Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Top 13 Hidden Messages/True Implications of Kids' Breakfast Cereals

What up, PARMLOT fans.

You guys, if you acronym-ize our site's name, you get PARMLOT. Have you ever thought of that? I thought of it last night. Did you think of it last night? If so, WE WERE THINKING THE SAME THING AT THE SAME TIME!!! Kind of like that line in that song from Fievel Goes West about looking up at the same big sky.

Anyway, I've also been thinking a lot about breakfasts. Remember kids' breakfast cereals? Absolutely no nutrional content in those whatsoever! And the cartoons they had to pitch them to us! Shocking! Y'know... it's almost like there were some hidden messages in there or something... ohmygoshIbetthat'stheseguetoalist!!!

13. Cap'n Crunch

The gist: Sweetened corn and oat pieces; pitched by decorated veteran of what appears to be the Napoleonic Wars--based on his ridiculous Javert hat.
The catch-phrase: "You and the Captain, make it happen!"
True implication: "You and the Captain probably won't have a lot to talk about aside from your mutual love of cereal, as you are a young, human child and he is a high-ranking, cartoon old person."

12. Lucky Charms
The gist: Marshmallows and toasted oat pieces; pitched by a leprechaun pursued by an unruly mob of children.
The catch-phrase: "They're magically delicious!"
True implication: "Regardless of the tales your parents have told you about Irish Evil, a hearty Irish breakfast consists of marshmallows and toasted oats, not Jameson and potatoes. By the way, kidnapping little people is a fun hobby, and not at all a crime!"

11. Kix
The gist: Sweetened grain, puffed into colorless, non-descript balls; pitched by... moms?!
The catch-phrase: "Kid-tested, mother-approved!"
True implication: "Kid-tested, mother-approved, eh? Well, that review process has tons of holes in it. Who gives a crap if your mother approves, you still got to test it in the first place. See if you can repeat this series of events with more dangerous food items, weapons, or illicit substances."

10. Fruity/Cocoa Pebbles
The gist: Fruit or chocolate flavored rice puffs; pitched by Fred Flinstone and Barney Rubble, in half-assed vignettes where Barney steals Fred's pebbles... which sounds like a euphemism for something awful (but not
The catch-phrase: I guess "Barney, my pebbles!" counts...
True implication: "Petty theft begins with breakfast!"

9. Corn Pops
The gist: Sweetened corn pieces; pitched by an extremely determined adolescent.
The catch-phrase: "I gotta have my Pops."
True implication: "You will develop a painful, all-consuming addiction to this cereal, resulting in an acute deficit in gratification-delay capabilities and a loss of concern for personal safety. That being said, Corn Pops are tasty."

8. Frosted Flakes
The gist: Corn flakes covered in sugar, pitched by a biped tiger on steroids.
The catch-phrase: "They're grrrrrreat!"
True implication: "The ridiculously high sugar content of my cereal has plunged me into diabetic shock! As a result, I chatter spasmodically and have great difficulty saying my R's. Perhaps tigers should eat meat and not cereal?"

7. Apple Jacks
The gist: Sweetened, ambiguously-flavored multi-grain circles; pitched by loud children whose parents had better things to do.
The catch-phrase: "We eat what we like!" (usually in response to "These don't taste like apples!")
True implication: "The advertisers were unable to come up with a single good reason to eat this cereal. As such, we are marketing it to dumb kids and children who hate their parents."

6. Froot Loops
The gist: Brightly colored, artificially flavor circles of sugar; pitched by a talking toucan, sometimes awkwardly accompanied by his nephews?
The catch-phrase: "Follow your nose!"
True implication: "The nose is a perfectly sensible means of navigation. What the hell this has to do with breakfast, I really couldn't tell ya."

5. Smacks
The gist: Honey sweetened puff wheat; pitched by a bizarre little frog in a baseball cap who said "Smacks!" a lot.
The catch-phrase: "I dig 'em!" (That's the other thing he said beside "Smacks!" Total amphibious junkie, man.)
True implication: "I want my children to eat heroin for breakfast. Frankly, I prefer that they do it at home and in the presence of an adult... who is also addicted to heroin."

4. Trix
The gist: Fruit-flavored, fruit-shaped, ground corn puffs; pitched by a rabbit who's never actually tasted the damn cereal.
The catch-phrase: "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!"
True implication: "It is cool with me if you kids have been palling around with giant talking rabbits, as long as you don't feed them."

3. Cocoa Puffs
The gist: Chocolate-flavored puffed grain cereal; pitched by a talking cuckoo, usually on a skateboard. Wait--that's a frigging cuckoo? I want my hypothetical money back.
The catch-phrase: "We're cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!"
True implication: "The mentally unbalanced deserve breakfast too, however, feel free to give them the least nutritious option possible."

2. Reese's Puffs
The gist: Chocolate/peanut butter flavored corn puffs; pitched by the most incredulous voice-over guy in the history of children's breakfast cerals.
The catch-phrase: "Reese's for breakfast!?!!!?!!?!"
True implication: "Let's be real for a minute. You don't actually give a shit what your kids eat for breakfast. By 8:30 AM, you're already halfway done with your first twelver of Genny Cream Ale... you'd be glad to feed them rocks--if you had any. But you sold those rocks to pay off your bookie, because you owed him big ever since the famous 'Which passed out meth-head will the fly land on?' bet of last Tuesday. Yeah. Let's be real real... you should probably start thinking of selling your kids... for more rocks."

1. Cookie Crisp
The gist: Basically tiny chocolate chip cookies; pitched by the Cookie Crook and his lovable, loyal dog Chip... though the pair were oft-pursued by Officer Crumb, I suppose that dude became an unwilling pitchman as well.
The catch-phrase: "Coo-oooooooooookie Crisp!" (...does that even count as a catchphrase?)
True implication: "Criminals love a) dogs and b) this cereal! Hey! So do you! In many ways, you are much like a criminal, eh? Join the Cookie Crisp Criminal Task Force by sending away 12 proofs of purchase... then save up only 1200 more for your very own Tek-9! Bust a cap in hunger! (But also a cop.)"


Rachel said...

Hi Peter,
Parmlot like Parmalat, like the boxes of milk kids drink? That would go well with cereal? Is that what you were going for? Am I just dense? Another question?

Guo Xiang said...

Way to point out the obvious! /: