I originally wanted to rank them in terms of how well these guys embodied the name Dave. Then, I realized I didn't know how to do that.
16. David H. Evans
Technically, not a real David, since he is better known as "The Edge". As in, the guitarist for U2, "The Edge". As in, what most folks say when some belligerent U2-hater poses the question, "Okay, okay, name one other person in U2!" So, Mr. Evans, you may have run from your Dave-ness, but we will still embrace you, since you had the courage to name yourself after an Anthony Hopkins film that basically starred a bear.
15. David Coverdale
When your two biggest accomplishments are the song “Here I Go Again” and a short-lived marriage to Tawny Kitaen, you definitely deserve a tip of the cap… but you are also probably a waiter now somewhere, and since you make your living on tips, that sort of gesture might be insulting? I’m sorry… I don’t know the protocol for this sort of thing.
14. David Cross
There are celebrities that I want to run into and there are those I don’t. David Cross falls into the latter category. It’s not that I don’t like/respect him. I do. Immensely. I ate up Mr. Show like it was a sandwich. (Note: I frigging love sandwiches.) When Cross shows up in movies like I’m Not There or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I make high-pitched girl noises. I like a decent amount of his stand-up. (Rob Trump, the me-proclaimed bad-boy of this site has more articulate, slightly more critical opinions on his stand-up.) I just feel like if I ran into him, I’d say something stupid… or I’d buy him the wrong beer… or I’d quote something too obscure and he’d think I was a stalker… or I’d bring up Alvin and The Chipmunks totally in earnest and he’d think I was being a jerk. Man, it is a sad commentary that I wish I was cool enough to be the kind of person who would keep his cool around David Cross.
13. David Wain
The only member of Stella not to be named Michael. I feel that that's a pretty Davish act--setting yourself apart by sheer mundanity. Plus Wainy Days is one of the better online web-series.
12. Dave Mustaine
I respect Dave Mustaine for three things. His long, flowing, Cousin-It-like locks, his excellent work as a talking head on many a VH1 Best 100 Blanks of the Blank shows, and, most of all, the fact that half of his Wikipedia page is a listing of "feuds" he is involved in. I'm not a huge fan of thrash metal, but I sure do love a good feud.
11. Dave Chappelle
Coincidentally, Dave Chappelle is the only entry on another list of mine: “Celebrities I’ve Seen In the Krispy Kreme on 72nd After Leaving Dallas BBQ”. Is that all I'm going to say about Dave Chappelle? Hmm. Maybe. The world is full of white boys slapping their bros and shouting "Unity!" I should know. I was one.
10. David Schwimmer
When I was, um, younger... and by younger, I mean, like three weeks ago... one of my favorite things to do was a really terrible impression of David Schwimmer. It basically consisted of whining uncontrollably about how sorry I was that I had missed Rachel's anniversary and that I had bought her a kitten pie. I don't know what a kitten pie is. Also, remember the movie The Pallbearer? Back in '94, people were calling it the next The Graduate, because a youngish man sleeps with an olderish woman. Apparantly, one thematic similarity equates to heir-apparent status. (This has been proven time and time again. The Godfather and Seabiscuit both feature horses, and therefore, are the same movie.)
9. David Attenborough
Possibly my second favorite disembodied voice in the world (next to Alec Baldwin in "The Royal Tenenbaums"), this is the guy who narrates the BBC series Planet Earth. I actually have a bone to pick with Sir Attenborough, though--in the Jungles episode, I recall a scene where a little tiny female tree-frog was basically ambushed by like, six dude tree-frogs who proceeded to forcibly mate with her. Well, actually, more like mate on her, but whatevs. Anyway, Sirborough's just dreamily ambling through his stentorian voiceover like this is NBD. Sorry, guy--this may commonplace in Ye Olde Empire, but can't you inject a little sympathy for the treefrog? Shit... just because your voice is detached, doesn't mean your morals have to be.
8. Dave Andreychuk
This guy was basically my first favorite hockey player. He played for something like 30 years and finally won a Stanley Cup with the Tampa Bay Lightning. It's not like the Lightning were good or anything... they had to have had a meeting in the locker room after Andreychuk left one day:
"You guys, have you noticed that 45 year old man who keeps hanging out with us and like, assisting on our goals and giving speeches?"
"Yeah, dude, that's Dave Andreychuk."
"Do you think if we win the Cup, he'll go away?"
"Probably... we aren't that great, though. I mean, we're a southern hockey franchise. We really don't belong in this league."
"Too true, too true! But let's forget all that and go win it for Dave--so that he'll go away."
