So, Barack Obama is all set to announce his vice presidential candidate... maybe as early as tonight! Yeah, yeah; it'll probably by Joe Biden or Evan Bayh. BUT WHAT IF IT WASN'T! What if Obama went way out of the box, I mean, what if he tore that friggin' box in half, gave it a swirlie, and tagged it with a nice, big, glow-in-the-dark "Don't Tread on Obama!" and nominated a REAL American hero for Vice President. Here are my picks!
17. Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple
Huge, talking stone face. Enjoys games, historical trivia, and imperiling children. Unfortunately, after the stentorian demeanor and the boundless riches, the cons abound. Seriously, if you want to talk human rights abuses, look no further than Nickelodeon game shows in the 90s. Hidden Temple, eh? Sounds like extraordinary rendition to me. The Agrocrag on Guts? More like the Bataan Death March-Up-a-Mountain. And Figure It Out? That was just a bad show.
16. Christopher Lloyd
Invented time machine. Was in childhood staples Clue, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, and Mr. Mom. Also, attended Staples High School in Westport, Connecticut, alma mater of none other than my roommate, Caitlin Shure. But most importantly, he is the comic genius responsible for this clip. I'm not sure why this amounts to a good resume for a prospective VP, but come on... Chris Lloyd. Good guy.
15. Dirk Hellhammer
Not many neuroendocrinologists have names as good as Dirk Hellhammer. In fact, not many people have names as good as Dirk Hellhammer. Just envision that on a campaign button: Obama/Hellhammer '08. Sounds like the winds of hope and change to me! (Obama/Biden '08 just ain't as snappy.) (Note: Just because I can't find a Wikipedia page for this guy doesn't mean he doesn't exist. He does! I've seen him speak! It's terrifying!)
14. Any number of fictional Obamas/Obama clones
Robo-bama, Zombama, Rock N'Rollbama... these would all be sufficient stand-ins for a vice-president that is actually a different person from Barack Obama. I mean, the guy's done so well on his own so far, why mess with a good thing?
13. Imelda Marcos
I had to do a quick Wikipedia search to see if she's still alive and apparently she is, so... good on ya, Ms. Former First Lady. Has a lot of shoes, so that should go over well with the women folk. Possible confusion with Imelda Staunton, that lady from Vera Drake, which was about abortion, so... eh... that's unfortunate.
12. Axl Rose
Not only does William Bruce Rose Jr. have the pipes to belt out hits like "Paradise City", "Welcome to the Jungle", and "Patience", he's also got the stones to take on some of the biggest names ever: Vince Neil, Bon Jovi, Tommy Hilfiger, and the Eagles of Death Metal. (Frankly, when I found out that the Eagles of Death Metal weren't a band that did thrash covers of "Desperado", etc... I was pissed too.) Stones and pipes, fellas. Not only are those excellent VP qualities, but you could do a lot worse for the title of your autobiography. "Stones and Pipes: The Axl Rose Story"... That'd look great on a dust-jacket.
11. Jack Skellington
Okay, so... question. Obviously the Mayor of Halloweentown was kind of a figurehead. Plus, Jack is technically the Pumpkin King... but was that a self-appointed position or was he part of some regal bloodline? I guess either way it doesn't look good for a potential VP--we Americans have been known to frown on monarchy. Still, though. Confident, charismatic, passionate. Sounds like Howard Dean! Hmm. In that case, maybe Jack would be best behind the scenes...
10. Pete Coors
Has that down-home, silver-bullet-blast, salt-and-pepper hair, good-looking-enough-to-forget-about-the-obvious-hereditary-alcoholism charm that people really respect in billionaires... and vice presidents? Maybe? You guys, I didn't think this concept out all the way.
9. Scottie Pippen
8-time All-Defensive First Team. 6-time NBA Champion. NBA record holder for both steals and assists by a forward. Made the name "Scottie" sound remotely masculine. Most importantly, the dude was used to being number two to a powerful black man. Despite also being a powerful black man.
8. T. Rex from Qwantz
T. Rex wants to know what the haps are--the haps of the nation, that is! He's also enthusiastic about ideas. He's friends with God (securing the religious vote), but he knows how to hang with the Devil, too--so the all-important Bad-Ass caucus won't be left out in the cold. He's friendly to tiny animals (thanks for voting for us, hippie-types!) AND plus, he's a talking dinosaur (so if kids could vote, this would be a fucking landslide). Wow. This is a solid, solid pick. I have no idea why T. Rex is only number eight!
7. Paul Rudd
Comfortable in the sidekick role. Fan of Tom Waits. Would make women everywhere forget about Hillary. If elected, he would automatically become that "politician you'd want to have a beer with", except it would ten beers and they would be followed by an adventure and possibly an arrest.
6. Martin Mull
Our second Clue veteran of the list! (Also in Mr. Mom... hmm...) Martin Mull is the kind of guy who pops up everywhere like a whack-a-mole, but instead of whacking him, you think, "Aw... hey, Martin Mull. How's life treatin' ya?" and you give him a big, ol' hug. That's the kind of single-uncle-brand pathos I demand in a veep. Then again, after all those years of slumming for Red Roof Inn, can we really trust him?
5. Mayor McCheese
Previous political experience. Tough on crime (cf. The Hamburglar). Gigantic, Javert-esque hat. Kind of disappeared during the 90s, but frankly, who didn't. Unfortunately, has a reputation for being soft-on-fast-food, which would severely undermine any of Obama's proposed children's health initiatives.
4. Tim Gunn
As a vice-president, it's imperative that you cultivate a catchphrase. Just look at Albert "I invented the Internet" Gore or Dan "I spell potato wrong" Quayle or Dick "Get the fuck out of my secret lair" Cheney. How awesome would it be if after Obama does his whole "I solemnly swear" bit at the inauguration, Tim Gunn was all, "Alright, America--let's make it work!" I would watch that TV show and that is a good enough criterion for me!
3. Bernie Taupin
This is the cat who wrote all the lyrics for Elton John. Who better to craft and shape Obama's message than the brilliant Briton behind "Your Song", "Rocket Man", "Mona Lisas and Madhatters", and, to a lesser extent, "I Think I'm Gonna Kill Myself".
2. John McCain
Prominent national political figure. More experienced. Brings a decorated war record, respected stance on campaign finance reform to the table. Will be able to guide Obama's hand on issues of foreign policy, national security. Older than Jesus' dad. (HAHAH You guys it was so easy, I'm sorry. Seriously, that joke was easier than a joke about how easy John McCain's daughter is.)
1. Billy Dee Williams
Was Lando Calrissian. Frankly, that's all I need.