I'm not saying that anybody has used these phrases to describe me. I'm just saying it would be unfortunate if anyone were to do such a thing. Not in a fist-shaking, "Ooooh, you're gonna regret this, Shifty McCoy" sort of way... because I generally don't ascribe much malice to other people's attributions of me. ('Cuz I'm a neat guy, ya know?) More in a head-shaking, "Ooooh, that's gonna break the skin" sort of way.
And, yeah, to be fair... I might have made some of these things up. But it's, like, all story, right, man? Like, my narrative and your narrative can go behind the bushes and screw, and then we've practically got capital-h History.
Note: You will notice that this list does not comprise two-word phrases that would totally ruin the life of the intended listener. Stuff like "festering waste" or "dessicated shell". This is because we here at Peter and Rob Make Lists of Things don't want to arm the populace with word bombs, just the facts. And the fact is that while you probably wouldn't want to be called #'s 3, 5, or 9... you could live through it, get a job and a gal whose not too big or sweaty, and retire at 52 in Providence, Rhode Island. You'd fish for the rest of your days and on Sundays, there'd be lobster. Oh, hell... in your quiet moments, you'd think of that time that guy called you that thing, but you'd be alive and kicking. In Providence. Rhode Island.
9. "Vaguely sexual"
This is what people call you if you're that guy in the office who just sort of lurks around and stares. Maybe you're trying to remember what your company email password is, maybe your staring at your coworkers' breasts. No one knows and no one wants to ask. You are threatening, but in a very amorphous way, like a jelly-fish. People will probably still swim while you are around, but when you do something terrible or awkward or terribly awkward to them, everyone will think, "Well, duh... he was a jellyfish, after all."
8. "Early Bowie"
I'm talking pre-Aladdin Sane, pre-Ziggy, pre-Major Tom, pre-Man Who Sold The World. That kinda shtick was classic Bowie and I am all for that. I mean, pssht, the guy practically invented re-invention. But the early years? Eeeyikes... might wanna hide that high school year book, David.
Or should I say... Davey? That's right, folks... this mid 60's Bowie, the guy who ran around London changing his name and his band's line-up every other week. Davie Jones? Dave Jones? Davy Jones? Dave Jomes? Dame Jonas? Okay, fine, a lot of those are just misspellings. But c'mon, the King Bees? The Konrads? The Manish Boys? These sound like bands that don't even show up in Christopher Guest movies--they'd just get mentioned in photo-montages!!! Seerz, if anyone calls you Early Bowie, they mean you change your name and persona at the drop of the hat, which is way less cool than Classic Bowie, who... um... did the same thing... but for more money.
7. "Wanton cannibal"
This means you eat people and that you probably take great pleasure in it. Seek help or alternative sources of food.
6. "Occasionally prickish"
Attention! You have a non-random, but unpredictable tendency to be a real doucher! Deal with it, guy or lady... your superiors have been made aware.
5. "Burnt goathead"
If someone calls you a burnt goathead, you are probably a goat and your head was recently on fire. Perhaps you are some sort of man-goat or were-goat, but I won't go into those possibilities too deeply as they are ridiculous. You may have misheard the speaker, however--they might have said "burnt goatherd", in which case you aren't much better off.
They also might have said "Burt Goathead"... in which case that is your name and someone is asking for your attention or assistance. Go to them.
4. "Basically fat"
You are the elemental form of fat, that is to say, you are one of a vast number of compounds generally soluble in organic solvents and largely insoluble in water. You are most likely a triester of glycerol and fatty acids, and you are either a solid or a liquid at room temperature, depending on your structure and composition. Way to go!
3. "Jangly, angular"
This two-word phrase only applies to the guitar lines from mid- to late-90s indie rock songs, specifically, but not limited to the works of Built to Spill, Modest Mouse, and occasionally Pavement.
2. "Violently Canadian"
You like, drive a zamboni down to the Mountie Store and buy aboot twenty shopping carts full of maple syrup and moose antlers, dontcha now, hoser? I bet ya do, eh? And I bet your violent, because of all that hockey and curling, eh? Right? And, um, you're lazy, too! When you're not on murderous rampages of the native peoples. And you fit too many people into cars and houses. And you eat potatoes and watermelons! Man, you disgust me, eh?
1. "Not alive"
Someone is trying to tell you that you are dead. Act accordingly. If you fail to, you will most likely be referred to as "a ghost" or "a zombie". These are great things to be--have an awesome afterlife!