Oh my gosh, you guys! Google Trends is the best thing of all time. Better than the suicide squeeze, Cat's Cradle, the penalty shot, and The Departed.
Pick two things! See which is better, according to Google! Solve century-long arguments! YEAH! Graphs and commentary below each pairing!
17. Cleveland vs. Buffalo
(Buffalo in blue, Cleveland in red.)Sorry Michael Marlin, it looks like my hometown just barely edges out yours for the title of Less Sucky Great Lakes Shore City. Oh, sure, the so-called Mistake by the Lake came on strong with a surge in late 2007, but the City of No Illusions is just too earthy and industrial to stay down for long.
16. Tyrannosaurus Rex vs. A Tank
(T-Rex in blue, tank in red.)One of the kids at the end of Multiplicity asks Andie MacDowell which of these too arch-rivals would win in a fight. Looks like now we know. Of course, a more worthwhile battle would be a T-Rex PLUS a tank vs. Andie MacDowell.
15. Nessie vs. Bigfoot
(Nessie in red, Bigfoot in blue.)DUDES, what is this Bigfoot spike in August of 2008. Did they find Bigfoot? Somebody tell me! What do the internets know that I don't!
14. Bros vs. Hoes
(Bros in blue, hoes in red.)
This doesn't really prove that Bros come before Hoes ordinally or chronologically, but they certainly do trump them as far as internet popularity.
13. Chicks vs. Dicks
(Dicks in red, chicks in blue.)Now, see, if you're gonna bite our credo, at least live up to it, ladies. Don't worry, it's a small margin, y'all can catch up. PS, what is with these incredibly robust "dick" surges in December. The holidays sure are lonely for some folks.
12. The Beatles vs. Jesus
(Jesus in blue, The Beatles in red.)
Sorry, John. Two of you were martyred, but only one rose from the dead. You may be the Walrus, but he's our Lord and Savior. Or, I mean, he might be. He could just have been a prophet. Or a nice guy who handed out food and had good things to say about lepers. THE CHOICES ARE YOURS AND YOURS ALONE.
11. Bears vs. Stephen Colbert
(Bears in blue, Stephen Colbert in red)
Oh... oh, no. Oh, no, Mr. Colbert. It seems that you are not doing enough to get the word out that bears are the number one threat to America. By the way, not only were you trounced by bears, but you probably don't want to see the results of Stephen Colbert vs. Jon Stewart.
10. Burn out vs. Fade away
(Burn out in blue, fade away in red.)Neil Young's timeless question is finally answered.
9. Bacon vs. Jews
(Bacon in blue, Jews in red.)Despite a crazy-high Jewish spike in November-December of 2004, bacon squeaks out a win against its arch-rival, the Jewish faith. Also, a while ago, a guy told me about an alarm clock that can MAKE bacon. If you guys get on an alarm clock that can read the Torah, MAYBE I'll convert!
8. Michael Phelps vs. Shark
(Michael Phelps in red, sharks in blue.)After I commented in my post on Olympic sports that should be banned that throwing a barracuda in the 100m Fly wouldn't improve the sport, I got to thinking... "Sure, it wouldn't improve things, but how would Michael Phelps fare against a blood-thirsty, icthyian predator?" Not too well, apparently... prior to the 8 golds, at least.
7. Millard Fillmore vs. Rutherford B. Hayes
(Fillmore in blue, Hayes in red.)H'okay. So, I've been having a little debate with Lakshmi about these two guys. A cursory look at the data would suggest that my guy, Millard Fillmore, is the horse to bet on. Yes, Rutherford B. Hayes had a hot wife named Lemonade Lucy. Yes, the Ruth was the first prez to have a typewriter installed in the White House. Yes, my friends in high school called my dad Rutherford because he bore a certain presidential resemblance. However, Google Trends shows Millard Fillmore coming out on top. HOW-EVAH. The number one featured article that it lists reads, and I quote, "Is Millard Fillmore the country's least remembered president?" Yeah, I get it. You win, babe.
6. Love vs. Sex
(Love in blue, sex in red.)Well, what'd you expect. Other than list-blogs and the greatest website ever, Qwantz.com, that's pretty much all there is on the internet. A few notes, however... checking the comparisons by region, it would appear that India has WAY to much sex on its national mind; also, to all the good folks in Makati, the Phillipines... we salute you for preferring love to sex! You too, Tagalog speakers. (Not so much for you, Poles.) Also, here's a wonderful headline... Wolves trade Mayo to Memphis for Love. Forget about OJ Mayo and Kevin Love, even though they may be two of the best players to come out of this year's NBA draft (please please please, Kevin Love, resurrect my Minnesota Timberwolves, and in turn, my love of basketball). Reconsider that sentence... Wolves trade mayo to Memphis for love. HAHAHA! Condiments for emotions! That is wacky!
5. Life vs. Death
(Life in blue, death in red.)Way to go, Life! You're still the better option, according to Google.
4. To Be vs. Not To Be
(To Be in blue, Not To Be in red.)
If Hamlet had had Google, that shit would have been settled without a lengthy, overrated soliloquy. JK JK JKROWLING BILL SHAKES I LUV U!
3. Rob vs. Peter
(Peter in red, Rob in blue.)Hah! Eat it, Trump. Here's the thing, though... when notified of the defeat, Rob immediately directed me to a Google Trends search for Robert vs. Peter and his appellation was the winner by a hair. So... y'know... inconclusive.
2. Baseball vs. Cuddling
(Baseball in blue, cuddling in red.)Oh, snap! Cuddling barely registers! Whatever, I think cuddling is cool. Maybe not as cool as America's pastime, but, no big deal. Check out the ridiculously regular pattern for baseball. That little bump in December, that June-July peak, the obvious World Series spike in October... way to be consistent, beisbol!
1. Sandwich vs. Soup
(Soup in red, sandwich in blue.)Frankly, I like sandwiches more, but, fine. What amazes me is the seasonal soup popularity fluctuation! I mean, I guess soup is more popular in the winter, but... wow, that is a significant effect! Also, according to the city-by-city data, Minneapolis is Souptown, USA! Ah, to be a Minnesotan soup-merchant in winter. PS: Soup is popular when baseball isn't! Conspiracy? CONSPIRACY! THE ALCS WAS AN INSIDE JOB! DEMAND THE TRUTH FROM CAMPBELL'S!