Monday, August 18, 2008

Top 12 Unbroadcasted E! or AMC-Type Countdown Shows

12. Top 28 Films Loosely Based on Dr. Seuss Books
Hosted by Madeline Albright.
Number One Film: Jaws 2, loosely based on Seuss' One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.

11. Top 34 Lego Bridge Collapses
Hosted by Rider Strong.
Number One Bridge Collapse: A 1:20 scale version of the Tacoma Narrows, constructed entirely of translucent Lego bricks. One Lego Robin Hood figure was crushed in the collapse.

10. Top 18 Minnesotan Celebrities
Hosted by Garrison Keillor.
Number One Minnesotan: Garrison Keillor.

9. Top 12 Almost No-Hitters
Hosted by Goldberg from The Mighty Ducks.
Number One Almost No-Hitter: Kenny Thermos, Washington Senators. Though Thermos never actually threw a pitch on May 17, 1938 in a game against the Detroit Tigers (he had been hospitalized the previous night with a bout of the croup), most experts and sabermatricians agree that he would have pitched the greatest game ever.

8. Top 25 Secretly Retarded Actors
Hosted by Meryl Streep.
Number One Actor: Matt Dillon. Just thinking about his bizarrely contorted delivery of "Gotta do it for, Johnny, man!" in The Outsiders really hammers it home. I think he does fine work, all things considered.

7. Top 27 Historical Muckrakers
Hosted by Jacob Riis Jr.
Number One Muckraker: Ida Tarbell. Jacob Riis Jr. secretly hates his father.

6. Top 14 Would-Be Hitler Assassins
Hosted by Corey Haim and Corey Feldman.
Number One Would-Be Assassin: Janosz Kemmler. Though Kemmler never actually threw his grenade at Hitler's motorcade on May 17, 1938 during a parade through the streets of Wiemar (he had died the previous night after a lengthy bout with the croup), most experts and sabermatricians agree that it would have been the best assassination ever.

5. Top 49 Facebook Invites
Hosted by Lily Tomlin.
Number One Invite: "DUDEZ, I KNO THIS IS LAME BUT INEED YO NUMBAHS", 2006. After a night of heavy drinking and at least one trip to local karaoke bar Shout It Out, SUNY Binghampton junior Kyle Bucholz dropped his cellphone into a toilet while vomiting. Though this type of invite is now commonplace, this was the first recorded case of a party-type Facebook invitation being used as a forum to regain lost contact information. Bucholz even pioneered the technique of sending the invite to attractive female classmates whose contact information he had previously NOT possessed. Bucholz would later second-base it with sophomore Paige Nutley the following weekend as a result of this deception.

4. Top 17 Films That Never Were
Hosted by Steve Guttenberg.
Number One Film: President Dad, 1982. Originally set to star Nick Nolte as a hard-working, suburban single dad who is forced (by a technicality!) to run for president on the Democratic ticket. He settles a decade-old feud with his next-door neighbor (Craig T. Nelson) by nominating him for VP but causes a scandal when he asks the Republican nominee's wife (Glenn Close) out on a date! Director Mike Nichols had a panic attack when he realized there was no way in hell that his film bore any resemblance to things that could actually happen.

3. Top 36 Vanished Civilizations
Hosted by Casey Affleck.
Number One Civilization: America. Casey Affleck has a blood-grudge against America, ever since America decided to stop liking his brother. It is a blood-grudge not unlike his brooding (and EXCELLENT, Rob...) performances in Gone Baby Gone and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. At the end of this countdown, Mr. Affleck had planned to vanish America in a whirlwind, kind of like at the end of One Hundred Years of Solitude.

2. Top 15 Dogs That Changed the World
Hosted by Parker Posey.
Number One Dog: Future-Benji. Future-Benji is a robot pup built in conjunction by Dreamworks and Lockheed-Martin. In 2021, at the height the Human Vs. Dogs War (subtitled Man's Best Enemy), Future-Benji infiltrated the Dog Capital of New Dog City (formerly Des Moines, Iowa), assassinated Pogo--a German Shepherd five-star general--and broke into President Woofington's chambers. After a 12-day standoff, Future-Benji and President Woofington emerged peacefully and a peace treaty was signed. Human and canine once again lived in harmony.

1. Top 50 Fictional Aliens Who Were Total Assholes
Hosted by Peter Coyote.
Number One Asshole Alien: Brian Dennehy in Cocoon. Oh my friggin' gawd. To start with, his name is Walter. Secondly, it's Brian Dennehy. Thirdly, he's an alien who possesses the secret to eternal life. Throw all that in a cauldron and you have one-hundred percent asshole extraterrestrial. "Hi, Steve Guttenberg! You're probably do alright, living on a cool boat and such... how about I just crash land into the ocean and hire you to go pick up some alien pods. Then I can tease you with my smokin' hot alien friend and later on, I'll make you help out a bunch of old coots and codgers while they rediscover their reason for living. Eventually, I'll go away, but you'll probably be scarred for life or have to appear in a sequel." That sure sounds like the plot of a demented asshole genius from another world to me!

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