Top 7 Ways That We Should Have "Punk'd" Ahmadinejad

Okay, so here is something I'm into, because I'm lazy: finding things that I wrote a long time ago and never did anything with, and then putting them on here.  (Either that or just anthologizing things I already wrote and DID do something with.  Yeah, I'm lazy.  Too lazy, even, to look up another word for "lazy" so this doesn't seem so...lazy.  Peter is going to write awesome paeans to the philosophy of sport and I'm going to repost old dick jokes.  DEAL WITH IT.)  Anyway, remember that whole thing where Ahmadinejad came to campus?  Yeah.  Around that time, I wrote this:

So Iranian president Amen-jihad or whatever is coming to Columbia tomorrow, and a lot of people are apparently going to protest.  Their ideas of protest are really lame though and not as cool as ways that I have thought of to "punk" him:

7. We trick him into going onto a stage where instead of him giving a speech it is a woman giving birth onstage.

6. When he’s looking the other way we fly two planes into him and also into the Pentagon.

5. When he starts to speak somebody coughs really loudly so we can’t hear what he’s saying and he will be confused because why would we come to hear him speak if we can’t actually hear him but we didn’t even want to hear him anyway.  Then he gets black lung.

4. We start chanting “WE HATE YOU, WE HATE YOU,” but the real joke is when he realizes that it’s not at him but at the dwarf we hid in his pants.

3. He looks down at his notes and when he looks up everyone has transformed into flock of doves (symbolizing peace).

2. We wipe Israel off the map so he learns to be careful what he wishes for.  Then he wishes for other things because he thinks wishes come true now but they don’t.

1. We pretend we don’t recognize him until he pulls out his credit card and then, surprise!!!  It had been an American Express commercial all along.