Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Top 17 Halloween Costumes for Lazy People

I like parties, but if I can be perfectly frank, I don't really like dressing up. I kind of maxed out on Halloween when I was 10 or so. After back-to-back-to-back gems (The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Boba Fett, and The Commendatore from Don Giovanni--all paper-machêd by my Dad, I might add), I couldn't really go anywhere but down. So, I've gotten pretty lazy when it comes to costumes. Last year, I put on a red hoodie and a baseball cap and said that I was Leo DiCaprio in The Departed. The year before, I put on a hockey jersey and said I was, um... a hockey player. 

But guess what? You can hate dressing up and still have a ridiculously clever costume! (Although no one will ever beat the person who came as the awkwardly placed semi-colon...) 

17. A day-vampire

This is a person who turns into a vampire during daylight hours, but is pretty much regular at night. You can basically show up in a t-shirt and jeans and as long as you don’t bite anyone and suck their blood to feed your cursed body, you’re golden. (Note: if you are invited to a day-Halloween party, it’s going to be a little awkward if you don’t come dressed as a traditional vampire. Also, are you in the third grade? Day parties are for children and criminals.)

16. A person who is going to die later on that night and has no clue

What a scary costume! This guy has no idea of the tragic fate that will befall him! Also, it is doubly scary for those at the party—perhaps they will be the cause of his demise, or perhaps they will have the opportunity to prevent it! This is way scarier than ghosts…

15. A mannequin that has been brought to life

Like in that one movie! Hey, look at that dude wearing a sweater and corduroy—she used to not be animated, and now he totally is. Scary-slash-wacky!

14. A monster on his day off


13. An out-of-work superhero

Okay, this is kind of the same idea as the last one.

12. A lost love

Um… so this is in my notes. (Yes, I make notes during the day for my lists and then I return to them at night, when I compose them in my jammies from my futon-bed.) So, I don’t really know why this is in my notes. I guess it wouldn’t really require much of a costume. If you are going to the Halloween party of an old flame, that’s kind of weird… but maybe it’ll be hot. Like, perhaps there will be cases of mistaken identity and dark-room intrigue. Maybe you’ll steal someone’s mask and the power will go out and… and… oh, jeez, I really need to stop watching Gossip Girl.

11. A cross-dresser

I suppose this only works with the wear-what-you-normally-wear theme if you are already a cross-dresser. But hey! What a perfect opportunity to come clean! “Hey Gerald, sweet lady costume.” “Thanks Randy. Actually, though—we should talk. I’m a transvestite.” It’s Halloween—everyone will be drunk and thereby accepting of your differences.

10. A racist

Even better, if you are white and so are all of your friends, when you tell everyone you have come as a racist, they will be forced to consider their own prejudices and perhaps they will learn something about themselves. (Also, though, this will bum everyone out and you will be looked upon as a party-pooper. And I don’t just toss that word around willy-nilly… unlike “racist”.)

9. An ESPY nominee

I did this once. I wore a tux and a hockey helmet. Then at some point, I took the hockey helmet off and all the rich ladies were like, “Who is that?” Then, I had my friend spread the rumor that I was a duke. (I am, in fact, not a duke.)

Okay, that never happened. Except for the ESPY nominee costume part. It happened. And no one said I was lame or anything!

8. Barney Stinson

Hey! Do you want to go to a Halloween party dressed as Barney Stinson, breakout character from the criminally underrated (seriously, it’s a low-level felony) television program How I Met Your Mother? Do you like wearing suits? GUESS THE EFF WHAT?! Barney loves suits! Costume suit up, it’s gonna be legen—scroll down for it—


7. Hobo

If you are a hobo, and come to my Halloween party as an exaggerated, Hooverville stereotype of a rail-ridin’, beans-eatin’ bum, you will make this list by default.

6. A McCain voter

POLITICAL ZING! OH SNAP! Peter done got policktickal on your ass! The election is in the bag now, foolios! 

5. A never-nude wearing pants

ARRESTED REF! HO DIP! Peter done maintained his mainstream-indie-zeitgeist cred! Let him tell you about the spec script he’s writing some time!

4. An asshole

Accomplish this by wearing a shirt from bustedtees.org or one of many, many, many similar sites, and by being the kind of person who needs help from their clothing to convey some semblance of a personality. (Note: if you can do that without the shirts, by all means, buy the shirts… you’ve earned it. 2nd Note: today, I saw some guy wearing a shirt that said “Darfur is Real”. I want someone to make a shirt that says “Apathy is Real, Too.” Is that mean? That’s not that mean. If Bob Dylan didn’t think songs could change the world, than what good is Mr. Shirt really going to do?)

3. Someone else who is in a "You" costume

If you’ve got the stomach to meta out your Halloween (yes, “meta” can be verbed… as can “verb”), then this is your dream option. Heighten two or three of your classic traits or speech patterns, wear that hoodie you always wear, but to take it over the top, you’ve gotta fall short on a few things. Like, maybe the person trying to be you couldn’t get a pair of loafers (BTW—why do you wear loafers?), so they were deck shoes. Or maybe they don’t exactly nail your voice. Or maybe they’re wearing a store-bought You-wig. To be honest, if you’re going to put this kind of effort in, you should just be Batman or Stephen Colbert or something, but I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. I only make suggestions in list-form. 

2. A serial killer as described by those who knew him

Quiet, polite, kind of kept to himself. Often wore comfortable slacks  and argyle sweaters.

1. An American

Because really, aren’t we scarier than any ghoul or goblin? (Actual answer: Heck no! USA! USA! USA!)

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