Friday, August 29, 2008

57 Things that Went Through My Head When I Read that Sarah Palin Was the Republican VP Nominee

In the style of this list, which was basically a way for me to cheat what is supposed to be a restrictive format (but ended up being one of my lists that I was happier with), I will present my real-time thoughts from today about McCain's VP nominee.

1. Really?
2. ...REALLY?
3. ...REALLY?!
4. He can't possibly think that Clinton supporters are that dumb, can he?
5. ...are they?
6. Okay, stop being a sexist asshole, Rob, maybe he picked her for non-obvious reasons.
7. Let's take a look at her political record. What is the best repository of accurate information?
8. Wikipedia.
9. I love the fact that I can think that with a straight face. This century rules.
11. This century rulez.
13. Okay, Sarah Palin. Let's hope she isn't some "insultingly female" choice who conforms to standard outmoded notions of feminity.
14. In 1984, Palin won the Miss Wasilla beauty contest, where she played the flute and won "Miss Congeniality."
15. Well, fuck. This isn't starting well.
16. Okay, well it's obviously not an attempt to swing Alaska, which he'll win.
17. Maybe even more of the Republican vote will go to Alaska now.
18. Maybe they will SUPER-WIN Alaska.
19. That would be pretty cool, right? If your party won some high percentage, like 80% of the vote in a state then...
20. 80% of your vote would go to the Electoral College?
21. Oh right, I just remembered that the Electoral College is retarded.
22. Nice one, Rob, rail against the Electoral College. Tough target, man. That's like challenging a manual burn victim to a thumb war.
23. Wow. Here is a direct copy/paste from Wikipedia: "Palin, when asked about Senator Clinton's complaints regarding her coverage by the press, said 'that doesn't do us any good, women in politics, women in general, wanting to progress this country...when I hear a statement like that from from any woman, I think that there is a perceived whine.'"
24. Oof.
25. Let's watch that video that is the source material.
26. Oh my God, she sounds like a jerk given that quotation, but she comes off as completely reasonable in the interview, and the words are obviously removed from context.
27. It's almost as if someone wrote that Wikipedia article intentionally to distort the issue.
28. She also said that she wanted a sports scholarship, but couldn't get one, so she did the beauty pageants to get a scholarship that way.
29. That is actually completely reasonable. I am at a loss.
30. Wikipedia has misrepresented things.
31. I might have to start taking Wikipedia with a grain of salt in the future.
33. That is kinda bad, though.
34. She's still a weird choice.
35. It doesn't with jibe the "experience" stuff...
36. But it's not like the experience stuff wasn't stupid in the first place.
37. It's not actually because anyone really thinks offshore drilling is a serious issue in this election, is it? That would suck.
38. Anyone whose vote is affected by the "issue" of offshore drilling is missing parts of their brain.
39. It's on par with abortion and gay marriage as far as issues that people don't really have to be that informed on in order to have strong opinions.
41. AND...
42. AND...
44. Hey, guess what was a bad idea, Rob? Doing a list related to politics, because it makes you a preachy unfunny asshole.
45. Which is how I am on every other list. Never mind.
46. I am going to finish that thought anyway, which is that the debate on offshore drilling is basically "I LIEK POLAR BARES" vs. "FILING UP F150 COST TOO MCUH," where the latter issue won't be affected and the former doesn't matter because the environment is gay anyway.
47. ...And the environment probably won't be affected, or whatever my "serious" reason on that one is.
48. Anyway, it's a stupid way for stupid people to reduce the economy to a stupid issue about stupid stupid stupidity.
49. Now I'm angry. Time to get a haircut.
50. I am now getting a haircut. I have thoughts very infrequently.
51. "Do I want my hair styled in a fauxhawk?" Just because that question is hilarious to ask as the first question after you are done cutting my hair, and because I'm a masochist who enjoys doing terrible things to himself, I am going to say, "Yes."
49. Good one Rob, now you look like an asshole.
50. That was something that obviously really happened today that I wanted to fit in here but I couldn't.
51. I am now breaking the rules of a format I created to break the rules of this blog. Maybe meta-ing everything out will fix it all.
53. Yep, it did.
54. Okay, people are infuriated because she's pro-life, blah blah, anti-gay, blah blah, well guess what? THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS CURRENTLY BOTH THOSE THINGS. Are you really that fucking surprised that McCain chose a Republican as his VP nom?
55. And seriously, she comes off as reasonable if wholly divergent from my political opinions, which is what I also think about McCain, so you know what? They're a nice match. Even if she is the same age as one of his daughters.
56. Maybe he picked her for a crass reason, since I can't really see why else, but honestly? She's not a bad choice, and I'd be happier with her as VP than I would with Tim Pawlenty, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, etc. etc.
57. Never do political lists again, Rob. That thing about your lame fauxhawk was the funniest part of this.

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