically. Right before "Afghanistan," motherfucker.

8. Jacques Tits

Hahahahaha tits. Also, the tits group is named after him. You can't make this shit up, people.

7. Sir Mix-a-Lot

Thank you, Sir Mix-a-Lot, for providing thousands of white teenagers with a way to be almost criminally unfunny on the way to devaluing the Grammy awards by winning "Best Solo Rap performance." This is 1992, the SAME YEAR AS Dr. Dre's The Chronic, which was both incredibly successful and one of the best hip-hop albums of all time. There is truly no justice in the world. I hope you die on your birthday, Sir Mix-a-Lot. Just kidding. I hope you actually died yesterday, and I haven't found out yet.

6. Casey Affleck

Good job, Casey Affleck! You've successfully completed another year as a hanger-on! I hope that Ben doesn't forget to wish you a happy birthday. The more I think about that the more it sounds plausible and sad. Especially because you know that Casey prepares for Ben's birthday weeks in advance and rents out entire arcardes and stuff (Ben loves the games where you are like on the skis and it seems like you are actually skiing but it is just an arcade game.) Oh, you graduated from Columbia. Good for you.

5. Cecil B. DeMille

Happy 137th, birthday, Cecil! Pretty cool how God granted you immortality for The Ten Commandments, wasn't it?

(a few minutes of imdb-ing later)

Oh my God, he was "Impossibly Old Guy #3" in the Seinfeld episode "The Old Man"! The one who falls on his mawashi!

4. Pete Sampras

Pete Sampras was pretty great at tennis. Sometimes I like to pretend that the Sampras-Agassi rivalry extended into their personal lives, and they were also fighting for the love and hand of tennis princess Steffi Graf throughout their careers. Then, Sampras won the 2001 U.S. Open, which was clearly the final battle for her love, but in a third-act twist, we find out that it was never about the sports and Graf's heart had belonged to Agassi the entire time. Sampras sulked off sadly and married an actress from Adam Sandler's golden age.

3. Mark Knopfler

Mark Knopfler is the frontman and guitarist for the band Dire Straits. In the words of Douglas Adams: "Mark Knopfler has an extraordinary ability to make a Schecter Custom Stratocaster hoot and sing like angels on a Saturday night, exhausted from being good all week and needing a stiff beer." But he's not only connected to pretty awesome and pretty nerdy authors, he's also connected to really awesome and really nerdy authors. And man, "Romeo and Juliet" in Empire Records is one of the best uses of a pop song ever in a movie.

2. Rachel Leopold

Happy birthday, Rachel! A Google search for your name will now return a profanity-laden and infantile website of lists. That is my true birthday present to you. Also, sorry you aren't number one, but...

1. Michael Ian Black

Michael Ian Black is a very famous celebrity. You, Rachel, are not. Also, he recently accepted my Facebook friend request, which made me very happy. You, Rachel, are also my Facebook friend, but that's been true for a while and therefore less interesting. Michael Ian Black has also released a very solid album of stand-up comedy, was a member of The State (one of the best sketch groups of the last twenty years or so), and created another very funny group along with a funny but ratings-challenged show (Stella) with two other State members. Also, he was in Wet Hot American Summer, which is awesome. You were in that movie, too, Rachel, but you had a very small part. Oh, and if that all not enough, he recently challenged Tucker Max to a fistfight, which I hope beyond hope that he somehow wins. All in the name of promoting his book, which you should now buy.