7. David Beckham
I think I am legally obligated to put Becks on here because every time my girlfriend sees a picture of him, she swoons. So here ya go, David. I'm officially a) not intimidated by you, b) comfortable enough with my sexuality to admit you're a good-lookin' guy who can play the footie better than any of us, and c) cool/shallow enough to refer to you as "Becks".
6. David Foster Wallace
Author of Infinite Jest, A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again, and Brief Interviews With Hideous Men. DFW once sent a letter to my friend Matt (prompted by Matt’s mom) congratulating him on his high school graduation. At the age of 17, that was pretty much the coolest thing I had ever seen. We were obsessed with this guy back then… we started referring to our mothers as “The Moms”, we took up tennis, we increased our acronym usage by 1000%. Also, it’s worth noting that Dave Eggers would rank pretty decently on this list for his sheer Daveness, but you’d have pretty much the same entry as this one, not because of similar style, but similar, youthful obsession.
5. David Bowie
Because I don't want to incur a Merkin-Muffley-omission type Trump Rant, I had to include David Bowie, but understand my reticence. I have little to add to the "Reasons David Bowie is a transcendent god of music" pile, and certainly don't want to be the forty-thousandth dude to say, "Heh, heh, remember... remember in Labyrinth? When his pants were tight? And we were scared by his manhood?" I'm not saying I'm above it; I'm just... oh, fine, I'm above it. Instead, here are seven random things that David Bowie reminds me of:
a.) Have you seen the Bowie/Bing Crosby Christmas Special clip? It's one of the more heart-warming things you will ever see.
b.) Labyrinth is a childhood touchstone, this is true. But what about Bowie's other filmic achievements? The Man Who Fell To Earth, The Last Temptation of Christ, Basquiat...
c.) But his ridiculous mustache/more ridiculous accent turn in The Prestige takes the cake.
d.) Favorite Bowie: "Five Years" vs. "Young Americans" vs. "Drive-In Saturday"... DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE!
e.) Excellent Bowie parody: here, here, and here.
f.) The Bowie knife... I mean, right? Does anyone have one? I almost feel like David confiscated them all in the 80s!
g.) I asked Caitlin what word came to mind immediately when I said "Bowie"... she said "fun". Can't argue with that. One Caitlin agrees, Bowie is fun.
4. David Byrne
It just amazes me that the same guy who shuffled around in the big suit and belted out "Take Me to the River" and "Psycho Killer" (to say nothing of "Burnin' Down the House") could also croon so sweetly on tracks like "Heaven" and "This Must Be the Place". (My iPod has "If someone asks, this is where I'll be" engraved on the back of it.) But that was just his stuff with the Talking Heads... there's solo work, there's collaborations with Brian Eno, there's his worldbeat stuff, there's his visual artwork--I know Bowie is a long-lived, prolific Dave, but you gotta give Byrne some credit. The Big Suit wasn't covering up for any inferiorities... it was big because he had the chops to fill it out.
3. David Robinson
The Admiral, man. Rookie of the Year in '90, MVP in '95, 10-time all-star... 1320 on his SATs, 7'1", holds a record 523 basketball-related patents, and as of 2008, the only man to ever make Tim Duncan laugh. How'd he do it? By doing his legedary Tim Duncan impression, that's how.
2. David Duchovny
You know that deleted scene from Knocked Up where Ben Stone (Seth Rogen) is talking about how he thinks that Vince Vaughn would want to hang out with him? Maybe you don't... maybe you have better things to do than watch deleted scenes... maybe you are a wealthy, attractive cancer researcher and you have people to do that for you... whatever the case, this is kinda how I feel about David Duchovny. We'd order some churros and watch a hockey game. He'd be like, "Y'know who I really like? Elvis Costello," and I'd be all, "I LOVE Elvis Costello!" Later on, we'd play pool and get in a fight with some guy named Rusty. Just sayin'.
1. Dave Foley
Dave Foley, to me, is the original Dave. He just exudes Daveness. He shows up at a party with a bottle of white wine and a sixer of Labatt's, because he didn't know what you needed, so he brought both. He was engaged for a while, but he and Kelly broke things off because well, they were just better friends than they were lovers. On a Friday afternoon, when all the Sam's and Terry's and Mitchell's are knocking back Alabama Slammers, Dave Foley's probably birdwatching. Or leaving a note under your apartment door asking if you could turn down the music. Dave Foley, for your strict adherence to everything it means to be a Dave, we salute you!
Also, Dave Foley is in this video, which just so happens to be the inspiration for this list!!!