Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Top 12 Best Ways to Incorrectly Spoil Movies [FALSE SPOILERS ALERT!]

12. The Empire Strikes Back

"Lando Calrissian is Luke Skywalker's sugar-daddy."

11. Citizen Kane

"'Rosebud' is Klingon for 'blowjob.'"

10. American Beauty

"Every single character is bisexual according to the Kinsey reports."

9. Planet of the Apes (1968)


"At the end of the movie, you realize that it is our planet that is overrun by stupid apes who will probably try to remake this movie in 30 years and do a terrible job of it."

8. The Usual Suspects

"Kenan Thompson is Keyzer Soze."

7. Dr. Strangelove

"Going by Peter's last list, this movie must not exist because otherwise Merkin Muffley would have obviously been one of the best fictitious U.S. presidents. Therefore it is impossible for me to spoil it for you, since it doesn't exist. Similarly, milk that doesn't exist cannot spoil. I am not sure how similar those two actually are, but I am going to go buy some milk that doesn't exist because I have problems with milk spoiling a lot."

6. Anchorman: the Legend of Ron Burgundy

"Anchorman is supposed to be a comedy."

5. Fight Club

"Brad Pitt exists only in the mind of Sesame Street character Fozzy Bear. That is, the actor Brad Pitt."

4. The Sixth Sense

"Haley Joel Osment's career is actually dead on its feet for this entire movie." *

3. Memento

"This movie is actually moving sequentially forward, only you skip the several month-long interludes during where he endures painful and costly tattoo removal."

2. Unbreakable

"The movie Unbreakable does not completely fucking blow."

1. Soylent Green

"SOYLENT GREEN IS WHEATGRASS!!!"

*Not actually incorrect, but not a spoiler, either

2 comments:

michael marlin said...

list of reasons why rob trump sucks

1. he's rob trump

Typewriter said...

#1 Most Improved Movie from First to Second Viewing: Unbreakable

You clearly missed a list.