List co-written by Rob and Peter, obvs.
16. Beijing Games Lift US Spirits, Shatter Office Productivity
15. Romanian Gymnast Regrets Decision to 'Just Wing It' on Floor Exercise
14. Phelps Vows To Drink Every Pool He Medals In
13. Batman Takes Gold in Pommel Horse
Coach: "He was both the hero we need and the hero we deserve."
12. German 100M Gold Medalist Admits to Being a Car
"Though I make no apologies for my top-of-the-line power steering or my standard four-wheel drive, I cannot in good conscience accept this medal," said the Audi A8 in a press conference yesterday.
11. Steeplechase Winner: "What the Fuck was That?"
10. Rifle Shooting Targets Look Suspiciously Like Dissidents
9. Judges Too Embarrassed to Resolve China/Japan Relay Tie
8. Chinese Gymnast Demands Do-over, Pony
7. Italian Judge Just Thinks Everyone Is About a 6.5
6. Heavy Smog Results in 8-Sprinter Pileup
5. Nastia Luikin: "Please Stop Calling Me Nasty Lookin'"
4. Russian Genocide Team Wins Gold, Georgia Finishes 4th
3. British Archer Arrested for Robbing Rich, Giving to Poor
The Onion RAN THIS ONE the next day. They are wiretapping us and stealing our jokes!!!
2. Wrestling Champion Thanks "Coach, Drugs, and Wait No Not Drugs"
1. Previously Unknown Country Comes Out of Nowhere to Win Entire Olympics